This is the first time I ever speak about this and would love to know what you think
Ok, this is the first time I ever write this down, but I’m quite interested in knowing what you think. This will sound very dramatic, but it’s just the way I feel.
The only person in the world who I thought understood me perfectly told me a few months ago that she feels like she knows absolutely nothing about me even though we have been very close friends for over 6 years and that I should stop trying to be good all the time and think about myself for a change.
The more I think about what she said the more I realise that she is right.
I’m a nice guy, too nice according to some of my friends and I can’t say that I’m not that way. I am too nice and I’ve gotten really bored of it!!! But if I try to change I can’t, I end up feeling bad about passing up an opportunity to do something good and I end up thinking about other people’s feelings more than my own even with the simplest things…
For example: 1) I bought a shirt with a cool design of Buddha on it, but I never wear it thinking that it might offend anyone who is Buddhist.
2) I can’t leave a bin topped over in the street; I have to stop and put it back up the right way and clean up. I once did that with 8 bins on my way to my flat and ended up going the total opposite way of where my flat is to do this.
Like I know that it’s not my job to do this, but I just can’t help it and I hate it!
3) I never talk about my feelings, but always make it my mission to listen and help other people solve their problems.
There is so much I want to do, but because of how I feel I can’t. Like I’m 23 and have never gotten into a sexual relationship (I’ve not had sex yet and strangely enough am not in too much of a rush), not because of lack of opportunity, but because of the way I was brought up. I am very old fashioned, because of my culture, family and religion to some extent. I am a firm believer in romance and in being a gentleman (but I don’t know if I am really like that or just because of the way I feel that I have to always be good)
It’s not like I’m a people pleaser, that is what I thought at first, but I found out that I could care less what anyone thinks. I do good things, because if I don’t my conscious ends up eating me alive if I ignore doing the right thing or if I think about doing something bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m a saint, but what I’m saying is that I am being too nice and good and it doesn’t feel like I’ve got the option to be anything else.
And I constantly feel like I am a bad person and always have dark thoughts. (nothing too dark, but not good)
I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, but I do have my days and my mood shifts without a warning.
I am thankful that I have a loving family and great friends who I consider as part of my family and trust with my life, but I’m just not happy about who I am, because I don’t know who that really is anymore.
But here is the question all of this has been leading up to.
Does anyone else feel the same way, know how to beat this to not feel this way or better yet, any advice?
I am really interested in hearing what you think seeing as I have never told anyone about this.
The only person in the world who I thought understood me perfectly told me a few months ago that she feels like she knows absolutely nothing about me even though we have been very close friends for over 6 years and that I should stop trying to be good all the time and think about myself for a change.
The more I think about what she said the more I realise that she is right.
I’m a nice guy, too nice according to some of my friends and I can’t say that I’m not that way. I am too nice and I’ve gotten really bored of it!!! But if I try to change I can’t, I end up feeling bad about passing up an opportunity to do something good and I end up thinking about other people’s feelings more than my own even with the simplest things…
For example: 1) I bought a shirt with a cool design of Buddha on it, but I never wear it thinking that it might offend anyone who is Buddhist.
2) I can’t leave a bin topped over in the street; I have to stop and put it back up the right way and clean up. I once did that with 8 bins on my way to my flat and ended up going the total opposite way of where my flat is to do this.
Like I know that it’s not my job to do this, but I just can’t help it and I hate it!
3) I never talk about my feelings, but always make it my mission to listen and help other people solve their problems.
There is so much I want to do, but because of how I feel I can’t. Like I’m 23 and have never gotten into a sexual relationship (I’ve not had sex yet and strangely enough am not in too much of a rush), not because of lack of opportunity, but because of the way I was brought up. I am very old fashioned, because of my culture, family and religion to some extent. I am a firm believer in romance and in being a gentleman (but I don’t know if I am really like that or just because of the way I feel that I have to always be good)
It’s not like I’m a people pleaser, that is what I thought at first, but I found out that I could care less what anyone thinks. I do good things, because if I don’t my conscious ends up eating me alive if I ignore doing the right thing or if I think about doing something bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m a saint, but what I’m saying is that I am being too nice and good and it doesn’t feel like I’ve got the option to be anything else.
And I constantly feel like I am a bad person and always have dark thoughts. (nothing too dark, but not good)
I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, but I do have my days and my mood shifts without a warning.
