cutting

Well, my best friend is this girl, and lets just say she's a 'troubled soul'
lots of **** from childhood, she's rather depressed and hating uni.

(I'm a guy, were not, nor ever have been romantically involved if that's relevant)
Usually if she's upset or something she'll invite herself round to mine, bring a bottle of wine and have a good cry. I don't mind this, I'm just happy to help.

Of late she hasn't done this. We still hang out a lot but she doesn't get upset so much, and appears to have a generally better outlook on life. less morbid like.

However last night she came round to watch a film, and as she was lying there I noticed something and my heart sank into my stomach... she had fresh cuts all up her arm. She usually wears a long sleeved cardigan so I don't usually see her arms but for some reason or another she had taken it off last night. She's got scars from when she used to do it when she was younger (when she comes round to cry she tells me all about her troubled past) but these were fresh, still scabby. I didn't say anything to her there and then, she stayed over and left this morning still acting all happy. What do I do?

Reply 1

Oranges

Talk to someone at Uni who can help about it, and talk to her too. Let her know she needs to see someone, either a doctor or someone at Uni who she can trust to get to the bottom of her self-harming and how to get past it.

Just don't let her continue it one way or another

Reply 2

anononononon

Original post by Oranges

She has a councillor but she hates him. I've told her she needs to try and find one she likes, but she has this "cant be bothered" attitude (I'm guessing its a defence mechanism?) towards anything 'self help' related.

Reply 3

Grund

It's her way of dealing with things; her outlet of transferring one pain into another and releasing it. So what I'd advise is that you should help her to find another outlet which can replace this. Maybe take up a form of martial arts or get a punch bag, because then that still has the physical element while also being a good outlet of emotions for some. If she has the same "can't be bothered" attitude towards that, then simple things such as just having a diary or a blog can also be good.

It's all about finding a healthier substitute- what works for some people may not work for others, so it's all about trying to find what works best for her and what she feels comfortable and content with.

Reply 4

anononononon

Original post by Grund

This all sounds like very sound advice, but in the short term do I talk to her about it? I don't want to wade in and make things worse. She usually talks to me about everything, has something happened that she feels she can't even talk to me about? I'm desperately worried for her, but I don't really have a good way with words, I tend to offend people by mistake with no ill intentions

Reply 5

Grund

Original post by anononononon

It depends how you think she'd react as you know her better than me; if you think she wouldn't react well, then it'd probably be best to try and get her to tell you herself without letting on that you know. Like subtly ask if she's alright, ask her if there's any particular reason why she's been acting differently lately.
If you think that she'd react well/okay with letting her know what you saw, then ease into the conversation gently by saying things like I previously said, and if she acts as if nothing is happening then just straight out tell her that you saw what you thought were fresh cuts when she took her jumper/cardigan off. Try to make sure you don't accuse her of it, though, because this may put her on the defencive- ask her if they were recent or if you misunderstood, as this gives her more of the power and she may be more willing to speak openly about it. This is all just my opinion though and what I'd do- it's the best advice I can give and I hope it helps.

Reply 6

Astonix

Original post by anononononon

I use to self-harm, and I've been sent to Councillors before which I too hated. There's just something about opening up to someone I don't know at all. Saying that, I rarely open up to people I do know. Meh, I found ways to manage. I gradually just got over cutting myself, realising its pointless. Your friend might gradually get over it too, but you could suggest to her what really helped me, The Samaritans. She can just send them an email with her problems and they reply to you within a day. There is phone as well I think if she prefers. If shes anything like me, the email option will really tempt her as she doesn't have to be in the same room as someone she's opening up to and allows her to think carefully about her problem whilst she's typing the email out which may help her solve it herself.

Reply 7

ShengXin

I'd say talk to her about it - if she's had her arms bare in front of you she knows that you know!

Reply 8

anononononon

Original post by ShengXin

I'd say talk to her about it - if she's had her arms bare in front of you she knows that you know!

not really sure how I would breach such a topic? :s-smilie:

Like I've talked about her cutting with her before but she always brought it up and I just listened. I'm a good listener, but talking not so much :s-smilie:

Reply 9

Elynnor1811

tell her that you noticed and you're worried about her.. that you're there if she wants to talk about anything. then maybe offer to go with her to see her doctor? or offer to go with her to book an appointment to see the uni counsellor/equivalent..?

Reply 10

Architecture-er

Original post by anononononon

not really sure how I would breach such a topic? :s-smilie:

Like I've talked about her cutting with her before but she always brought it up and I just listened. I'm a good listener, but talking not so much :s-smilie:

You're a better judge than we are of how to approach it - but perhaps a blunt-ish "Hey, I noticed some fresh scars on your arm.. are you ok?" would be better than fishing in a really circumspect fashion?
Someone correct me if you think that's a dumb idea, but I think I'd appreciate someone who's frank and honest about something like this..

If she's not fond of counselling it might be because she thinks they don't understand, or doesn't like not knowing them? If that's the case, a counsellor that's been through depression themselves might succeed - but if not then just being a good friend could help a lot. Try and be positive about life and everything whenever you see her (not OTT, just don't moan about stuff)

Reply 11

Smophy

I kind of actually think you missed your opportunity. She was aware that you could see. Trust me, no self harmer forgets that they have marks and accidentally shows them. She must of wanted you to ask her about them. Now though I can see why it is difficult for you. You also have to remember as well that mentioning SH can refresh the idea in that persons head which may lead to another episode.

