do you think my boyfriend is pressuring me or am i being silly? Any advice..

Apologies about length but really need advice :biggrin:

Hey everyone I would really need your advice. I just feel like I need a bit of perspective…

So my plan is to wait until marriage to lose my virginity I already explained this to my boyfriend of about two months before we started going out. He said he was alright with it.. Now I was thinking of doing other stuff like oral but now I’m not so sure I haven’t told him that I have fully changed my mind yet..

The thing is he says he loves me, he said it first, not me! But yet I feel like I am feeling pressurised to have sex. He tells me some nights I stay over that he really wants to have sex and stuff and when I said 'I know but you know how I feel about that' he gets a bit huffy and tuts. I don’t know if he is intentionally trying to pressure me maybe he is just being really honest because he seems really honest in every other way. So last night I was saying that all this talk about sex is making me feel pressurised and he didn’t reply. I know it must be hard for him as he is used to having sex in a relationship, its hard for me too not to have sex too but I know I want to do it when and if we get married, I think it would really hurt me if I gave him my virginity and we ended up splitting up. So last night he tried to put his hand down my below just on my pants and I was like no, but yeah he kept going after i kept living it off so I just got fed up in the end and didn’t bother saying it anymore. Cause it wasn’t making much of a difference. Thinking back now I should have put my foot down and just left.

Sometimes I feel so weird for not wanting to have sex yet like him saying that girls don’t get as much sexual need than guys. Its not like I don’t want to have sex its just I want to wait.

In saying all that stuff, he is really kind to me. He tries to cheer me up when I’m down about uni stuff and helps me in other ways like to find a house. Sometimes though he says stuff like why do I eat that, and why do I say that? I’m not use to all this questioning about my behaviour! I am probably painting him in a bad light. But he is a nice guy and when I am with him I am happy most of the time its just this sex stuff that is so annoying me right now. I am being the best girlfriend I can be to him bar all the sex stuff. I’m there for him when he needs me and I try and help him if he is stuck with uni work if I can..

I dunno is not having sex such a big deal? Any advice? I’m planning not to spend so much time over at his house…I’m 20 and he is a little bit older if that makes a difference. .. I do love him though i would even more he could understand and appreciate my what this means to me.. Its just getting to me... I can't even concentrate on my uni work...

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Reply 1

bethanysmith

it isnt really a big deal at all and if anything youll be closer once you do it. if youre really serious about him and see a future then why wait? you dont paint him in a bad light at all he seems like a saint!

Reply 2

Alison1992

20 is quite old to lose your virginity, i think you'd be at risk of losing him if you insist on not satisfying him because he will want to get it from somewhere else. I don't mean to be insulting. The thing is, sex isn't a big deal, i was 16 when i lost mine, we split up, i'm cool with it. Also, if you lose it on your wedding night it could well be a let down as first times typically don't go to plan. You also say you want to have sex, if you want to and are serious about the relationship then it will make you closer, there's nothing that can bring you more close, also, who says he ever wants to get married. I think it's time to bite the bullet

Reply 3

Clip

Sex is a part of the overwhelming majority of grown-up relationships, and barring any religious convictions, there is a lot to be said for a sex-before-marriage, making a marriage that much better (ie you don't end up in a marriage that is lacking something as you didn't know what they were like).

I don't think he is unreasonable in pestering you for sex. That's what men do. If you make it clear that that's not what you want - then he has to decide if he wants to be with you or not. There certainly comes a point when "being the best girlfriend you can" comes up a little short.

I don't know about waiting until marriage, but certainly you should decide on what to do with this chap. If you are sure you don't want him like that - then you should make it absolutely clear to him, and then also offer him an immediate "out", ie say "and if you want it to be over, say so now".

I'm not a relationship counsellor, but I don't see the value in going part the way (ie acts short of shagging), as that seems very strange. He'd just see it as being a matter of time, and really resent you if that was the end.

Reply 4

screenager2004

From this, it looks like you're making it into a big deal for no reason.

Edit: I don't mean "just have sex" - I applaud your self-control, but why make the not having sex thing into a big deal? Just don't have sex, stop worrying about whether you should be doing it or not and carry on having fun with your life.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 5

username457532

You seem to have been pretty clear that it's not something you want to do. He really shouldn't be pressurising you. If you explained this before you started going out then he knew what he was likely to get out of the relationship. It's fine to want to have sex but it's also fine to not want to. For whatever reason.

Reply 6

sarahthegemini

Original post by Alison1992

Or bite the rabbit :ahee:

Bad joke is bad :sad:

OP - It sounds as if he is pressuring you, maybe not intentionally, but you can't blame him for wanting sex. He is human :tongue:

If he wants it, and you don't want to do it/aren't prepared to do it, I doubt the relationship will last tbh.

Reply 7

nadiah

Original post by Anonymous

Apologies about length but really need advice :biggrin:

Hey everyone I would really need your advice. I just feel like I need a bit of perspective…......