I am thankful that I have a loving family and great friends who I consider as part of my family and trust with my life, but I’m just not happy about who I am, because I don’t know who that really is anymore.
But here is the question all of this has been leading up to.
Does anyone else feel the same way, know how to beat this to not feel this way or better yet, any advice?
I am really interested in hearing what you think seeing as I have never told anyone about this.
Scroll to see replies
Just be you-it's as simple as that. Your perfect person will be attracted to you and not some silly bad boy image you try to portray.
To be honest most of what you said i cant see anything really wrong with it, if thats the way you are then so be it, but he warned you will look like an idiot if you try and be something you are not 
Original post by Naomiimoan
Just be you-it's as simple as that. Your perfect person will be attracted to you and not some silly bad boy image you try to portray.
Indeed (+rep). You'd much rather someone who appreciates your quirks and genuine qualities, because you'll be far happier and more comfortable around them.
Also, people rarely punish you for thoughts in this day and age (that is if you don't express them, as you've said you don't). I know exactly what you mean about having dark thoughts, and they come to pass. They linger for maybe a moment and then you forget about them because they are so insignificant, so there's no need to worry about that. Everybody has them from time to time, so you're not in the minority.
Stay as you are and the right person will find you. Only change if these interesting quirks of yours become obsessive or damaging (e.g. your putting up of bins making you an hour late for a date with that special person or something).
You sound like a failure at life to be honest - no offence dude.
I know exactly how you feel. A lot of the times I feel my conscience kicking in, like for example, if there's a piece of clear plastic on the floor, I will pick it up and throw it in the bin. I also feel like I'm the one who listens to people's problems more so than they listen to my own. Particularly because I feel nobody gives me the advice I would give them or helps me to the extent that I will for them. It took me awhile to realise that what matters most is me. I can't keep helping people all the time and expect the same in return.
Basically, you need to realise for yourself who you are or who you want to be. Nobody can make that decision for you. Just because you don't want to be a good guy all the time doesn't mean that you will be a bad guy. There's always a grey area. Not wearing the Buddhist shirt, is respectful and you're own decision. IF it bothers someone then don't wear it, but if you really want to and no one's bothered then wear it.
As for the dark days, everyone goes through them at some point in their lives, some more so than most. I'm not clearly sure why you go through them as you haven't explained.
PM me if you need to talk
Basically, you need to realise for yourself who you are or who you want to be. Nobody can make that decision for you. Just because you don't want to be a good guy all the time doesn't mean that you will be a bad guy. There's always a grey area. Not wearing the Buddhist shirt, is respectful and you're own decision. IF it bothers someone then don't wear it, but if you really want to and no one's bothered then wear it.
As for the dark days, everyone goes through them at some point in their lives, some more so than most. I'm not clearly sure why you go through them as you haven't explained.
PM me if you need to talk
Original post by DeanK22
You sound like a failure at life to be honest - no offence dude.
TL;DR but seriously, wtf?
Awww, you sound lovely, I want to give you a hug and a chocolate chip cookie. Just be yourself, there is nothing worse than a badass wanabee. Perhaps just try and open up a little more to people, express your own opinion and feelings in discussions. Take it really slowly at the beginning, and after a while it will become 2nd nature. Good luck! xx
(edited 13 years ago)
just be yourself. maybe some of the things you do aren't "normal", but you're still a good person. you'll find someone who loves you for that, but it's no rush. in the meantime, work on learning to love yourself for who you are now, and work on your confidence be a bit selfish for once! hope this helps, PM me if you need to talk or anything.
be a bit selfish for once! hope this helps, PM me if you need to talk or anything.
I think I just fell in love.
Seriously, why should you feel in some way inadequate because you have a conscience? There should be more people like you. The only bad thing is that you reproach yourself for it. At the end of the day, you are who you are - you shouldn't have to change in order to conform to what you think is "normal". The best thing you said however, was that you don't do it for the respect or admiration of other people, purely because you feel you should. Fair play to you, you are winning.
Seriously, why should you feel in some way inadequate because you have a conscience? There should be more people like you. The only bad thing is that you reproach yourself for it. At the end of the day, you are who you are - you shouldn't have to change in order to conform to what you think is "normal". The best thing you said however, was that you don't do it for the respect or admiration of other people, purely because you feel you should. Fair play to you, you are winning.
Thank you all for the great replies, I really appreciate it.
I’m not trying to portray a bad boy image. I only want to be free to make my own choices without my conscious killing me over thinking about doing whatever it is I want to do.
