relationships+ UNI decisions :/

well, rite now Im in a difficult position, I have to choose what uni to go to, and yep Im in a relationship which makes it 100000x harder

We've said we're gunna stay together, but rite now it looks like wer going to different Unis
maybe 5 hours away from each other

I trust him and everything, its more the fact Im going to be missing him a hell of alot

whats everyones opinions on this? is it worth it? can it be done - long distant relationships for 3+ years? should relationships effect the choice you make for uni?

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Reply 1

Tommyjw

Relationships should not effect your choice in any way.
Go to the university you want to, wherever that may be, if you ending up picking somewhere else, somewhere you like less or is lower ranked, your going to regret it.

Reply 2

mapulet

I'm in this position- my boyfriend is staying in our home town, and I'm going 5 hours away because it's to a University that is better for my course.

You can try and make it work long distance :smile:

much better than to choose a University based around a relationship that might not be long term after all.

Just think of ways to keep in contact, how often you can afford to meet up, and working out how much you're home in the same place helps puts things in a positive light :smile:

Good luck!

Reply 3

Georgiahoneybee

I agree that, in theory, a relationship should not affect your choice of uni, but it's hard to put it out of your mind entirely. I ended up going to the same uni as my boyfriend, he was the year above me, but I had decided I was going there before I even met him, so I guess I was lucky. In his first year, I was still at home which was incredibly difficult. Then in my first and second year, I had him around, but my third and fourth have been without him again. I guess because I've been with him half my university life, I can't claim to be a success story for uni LDRs working- but I have several friends who it has worked for. On the other hand, of my boyfriend's flatmates, all 6 had bfs/gfs at the beginning of uni and me and the bf were the only couple left my the end of his first year (despite having been together for the shortest amount of time). It will be difficult, yes, but not impossible. You have to remember once you get to uni, you will both be very busy. Of course you'll still miss each other, but hopefully you'll be able to throw yourself into university life and still have fun. Neither of you are going anywhere for another 6 months either, so enjoy being together while you can :smile:

Reply 4

Debbie :)

thanks for all your advice guys, much appreciated :smile:

Iv heard of many people splitting up at the start of uni so it does scare me :/ I've been with this guy for around a year and a half now so hopefully that helps :/ but who knows, i guess if its meant to be its meant to be

Reply 5

emeleh

If you want it to work between you it will, regardless of how far apart you are :smile:

Obviously it will be harder but definitely don't be put off from going to a uni you love just because its 5 hours away! I'm 4.5 hours from my boyfriend and still going strong, you just learn to adapt to it and make the most of it when you do see eachother :smile:

Reply 6

Pink_Chocolate xx

Don't let it affect your decision!
But my boyfriend and I are about 4hours away, and possibly will be 6hours apart depending on what happens regarding my situation with uni this year.
It can work, it works fine for us.
You get used to being in a LDR, just keep in contact but give each other space & trust too otherwise this'll just break the relationship down.

It can be done :smile:

Reply 7

Neil_K

Original post by Debbie :)

Keep your relationship as an open, non-monogamous relationship. That way, you can still see each other when you are together, and you are both also free to date and have sex with other people when you're not together, without feeling guilty and without jealousy etc.

You're both young, so you should be out there having fun while you're young. You're only young once, and uni should be a time where you experience life, and part of that means dating and having sex with different people.

I never understood why people try to hold onto exclusive, monogamous relationships when they live in different parts of the country and when they are under 25. It's just flogging a dead horse to try and make a monogamous relationship work in these kind of situations.

What usually happens is that one person gets jealous or cheats on the other, or the relationship falls apart because you don't spend enough time together, and it creates too much unnecessary and unrealistic pressure and strain to maintain the relationship as an exclusive, monogamous relationship.

