Coping with bereavement

My dad died very suddenly last month and I'm not sure I'm coping. In the week before the funeral I was doing really well - I was upset, but I was dealing with everything quite well. But instead of getting better, everything's getting worse. I feel frustrated and angry all the time, and obviously terribly sad as well. I've had two really horrible arguments with my boyfriend simply because he's about the only person that has any idea of how bad I'm feeling and I'm just taking it all out on him. I feel horrible - I don't want to do this to him because we love each other and I feel like if I keep acting like this, I'll destroy the relationship, because I'm just hurting him by being nasty and horrible.

Everyone else thinks I'm coping really well and keeping really upbeat but I just can't tell anyone how I'm feeling, because other people are relying on me. I'm an only child and my mum is chronically ill, so I've got to keep everything together. I was so close to my dad and I miss him so much, and I'm so used to having him there to help look after things, especially with my mum being disabled. Now I don't know what to do at all.

Has anyone got any advice at all?

Most people before a funeral usually feel better than after - mostly because, they have so much to sort out that the business almost keeps their mind off the real issue; why the funeral is taking place.

No doubt, the first few months are very hard. You really have to allow yourself to take time out and recover, as such. Obviously noone has real time for this in a busy world like today and I myself moved away to uni a month after my mum's death, only for two months down the line my grandpa to pass away aswell (hard end to last year).

If anything, I know it might sound cliche but seeing a counsellor helped me. I got to a point at uni where I felt just terrible, and I was considering self harm again (haven't done it in years). I knew I needed to help myself and I figured that seeing someone would be a first port of call. I know a lot of people are skeptic about it, but just talking to a stranger and getting stuff off your chest can really help. Just having someone listen that wasn't a "biased" person was nice, and I felt like I wasn't being a burden to my old friends and especially the new ones I'd recently made at uni, and my boyfriend.

If you want to talk about it, PM me

Having experienced a number of deaths close to me (one of which were extremely traumatic - my friend and his mother was murdered by his uncle) I can say that time is the best healer.
Just take every day as it comes. I know how much it hurts, but please trust me when I say that you will feel better in time.
You can return to normal life eventually - it just takes time. I will never forget my friend, but I have mostly recovered from the emotional pain which his untimely death caused me.

I feel that you should explain to your boyfriend exactly how you are feeling. I always find that talking about my problems helps - bottling it up inside just eats me up and I can't continue with life.

My condolences. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for your kind words. The second argument happened last night, and I've taken the time today to try and articulate in more detail how I'm feeling. I just feel like it's not enough to justify the way I acted. Grief is driving me crazy, but surely I shouldn't want to hurt someone who's only trying to help me?

Different people react differently to grief. Some people tend to lash out at others. Some people cannot hide their sorrow at all. Some people are very good at hiding their emotions.
Let your boyfriend know that you don't hate him at all and that you are finding it hard to cope and that lashing out at him is not his fault. If he has any kind of intelligence he will understand.

Thanks, it's really hard to take time out at the moment. I messed up my exams over Christmas due to having glandular fever (bad start to this year!) and need to do well in May to make up for that fact. I have to keep going somehow at least until my exams are over.

I have really mixed feelings about seeing a counsellor. It feels a bit like an admission of failure. On the other hand, I can't go on hurting my boyfriend (in particular) because it's really not helping our relationship and it's going to end up destroying it. I don't want to be without him, he's the most wonderful person, but no one is built to carry the weight of someone else's feelings, and no one should have to take my harsh, nasty words even if it is because I'm going through hell..

Thanks, I might take you up on that offer

I have really mixed feelings about seeing a counsellor. It feels a bit like an admission of failure. On the other hand, I can't go on hurting my boyfriend (in particular) because it's really not helping our relationship and it's going to end up destroying it. I don't want to be without him, he's the most wonderful person, but no one is built to carry the weight of someone else's feelings, and no one should have to take my harsh, nasty words even if it is because I'm going through hell..

Thanks, I might take you up on that offer

I don't know why people see counsellors as an admission of failure really - there's a reason why they have their job! People have perceptions of them being patronising, condescending and the like, and while there are propbably some out there like that, it's not usually the case. To me anyway, they are just someone I can talk to and I know it's confidential, and there's no risk of gossip, judgement or anything of the likes.

And yeah, send me a PM if you want to talk more privately

If you don't want to see a counsellor you don't have to, maybe you could talk to your mum/other family member or friend? I think what you're describing is perfectly normal and you just need to give it a bit of time before you'll start to feel 'normal' again. Btw I know everyone says 'give it time' but it's true. My mum died a few years ago and I thought I would never get over it but it does get easier (obviously it will still hurt, but you sort of live with it). And what you said about the funeral is so true. My grandmother died during my exams earlier this year so I had to get on with it and revise, but when it came to her funeral it all suddenly dawned on me and it was quite a shock. Don't worry about your boyfriend, maybe you need some time alone? It must be hard for him to see you upset and not be able to help but it will get better. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while. Don't let it eat you up, make sure you get help if you need it. You can pm me if you need a stranger to talk to. Have you spoken to anyone at school/uni to get extenuating circumstances for your exams?

I don't really have anyone like that - I'm not close to my family, and they're not very "talky" people anyway. I'm very close to my parents but I can't talk to my mum because she's got enough to go through at the moment without me making things worse. I'm one of these people who likes to "fix" things and is very impatient, so it's really difficult for me when people say to give it time, even though I DO know it's true. I think I've just made the mistake of trying to get my life back on track far too quickly without giving myself the time I need to heal.

I worry about my boyfriend because he's one of the few people I felt comfortable telling about how I feel, but this had the unfortunate side-effect of me taking quite a lot of these feelings out on him. I feel better with him around, most of the time, but I just feel like he must be so tired of putting up with me. Sigh. Thanks for all the advice though!

Also, haven't spoken to anyone at the uni yet about anything (I'm a law student), because I got extenuating circumstances for my last set of exams in January (glandular fever). I probably should, but up until the last week or so I thought I was coping alright and that by exam time I wouldn't need them.

I just always think I should be strong enough to cope with anything. I don't know WHY I think that, I just do! But yeah, I should maybe look into it and see if I can get an appointment with the uni counsellor.