Like if you saw me or even know me you’d never think that I’m like this. I give off more of a poker face and hardly show how I am feeling, because I am used to this role. I don’t enjoy playing it, but I have to for my little brother and sister when they need it and for my mom.
I don’t want to get too much into my life story, but as a young kid my brother and me had to go through our parents’ divorce and I took my dad’s role when he was out of the house for that time. I would try as much as possible to solve my family’s problems whenever it needed me to. (My parents got remarried 4 years later)
Whenever anything that makes me angry, sad or annoyed I end up not dealing with it and I have to admit that that has given me a very high tolerance to anything that comes my way, but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about what my problems are (like the day to day ones), because the way I am and the way my brain works make me believe that there is no need to get anyone involved in my problems, they probably have enough of their own and I would be viewed as less of a man if I show my weaknesses. I always keep a cool head no matter the situation, be it at a fight, saving my ex from bleeding out, because she tried to commit suicide (she mixed alcohol with anti-depressants) or being kicked out of uni by a racist tutor (he didn’t like middle eastern people for some reason)
Because of my dad, I believe that a man’s pride and self-respect are his all and his mission in life is to be strong for those around him and that is exactly what I’ve been doing. Going through the whole Egyptian revolution was a very rough experience for me as well, but I’d always be smiling and never talked about how I felt, because my brother was worried and I couldn’t tell him that I was as well so he can come to me if he needed to and tell me what his problems are without getting put off because I have my own.
And at the time I was losing my mind, because internet and phones were off throughout the country and I couldn’t get in touch, I was completely cut off from home, my mom, my sister and my friends, so I got some money together to buy a plane ticket back, but there weren’t any planes going back. So I tried talking to my friends over here about it, but no one could relate. It’s not every day that your country goes through a full blown revolution. I wouldn’t wish those rough times on anyone, but the pride you get afterward is legendary!! It is a huge confidence booster, but sadly that wasn’t my problem
Writing this stuff and having you guys comment on it is very therapeutic so again, thank you very much for taking the time
Original post by Naomiimoan
Just be you-it's as simple as that. Your perfect person will be attracted to you and not some silly bad boy image you try to portray.
I’m not trying to portray a bad boy image. I only want to be free to make my own choices without my conscious killing me over thinking about doing whatever it is I want to do.
Like if you saw me or even know me you’d never think that I’m like this. I give off more of a poker face and hardly show how I am feeling, because I am used to this role. I don’t enjoy playing it, but I have to for my little brother and sister when they need it and for my mom.
Original post by Anonymous
As for the dark days, everyone goes through them at some point in their lives, some more so than most. I'm not clearly sure why you go through them as you haven't explained.
As for the dark days, everyone goes through them at some point in their lives, some more so than most. I'm not clearly sure why you go through them as you haven't explained.
I don’t want to get too much into my life story, but as a young kid my brother and me had to go through our parents’ divorce and I took my dad’s role when he was out of the house for that time. I would try as much as possible to solve my family’s problems whenever it needed me to. (My parents got remarried 4 years later)
Whenever anything that makes me angry, sad or annoyed I end up not dealing with it and I have to admit that that has given me a very high tolerance to anything that comes my way, but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about what my problems are (like the day to day ones), because the way I am and the way my brain works make me believe that there is no need to get anyone involved in my problems, they probably have enough of their own and I would be viewed as less of a man if I show my weaknesses. I always keep a cool head no matter the situation, be it at a fight, saving my ex from bleeding out, because she tried to commit suicide (she mixed alcohol with anti-depressants) or being kicked out of uni by a racist tutor (he didn’t like middle eastern people for some reason)
Because of my dad, I believe that a man’s pride and self-respect are his all and his mission in life is to be strong for those around him and that is exactly what I’ve been doing. Going through the whole Egyptian revolution was a very rough experience for me as well, but I’d always be smiling and never talked about how I felt, because my brother was worried and I couldn’t tell him that I was as well so he can come to me if he needed to and tell me what his problems are without getting put off because I have my own.
