Checking your partner's phone, reading their texts...

Right, well in theory I think it's wrong to go through your partner's phone without them knowing, like a betrayal of trust or something. But is it justified if you actually find something? My sister and her boyfriend got into a massive fight this morning because he is always flirting with other girls and she found more texts to this girl (I think maybe an ex) that he said he wouldn't talk to anymore, and she said she was sick of him lying to her and sick of him keeping secrets. What do you think of the situation? Was it wrong for her to read his texts? Or is it better that she knows at least?

is fun.

They are both guilty for very different reasons. IMO it means your sister's bf must have been not trustworthy enough so that your sis has checked his phone. Your sister didn't do the best thing exactly but if the guy's flirty texts are a bit too much then he needs to explain himself!!!

Reply 3

kat2pult

18

In principle it's wrong but it probably seems like the logical thing to do at the time if you're suspicious of someone. Her curiosity got the better of her and she found him out, it's just a shame she had to use that method to find all of that out.

Personally, I have no problem with my partner checking my phone (even though he doesn't and I don't check his either), we are very open and honest with each other, and we've got nothing to hide so it's not a big deal.

Sometimes I'll find him playing games on my phone though if I've left it in the same room as him and have wandered off haha.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 4

Georgiahoneybee

1

Although I agree it is wrong to look through your partner's phone, your sister clearly had reason to be suspicious. Having said that, I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I felt the need to check up on my boyfriend!

Reply 5

Vohamanah

16

I freely admit I can be a jealous bitch whore from hell and would normally read my partner's text messages if I knew I could get away with it. Not particularly because I distrust them, but because I am very very nosey and just like to see what they talk about to other people.

However, at the moment the jealous bitch whore from hell has been somewhat tamed. If I had my boyfriend's phone here right now I actually don't think I'd read his text messages. I think perhaps because "friends" (yaright) have been trying to tell me he's not trustworthy, which has made me trust him all the more. I think I'd refuse to read his messages as a matter of principle. Lol.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with checking your partner's texts.

If you have self esteem issues, then you are likely to be curious. If you are in this position (I was) and do check, then there are two possible outcomes;
either:
You find nothing and realise you were being a bit silly, probably irrational and you learn to trust your partner because you have no reason not to;
Or you do find something incriminating, in which case you were right to be suspicious and they have questions to answer.

If a relationship is really that strong, you should be able to talk to members of the opposite sex without crossing a particular line (which may have been agreed). If you feel the need to hide all your conversations, you probably shouldn't be having these conversations.

Say you go to a café with a member of the opposite sex without your partner knowing, they walk in to grab a coffee before work and see you with the other person. If you're unaware that your partner is there, does it put them in the wrong if they overhear you and this other person being inappropriate? Not really - you wouldn't be angry at them for overhearing. I know it's a different situation and not a great comparison, but I don't understand why people feel like their texts need to be so much more private. I would have no problem with a partner checking my texts because I'm confident that they'd never find me being inappropriate with other people.

I don't think someone who is being a lousy partner can be angry for getting caught out. I think the "respect my privacy" line is an attempt to play down the seriousness of what the person has done a lot of the time. If everything was so innocent, who cares if people read it?

Reply 7

in_vogue

3

''my sister''...the only-slightly-more-believable version of ''I have this friend''

Reply 8

MovingOn

10

It's not really an ideal situation, but if he had been lying to her then I think it's best she knows the truth.

Reply 9

ponpon14

14

It doesnt make it any better if you justify it like that. Its still wrong as it is their private property and information.

He obviously was in the wrong for lying about not talking to someone, but then again why should he not be allowed to talk to a friend?
No offense, but maybe your sister should relax a little bit more and trust him a little more. No relationship will work if you cannot trust the other person.
But then again, no relationship will work with people lying either.

Reply 10

The_Libertarian

7

If you trust them don't bother; reading texts/e-mails usually brings up 'something' that you won't like and since you weren't supposed to know about it you can't say anything. So you'll just angry, and read more. But still won't be able to say anything.

