My BF is uptight in bed and disgusted by my lady juices
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There is something wrong there, honey. You need to talk to him, I know you said you've tried but I can't see any other way around it. Don't pussy foot around the question come straight out and say 'why don't you want me?' if he says he does then say 'well, why the hell won't you **** me then?', get angry it may just work. Don't let him wriggle out of answering your questions. Say you want straight answers and you want them now.
Can't be bothered is a really hurtful, inconsiderate and down right shameful excuse.
Too tired is bull****.
I am shocked that he suggested you try harder, from some of the things you've mentioned in your post could you really be trying any harder?
You're a much better girlfriend than I'd ever be to put up with all that and still not want to break up with him. But darling if he is not going to start making an effort, I can't see any alternative. He is obviously not making you happy and he is definitely not doing his job properly.
Can't be bothered is a really hurtful, inconsiderate and down right shameful excuse.
Too tired is bull****.
I am shocked that he suggested you try harder, from some of the things you've mentioned in your post could you really be trying any harder?
You're a much better girlfriend than I'd ever be to put up with all that and still not want to break up with him. But darling if he is not going to start making an effort, I can't see any alternative. He is obviously not making you happy and he is definitely not doing his job properly.
Thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread. I know this is just a forum but it really means a lot to me that people have taken their time to make an input. Thank you.
To those of you who have said that he is gay, I really don't think he is. I did happen to come across his porn history once and the words 'babysitter' 'schoolgirl' 'big boobies' and 'anal' came up quite a lot. So after that I did the naughty schoolgirl/innocent thing, and he said it was really hot and he got hard, but we still didn't have sex. I waited until like 1am that night for him to make a move, and then I went and got stupidly drunk.
I said to him that I know he can fulfil his fantasies through porn, but that we could recreate them in real life if he wanted, thus negated the need for porn when I am there. And it turned into an argument because he though I meant I didn't like/want him watching porn. And yeah we have anal sex, he likes that. (Breakthrough!!!)
I have also suggested my little finger in his bum, to see if he might like anal himself and he wasn't having any of it and was adamant he wouldn't like it. I got really annoyed one time and asked him if he was gay and he was really hurt. I felt pretty guilty about it to be honest and said that it just came out of my mouth in the heat of the moment and that I didn't actually think he was gay.
How would I know for sure if he is gay or not?
I can't dump him over our sex life. That would make me quite shallow. In all other respects, he is a good boyfriend. So breaking up with him over sex would be quite unreasonable and would suggest I was only with him for one thing and that I didn't really care about him as a person. If it gets to the point that I start looking in other places for satisfaction, then I'd have to question whether the relationship is fulfilling enough. But for now, I think I have to try and work it out. Whilst pleasuring myself mostly. (which he tells me I do too much).
I think what has resonated quite a lot with me is the suggestion that he is just intimidated and that I am too full on. I've tried backing off and he wasn't bothered at all. And I was more frustrated at the end of it than at the start. I've tried letting him have all the control so he doesn't feel intimidated, and that is what we have been doing until now. We have sex on his terms, as and when he wants it. It wouldn't be reasonable for me to not put out now though, seeing as we are long distance and we see each other once a month on average.
I suppose I could try talking to him again... (for like the gazillionth time) *sigh*
But how do I do it? What can I say that isn't going to emasculate him and dampen his confidence even more?
To those of you who have said that he is gay, I really don't think he is. I did happen to come across his porn history once and the words 'babysitter' 'schoolgirl' 'big boobies' and 'anal' came up quite a lot. So after that I did the naughty schoolgirl/innocent thing, and he said it was really hot and he got hard, but we still didn't have sex. I waited until like 1am that night for him to make a move, and then I went and got stupidly drunk.
I said to him that I know he can fulfil his fantasies through porn, but that we could recreate them in real life if he wanted, thus negated the need for porn when I am there. And it turned into an argument because he though I meant I didn't like/want him watching porn. And yeah we have anal sex, he likes that. (Breakthrough!!!)
I have also suggested my little finger in his bum, to see if he might like anal himself and he wasn't having any of it and was adamant he wouldn't like it. I got really annoyed one time and asked him if he was gay and he was really hurt. I felt pretty guilty about it to be honest and said that it just came out of my mouth in the heat of the moment and that I didn't actually think he was gay.
