Well first I dont know if I have depression, but heres my story anyway and I feel like it might make it better if I just write it all down.
I'm in my first year at uni and had a tough 2 years at college (lets just say all my close friends went to different colleges and I didnt make a group of friends at college, so was on my own for most of it)
When I was at college I used to cry about once a week, and there was one time where I thought whats the point anymore? and who would care if I was gone.
So I started uni and it's been great, ive made a few good friends and I met my bf at uni, who ive been with 6 months. And when I feel ok, I feel great and happy with my life. But then it can suddenly change and i'll be crying for no reason and feel this horrible sadness and emptyness, often for a few hours until I go to sleep and I wake up and i'm fine again. I would say my crying is becoming more often, about 2-4 nights a week. I can have days where I can go with feeling happy all day, then it can suddenly change where I have nights of crying on my bed thinking bad thoughts like 'whats the point of anything anymore', and this is going to sound so bad..but sometimes I have thoughts of what would happen if I killed myself and how people would react.
I dont know why it's got worse since uni, my flatmates are nice enough and i'm good friends with 2 of them..but the rest are so close with each other and I sometimes feel so isolated..I sometimes get the feeling they dont like me. When we have flat nights out in the town, I really look forward to it mainly because I know i'm going to be drinking which seems to make me so much more happy. I feel like i've lost most motivation for my course and i'll sleep till 2-3 in the afternoon and still feel tired after it.
I dont understand why I feel like this...I have a good life, good friends at home and uni, an amazing bf, lovely family and a good place at uni. But when those nights come it's a whole different story and I feel so alone, like no one cares or understands why I feel so sad, and I hate myself for it.
I dont know if it's worth going to the doctors, but i'm too scared of what they'll say, and they wouldnt know why I feel like this anyway? I dont know if it's depression but I just want this pain to go away and be like normal people. My bf is the only one who knows and hes really kind to me, but I feel so guilty that he has to put up with my sadness and i'm worried he'll eventually get fed up with me.
Thanks if you actually read all this. I guess I just wanted to let my feelings out and any advice/experience/words of comfort would be good.
also what actually happens at the doctors? what kind of questions do they ask?