So the smart thing to do is keep the relationship open and non-monogamous so you can have the best of both worlds, without the pressure of trying to maintain a monogamous relationship. You can always go back to monogamous, exclusive relationship after you finish uni if you still like each other. In the meantime, have some fun.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 8

gLeek

It can certainly work. I got together with my boyfriend who lived at home a week after i started uni! There are times when yes, it is very very hard but if you make a promise to see each other say twice a month, sometimes even once a week if the funds and time afford it then it can work if your both commited to it :smile:

You just have to make sure you both put the effort in! But dont let it affect your choice, i almost did with my ex and we broke up before we even got to uni and it woul have been the worst mistake of my life if i hadnt change my mind last minute and withdrawn from that uni

Reply 9

Waldhexe

Original post by Neil_K

I think a lot of people would find it difficult to see their bf/gf dating other people, having sex with other randomers....it goes against our basic instincts about jealousy and possession. Surely if you have a deep emotional bond with someone you would want them all to yourself , just looking at things from a selfish position.

I suppose it might work for some people, but you have to have a specific mindset, I couldn't do it.

Reply 10

Neil_K

Original post by Waldhexe

I think a lot of people would find it difficult to see their bf/gf dating other people, having sex with other randomers....it goes against our basic instincts about jealousy and possession.

If anything, you've got that backwards. I've found that MONOGAMOUS relationships usually lead to things like jealousy, possessiveness etc.

Whereas I've found that open, non-monogamous relationships set you free from jealousy and this idea of possession.

Original post by Waldhexe

Surely if you have a deep emotional bond with someone you would want them all to yourself , just looking at things from a selfish position.

I don't believe in the notion that any human being can own another human being.

That is why I believe the whole notion of monogamy is flawed and why it fails so spectacularly in our society.

The whole concept of trying to 'own' another human being is what makes monogamous relationships fail.

Original post by Waldhexe

I suppose it might work for some people, but you have to have a specific mindset, I couldn't do it.

I usually find that most people are brainwashed into believing that monogamy is the 'right' way and that non-monogamy is an 'alternative', but this is just social programming/social conditioning. In reality, monogamy is no better than non-monogamy, and if anything, it's monogamous relationships that fail more. Witness the spectacular failure of marriage and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, for example.

Reply 11

Tommyjw

Original post by Neil_K

t's monogamous relationships that fail more.

Gotta love completely bull ****, random, incorrect and unverified statements :smile:

Reply 12

insoms

Original post by Neil_K

This won't work, the girl will end up shagging about 10 guys. The guy will end up shagging no-one, maybe one person if hes lucky.

Reply 13

Fuzzpig

Wow, you don't need to do this 'open relationship' bullcrap. I guess the person who wrote that didn't realise that some people don't want to share the person they love, and can't even picture themselves with another person.

Long distance relationship can work perfectly, especially university ones as there's the whole Summer together.

My boyfriend and I have kept ours going through two years of uni, an 8 hour coach ride between us. We're stronger than ever.

Reply 14

username430180

Same problem as you, luckily Leeds is only an hour and a half away from where I live now, and Manchester just under 3 if you drive fast.
Me and my bf did long distance for a few months when we started going out, so hopefully we should be fine.

Reply 15

Neil_K

Original post by insoms

This won't work, the girl will end up shagging about 10 guys. The guy will end up shagging no-one, maybe one person if hes lucky.

I DISAGREE. That highly depends on the guy. If he is someone who has no problem approaching and picking up women, he will do fine. If he is someone who has zero confidence and ability with women, only then will he be likely to shag 'no one'.

You really are making over generalisations here.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 16

Neil_K

Original post by Tommyjw

Gotta love completely bull ****, random, incorrect and unverified statements :smile:

How so?

Look all around you and observe the spectacular failure of marriage and monogamy.

Reply 17

Pendulum

Original post by Neil_K

How so?

Look all around you and observe the spectacular failure of marriage and monogamy.

I see you've taken to spouting your useless, uninformed, pious ****e talk into H&R as well as careers.

To OP, chances are you will get drunk and sleep with someone in freshers week either way so don't sweat it.