How would I know for sure if he is gay or not?
I can't dump him over our sex life. That would make me quite shallow. In all other respects, he is a good boyfriend. So breaking up with him over sex would be quite unreasonable and would suggest I was only with him for one thing and that I didn't really care about him as a person. If it gets to the point that I start looking in other places for satisfaction, then I'd have to question whether the relationship is fulfilling enough. But for now, I think I have to try and work it out. Whilst pleasuring myself mostly. (which he tells me I do too much).
I think what has resonated quite a lot with me is the suggestion that he is just intimidated and that I am too full on. I've tried backing off and he wasn't bothered at all. And I was more frustrated at the end of it than at the start. I've tried letting him have all the control so he doesn't feel intimidated, and that is what we have been doing until now. We have sex on his terms, as and when he wants it. It wouldn't be reasonable for me to not put out now though, seeing as we are long distance and we see each other once a month on average.
I suppose I could try talking to him again... (for like the gazillionth time) *sigh*
But how do I do it? What can I say that isn't going to emasculate him and dampen his confidence even more?
I'd just like to add that he gets a hard-on all the time over really little things. Sometimes I hug him and he gets a hard-on. One time I bent over to pick something up by his feet and he got a hard-on. I put earrings in for the first time and he got a hard-on.
It just doesn't fit.
It just doesn't fit.
Original post by Anonymous
I have a pretty high sex drive. I'm also pretty uninhibited; I love experimenting and talking openly about sex. Whatever my boyfriend wanted to do, I'd be all for it. (This excludes anything related to faeces, urine and vomit.) It's easy for me to orgasm, I'm ridiculously flexible, I squirt, I'm filthy in bed (not unhygienic!), I'm relatively experienced. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, I'm genuinely baffled as to what is going on. What am I doing wrong?!
(
(
At first I guessed that he just has a low sex drive, but when you mentioned that he once turned you down and put on porn 10 minutes later, I realised that couldn't be it. There are a few potential things you could be dealing with here, and none of them are very promising for your sex life.
One possibility is that he just has very low self-esteem when it comes to sex. Men have so many expectations piled upon them when it comes to this kind of thing and when guys do have issues, it's often very hard for them to confront them. Perhaps he thinks he can't satisfy women and doesn't like the idea of trying and failing. When a person comes to associate sex with performance anxiety and stress, it's not surprising they might prefer to get off by themselves instead. Worries like this can come from all sorts of stuff - mental illness, bad experiences in the past etc - and from what I understand, it's pretty easy to get trapped in a spiral whereby you increasingly find it difficult to make any effort at all.
Another possibility is that he's just not getting turned on by you and the things you do. Whilst I'm sure you're a very attractive person and it sounds like you've been doing lots of exciting and awesome things to try and hold his attention, they might just not be to his taste. It might be that he has really specific, unusual or extreme sexual fetishes that he's embarrassed to share, but that he needs to indulge in order to get off. It might be that he's hung up on an ex and refuses to talk about it. It could even be an issue related to his sexual orientation. It's amazing what people can repress when they try hard enough.
The last thing I can think of is cheating. If your boyfriend is getting attention elsewhere, not only will he not have as much energy left for you, but he'll also probably feel too guilty to have sex with you. This might be the case even if he's not doing actual, physical cheating - soliciting over chat forums and sex via webcam can provoke this kind of performance-stunting guilt too.
Whatever the answer, you cannot let this situation continue. Whatever issues your boyfriend has, he's clearly trying to shunt the blame onto you by suggesting that it's all your fault for not working harder. This is utterly unacceptable - good sex is about partnership, not about one person making all the effort, and it sounds like you're doing more than your fair share. If he can't be honest with you and tell you how to help him, he can't expect you to stick around, always trying to second-guess him in some desperate quest to turn him on. No guy is worth that. You have to explain to him that you don't want to pressure him or do anything to damage his confidence, but that you don't feel the two of you are sexually compatable at the moment. Explain that for your relationship to work, he's going to need to get better at making time for sex, at explaining his desires and at trying new things.
If he ever tells you you're not doing enough again, I suggest that unstead of crying, you tell him to **** off. Not only is he not satisfying you sexually - something which is important in a relationship, no matter what some people might claim - but he's showing a cruel disregard for your feelings and a basic lack of respect.
