Just some advice please

Hey, this may be a bit of a long post, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and at times it's been difficult. I've been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure, though I won't die from it, and we're a long distance couple, which has really taken its toll. My boyfriend goes to university in October and at the most he'll be 2 hours away from me, much better than the current 7 hours by car.

The problem is, over the past few weeks he's been very distant and has been hurting me a lot. He's been rude, given me a list of demands on how we need to change our phone call situation, has told me I'm not relaxing to talk to and has really hurt me. His parents have said I was obsessive and needy, and as soon as they said this he agreed with them, even though he's never given any hint of this before, nor needing phone call changes. That's fine, and I've compromised a lot to give him what he wants, but he's still being distant.

Then yesterday he said that he couldn't promise me he's not going to find someone else, which is fair enough, but he did it in a way that made it seem like he wasn't promising not to cheat on me. He refuses to answer anything about our future, such as if he thinks we'll stay together, and has now basically told me that, contrary to what he's been saying for the past year, I might not be his true love and since I'm his first real girlfriend he doesn't know who he'll meet in university. He's told me he'd leave me for a girl who has more similar morals and priorities to his than mine are (he's focused on a job, I'm focused on a family). I felt hurt because boyfriends shouldn't be saying that to their girlfriend, should they?

I've had to make a lot of compromises for him over the year and I just feel like he's not treating me the way he should be. I know he's stressed and probably scared about university but I don't think there's any need to behave like this. It feels like he's either trying to break it off ever so slowly with me or make me hate him so much that I do it for him! He said he doesn't want to break up with me and I definitely don't want to break up with him because I love him, but I haven't got a clue how to handle this situation.

Any advice would be really helpful, such as what your partner was like when they were getting ready for university or how you got through difficult situations.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 1

DiZZeeKiD

Stop being a mug. Either tell him you need to know where this is going or finish with him. You don't need the uncertainty that "he might cheat on you". You're either with him exclusively or you're not. Find out where you stand. Personally, I'd finish with him, sounds like a bellend.

Reply 2

03hope03

Original post by DiZZeeKiD

The problem is I love him and I don't want to lose him, and he doesn't seem to want to lose me. Do you think it might just be stress that's causing him to behave weirdly? He's been fine up to the past fortnight but now he's been to 2 university offer holder days and his university stuff is really picking up pace. I've told him he isn't treating me the way he should be and it's hurting me, so shall I give it a little while and see if he improves? The thing is I don't want to give up on something that is made harder by the distance when he'll be so much closer in half a year! I know the distance can cause half the stresses for us and I'm just hoping that maybe when it's less well be better. Is that silly?

Reply 3

DiZZeeKiD

Original post by 03hope03

Maybe you're right. Personally, I'd see it as, he's going to University, he's reassessing his lifestyle and thinking "do I really want to be going to Uni in a relationship?" Not being cynical, but thats the way it sounds. Thought, of course, you know him best and it could be that he's stressed - give it a little while but seriously, you don't need to be treated like that. ultimately you've got to do what makes you happy.

Reply 4

03hope03

Original post by DiZZeeKiD

Thanks for the help. I'm just so confused, and every day he stresses me out my illness gets that little bit harder to cope with. I'm currently unable to walk much more than up and down the stairs without having to stop, and I know stress makes it worse in terms of my illness. I just wanted someone to tell me something useful, so thanks! I think I'm meant to be talking with him about this properly when I next see him in a week and hopefully it'll go well, he seems to be in a better mood today, but I can never tell :/

Reply 5

03hope03

Original post by Foo.mp3

This would be my interpretation too - a part of him loves you/being with you, another part of him doesn't feel it's necessarily going to be enough

It's difficult to know how to advise you, really its a function of your feelings for him, how he continues to treat you and the probability of finding a 'replacement'. Supposing there's nothing stopping you finding someone else, the best thing to do is probably to give him a yellow card and drop him like a sack of **** if he doesn't mend his ways and soon

If, however, your illness limits the way you can relate to/meet others then you need to be careful. I know full well the importance in being flexible and seeing the value in people when you're down and out with (chronic) illness..

