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Very unhappy at Oxford :(

I'm thinking about leaving Oxford.

I've done two terms of my first year and have been unhappy from very early on. I am very lonely. I have no close friends and find my college very gossipy and cliquey. I'm friendly and sociable but most of the people in college are very indifferent to me. Some purposely choose not to include me. I find I go whole days without seeing a soul.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world I come from and my outlook on life makes me unappealing as a friend to Oxford students. I've been brought up in a totally working-class family. I'm one of few in my family that did A Levels and the first to go on to higher education.

Some little things that have happened are stupid but have really hurt me and knocked my confidence.
Once I was talking to an American student about Strictly Come Dancing and a girl standing adjacent to our conversation suddenly butted in and said "In England we say DARNCE not dance."
Another time I went to the college bar and ordered half a lager and the boy next to me rolled his eyes. He proceeded to sit down at the table I was sat at and make a speech about how girls should drink wine and how Carlsberg was the cheapest ****test drink he'd ever tasted. I've been drinking Carlsberg since I was 15 and funnily enough, I actually like the taste of it. But in saying something in situations like these maybe it just puts more people off including me rather than them realising that there is a world outside of middle-class London.

It makes me very sad when I see my home friends at other places having the time of their life. More often now when I phone them they are always too busy for a chat. I feel like I am relying on them and they don't really need me any more.

I am getting more and more depressed and downheared and I wish I had never applied to Oxford. Because once I got in I felt I couldn't possibly turn it down.

I made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it.

Being honest with myself I know I would be much happier in the completely different atmosphere at Birmingham.

But at the back of my mind...and my parents... is job prospects. People are telling me no matter how miserable I am I can't drop out because its oxford.

I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place. I have absolutely hated the time I have spent at Oxford but for job reasons only am hesitant to firm Birmingham. I don't know what to do.

You should try not to take those comments to heart. Whoever made the first one was obviously ignorant of the fact that most people in England have traditionally pronounced A short (and however it's pronounced is mere spittle in the grand scheme of things): Shakespeare certainly wouldn't have said "darnce". And whoever made the second sounds rather like Al Murray as the Pub Landlord. You should simply have explained that you enjoy drinking what you do and don't set much store by his/her gender stereotypes. Of course, it may be hard to stand up for yourself if you feel like you don't "belong" or aren't quite as articulate -- neither of which, no doubt, is truly the case. But, in both cases, it may well not have been that they were intentionally trying to attack you: they were maybe just expressing themselves as they're used to doing. So if perhaps if you were able to open up a little to them about your experiences and background, they may be more understanding, I don't know.

Anyway, it's up to you what you do. People around you will be dazzled by the bright lights of Oxford (as no doubt you were), but to [potential] employers it often won't make a huge difference; many people from other universities have great careers. But try to consider how things might improve at Oxford too, even if that involves a little effort on your part. Think about how you might be able to meet more like-minded people etc. (They will be there!) However, if you do seriously consider moving to Birmingham, try first to list rationally the ways in which your experience will likely be better, as it would be a shame to move and find yourself just as upset after having done so.

Are enjoying/interested in the course? What are you studying?

Good luck!

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 21

agolati

14

My sympathy goes to you but it actually seems like you're picking at all of the little things and mentally trying to view them as an offense. You're getting effected by what people say, they haven't even bullied you or anything.

Be honest with yourself, are you failing in your studies because that could be the case, and now you're just finding excuses outside study to be the reason why you don't want to be in Oxford.

Oxford to Birmingham - that's a transition in universities. Top university to top 30 university. The least you should be considering is a top 5.

I really think that you should stick it out and join societies, engage in crowds that you share more in common with.

p.s There's no point of even ranting to us if you're already set to leave. Give weighting to peoples views that are in favour of you staying in Oxford too, even though your feelings are against it coming into this thread.

lol @ the negs, when comparing Oxford to Bham, it's a big difference, Bham is a good uni, but it's just quite a long shot away from Ox. There's no point of bigging up Bham in THIS context.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 22

BigFudamental

13

Nothing against Birmingham, but could you perhaps transfer to somewhere that might be a bit of a compromise between Oxford and Birmingham?

Reply 23

spocckka

14

You're in Oxford, be bloody grateful.

Reply 24

Mann18

15

Original post by BigFudamental

Nothing against Birmingham, but could you perhaps transfer to somewhere that might be a bit of a compromise between Oxford and Birmingham?

Depends what they're studying to be fair.