(edited 13 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Any ideas/thoughts/support/comments would be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to give up :'(
Any ideas/thoughts/support/comments would be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to give up :'(
You're incompatible sexually.
better question, do you have any single female friends like yourself? I'd be all over you like a greased monkey.
You doing it wrong.
Grab the back of his neck and say; "i want you to fck the sht out of me"
If he doesnt respond in the way that most straight guys would then he is either an under cover gay who is using you to cover up his true sexuality/he's cheating on you with another girl or guy possible/ he isnt attracted to you
I personally think its the last one, because if he was attracted to you and you did what you claimed you did with the sexy outfits and all he would rip them clothes off you and nail that vagina
Grab the back of his neck and say; "i want you to fck the sht out of me"
If he doesnt respond in the way that most straight guys would then he is either an under cover gay who is using you to cover up his true sexuality/he's cheating on you with another girl or guy possible/ he isnt attracted to you
I personally think its the last one, because if he was attracted to you and you did what you claimed you did with the sexy outfits and all he would rip them clothes off you and nail that vagina
(edited 13 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I have a pretty high sex drive. I'm also pretty uninhibited; I love experimenting and talking openly about sex. Whatever my boyfriend wanted to do, I'd be all for it. (This excludes anything related to faeces, urine and vomit.) It's easy for me to orgasm, I'm ridiculously flexible, I squirt, I'm filthy in bed (not unhygienic!), I'm relatively experienced. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, I'm genuinely baffled as to what is going on. What am I doing wrong?!
He doesn't want to do anything exciting in bed. He actually doesn't even want to have regular sex that much. In the second month of our relationship, despite seeing each other every day, we had sex 3 times. And they were brief. And I didn't orgasm. When I try to initiate sex, he pushes me away so often it's beginning to affect my self-esteem. It's not like we're really old (both 23) or really inexperienced. And apart from our sex life, the relationship is pretty good. He's an awesome guy and we get on like a house on fire and there is definitely chemistry.
We've been together about 6 - 7 months of which the last 3 have been long-distance.
I'm posting this now because I'm seeing him on Thursday after a month, and would really like some ideas and thoughts.
I've tried doing different things in an attempt to seduce him. I've put on my sexiest underwear, suspenders and all, and lap-danced for him, (he was too tired) I've suggested doing it in different places, (none would be as comfy as a bed) I've asked him what his fantasies are (he's not sure) I've asked him what turns him on (it depends) I've suggested watching porn together, to help me gauge what he's into, (we will one day) I've dressed up in different random outfits (they looked hot but he just didn't feel like it those days), I've suggested soft bondage, I've tried talking dirty, I've sent him naughty pictures, I've suggested a threesome, I've tried doing it at different times of the day, I've suggested and/or tried a million different things that I can't even remember now.
I've tried talking to him (several times now) about our sex life, with minimal response. He denied that he has any less of a sex drive than I do (which is slightly true because on occasion, he's said no to having sex with me but has put on porn less than 10 minutes after). He said that he does want to have sex a lot, and when I asked why, then, do we not, he said it was various reasons, including he couldn't be bothered sometimes. And suggested that I just try harder to get him turned on. That comment made me cry.
He's beginning to realise that I am not satisfied. So he is making some attempt at improving things. However, when we do have sex, he makes it seem like it's a chore and he's only doing it because he doesn't want me to be unsatisfied, rather than because he just really wants to. The sex itself is of okay quality. He's rather well-endowed, but seems to think that just thrusting away is going to do the trick. It took me 2 months of gentle coaxing to get him to finger me. Foreplay has increased from non-existent to a couple of minutes maybe, and that's only just to check if I'm wet enough. Sometimes he likes to clean up mid-sex 'to make himself more comfortable'. If I'm really wet or have just squirted, he'll tell me I'm creaming up and pass me a tissue whilst looking at my bits in poorly disguised disgust. He has told me he doesn't like the smell/taste of lady juices. So he has been down on me once, to see if he still felt the same, was down there less than 5 seconds, resurfaced and looked like he was going to puke.
I've really seriously considered that he might be gay and in denial. But he has had girlfriends before me, buys Nuts and other lads magazines, and is quite vocal and explicit about what he'd do to Scarlett Johansen. Does anyone reckon it might all just be a front?
