Hey guys, this is especially directed to those who said they were struggling with this themselves, please, please PLEASE go to the doctor. I went, after some encouragement by the dean of the medical school, and they gave me medication. I'm on 20mg/day of citalopram, and whilst the effects of the citalopram itself are a bit horrific (at first it makes the symptoms worse, and often there are horrific physical side effects such as wanting to vomit/being really tired/feeling tired all the time) but eventually it starts working properly and whilst it's not a cure but just there to reduce the symptoms, it's entirely worth it. I feel a bit like a zombie sometimes, but that's much better than I felt when I had the symptoms.
The doctor diagnosed both depression and anxiety. They tend to go hand in hand.
It might take a while to realise the treatment is actually helping, but when I read this thread, I realise how much it has progressed. I'm going for cognitive behavioural therapy after the summer, as I have exams and then I'm going to africa. Hopefully the CBT will cure the deep-down psychological issues I have, but I'm also trying new things and meeting new people, including travelling with people I've never met before this weekend (with a charity), and it's helping me solve issues myself. I've confronted head on what was wrong, and I've started to be more honest with myself and with my friends about what I'm feeling and it's made me realise that I wasn't acting normally for a while.
When I read this post back, I realise how much I've progressed. Whilst I do still struggle to get up some mornings, I'm much better than I was. I've been to more lectures. Not all the anxious/depressive feelings have gone, but they're much reduced. I'm not constantly on edge anymore, I'm getting up earlier and I'm getting back to the old happy, fun, outgoing Jess. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I used to get up at 1pm/2pm. Now I class 11am as late, and I'm getting up progressively earlier. I made it into a 9am lecture a while ago, today I voluntarily got up at 10:30am despite having no commitments to get up for, and I'm generally feeling better in myself. I've felt genuinely happy again, this weekend, when I spent some time with some old friends and met some new friends in a training weekend for when I go to south africa. If I'd have done this a while ago, I would have been terrified to meet these people and I'd think they all hated me. I took it all at face value and everyone really got on with me, and I got on with everyone there.
I started to have such severe depressive feelings that I became completely insular and didn't tell anyone about my feelings, I just thought they were to do with me. I'd blame myself for being a boring/miserable bitch, or for not being as outgoing as everyone else, and I'd hate myself for it. I blamed me not getting up and not being as interested in things I used to be on me being lazy. I genuinely believed all the anxious feelings I had, I thought people were working against me and I was doomed. I started to hate my medical school (when it has been the best thing that has happened to me and I love it), and wished I was somewhere else. I couldn't see the good things in my life. I'm also embarrassed to say this now, but I started to get suicidal thoughts. Which gave the doctors a huge warning sign.
I think this is something I have been suffering with all this academic year. It started off mildly, and then progressed until it became debilitating. I told my medical school about it, and they've moved my exams back so I have time to get back on my feet and do some more revision to compensate for the apathy about my education I've felt all year and also through fears I might have had a mental break down if I sat them too early.
People I knew wouldn't have known it. They maybe thought when I was upset, I was having a bad day. When I was scared/angry/suspicious of people, I was just being moody. When I missed lectures, I was being lazy. Nobody noticed the change in me, and the few people I have told about the diagnosis have been completely shocked, and thought I was just such a happy/outgoing girl because I put on a facade of happiness most of the time because I thought that's how people wanted me to act.
I've de-annoned myself so people can read this and maybe PM me if they want to. Please, please PLEASE go to the doctor and talk about it. They don't judge, my doctor was lovely and we had a chat. They see it all the time. At least 50% of the population have a depressive episode at some point in their life. Don't let it ruin your life. It's not your fault. So yeah, PM me if any of you need a chat.