I don't think I'm going to be enough for him to be honest. We're similar in most things except for morals and opinions, such as the death penalty, and our priorities. It's a lot of stress being 2 years younger than him and knowing he's going to Cambridge as well because I'm wondering if he thinks that at Cambridge he'll meet a girl his own age who is cleverer than me. I think he thinks that too.

I've told him I feel like I'm second best to a girl he may or may not meet sometime in the future. He knows I'm stressed out with this all and he just keeps on pushing. I've told him as well that my health needs to take priority and if he continues to push me then we cannot continue the relationship because it's leaving me unable to walk!

Reply 6

username310893

It sounds like you've certainly been having a hard time of it! I mean none of us on here can give you advice thats definitely correct as we don't know the boy in question. However, I think you need to see a relationship as a mutual thing. If he's making your illness worse and treating you like crap you need to stand your ground with him. Don't accept or back down to things you don't agree to or wouldn't do in the first place. And certainly have your say on things and your relationship and how you feel!

Anyhow before I start rambling, I hope this helps and I hope you feel a bit better :smile:

Reply 7

03hope03

Original post by LyssaJane-x-

If he's making your illness worse and treating you like crap you need to stand your ground with him. Don't accept or back down to things you don't agree to or wouldn't do in the first place. And certainly have your say on things and your relationship and how you feel!

Anyhow before I start rambling, I hope this helps and I hope you feel a bit better :smile:

I've made as many compromises as I can for now. I change what I talk about as to not stress him out. I let him decide when he calls and how long for so that he gets the time off from me he says he needs. I listen to him when he wants to talk, even if I'm in pain and just want to sleep. I've changed my hopes and dreams for the future to fit around his. I've done everything I can and I don't think he understands it or see how much I do for him. I hate having to change myself and my behaviour so radically for him! I should be able to be myself around the one I love, not someone who has to censor herself all the time. I think I'm going to bring all of this up when I next see him and show him how badly this is all affecting me.

And thank you, I hope I feel better too. I had physiotherapy and that always puts me in bed for a week or so :P

Reply 8

DLJ

Two words:

Man Up.

=]

Reply 9

in_vogue

Original post by 03hope03

Simone de Beauvoir once said that the downfall of women in relationships is that the woman will make sacrifices that th man never asked for. The woman will then become bitter by all that she has ''given up'' although it was her choice in the first place.

Think about it. Have you changed and censored yourself, somwhere, to guilt and pressure him into being with you?

Reply 10

03hope03

Original post by Foo.mp3

Seems to me as though you know what to do then aye. Take it as a positive experience but know that all good things must come to an end, and it's better to quit while you're ahead than to let things get sour - esp where your health/wellbeing is involved

I do know what I need to say, and I will if it comes to that, but I still have this feeling that we can work it out if we both try hard enough. I want this to work and he says he does. If it doesn't improve then we know what to do because neither of us wants to stay in an unhappy relationship, but I feel like we've been through worse, as has my health, and I can get through it.

Original post by in_vogue

The thing is, all of the sacrifices I have made have been ones he's asked for. He's recently said he doesn't want me to make too many because I'll be unhappy, but he continues to need me to make them. I don't guilt him in to being with me I think, I'm the same as I always have been since we first spoke. If he leaves I know it'll be his choice, what I'm upset about is the uncertainty and how he seems to be prolonging it. I will make all the sacrifices and be happy to make them if I know that he is certain of me, but right now I don't know if he is.

Reply 11

03hope03

Okay so I'm going to leave it with my boyfriend. He's under a lot of stress right now and it's not fair to add to it. I am going to talk about it all with him when I see him but while we're apart I think I should just leave it.