If it's Law, it's not that big a jump at all.

Reply 25

BigFudamental

13

Original post by Mann18

Depends what they're studying to be fair.

If it's Law, it's not that big a jump at all.

True, need some more info from OP I guess.

Reply 26

pixiebot

2

Birmingham is a great university, yes Oxford would look awesome on a CV but that's not really the point, you're obviously clever enough to do well where ever you go and no doubt you'd work better in an environment you are comfortable with.

On the other hand, Oxford would look awesome on your CV... Have you looked into getting a house with anyone next year? That may feel less isolating and in the end, university is somewhere you go to work and you have the rest of you life to live of the benefits of Oxford.

I don't know really... I'm surprised how many of my friends hate their uni experiences but the comments you are getting are completely out of order.

This has been a very confusing, unhelpful post but I really wish you the best luck

(I would move to Brum if I were you)

Reply 27

littlesparrow

10

Transfer colleges?

Or apply to Cambridge :sexface:

Reply 28

The Fez

12

Original post by lissi08

I'm thinking about leaving Oxford.

I've done two terms of my first year and have been unhappy from very early on. I am very lonely. I have no close friends and find my college very gossipy and cliquey. I'm friendly and sociable but most of the people in college are very indifferent to me. Some purposely choose not to include me. I find I go whole days without seeing a soul.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world I come from and my outlook on life makes me unappealing as a friend to Oxford students. I've been brought up in a totally working-class family. I'm one of few in my family that did A Levels and the first to go on to higher education.

Some little things that have happened are stupid but have really hurt me and knocked my confidence.
Once I was talking to an American student about Strictly Come Dancing and a girl standing adjacent to our conversation suddenly butted in and said "In England we say DARNCE not dance."
Another time I went to the college bar and ordered half a lager and the boy next to me rolled his eyes. He proceeded to sit down at the table I was sat at and make a speech about how girls should drink wine and how Carlsberg was the cheapest ****test drink he'd ever tasted. I've been drinking Carlsberg since I was 15 and funnily enough, I actually like the taste of it. But in saying something in situations like these maybe it just puts more people off including me rather than them realising that there is a world outside of middle-class London.

It makes me very sad when I see my home friends at other places having the time of their life. More often now when I phone them they are always too busy for a chat. I feel like I am relying on them and they don't really need me any more.

I am getting more and more depressed and downheared and I wish I had never applied to Oxford. Because once I got in I felt I couldn't possibly turn it down.

I made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it.

Being honest with myself I know I would be much happier in the completely different atmosphere at Birmingham.

But at the back of my mind...and my parents... is job prospects. People are telling me no matter how miserable I am I can't drop out because its oxford.

I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place. I have absolutely hated the time I have spent at Oxford but for job reasons only am hesitant to firm Birmingham. I don't know what to do.

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. My bestfriend has experienced a very similar situation. She's from a public high school - a very small one in the working-class suburban of Ohio (in the US) and she got accepted to one of the ivies. She's a very sociable and friendly person, but apparently where she goes people are very cliquey (as the people in your uni now). She called me on skype crying most times because she felt lonely. Most people from her uni are from private schools and most of them are wealthy, so that's probably why she didn't feel like she belongs there.

However, by the end of the second semester, she started working as a volunteer in the admission center or something like that and started to make friends (not close friends, but nonetheless friends.) It's only her first year, but she started to feel like she could stay. I don't know how it's like there, but there must be at least one person who you could hang out with. Try to involve yourself in activities and societies? And just ignore those spoiled rich pretentious kids, because taking them seriously would just be a waste of time, and not to mention the pain. Talk to your friends back home, and even though you feel lonely, just remember that you're never alone :smile:

Cheers

Reply 29

RedCasino

10

Where you go to for university does not equate success outside of university. Heck, half the world's billionaires dropped out of university or didn't go in the first place (if money is a measure of success to you). I'd choose to be happy because these are the years you can't gain back so you want to make the best use of them and be at a place you find more comforting.

I'd suggest talk to a tutor at Oxford, see if you can perhaps swap colleges, stating that you are unhappy at the current one. Tell them about your proposed plan to go to Birmingham if it'd make you happy. Usually, these people give the best advice possible and they know what you're going through so they can offer alternatives.

End in all, happiness is key to success and if you're going to enjoy it more at Birmingham (good university), then go there. Frankly, the people you've described seem rather pretentious, and perhaps jealous of you're achievement despite coming from a working-class background (frankly social segregation does exist at university level too).