And at the time I was losing my mind, because internet and phones were off throughout the country and I couldn’t get in touch, I was completely cut off from home, my mom, my sister and my friends, so I got some money together to buy a plane ticket back, but there weren’t any planes going back. So I tried talking to my friends over here about it, but no one could relate. It’s not every day that your country goes through a full blown revolution. I wouldn’t wish those rough times on anyone, but the pride you get afterward is legendary!! It is a huge confidence booster, but sadly that wasn’t my problem
Writing this stuff and having you guys comment on it is very therapeutic so again, thank you very much for taking the time
You know OP, some people might actually appreciate the fact you confide in them. Opening up to people is a sign of trust, and the person in who you confide might feel really honoured that you chose them to talk to about your feelings and problems. Anyways, I wouldn't bottle all of that up, it will be too much to handle after a while (and it already seems to be) and you can't go living your life for other people... 
You sound nice and can't all be that bad if what you've said is true (which I'm sure it is) so I just think you should just soldier on.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you all for the great replies, I really appreciate it.
I’m not trying to portray a bad boy image. I only want to be free to make my own choices without my conscious killing me over thinking about doing whatever it is I want to do.
Like if you saw me or even know me you’d never think that I’m like this. I give off more of a poker face and hardly show how I am feeling, because I am used to this role. I don’t enjoy playing it, but I have to for my little brother and sister when they need it and for my mom.
I don’t want to get too much into my life story, but as a young kid my brother and me had to go through our parents’ divorce and I took my dad’s role when he was out of the house for that time. I would try as much as possible to solve my family’s problems whenever it needed me to. (My parents got remarried 4 years later)
Whenever anything that makes me angry, sad or annoyed I end up not dealing with it and I have to admit that that has given me a very high tolerance to anything that comes my way, but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about what my problems are (like the day to day ones), because the way I am and the way my brain works make me believe that there is no need to get anyone involved in my problems, they probably have enough of their own and I would be viewed as less of a man if I show my weaknesses. I always keep a cool head no matter the situation, be it at a fight, saving my ex from bleeding out, because she tried to commit suicide (she mixed alcohol with anti-depressants) or being kicked out of uni by a racist tutor (he didn’t like middle eastern people for some reason)
Writing this stuff and having you guys comment on it is very therapeutic so again, thank you very much for taking the time
I’m not trying to portray a bad boy image. I only want to be free to make my own choices without my conscious killing me over thinking about doing whatever it is I want to do.
Like if you saw me or even know me you’d never think that I’m like this. I give off more of a poker face and hardly show how I am feeling, because I am used to this role. I don’t enjoy playing it, but I have to for my little brother and sister when they need it and for my mom.
I don’t want to get too much into my life story, but as a young kid my brother and me had to go through our parents’ divorce and I took my dad’s role when he was out of the house for that time. I would try as much as possible to solve my family’s problems whenever it needed me to. (My parents got remarried 4 years later)
Whenever anything that makes me angry, sad or annoyed I end up not dealing with it and I have to admit that that has given me a very high tolerance to anything that comes my way, but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about what my problems are (like the day to day ones), because the way I am and the way my brain works make me believe that there is no need to get anyone involved in my problems, they probably have enough of their own and I would be viewed as less of a man if I show my weaknesses. I always keep a cool head no matter the situation, be it at a fight, saving my ex from bleeding out, because she tried to commit suicide (she mixed alcohol with anti-depressants) or being kicked out of uni by a racist tutor (he didn’t like middle eastern people for some reason)
Writing this stuff and having you guys comment on it is very therapeutic so again, thank you very much for taking the time
Just be natural. Do whatever comes naturally- your conscience isn't separate from you and if it's telling you that something Is wrong, then it probably is. You seem like such a nice person. Just try to be comfortable with yourself. I just read your other reply and I can't imagine how you must be feeling but talking to people is 9/10 a good thing
It made me happy reading this. As others have said you sound like a really nice person.
How old is your brother? I haven't experienced it myself but i think i can partially understand the feeling of trying to be strong for someone else.
When it comes down to it, he's your brother. Perhaps try talking to him about how you're feeling and the problems you have, I'm sure he'd be more then glad to hear you talk to him that way. I look up to my sister so much and it made me feel great when she'd talk to me about her problems, as it was like i was repaying her for everything she'd done for me, even if what i gave her was actually so much less.
How old is your brother? I haven't experienced it myself but i think i can partially understand the feeling of trying to be strong for someone else.
When it comes down to it, he's your brother. Perhaps try talking to him about how you're feeling and the problems you have, I'm sure he'd be more then glad to hear you talk to him that way. I look up to my sister so much and it made me feel great when she'd talk to me about her problems, as it was like i was repaying her for everything she'd done for me, even if what i gave her was actually so much less.
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