If I was you I would leave it and wait. If an opportunity arose again, for example if she mentions it or reveals the marks again, i would just out right ask her, "what are they" "why did you do it". Not in a hurt or demanding way as that will make her feel guilty. Just ask her what triggered it/ what she was thinking at the time and depending on what it was work out an alternative action for her to do. For instance she could ring you or do something she enjoys (e.g playing on a DS) to take her mind of it.

A good little trick that I have been told can help is having an elastic band on your wrist and twang it really hard when you have an urge to SH. There are online forums dedicated to helping people who SH. If she is interested she could try http://www.recoveryourlife.com/

Good luck

Reply 12

anononononon

Original post by Smophy

I feel really bad for not bringing it up now :| she's usually so forward with me, telling me exactly how she's feeling and what's going on etc... it took me by surprise if you will. But that seems like sound advice. If she appears to be 'letting me see' again ill 'notice' and bring it up I guess? She's coming round tomorrow and I'm cooking her dinner so I guess ill keep an eye out to see if she's letting me see and be ready for a long night of alcohol and cuddles :smile:

Reply 13

Smophy

Original post by anononononon

Don't feel too bad. It is really shocking to see and it is understandable that you didn't bring it up straight away. Probably best anyway as you have had time to have a good think about what to say. I know you probably know this but this problem isn't going to go away over night. It's a long process and sometimes it does just take time but with a friend like you I'm sure she will manage :biggrin:

Reply 14

anononononon

Okay, so I'm not really sure what to do now.
I saw her yesterday, she came round and I cooked her dinner. We then decided to go to a pub. Now as stated above if she's sowing me her arm then she knows/wants me to see?
She asked me to help her put her bracelets on, handed me them and presented her upturned arm, cuts and all. I said something along the lines of "oh dear, are you ok? is there something you want to talk about?" (my way with words is poor at best but I tried). She welled up and gave me a hug and replied "yes... but I can't" and promptly excused herself. I tried to stop her but she shrugged me off and told me to go away.
I assume she got home OK as she text me "I know what your like so don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid xxx" but she's not answering her phone today - should I go over to her place and make sure she's ok? should I give her space? what now?

Reply 15

Crocodile, M.D.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Just confront her directly and say look I'm realy worri about you, I saw what you have done to your arms and I can't let you suffer alone! Remember when you use to come round and talk about stuff but then you stopped, well if its because you thought you were bothering me or 'oh he doesn't need this' then don't think like that! I am a friend that cares for you and it upsets me to see youdo this to yourself. I want you to promise me not to do this again, you come to me (or any otherappropriate friends).

I would keep an eye on her if I was you, you know what I suggeted might not be enough,you might wanta gently put it to her that she needs counceling. I tried to kill myself number of times a few years ago (both times with pills). I got help thugh because I realised I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to be able to deal with my problems and to not be unhappy. Just say to her asking for help is not a sign of weakness, its sign of strength and is the hardest step in the process to getingto a happy place.

Good Luck with it and may I say she's very lucky to have you a a friend!

Reply 17

Georgiahoneybee

How do you think she would react if you brought it up? I think she would probably either be relieved to have someone to talk to about it or she would be upset that you were mentioning it. It's always going to be a difficult situation and you don't want to sound like you are preaching at her or anything like that (although I'm sure you don't), just make sure she knows you are only doing it because you care about her well being. Next time the two of you are alone, I would mention you had seen the scars and that if she ever wanted to talk to you about it you were always there to listen, but you understand she may not want to talk about it. Don't push her and then it's upto her if she opens up!

Reply 18

ShengXin

Definitely definitely go see her, without a doubt. If you're worried about her, then tell her so, even if she says she won't do anything stupid - the fact she's talking about it means it's crossed her mind for sure (personal experience)..

Get her to talk about it - she may be reluctant at first, but even if she doesn't tak to you about it, get her to talk to someone!

Reply 19

anononononon

Okay I went over there and she said was watching TV and eating ice cream and crying. She gave me a hug but didn't invite me in and sent me on my way saying she wasn't ready to talk about 'it' (I get the impression that *something* bad has happened. I worry about what this might be if she wont talk to me about it yet she will talk to me about her attempted suicides and rape and family issues and health issues, what else could it be??) but would see me tomorrow when she had composed herself a bit? Not sure how worried I should be :| but at least I know she isn't trying to kill herself (yet??!!). I guess my course of action is to wait till tomorrow and let her come and see me when she's feeling a bit better? I just worry about her sitting at home crying on her own I feel I should be there for her but if she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to see me I'm not sure what I can do?

I think I'm just about the only person she talks to about emotional issues. She's got plenty of friends and they all see her as this "happy go lucky" type, she holds it all back from most people. She doesn't talk to her family about any of it either. I guess she just see's me as "safe"? She's usually brutally frank about everything with me. but all of a sudden its like something's happened that's too bad for her to even tell me about? I'm really worried :frown: