He was the love of my life
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Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend of 5 years finished with me last night. We have never had sex as I am a virgin and had an extreme fear of my first time. He was upset and did it by phone, that annoyed me though as its seems cowardly. I understand why he ended it, it is a long time to wait and be patient and he tried to make me relax but I always put it off. I went to counselling but it was only 10 sessions and cannot afford to go to Relate.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
Original post by senator88
This isn't your fault, or his. May I ask what is it exactly you are scared about?
I don't know why but in my head I think it is going to be extremely painful.
Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend of 5 years finished with me last night. We have never had sex as I am a virgin and had an extreme fear of my first time. He was upset and did it by phone, that annoyed me though as its seems cowardly. I understand why he ended it, it is a long time to wait and be patient and he tried to make me relax but I always put it off. I went to counselling but it was only 10 sessions and cannot afford to go to Relate.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
Why are you scared? because of the pain? If this is the case, have you ever tried a dildo/vibrator to try yourself in your own time, with lots of lubricant. Once you get used to this it most likely won't be as painful when it is your first time. This is what I done anyway. Oh and anon or delete please
Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend of 5 years finished with me last night. We have never had sex as I am a virgin and had an extreme fear of my first time. He was upset and did it by phone, that annoyed me though as its seems cowardly. I understand why he ended it, it is a long time to wait and be patient and he tried to make me relax but I always put it off. I went to counselling but it was only 10 sessions and cannot afford to go to Relate.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
It had got bad in the end where he no longer saw friends, was diagnosed with depression and his bedroom used to be immaculate and now it is as bad as How Clean Is Your House. I know all the signs were there and I feel bad I neglected him. It got to the stage where he was scared to touch me as the rejection made him repulse his self.
I am upset as I love him so much but this stupid fear took over my life and ruined it. One day I want children so will have to overcome this. I don't know if I will get him back this time as we have ended it before but this time he said we need to find the right people. Please help.
Ok, he broke up with you. now you know what to do right?
Ask yourself, does the guy truly love you? Fair play he waited five years, but love is for an eternity, and he should have been willing to wait for you forever with your insecurities, and he did not. Unless you gave of the signal through your actions that you did not truly love him yourself and as such he's using that as his excuse, otherwise he broke up with you because of sex. That's not someone I would want to spend the rest of my days with, no matter who they are, if they aren't willing to wait it out then they should royally get lost.
Personally, I think the others are being a little harsh. You can't force yourself to have sex with someone if you aren't ready to.
However, it is quite a long time for a guy to wait and I guess it shows that he loves you, given that he waited 5 years. I imagine that the solution is more or less down to you - you're going to have to work hard to get over it (after all, if you love him and feel comfortable with him, then surely you should want to enjoy intimacy with him?) or forget about him.
If you're that worried, why don't you try easing yourself into it first by masturbation?
If you think you can still save the relationship, go for it. You could always try foreplay to start of with - that can be just as, if not more, enjoyable than actual sexual intercourse and he'll be able to help you relax and enjoy. After all, that's what sex is all about. It shouldn't be scary if you're sharing it with someone you love.
However, it is quite a long time for a guy to wait and I guess it shows that he loves you, given that he waited 5 years. I imagine that the solution is more or less down to you - you're going to have to work hard to get over it (after all, if you love him and feel comfortable with him, then surely you should want to enjoy intimacy with him?) or forget about him.
If you're that worried, why don't you try easing yourself into it first by masturbation?
If you think you can still save the relationship, go for it. You could always try foreplay to start of with - that can be just as, if not more, enjoyable than actual sexual intercourse and he'll be able to help you relax and enjoy. After all, that's what sex is all about. It shouldn't be scary if you're sharing it with someone you love.
Original post by Helenia
Please keep the thread clean - debating about the ethics of sex before marriage or calling troll is not going to help.
The ethics of sex before marriage are incredibly germane to this thread, because of ridiculous archaic notions and pernicious rumours people like the OP become mentally warped and withhold from sex for no good reason at all
Original post by a_t
The ethics of sex before marriage are incredibly germane to this thread, because of ridiculous archaic notions and pernicious rumours people like the OP become mentally warped and withhold from sex for no good reason at all
The OP is not withholding for religious reasons. She is afraid it will hurt. It's quite a different situation.
Original post by a_t
The ethics of sex before marriage are incredibly germane to this thread, because of ridiculous archaic notions and pernicious rumours people like the OP become mentally warped and withhold from sex for no good reason at all
No they're not as she did not wait because of some desire to wait to be married, she waited because she's deadly afraid of her first time, there's a big difference.
Whilst I generally agree with the sentiment on your posts in here, the fact you've conveniently ignored that it's her fear that's stopping her is rather annoying.
Original post by Hylean
No they're not as she did not wait because of some desire to wait to be married, she waited because she's deadly afraid of her first time, there's a big difference.
Whilst I generally agree with the sentiment on your posts in here, the fact you've conveniently ignored that it's her fear that's stopping her is rather annoying.
Whilst I generally agree with the sentiment on your posts in here, the fact you've conveniently ignored that it's her fear that's stopping her is rather annoying.
You should also notice how I talk about pernicious rumours and archaic notions rather than religious reasons
The fact that religion often views sex as something dirty and to be frowned upon I think is not unrelated, I mean we've all heard the rumours about masturbation making you go blind etc, I doubt such rumours were spread by atheists. This notion of extreme pain may well be of a similar origin
Original post by rylit91
You'll get no sympathy from the scumbags on here. Without patronising you, good for you for waiting. Don't be pressured. He doesn't deserve you.
