Your experiences with Aspergers and relationships?

okay now immagine thats you brother that shows no emoction to you, that hits you, constantly putting you down and when you do something good, dosnt congratulate you, but only pick faults, my brother has AS so can kinda in a weird was relate to what your saying:/

At the start of the year, I started seeing a guy with AS and we had started off having a great relationship. In fact, I didn't even know he had AS until the relationship ended, which it did suddenly and without warning. He suddenly broke up with me and then withdrew, saying "I want to be alone", although he insisted he still wanted to spend time with me, just not in a relationship way.

I'd be sitting there crying and asking him about his feelings and he'd just stare at me blankly, and say that his mind drew a complete blank. This was so different to the happy, talkative guy I'd been going out with. It was completely heartbreaking. He'd simply say things without any emotion in his voice. We'd talk for hours going round in circles and me never understanding why he broke up with me. Then he told me about the AS and explained that I had been great and the break up was nothing to do with me, it was him. And suddenly everything fell into place. Him loving his time alone, never seeming to feel lonely, not feeling any sort of desire or placing any importance on having a relationship. His obsessions, physics in particular, were so much more important to him. He wouldn't even mind hanging out with his friends who were a couple, and had no sense of being a third wheel. He told me he loved me, but as a friend. Yet I know this isn't true. He keeps telling me how I'm his best friend, but I know that he has romantic feelings for me- I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. But either he doesn't know it or he won't admit to it.

Two months later and we're off uni for Easter. I've gone home but he's stayed at uni...to study solidly over the holidays, only going home to see his family for 3 days. Alone by himself in a house. But it doesn't seem to bother him at all! We skype pretty much every night and he tells me what he's been up to. He seems happy and cheerful.
In the meantime, I cry every day because I'm still so in love with him and I don't know what to do. He tells me to go and find someone else and that he'd be happy for me, but it just hurts to hear that. I can't possibly look at anyone else as long as I'm in love with him

What are your experiences with AS and relationships?

I read somewhere that it is common for an AS/NT couple to go from being a couple, back to friends and then back to dating several times...although not ideal, I'm still hoping that at some point he'll want to go back to dating. But at the same time, I don't want to rely on that happening.

this is so sad

My brother has AS and most of the time you'd never know it. The thing is that he finds it hard to work out how actions correlate to feeling i.e. today he was extremely anxious and stressed because a girl he liked wasn't replying to his text. It reached the point that he had to take anti-anxiety medication.
That being said he had a very serious relationship for a year which he was fine with so it varies. He doesn't mind being alone and will often go out on his own to wander around without telling us where he is going. He described it to me that he generally see's situations as black and white, most guys can see shades of grey and girls are obviously functioning on a full spectrum.

Not everybody with AS is like this. I have AS and I've managed to have a number of functional relationships - although I am currently single and they have all failed for one reason or another. I also know married couples which are aspie/neurotypical - my parents have been married for 28 years and yet my dad has AS. It's definitely possible to have a 'normal' relationship even with Asperger's, so don't give up hope

I think it's worth realising that if you're going out with someone with AS, you may never be the most important or most interesting thing in their life - a lot of people with AS are honestly more interested by their current obsessions than by interpersonal interaction. This doesn't actually have to be a problem, but you may have to alter your expectations slightly compared to what you might expect from a NT.

Thank you for this very helpful post
I read that sometimes it's a case of almost developing socially later on than their peers...so he has got to the stage where he's comfortable with having friends and general social interactions (although not so much small talk), but he hasn't yet been able to have a successful romantic relationship whereas obviously other people our age (19 and 20) have done. He admitted to this himself- he feels like he's not ready for it. I am happy to wait for him of course, but I just hope I'm still in his life when he's ready.

I've been doing a lot of reading around the subject (luckily I study psychology anyway so it does help with my studies...sort of) and I even bought a book called "22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with Aspergers syndrome" hahaha. Yes, I'm that sad! It is so like him, it could literally be a book written about our relationship. I do understand that my expectations have to be different. In fact I probably know more than some people who are actually in these kinds of relationships! I wish he'd just give us another chance (because the actual official relationship didn't last long at all).

He may never develop that far - he may never be interested in a 'romantic' relationship in the same way as anyone else. Or he may become interested in it when he's in his twenties. Bear in mind that autistic people develop a theory of mind later than neurotypicals, so everything is a much steeper learning curve for us - I only realised that other people have emotions when I was 12, so I had quite a lot to learn in quite a short pace of time. You can't know what he'll end up wanting, but I'd advise you don't push him - 'I don't feel ready' may be a polite way of saying 'I'm not interested in it, and I feel like someone who was 'ready' would do'.



Be very careful with books written about people with AS. Some of them are quite good and informative, but others aren't - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time is one that comes to mind as a source of misinformation which, sadly, a lot of people trust. You can't make him give you a chance - he may also be prone to feeling claustrophobic and manipulated (I know that if I feel I don't have a 'choice' in an relationship, I just get the urge to run far away and never speak to the person ever again) when a neurotypical wouldn't be. But it does sound like a difficult situation, and it's one that I wish you luck with

This guy is really funny and has a channel dedicated to his experiences with Asperger's. This video is particularly relevant to you: http://www.youtube.com/user/InjuredMinds#p/u/20/jmJmj9tzPaA

I have a friend with aspergers and despite being an extremely attractive female she has absolutely zero interest in dating or even friendships to a large extent. She's a very solitary person. Many people who don't know that she has aspergers think she comes across as cold hearted and emotionless but that's largely because doesn't feel any sort of connection with them thus feels no need to communicate with them, we've spoken about it many times and she largely views other humans as mindless robots that are only useful if they're a means to an end. She never really experiences happiness, jealousy, anger, or even sadness thus doesn't understand it when other people display emotion towards her for instance anger if they perceive that she is ignoring them. She's simply content to live in her own world surrounded by her obsessions (animals and art), other humans are largely just an annoying distraction. I'm pretty much the closest thing she has to a friend, and even then we only see each other 2 or 3 times a year despite living in the same city. The rest of the time she's happy to keep herself to herself.

You're going to have to learn to accept that your friend has aspergers and that he probably doesn't view emotions or relationships in the same way as you do. Obviously everyone is an individual and impacted by their condition in different ways but if he's anything like my friend he wont have the faintest clue as to why you're so upset about the relationship ending. If he prefers his own company as opposed to close relationships that is something you're just going to have to accept and thus you'll have to learn to move on. You can't force him to feel the same way towards you as you do towards him.

I suppose it's particularly hard for me because I'm such a social person and a people-lover. I absolutely hate being alone, unless I haven't had any 'alone time' in a very long time. I want to socialise as much as possible, and when I like someone, I want to spend as much time with that person as possible. This is why I find it so hard to understand how 'my guy' can possibly be okay with spending the entirety of the holidays cooped up in a house by himself. He says he doesn't feel lonely or miss anyone, and I can't get my head round it! I am really trying.