Problem with grandmother...can't go on holidays as a family

Is it really acting selfishly if we have looked after her for 7 odd years and gave up our holidays for such a long time?

We went on holidays every year until then (Germany, Sweden, Italy, France,...) and have 'sacrificed' them for her now for such a long time. I don't think this is really selfish now is it?

This thread makes me really sad.

FFS, she's 86, and won't be around for that much longer in all likelihood. I don't understand how you could be so selfish as to complain that you can't go on holiday because you have to care for a relative.

Holidays are complete luxuries; you should count yourself lucky that you managed to go away every year until 2003. I haven't been on a family holiday abroad since 1992 (which is probably before you were born, if you're only going to university this year), because my family couldn't afford it. Every time I've been abroad since then, I've worked, saved and paid for myself. I don't really see what's stopping you doing that and going away with friends instead, if you're so desperate for a holiday.

I really hope your grandchildren are more sensitive and caring when it's your turn to be old.

erm... go on holidays with friends instead of family?

FFS what is wrong with you? I have cared for her for 7 years ffs!!!

How can you speak as if I don't give a **** about her? I have gone with my friends loads of times, but you don't seem to see the pleasure in going as a family. I would rather call you selfish going to holidays with friends instead of going with your family. Friends won't be there forever, while your family will be. And yet instead of going with your family, you decide to go with friends?

How selfish is that? That's like only caring about friends and not family. Think of all those who don't have a family and so wished to have one. Think of them. And you can't even save up and go as a family? This is what I call selfish.

This thread makes me really sad.

FFS, she's 86, and won't be around for that much longer in all likelihood. I don't understand how you could be so selfish as to complain that you can't go on holiday because you have to care for a relative.

Holidays are complete luxuries; you should count yourself lucky that you managed to go away every year until 2003. I haven't been on a family holiday abroad since 1992 (which is probably before you were born, if you're only going to university this year), because my family couldn't afford it. Every time I've been abroad since then, I've worked, saved and paid for myself. I don't really see what's stopping you doing that and going away with friends instead, if you're so desperate for a holiday.

I really hope your grandchildren are more sensitive and caring when it's your turn to be old.

That's kind of out of order. Wanting to go on holiday does not show in any way that the OP & their family does not care and love their relative. Caring is hard and emotionally draining and it is in the benefit of everyone, including the person being cared for, to have a break. This is why respite care is available.

I know it's emotionally draining. My grandmother has lived with my family since 2004; it's exhausting.

However, given that the OP has also mentioned that he/she has been on holiday lots, just not with family, I think that's not necessarily the issue at hand. Sounds more like they're after a family holiday than a needed break.

*shrugs*

The OP is probably not going to be the primary carer here. The family holiday is clearly important to the OP and presumably their family too. It is not selfish to want a family holiday because that family holiday is clearly going to act as a needed break. I wouldn't even consider it selfish to put a relative in respite care 'just' to have a family holiday!

Seems a bit strange that she never learned the language.

It's certainly not respite care I have a problem with; it's a wonderful option to have. It's the attitude of "we need to go on holiday". There's nothing selfish about needing a break from care, but I do think there's something selfish in being miserable specifically because you can't go to the US/Egypt/wherever else the OP mentioned.

Why? It's something that was important to the OP & their family before they began caring for their relative.

Even if you find it selfish-- nothing wrong with a bit of selfishness. Everyone is and has to be selfish at times.

The OP's family have given up a lot to care for their relative. I don't consider them selfish to want a foreign family holiday. And I wouldn't think any less of them if they turned around and said yeah they are being selfish, think they're entitled to a week of selfishness.

From the point of view of the relative, them being unable to go on holiday may eventually lead to resentment of the relative, lower standards of care etc etc

It's actually pretty common. If you mostly stay at home (and so only really communicate with family) then you're going to do that in your mother language, and if you live in a community with lots of other people who speak the same language (which is perfectly possible to do in big cities) then you might not even have to speak any English in your day-to-day dealings.

Yeah one of the problems of importing a misogynist culture is that you eventually build up a stock of elderly women who can't ask for help cos they were never allowed to learn the language.

Travel on your own.

Seriously, who the **** would want to travel with their parents?

What? Travelling on your own is the sadest I've ever heard of. Looks like you don't get along well with your parents. No wonder you don't want to go with them.

I couldn't mention everything, because nobody would read it all, but the reason why we can't do this is that I will be at university from this autumn. After that my holidays won't be easy and I've got two other sisters who are going to high school and primary school. The problem will be the holidays.

After that I'll be married most likely and then it won't be possible at all. I see my fellow friends all going to different countries on holidays and we can't go anywhere. The maximum we go is for a 1 day trip to like Stonehenge or something...