Boyfriend meeting up with his ex behind my back!

I just discovered that my boyfriend has met up with his ex, who he was with for five years, behind my back a couple of times...this makes me feel uneasy, I'm not fully sure why. Do I have a right to be annoyed? I feel like he's been dishonest- we do tend to tell each other what we're up to (not in a creepy, clingy way, we just live on the same street and know the same people...) so I feel like he's tried to conceal this from me. I probably wouldn't meet up with my ex and not tell him so it just seems odd to me.

Male perspective welcome - do I have anything to be worried about? Our relationship is generally fine, we have the odd tiff but we have been together a year and I think we are fairly strong (which is why I'm puzzled as to why he hasn't told me this...) - am I being irrational/typical crazy girl here? Gut feeling is I have no right to feel annoyed but something about it just doesn't sit right with me.

Reply 1

vicky_1234

10

Yes you do have a right to be annoyed, even if them meeting up again is entirely platonic he should have told you, if only to put your mind at ease. The fact that he didn't tell you makes it seem like he has something to hide, so you should let him know why you feel the way you do.

Reply 2

robodude789

11

well I'm guessing that if you're with someone for 5 years you are guarranteed to miss them, even though there are no feelings, I'm assuming that he felt that if he told you, that you would feel uneasy and it could cause arguments. You have a right to be angry/ concered but remember that it could most likely be completely innocent.

Reply 3

*Dreaming*

15

The point that he did it behind your back is worrying. Does he still have feelings for her do you think?

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah I think the replies so far have hit the nail on the head - I do feel like he's tried to hide it from me and if it were innocent I'd much rather he told me....hmm.

Reply 5

Rivaldo_23

Just leave him girl.I know that if you love him it is hard but do it before you lose your dignity and self esteem.So sorry about that but such things happen.Just remember that he is a boyfriend and not your husband.You will meet and love someone again don't worry.Just focus on your studies and be close to your friends.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

I mean, I'm fairly sure that he hasn't been doing anything with her but I just worry about what sort of feelings are there for her. They broke up about 18 months ago.

Reply 7

Darcy

Perhaps he has been doing it behind your back because he worries you might feel it is something more than it actually is. Yes he should have been honest rather than risk you finding out by yourself and feeling uneasy but now it is too late anyway.

Reply 8

GBateman

10

Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you'd react like this?

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by *Dreaming*

The point that he did it behind your back is worrying. Does he still have feelings for her do you think?

Perhaps - his friend told me he was devastated when they broke up, and that but for one problem (albeit rather large) in their relationship they wouldn't have broken up. I don't know if she's with anyone else yet.

Reply 10

vicky_1234

10

Have you spoken to him about it?

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Rivaldo_23

Just leave him girl.I know that if you love him it is hard but do it before you lose your dignity and self esteem.So sorry about that but such things happen.Just remember that he is a boyfriend and not your husband.You will meet and love someone again don't worry.Just focus on your studies and be close to your friends.

I'm not going to leave him...unless he still has feelings for her, which I don't know for sure. I think telling me to leave him is a tad extreme.

Reply 12

member520746

You have a right to be annoyed. It probably doesn't mean anything, but it is definitely the sort of thing you should tell your partner about.

I'm not going to leave him...unless he still has feelings for her, which I don't know for sure. I think telling me to leave him is a tad extreme.

No matter what the problem is, someone on TSR will always recommend dumping someone as the solution. They are obsessed with it here.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 13

WelshBluebird

16

Did he specifically lie to you, or was it just not mentioned?
And have they kept in contact at all, or is this out of the blue?

Only if its out of the blue and he lied to you should you be worried. Otherwise you are overreacting.

I see one of my ex's all the time, we have kept in contact and are good friends. I don't hide it from my gf or lie about it, but if she told me to stop, then I know who I would choose (and it would be my friend). When your partner starts dictating what friends you can see is when you know its time to break up IMO.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by GBateman

Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you'd react like this?

I wouldn't have though, I'm not annoyed at the meeting up so much, it's the hiding it from me which I hate. If he'd told me I would have been fine about it as it suggests that there's nothing for me to worry about. He's quite popular with the girls, gets a lot of attention, so he knows I'm not the jealous type in general.

Reply 15

karim-2811

i think that you have every right to be annoyed if he has hidden it from you and you have found out that that he is seeing her then he clearly has something to his from you!

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by vicky_1234

Have you spoken to him about it?

Just made my excuses and left to be honest, I didn't want to cause a scene without taking stock first (didn't want to look like a jealous psycho if I'm honest!). I think he knows I found out but neither of us said anything.

Reply 17

Rivaldo_23

Original post by Anonymous

I'm not going to leave him...unless he still has feelings for her, which I don't know for sure. I think telling me to leave him is a tad extreme.

Please forgive me.I didn't read your post next to mine that you don't believe there is something between them..I also don't know your boyfriend and I don't know if he loves you etc..

I didn't tell you that for bad purpose,I just told you my opinion.Sorry

Reply 18

vicky_1234

10

Original post by Anonymous

Just made my excuses and left to be honest, I didn't want to cause a scene without taking stock first (didn't want to look like a jealous psycho if I'm honest!). I think he knows I found out but neither of us said anything.

I think you really need to talk to him and find out for definite whether he doesn't have any feelings for her, or this is gonna eat away at you

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by WelshBluebird

Did he specifically lie to you, or was it just not mentioned?
And have they kept in contact at all, or is this out of the blue?

Only if its out of the blue and he lied to you should you be worried. Otherwise you are overreacting.

I see one of my ex's all the time, we have kept in contact and are good friends. I don't hide it from my gf or lie about it, but if she told me to stop, then I know who I would choose (and it would be my friend). When your partner starts dictating what friends you can see is when you know its time to break up IMO.

I'm not sure to be honest - I think they've kept in touch. I don't know if he specifically lied to me on the days he met her (written in his organiser - I was looking through it and he was sat right there - when it got to one of the pages it was written on he leapt up and drew my attention to something else in the diary but I'd already seen it...).

I don't have a problem with her seeing her, I just feel like it's something I should know about as his girlfriend and the fact he didn't tell me suggests that he's got something to hide. As I say, if I were going to meet up with any of my exes I would tell him straight away. I would never ask him to not see her, and would certainly never dictate to him. I just want him to be up front and honest with me and I don't feel he has been.

Boyfriend meeting up with his ex behind my back!

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