Commitment-phobics : excuse or reality?

I'm terrified of commitment. I live with my girlfriend and I still get this nagging voice asking me what the hell I'm doing. I'm awful at talking about my feelings, and I spent my younger years having a stream of meaningless, sex-based casual relationships just to avoid getting close to anyone (not that I realised that at the time).

So yeah, it's a real thing.

Personally i think it's a load of rubbish. It's just another way of saying I don't want a relationship with you but I'm happy to string you along until I find someone who I really like.

Yes, but at the end of the day, your attachment/feelings for your girlfriend prevailed and even though you might have been reluctant to get closer to her, you did in the end. So what I'm saying is that, if you like someone enough, you will probably get closer to them/commit to them in the end. The fear is there, but it's not strong enough to stop you.

No, not me personally. But you're sugar coating it. Remember, this is a fear that took me four years to overcome, since being treated awfully by my first girlfriend. Four years of not being very nice to my partners because I was afraid to let them get within arm's reach. A fear I still have that I can only overcome because we're old enemies and I've learned all of its blind spots.

And it's at its strongest when you first get together with someone. I live with my girlfriend now, but that's one success after a trail of broken relationships. I'm not defending being afraid of commitment as an excuse to treat people like crap - my regrets from those years add to my own fear - but I am defending the people who are afraid. You can't point to me and say "He got over it", because not everyone can.

What made you overcome your fears with your current girlfriend though, as opposed to all the previous girls that you've been involved with? Wouldn't you say that you just liked her more than the others?

No, I wouldn't say that at all. As I already said, my fears and I are old enemies now. I've had three "serious" relationships in my life - with my first girlfriend, my current girlfriend, and my most recent ex. All of the others have been train wrecks.

My most recent ex was lovely. We were together for just over a year, but eventually my fear got the better of me and I screwed everything up and left. I didn't like her any less than my current girlfriend. Obviously I don't love my ex any more, but our time together was no less amazing than the time I share with my girlfriend.

So it's not as simple as liking one person enough to overcome your baggage. It's about knowing your baggage well enough, and being able to know when it's trying to trick you. It's being confident enough to try to be with someone, because you're always afraid that you're going to find a reason to run away. Saying "I don't think we should be together, I'm scared of commitment" is a way more fair thing to do before a relationship happens than six months in.

Get my meaning?

I see, thanks for your answer. I'm currently involved with someone who apparently is a "commitment phobe". At first it was great, we did loads of things together, talked all the time. But as time goes by, he seems more and more reluctant to spend time with me; I've asked him about it, and he told me that he doesn't know if he wants this to get serious. But when I ask him if he'd rather just be friends, he says no.. and he's definitely not with me for the physical aspect though, since we don't have sex.

I'm having trouble determining whether he really is afraid of committing to me, or if he's just stringing me along until he finds someone better.

That's why i was asking you all these questions.

To put it another way, for you, there's this conflict between being in control, and this need to be a bit of a control freak (for lack of a better term). And the compromises that necessarily ensue in every relationship?

I'm really furious at the moment, so for my attitude right now is just "stop over analysing it and ****ing me over" (ex had similar stuff to what you've described). But there we go. For me all this seems to be tied up in over thinking things. Maybe that's an unfair assessment?