Hahahahaha...
Aw what an attitude.
Nah seriously though, there comes a point where if you're rejecting a guy constantly and not putting out, he has to leave.
Depression is the least that happens to a healthy young man who is B) sexually frustrated and B ) Made to feel utterly repulsive by your conflicting messages. You can say you love him a million times, but parts of his mind keeps taking that rejection and recoiling from him personally.
OP, I think you need to just let him go and leave him to it until you sort yourself out and come to terms with what is causing your irrational fear of intimacy.
Be his friend if you can't live with him being gone entirely (and he allows it) but otherwise you need to count your losses and sort it out.
Original post by erklam
You will never in your life find a better person to lose your virginity for. Go and get him back. And **** him. You will like it.
This, he waited five years. That's a keeper.
Ignore the rest of the trolls on here bad-mouthing him, they're probably just a bunch of virgins themselves. Or insufferable sluts. Either way they don't have a rational and balanced opinion on relationships.
Original post by AndroidLight
Ask yourself, does the guy truly love you? Fair play he waited five years, but love is for an eternity
I refer to my statement above. This here is not a realistic or practical opinion of someone with valid experience.
Love is great but does not invalidate everything else in a relationship.
OP, you say you are scared of the pain. This is an irrational fear. Like all irrational fears you have to educate yourself and slowly desensitize yourself to it.
If you haven't already try other things like foreplay and stuff (as suggested). Talk to someone who can help you come to terms with this irrational fear.
But you have to seriously make the efforts, you have to make the decision and use will-power to overcome the fear, no more running from it.
If you are to ever have the sort of relationships you want, you need to beat this.
Best of luck.
Original post by a_t
You should also notice how I talk about pernicious rumours and archaic notions rather than religious reasons
The fact that religion often views sex as something dirty and to be frowned upon I think is not unrelated, I mean we've all heard the rumours about masturbation making you go blind etc, I doubt such rumours were spread by atheists. This notion of extreme pain may well be of a similar origin
The fact that religion often views sex as something dirty and to be frowned upon I think is not unrelated, I mean we've all heard the rumours about masturbation making you go blind etc, I doubt such rumours were spread by atheists. This notion of extreme pain may well be of a similar origin
I never once mentioned religious reasons, but you said the "ethics of sex before marriage are incredily germane" to the topic, thus implying she is waiting for marriage before having sex, which is blatantly wrong.
Unless she states her fear of pain comes from religion or any other archaic notion, it's best not to spout such drivel.
Original post by a_t
You should also notice how I talk about pernicious rumours and archaic notions rather than religious reasons
The fact that religion often views sex as something dirty and to be frowned upon I think is not unrelated, I mean we've all heard the rumours about masturbation making you go blind etc, I doubt such rumours were spread by atheists. This notion of extreme pain may well be of a similar origin
The fact that religion often views sex as something dirty and to be frowned upon I think is not unrelated, I mean we've all heard the rumours about masturbation making you go blind etc, I doubt such rumours were spread by atheists. This notion of extreme pain may well be of a similar origin
I don't think the pain has a similar origin at all. I think the pain element stems from the fact that, yeah, for first times, it does hurt.
Original post by Anonymous
We are both 24. I feel awful I have destroyed his confidence, I am trying to stay strong but I am worried he won't take me back saying I have promised to change too many times but haven't.
but have you done nothing for him? no hand shandies? or going down? nothing??? does he not turn you on? poor guy, you seem to have really messed him up.
you should just relax and let him lead... needn't be proper sex the first few times, but you should give it a go.
I really feel bad for him.
Original post by MearsM
I don't think the pain has a similar origin at all. I think the pain element stems from the fact that, yeah, for first times, it does hurt a lot of the time.
It does, but not so much that someone should be so afraid that they never have sex.
OP, I'm really sorry things have ended for you like this. I seem to remember you making threads about this problem a few years ago. It must be incredibly difficult for you after all this time and tbh not much we can say on here will help, but obviously we can try our best. I can't say whether it's right for you to try to get back with him or not, only time will tell, but you do have to try to find some way to overcome your fears, otherwise I suspect other relationships will all go the same way.
Original post by AndroidLight
Ask yourself, does the guy truly love you? Fair play he waited five years, but love is for an eternity, and he should have been willing to wait for you forever with your insecurities, and he did not. Unless you gave of the signal through your actions that you did not truly love him yourself and as such he's using that as his excuse, otherwise he broke up with you because of sex. That's not someone I would want to spend the rest of my days with, no matter who they are, if they aren't willing to wait it out then they should royally get lost.
he obviously has his own insecurities which were probably caused and were affected by her own. I mean, to say that he doesn't love her or deserve her, or that he broke up JUST because of sex is really unfair and cruel. 5 years of rejection... I mean, that's got to hurt. he probably just didn't want to be in such pain any longer, which doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
I bet any girl out there who has read this thread is thinking "I'll have him if she won't"...
Listen to some Taylor Swift songs for two weeks and you'll be fine.
I am so angry as when he lost all his savings before Christmas due to tax evasion I lent him money bought him food and tried to make him happy. He wasn't in the mood for sexual activity as he was depressed about the money. Soon as he repaid me my money he walked away. I never pressured him for the money back. I wonder now if he has met someone else.
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