Why can't people accept that attractiveness is a major part in a relationship...

Well, physical attractiveness would surely be of significant importance for sex, but surely not for a relationship?

Like I said, I know looks are a bonus.

Ask yourself this

Would you rather be with someone who is ugly but has a heart of gold, or a hot guy who treats you like crap?

I honestly would go for the less attractive guy.

A few years ago I went out with a guy who wasn't exactly prince charming but we lasted for about a year. I honestly thought we weren't going to last for a week, so I was surprised.

Put yourself in his shoes. If you liked an attractive guy who thought you were ugly, wouldn't you have at least been happy to be given a chance for a few dates? And it is only a few dates, it's not like you're accepting a marriage proposal from him.

Are you being this dense on purpose?

Why am I a ****? I'm certainly not a troll, and I don't see anything wrong with what I've said, I'm being honest. Would YOU go out with someone who you weren't attracted to at all?

Would I go out with somebody I wasn't attracted to at all? No. Would I go out with somebody I wasn't physically attracted to at all? Yes.

There are different elements of attraction, physical attraction is just one of them. If I had a strong emotional bond with the girl in the photo you so needlessly posted (therein lies the reason I think you're a **** - how would you feel if somebody posted a photo of you on the internet as an example of ugliness?), if I thought she was kind, caring and/or funny and I geniunely felt happy when I was with her, then of course I'd go out with her.

The qualities I list above are rarer, more meaningful and less fleeting than superficial appearance; I see dozens of women I'd like to **** everyday, I'm yet to meet a single one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

Would I go out with somebody I wasn't attracted to at all? No. Would I go out with somebody I wasn't physically attracted to at all? Yes.

There are different elements of attraction, physical attraction is just one of them. If I had a strong emotional bond with the girl in the photo you so needlessly posted (therein lies the reason I think you're a **** - how would you feel if somebody posted a photo of you on the internet as an example of ugliness?), if I thought she was kind, caring and/or funny and I geniunely felt happy when I was with her, then of course I'd go out with her.

The qualities I list above are rarer, more meaningful and less fleeting than superficial appearance; I see dozens of women I'd like to **** everyday, I'm yet to meet a single one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

Stop trying to be a martyr here.

Get off your moral high horse and actually think about things realistically.

Do you actually know what a martyr is?

...I have no intention of dying in the name of this cause.



If you want realism, here's some for you:

Physical appearance is fleeting and transient - whoever you end up with will be physically unattractive in 20-30 years and physically repulsive in 40-50 years.

If you rule out having a relationship with somebody on the purely basis of physical appearance, you ARE shallow and superficial.

Shallow and superficial people inexorably end up miserable and lonely.

I have nothing to gain from pretending to place more emphasis on qualities besides physical attraction, I'm just being honest as you claim to be.

1) A martyr is a term used in every day life and doesn't necessarily mean "dying for the cause". .

2) I'm ONLY 20. I'll be in education for another 5 years and after that I'll be a doctor and not interested in forming a family for at least another 5 years after I graduate. Who I'll be with in 20-30 years isn't relevant to me at the moment, or at least, isn't something I'm thinking about. Also by that time even if I date the most beautiful person in the world who thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world, we'll both be growing ugly together. If I'm in love with him romantically then that won't bother me. I'm not saying that looks mean as much as you're saying I am, and if I had another connection with this guy romantically then fair dos but I don't.

3) If you read my previous posts properly you'd realise I didn't say it was solely looks putting me off him, for ****s sake. There are aspects of our personality that aren't really compatible either, and I just don't see him like that. Sorry for not wanting a relationship with someone I see as just a friend. Sorry if not wanting to **** every guy who's sweet and has a good personality makes me shallow, but there are some people I just want as friends and nothing more and tbh that's the same for everyone, surely.

4) I place personality WAY above looks, however I'm just saying looks come into it and if it's someone who I've gotten to know and don't find we're entirely compatible physically or in terms of personality, I don't want a relationship with them.

5) As I keep saying, I'm ONLY 20, I've been in my fair share of relationships and also had my fair share of casual relationships with people and I'm told I'm a good person and attractive, whether or not I agree with them is a different story and I don't have a huge ego so I'm not going to say that I find myself "awesome and hot" or anything, but I'm confident I'm not bad tbh. I'm not scared of being "lonely" forever at this moment, as I'm not as shallow as you're saying I am, I'm just being realistic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/martyr



I'm not sure why you're telling me your life's ambitions, what has your intention of becoming a doctor got to do with anything? It makes you look like an attention seeker tbh.

If there are truly emotional incompatabilities (you haven't mentioned what any of these are) then why can't you just be honest? Tell him specifically what emotional incompatibilities make a romantic relationship undesirable, then you won't have to mention anything about his appearance, thereby avoiding damaging his self-esteem.

...Why should I, and why do I have to justify to you and to him why I don't want to go out with him, otherwise I'm deemed as shallow? I'm just not compatible with him, in my eyes, and that's it. I shouldn't have to justify it or seem like a bitch.

Erm... why did you start this thread exactly? I thought you wanted a way to reject his romantic advances without destroying your friendship? I've given my opinion on how you can do this. Take it or leave it.

X?

I don't need to overexplain to him, that's all I'm saying. Also I already told him there's nothing I can see ever happening but he doesn't seem to be taking that even, so I need a way of making it clear. He hasn't asked since, but is seeming to be trying to up contact with me so I don't know what to do.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused as to the answer I actually want, I also wanted to know why people think it's shallow with this thread.

Ok fair enough.

The issue of shallowness has been raised, in my opinion, because you put the focus on physical attraction rather than your emotional differences. I disagree that physical attraction is a part of emotional attraction. To me, and I think to many others, they are separate. Physical attraction is just chemical, bodies are just meat; an emotional and mental bond transcends mere animalistic urges and is thus more meaningful.

If you do not feel an emotional/mental bond with the guy in question and this is the reason you do not want a relationship with him nobody can justify calling you shallow. If, on the other hand, your rejection is based on his looks then I'm sorry, but this kind of does makes you shallow.

Can I just ask how old you are? I'm thinking it does depend on age (not being patronising at all).

I still don't think wanting someone you're physically attracted to does mean you're shallow. If you can't look at your boyfriend/girlfriend and feel attracted to them, then you might feel uncomfortable in a sexual relationship with them. You might get along like a house on fire but there's something very intrinsic a lot of the time about physical attraction. Maybe you have the ability to turn that off but some people don't. If I based relationships purely on looks and wouldn't go out with someone unless they were the hottest guy on earth and didn't care about personality, and wanted him as a sort of trophy to show off, yeah that's shallow. But rejecting someone becuase you're not physically attracted to them isn't shallow. Relationships are based on a lot of things.

But no I'm NOT rejecting him on the sole basis he's not good looking. But I do think you're thinking about this in the wrong way and I think it's a bit narrow-minded and judgemental to call someone shallow if they think looks play some importance in relationships. If they're t he only thing they value, fair dos, they're shallow, but I value other things more, but still need some sort of vague physical attraction to them.