Reply 30

shoshin

10

Original post by lissi08

I've made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it...I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place.

Such an odd admissions procedure; highly informal yet strictly time-bound.

Reply 31

im so academic

15

Original post by lissi08

I'm thinking about leaving Oxford.

I've done two terms of my first year and have been unhappy from very early on. I am very lonely. I have no close friends and find my college very gossipy and cliquey. I'm friendly and sociable but most of the people in college are very indifferent to me. Some purposely choose not to include me. I find I go whole days without seeing a soul.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world I come from and my outlook on life makes me unappealing as a friend to Oxford students. I've been brought up in a totally working-class family. I'm one of few in my family that did A Levels and the first to go on to higher education.

Some little things that have happened are stupid but have really hurt me and knocked my confidence.
Once I was talking to an American student about Strictly Come Dancing and a girl standing adjacent to our conversation suddenly butted in and said "In England we say DARNCE not dance."
Another time I went to the college bar and ordered half a lager and the boy next to me rolled his eyes. He proceeded to sit down at the table I was sat at and make a speech about how girls should drink wine and how Carlsberg was the cheapest ****test drink he'd ever tasted. I've been drinking Carlsberg since I was 15 and funnily enough, I actually like the taste of it. But in saying something in situations like these maybe it just puts more people off including me rather than them realising that there is a world outside of middle-class London.

It makes me very sad when I see my home friends at other places having the time of their life. More often now when I phone them they are always too busy for a chat. I feel like I am relying on them and they don't really need me any more.

I am getting more and more depressed and downheared and I wish I had never applied to Oxford. Because once I got in I felt I couldn't possibly turn it down.

I made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it.

Being honest with myself I know I would be much happier in the completely different atmosphere at Birmingham.

But at the back of my mind...and my parents... is job prospects. People are telling me no matter how miserable I am I can't drop out because its oxford.

I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place. I have absolutely hated the time I have spent at Oxford but for job reasons only am hesitant to firm Birmingham. I don't know what to do.

Oxbridge is definitely not for everyone. One should apply to Oxbridge because they want to pursuit their education there - but that also implies they would be happy there.

It seems that the only reason now you're staying is because "it's Oxford".

No, it doesn't matter - not to the extent of your happiness.

I am truly sorry that Oxford hasn't been the best for you.

If you honestly believe you would be happier at Birmingham, then go. And you could always return to Oxford for postgraduate study if you so desire.

Best of luck.

Reply 32

pixxie

2

Original post by lissi08

I'm thinking about leaving Oxford.

I've done two terms of my first year and have been unhappy from very early on. I am very lonely. I have no close friends and find my college very gossipy and cliquey. I'm friendly and sociable but most of the people in college are very indifferent to me. Some purposely choose not to include me. I find I go whole days without seeing a soul.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world I come from and my outlook on life makes me unappealing as a friend to Oxford students. I've been brought up in a totally working-class family. I'm one of few in my family that did A Levels and the first to go on to higher education.

Some little things that have happened are stupid but have really hurt me and knocked my confidence.
Once I was talking to an American student about Strictly Come Dancing and a girl standing adjacent to our conversation suddenly butted in and said "In England we say DARNCE not dance."
Another time I went to the college bar and ordered half a lager and the boy next to me rolled his eyes. He proceeded to sit down at the table I was sat at and make a speech about how girls should drink wine and how Carlsberg was the cheapest ****test drink he'd ever tasted. I've been drinking Carlsberg since I was 15 and funnily enough, I actually like the taste of it. But in saying something in situations like these maybe it just puts more people off including me rather than them realising that there is a world outside of middle-class London.

It makes me very sad when I see my home friends at other places having the time of their life. More often now when I phone them they are always too busy for a chat. I feel like I am relying on them and they don't really need me any more.

I am getting more and more depressed and downheared and I wish I had never applied to Oxford. Because once I got in I felt I couldn't possibly turn it down.

I made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it.

Being honest with myself I know I would be much happier in the completely different atmosphere at Birmingham.

But at the back of my mind...and my parents... is job prospects. People are telling me no matter how miserable I am I can't drop out because its oxford.

I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place. I have absolutely hated the time I have spent at Oxford but for job reasons only am hesitant to firm Birmingham. I don't know what to do.

Aren't there any other people than just those in your college? Surely there's got to be someone else at Oxford who is like you!

