Excuse me for not using specific details but I want to avoid the possibility of friends recognising my story.
Up until a year ago I'd been living a very happy, healthy life - moved into my own place, going to uni, had a amazing boyfriend, great friends, active social life etc.
Then I developed a chronic condition which causes me to be in severe pain 24 hours a day. Doctors initially misdiagnosed me many times and made the whole thing worse.
In my desperation I used my student loan to pay for a private specialist. She gave me treatment which started working, and my life got back on track. However the NHS doc refused to continue the treatment and I got a whole lot worse again. I am now back on the treatment but it is not working as well second time around. I am waiting to see a specialist in 2 months to track progress. However there is little more that can be done right now.
Being in pain every day has destroyed me. At first I was hopeful that I would get better (doctors kept on telling me so). Then about 6 months in I thought '**** it, I'll just live on painkillers and get on with my life' - but it isn't even that easy. Over-the-counter meds aren't strong enough, my GP won't prescribe me stronger painkillers for long-term use. I am yet to find a painkiller which resolves 100% of the pain. I spend the day pressing ice packs against myself until I am numb.
My parents house has become my prison. I had to leave university. Some of my friends have stuck by me, but most of them have vanished out of my life. I fear the pain is driving me crazy, quite literally. I take out my anger and frustrations out on family which isn't fair on them. My mother is heartbroken she has to see me suffer every day.
I went to my GP clinic and poured my heart out with all of the above. Most of the GPs I have seen have been dismissive throughout my ordeal. The reason for this is that many people with this condition manage to resolve their symptoms within a month or so. However, I was misdiagnosed for 4 months so now it's becoming chronic. I went on anti-depressants for a short while but they did little for the pain. Also, the side-effects of depressants are known to make this condition worse.
I've been on a forum for people with this condition, and a lot of the people are living like me: sitting at home every day in pain, unable to work or go outside for too long. Some people have killed themselves. Most of them are in their 40s and 50s and have lived their lives. I am in my 20s and my life had just begun.
I have never been depressed before and always thought suicide was an erratic and senseless choice. However, I have been calmly and reasonably considering suicide as the better option. I really don't want to kill myself but realistically I don't see a point in living if I am constantly suffering. If I was an animal I wouldn't be left to suffer like this. It's inhumane. There is no way in hell I can do this for another 60 years. Does this seem reasonable?