When we're together, he'd rather snuggle than have sex. When we're apart, I try to keep the magic alive by sending him naughty pictures, talking dirty to him down the phone, sending him explicit text messages. And the most I've got out of him in response is 'That's cool', 'Nice!' or 'Yeah sounds good we should do that when we see each other next.'
I am really at a loss as to what to do next. Both quantity and quality are lacking. It used to just make me really frustrated, but now I am just really sad because I have a feeling that this is just what our sex life is doomed to be like. But I also really don't want to give up hope. And I'm not about to break up with him over it. Even if I tried to tone down my sex drive (which I'm trying to do currently, with minimal success), the sex would still be of average quality. Although I'm looking forward to seeing him on Thursday, part of me is also dreading it because when we are face to face, it is harder to control my desire to jump on him.
Any ideas/thoughts/support/comments would be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to give up :'(
He doesn't want to do anything exciting in bed. He actually doesn't even want to have regular sex that much. In the second month of our relationship, despite seeing each other every day, we had sex 3 times. And they were brief. And I didn't orgasm. When I try to initiate sex, he pushes me away so often it's beginning to affect my self-esteem. It's not like we're really old (both 23) or really inexperienced. And apart from our sex life, the relationship is pretty good. He's an awesome guy and we get on like a house on fire and there is definitely chemistry.
We've been together about 6 - 7 months of which the last 3 have been long-distance.
I'm posting this now because I'm seeing him on Thursday after a month, and would really like some ideas and thoughts.
I've tried doing different things in an attempt to seduce him. I've put on my sexiest underwear, suspenders and all, and lap-danced for him, (he was too tired) I've suggested doing it in different places, (none would be as comfy as a bed) I've asked him what his fantasies are (he's not sure) I've asked him what turns him on (it depends) I've suggested watching porn together, to help me gauge what he's into, (we will one day) I've dressed up in different random outfits (they looked hot but he just didn't feel like it those days), I've suggested soft bondage, I've tried talking dirty, I've sent him naughty pictures, I've suggested a threesome, I've tried doing it at different times of the day, I've suggested and/or tried a million different things that I can't even remember now.
I've tried talking to him (several times now) about our sex life, with minimal response. He denied that he has any less of a sex drive than I do (which is slightly true because on occasion, he's said no to having sex with me but has put on porn less than 10 minutes after). He said that he does want to have sex a lot, and when I asked why, then, do we not, he said it was various reasons, including he couldn't be bothered sometimes. And suggested that I just try harder to get him turned on. That comment made me cry.
He's beginning to realise that I am not satisfied. So he is making some attempt at improving things. However, when we do have sex, he makes it seem like it's a chore and he's only doing it because he doesn't want me to be unsatisfied, rather than because he just really wants to. The sex itself is of okay quality. He's rather well-endowed, but seems to think that just thrusting away is going to do the trick. It took me 2 months of gentle coaxing to get him to finger me. Foreplay has increased from non-existent to a couple of minutes maybe, and that's only just to check if I'm wet enough. Sometimes he likes to clean up mid-sex 'to make himself more comfortable'. If I'm really wet or have just squirted, he'll tell me I'm creaming up and pass me a tissue whilst looking at my bits in poorly disguised disgust. He has told me he doesn't like the smell/taste of lady juices. So he has been down on me once, to see if he still felt the same, was down there less than 5 seconds, resurfaced and looked like he was going to puke.
I've really seriously considered that he might be gay and in denial. But he has had girlfriends before me, buys Nuts and other lads magazines, and is quite vocal and explicit about what he'd do to Scarlett Johansen. Does anyone reckon it might all just be a front?
When we're together, he'd rather snuggle than have sex. When we're apart, I try to keep the magic alive by sending him naughty pictures, talking dirty to him down the phone, sending him explicit text messages. And the most I've got out of him in response is 'That's cool', 'Nice!' or 'Yeah sounds good we should do that when we see each other next.'
I am really at a loss as to what to do next. Both quantity and quality are lacking. It used to just make me really frustrated, but now I am just really sad because I have a feeling that this is just what our sex life is doomed to be like. But I also really don't want to give up hope. And I'm not about to break up with him over it. Even if I tried to tone down my sex drive (which I'm trying to do currently, with minimal success), the sex would still be of average quality. Although I'm looking forward to seeing him on Thursday, part of me is also dreading it because when we are face to face, it is harder to control my desire to jump on him.
