Anon please or delete.
As the title says, I feel good when I don't eat. It's like a sense of achievement - I feel as if I've accomplished something which in turn makes me feel good and happy.
I don't eat breakfast and if I buy lunch (at school) I will buy a small bread roll. By small, I mean about the size of my fist. I'll look at the range of sandwiches (some of which are sooo yummy) but will always be drawn to the roll, due to its size. The small roll is all I need to fill me up (or at least, it's all I think I need) and it makes me feel good because I know that I'm not eating much.
It also makes me feel very happy when I don't eat lunch or breakfast at all - again, I feel as if I've really achieved something. But I'll only do this some days. If I have an important lesson or a practical in the afternoon I'll eat a bread roll since I know that I'll need food, but otherwise the happiness I get from not eating is enough to lure me away from the rational thoughts telling me that I need food.
I also have a problem eating in front of people - it makes me feel bad and slightly sick. Watching people eat also makes me feel slightly nauseous.
But the thing is, I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm 7 stone 4, ffs. I'm not skinny, but need to tone up rather than lose weight.
I think the reason that I do it is because I'm never happy - my family situation is really bad, and on top of that none of my friends care about me and I'm too frightened to talk to people. Limiting what I eat, for some reason, makes me feel happy and it is the happiness I crave. I already see a counsellor but we don't have enough time to talk about my other problems, let alone this. I just don't understand why not eating makes me happy
I'm getting worried. Can anyone help?