Fast forward: the breakdown of a relationship.

Don't start a vicious cycle.

Reply 11

Drogue

19

Original post by Anonymous

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with checking your partner's texts.

If you have self esteem issues, then you are likely to be curious. If you are in this position (I was) and do check, then there are two possible outcomes;
either:
You find nothing and realise you were being a bit silly, probably irrational and you learn to trust your partner because you have no reason not to;
Or you do find something incriminating, in which case you were right to be suspicious and they have questions to answer.

If a relationship is really that strong, you should be able to talk to members of the opposite sex without crossing a particular line (which may have been agreed). If you feel the need to hide all your conversations, you probably shouldn't be having these conversations.

Say you go to a café with a member of the opposite sex without your partner knowing, they walk in to grab a coffee before work and see you with the other person. If you're unaware that your partner is there, does it put them in the wrong if they overhear you and this other person being inappropriate? Not really - you wouldn't be angry at them for overhearing. I know it's a different situation and not a great comparison, but I don't understand why people feel like their texts need to be so much more private. I would have no problem with a partner checking my texts because I'm confident that they'd never find me being inappropriate with other people.

I don't think someone who is being a lousy partner can be angry for getting caught out. I think the "respect my privacy" line is an attempt to play down the seriousness of what the person has done a lot of the time. If everything was so innocent, who cares if people read it?

Because there's a lot that's innocent, in the case of not cheating, that you wouldn't want your partner to read. It's about privacy. For example when I was texting my friends about getting my girlfriend's engagement ring, I'd have been horrified if she read my texts and found out before I proposed. Or if I was worrying about our relationship and text a close friend about my fears, and she read it. Or if I thought she was being silly about something an wanted to rant to a friend to let off steam.

How many anonymous threads do you see in H&R of someone asking questions relating to their partner? How would you feel if you did this and your partner found out it was you? This is just the same as them reading your texts if you asked your friends rather than TSR the questions.

To the OP: while of course it's wrong for him to be lying about talking to her, it's also wrong for your sister to be lying about reading his texts and betraying his privacy like that. IMHO it's never justified.

Reply 12

Smurf2.0

Stooping low as checking text, surely implies alarming lack of trust.

Reply 13

Charlottelisabeth

8

I think it's wrong to read someone else's texts without their permission, just generally wanting to read them because you're nosy or because you want to know who they're texting then that's wrong.

But if you have a good enough reason like you think they're in some sort of trouble or you really believe they are cheating on you and want proof then I think it's ok to read their texts. But only if you just don't trust what they're telling you.

Whatever the outcome, if you find they are cheating on you they'll still be angry that you looked at their texts.

It's better to ask them to show you their texts so that they can proove that there aren't any texts from anyone that they shouldn't be texting who you think they're cheating with rather than you snooping.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 14

jthlm

OP

2

Original post by in_vogue

''my sister''...the only-slightly-more-believable version of ''I have this friend''

Haha oh of course, you caught me :wink:

Reply 15

dkuni

But if you have a good enough reason like you really believe they are cheating on you

If someone was neurotic and self centered enough to need proof because they've decided im not telling them the truth, I'd drop them in a second. Anyone that insecure has issues they need to work out themselves. The same goes for going through my phone, if you dont believe me you have zero trust in me and the relationship's not worth it. You don't need to touch my ****ing phone to see that.

I wonder how guilty people would actually feel if they checked their bf's texts and found nothing, or whether they'd even acknowledge the fact that they thought **** all about their bf and **** all about his privacy and do the same next time their neurosis started itching away

Reply 16

The Stig

18

It's not your phone, don't go through it. Simples.

Reply 17

hanaalou

it's wrong to read texts. but he'd made her insecure enough to do it and it's a good job she did because she obviously can't trust him!

Reply 18

aeterno

15

I don't think it can ever be truly justified but I can understand why your sister did so. If she trusts him so little though that she has to check through his phone then why is she even with him?