I understand where you are coming from and respect that you want to wait. However, have you really ever thought about why you want to wait? If it's for the ~romance~ on the wedding night, I will tell you now that the first time is generally **** :tongue:

Not having sex is going to be hard for him - and you mention you don't find it easy either, so why not just have it? You seem to be in a pretty loving relationship.

It is natural to be scared of being hurt - the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me 2 weeks after we did it, ouch! But 'hurt' is a natural part of relationships and IMHO if you are at the point where you are staying at each others houses it is going to hurt just as much if/when you break up whether you have had sex or not.

(I will say now, that it hurt like HELL for me, but like everything else you get over it. If anything it gave me the confidence to deal with sexytime better with my current partner, in that I could tell him if we were going to fast or slow for me :P)

If you do decide that you still really want to wait, it might be that he is just not the one for you. Although I personally don't think he is pressuring you LOADS, the pressure is still there. It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has different views, when the views are about relationships themselves!

But whatever happens, good luck and hugs :hugs:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Thanks everyone for your advice, i'm still abit confused, the reason why i'm waiting is more religious reasons. I'm wondering is it possible that there is a guy out there willing to wait? Like is it realistically possible? Eh i dunno, he is such a nice guy and if it had to be with anyone i would want it to be him. The thing is i prayed to meet someone and so maybe this bf could be the One but i don't know i feel like i'm going to be going against my own beliefs. So just say i did change my mind about waiting for sex till marriage and said that i might do it do you think if he really loved me as much as he says he does he could wait a year? Physically i'm probably ready but its just this block in my head that says no i think its based on my beliefs. Thanks everyone for your advice

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

Original post by Alison1992

How is it old? :facepalm2:

No wonder British girls have a reputation for being easy :rolleyes:

Reply 10

in_vogue

Original post by Anonymous

How is it old? :facepalm2:

No wonder British girls have a reputation for being easy :rolleyes:

Screw your opinion.

No-one so cowardly they have to go anon to make sexist and prejudiced statements deserves to have their opinion listened to.

Reply 11

Limesasquatch

do it. it means more than you think...

Reply 12

Implo

He should wait for when your ready, especially for religious reasons you have every right to make him wait he should pressure you like this.

Reply 13

kerily

If you don't want to have sex with someone and they want you to, and imply that you should want to have sex with them, then they're in the wrong. I don't agree with the whole abstinence until marriage malarkey, but if you don't want to have sex with someone for any reason whatsoever, you're not contractually obliged to do so just because they're in a relationship with you and they'd like to.

Reply 14

Drumzilla

if you're not doing anything 'intimate' then i can't really see it lasting unless he shares the same views. it's pressuring in a way, but you can't blame him.

you say you're being the best girlfriend you can bar the sex, and that i do not doubt, but without any intimacy, imo, are you not just close friends?

Reply 15

Anonymous #3

listen don't do anything. if he really is "the one" then he'll respect your beliefs. and if he tries to pressure you - trust me he's NOT the one. Oral sex is still sex so keep away. Good luck.

and. p.s. majority of tsr are a bunch of horny girls and guys so not the best place for this type of advice.

Reply 16

dreiviergrenadier

Original post by Anonymous

So last night he tried to put his hand down my below just on my pants and I was like no, but yeah he kept going after i kept living it off so I just got fed up in the end and didn’t bother saying it anymore. Cause it wasn’t making much of a difference. Thinking back now I should have put my foot down and just left.

This is pressure, and it's completely unacceptable. If someone says no to sexual conduct, and you carry on going, you're guilty of sexual assault. No one should have to put up with that kind of behaviour. I would honestly suggest that if he cannot restrain himself you should break up with him. No matter how nice he is in other areas, if he cannot control his urges he is not deserving of a girlfriend.

Original post by Anonymous

I am being the best girlfriend I can be to him bar all the sex stuff.

I don't mean to be offensive, but I have to take issue with that statement. You're not doing anything wrong here - a good girlfriend is not someone who simply goes along with her partner's sexual desires. You are right to stick to your principles, and it does not in any way make you a bad girlfriend.

Reply 17

TheWorld!

Original post by Anonymous

I really really think you should stick to your guns! I am really suprised about the comments on here they seem to be pressurising you to do it as well? Whatever happened to poeple supporting other poeples choices even if their not the norm? I know soo many poeple who were initially planning to save sex for maraige but ended up having sex because they were in a loving stable relationships (and also the pressure). The thing is these relationships dont always last and these poeple ended up really regretting it. You might not regret it but then again you might and its not something you can take back. You sound like someone who it means a lot to so dont give into pressure and if you have sex make sure its because you really want to do it not because you feel like you have to! Thats the most important thing! By the way i am also planning to save sex until maraige though i know its hard in this day and age :smile:

keep strong :biggrin:

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 18

dreiviergrenadier

Original post by Anonymous

I'm wondering is it possible that there is a guy out there willing to wait?

Some guys are more than 'willing', some of us will positively insist upon it :tongue:

Reply 19

Singularity

I think if you're that set on not having sex until marriage, you need to find a man who feels the same. I doubt that a man who doesn't share your views can have a fulfilling relationship without sex.