Any ideas/thoughts/support/comments would be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to give up :'(
Yuo should hit me up, I'd meet your sex drive and raise it to the unreachable. Only messing, there might be a few different reasons, he might nt be attracted to you physically anymore, he may be depressed or gay
I'm done being anonymous, it takes too long for mods to let it go up.
Anyone who has replied in the last hour or so, I made a post a couple of hours ago that has only just appeared, a little bit higher up.
Hippieglitter, I have tried doing exactly what you said, in fact in those exact same words. I said 'why don't you want me?' he said 'I do want you' and I said 'well why don't you [insert any 4 lettered word meaning 'have sex with'] me?' and that's when he came up with the reasons like sometimes it's just not a good time to/he can't be bothered sometimes/would rather do it later at night. I demanded answers straight up, and I didn't get them. What I did get was a very upset boyfriend who thought it was unfair I was having a go at him, and it affected his confidence quite a lot. Woops.
Tsukuyomi, I have also done exactly this. He plays along for a while then loses interest, and doesn't actually do me.
To everyone who has said things like 'marry me!' and 'you sound fantastic', thank you for the support/invitation. Hehehe. It is quite nice to hear that people would appreciate me. But is it also slightly wrong that I have been a teensy bit tempted to PM people back, even just jokingly?
Anyone who has replied in the last hour or so, I made a post a couple of hours ago that has only just appeared, a little bit higher up.
Hippieglitter, I have tried doing exactly what you said, in fact in those exact same words. I said 'why don't you want me?' he said 'I do want you' and I said 'well why don't you [insert any 4 lettered word meaning 'have sex with'] me?' and that's when he came up with the reasons like sometimes it's just not a good time to/he can't be bothered sometimes/would rather do it later at night. I demanded answers straight up, and I didn't get them. What I did get was a very upset boyfriend who thought it was unfair I was having a go at him, and it affected his confidence quite a lot. Woops.
Tsukuyomi, I have also done exactly this. He plays along for a while then loses interest, and doesn't actually do me.
To everyone who has said things like 'marry me!' and 'you sound fantastic', thank you for the support/invitation. Hehehe. It is quite nice to hear that people would appreciate me. But is it also slightly wrong that I have been a teensy bit tempted to PM people back, even just jokingly?
The not wanting to go down on you I understand. Bodily fluids do not belong into my mouth (speaking as a girl here).
The rest, I don't. Do you know what kind of porn he watches?
The rest, I don't. Do you know what kind of porn he watches?
Original post by Anonymous
The not wanting to go down on you I understand. Bodily fluids do not belong into my mouth (speaking as a girl here).
The rest, I don't. Do you know what kind of porn he watches?
The rest, I don't. Do you know what kind of porn he watches?
Yeah. Like I said in an earlier post, when I was still anonymous, he likes big boobies, anal, naughty schoolgirl, naughty babysitter and such-like. Nothing particularly deviant or homosexual.
Original post by KJ_the_crazy_chick
Why are you with him if you are not happy? Find a guy who respects you and makes you happy.
This.
Original post by KJ_the_crazy_chick
Why are you with him if you are not happy? Find a guy who respects you and makes you happy.
Original post by FrigidSymphony
This.
Because he makes me happy in other ways. Our sex life isn't all our relationship is based on.
He definately has issues though unless he tells you i suppose you wont know what they are and be able to work on them. He could be gay/asexual or have perfomance anxieties for example.
If it were me I would jst back off and not bother initiating sex for a while and see if he trys it on with you. If he doesnt then it might be time to examine youre relationship and find someone more sexually compatible.
If it were me I would jst back off and not bother initiating sex for a while and see if he trys it on with you. If he doesnt then it might be time to examine youre relationship and find someone more sexually compatible.
I don't know what's up with your bf but the term "lady juices" is just gross (one step away from "pussy cheese" ).
Maybe you're too vulgar for him?
Maybe you're too vulgar for him?
errrr are you sure he's not getting it elsewhere?
Original post by the cake lady
Because he makes me happy in other ways. Our sex life isn't all our relationship is based on.
Fair enough, but the sex life is the reflection of everything else in the relationship, being the biological reason for the impulse to have a relationship in the first place. I can guarantee you that even if everything else is perfect, if what goes on in the bedroom doesn't work, the relationship is doomed from the start.
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