My cousin applied to both Oxford and Birmingham, and was accepted at both, but decided on going to Birmingham because he felt that Oxford was really snobby, and he absolutely loved it. He's since graduated with a First and has a job. If you were 'good enough' to get accepted into Oxford, chances are you're gonna do well anyway, whichever uni you go to!

If you leave then it might feel like you're letting them "win", but at the end of the day if you know you'd be happier elsewhere, you should leave. 3 years of your life is too long to spend wishing you were somewhere else :/ xx

Reply 33

Locutus

I'd go to Birmingham, I know Oxford and I know oxford graduates, my stepfather was a oxford grad and he has tried to discipline me into the proper way of living for the past 11 years of my life. It's pretty demoralizing. I also have quite a few arguments with his friends the other oxford graduates and they don't like it when I win.

Birmingham would be a better bet, I'm sure you'll love it there

Reply 34

im so academic

15

Original post by Blackshadow

im so academic is going to explode when she sees this, RUN!!! :nooo:

No, in fact I always feel disheartened seeing these type of posts.

But it's expected, Oxbridge is not for everyone.

Reply 35

Locutus

At the end of the day, Oxford has been reduced in stature as quite a heck of a lot people are going there, getting an oxbridge degree does not guarantee you a job as they are now so common. I think an employer would rather see a graduate with flair and ambition and identity than just another oxford graduate

Reply 36

im so academic

15

Original post by spocckka

You're in Oxford, be bloody grateful.

True... True.

Reply 37

Bjoorn

11

jesus im so tired of the TSR perspective on life, go oxbridge or die trying. my gf's dad didnt even go to uni and now he's ceo of an airline. anyway there's nothing wrong with birmingham and especially if you work hard and get a first. plenty of people leave oxbridge for other unis cos they dont like it. if you really hate it then why stay? uni is supposed to be the greatest experience of your life but if you're willing to live in a hole with those snobby gits you dont like then you'll end up regretting it later

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 38

therealOG

2

Original post by lissi08

I'm thinking about leaving Oxford.

I've done two terms of my first year and have been unhappy from very early on. I am very lonely. I have no close friends and find my college very gossipy and cliquey. I'm friendly and sociable but most of the people in college are very indifferent to me. Some purposely choose not to include me. I find I go whole days without seeing a soul.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world I come from and my outlook on life makes me unappealing as a friend to Oxford students. I've been brought up in a totally working-class family. I'm one of few in my family that did A Levels and the first to go on to higher education.

Some little things that have happened are stupid but have really hurt me and knocked my confidence.
Once I was talking to an American student about Strictly Come Dancing and a girl standing adjacent to our conversation suddenly butted in and said "In England we say DARNCE not dance."
Another time I went to the college bar and ordered half a lager and the boy next to me rolled his eyes. He proceeded to sit down at the table I was sat at and make a speech about how girls should drink wine and how Carlsberg was the cheapest ****test drink he'd ever tasted. I've been drinking Carlsberg since I was 15 and funnily enough, I actually like the taste of it. But in saying something in situations like these maybe it just puts more people off including me rather than them realising that there is a world outside of middle-class London.

It makes me very sad when I see my home friends at other places having the time of their life. More often now when I phone them they are always too busy for a chat. I feel like I am relying on them and they don't really need me any more.

I am getting more and more depressed and downheared and I wish I had never applied to Oxford. Because once I got in I felt I couldn't possibly turn it down.

I made a few phonecalls and I have a place at the University of Birmingham if I want it.

Being honest with myself I know I would be much happier in the completely different atmosphere at Birmingham.

But at the back of my mind...and my parents... is job prospects. People are telling me no matter how miserable I am I can't drop out because its oxford.

I'm running out of time to tell Birmingham if I want the place. I have absolutely hated the time I have spent at Oxford but for job reasons only am hesitant to firm Birmingham. I don't know what to do.

If you're unhappy there you should leave. This happened to my sister (she left Cambridge after a year and reapplied, ending up at UCL where she is loving it). If it means you are enjoying life and have good health then there should be no hesitation. And it's not like Birmingham is a bad uni; it's in the Russel Group.

Reply 39

limetang

19

Happiness>>>>>>>Prestiege. To dust off an old chestnut; your days at university are meant to be some of the best of your life. So why on earth spend them at a place you find so unappealing.

I mean personally when I was looking around at universities what made me choose st andrews was not the prestiege. It was the fact that everyone there seemed so nice friendly and approachable. Well that and the fact that It is a good place to learn.

(edited 13 years ago)

Very unhappy at Oxford :(

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