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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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Reply 200
Vixen, I agree with you that the wrong support network can be doubly as damaging as how much the RIGHT support network can heal; whereas a good support network of loving individuals can have you healing in no time at all, a bad support network of "policemen" for example ("what're you eating? You need to eat more than that. Let me see you eat the whole plate." etc) can cause you to even go the other way and rebel further!

Although I WILL say to you, at 1200-1300 calories you're still very much starving the body. My dietician said to me that, at lower than 1500 calories for ANY person, BMR or otherwise, your body will always be "dipping into its reserves". In what proportions, of course, will vary from person to person, but it's inevitable.
Reply 201
Although I will say, this morning I weighed myself and I am starting to really freak out now. I am 96.4lb, the heaviest I have weighed in a year and a half. Terrified, even.

My problem is my unhealthy "trick" to beat the anorexic mindset.

During the day I'll consume 900(ish) calories, then at night I'll have a couple of beers. As I'm a total lightweight, 2-3 does it for me. At this point, my tipsified state, I say "screw you anorexia. I need to heal!" and instead of having my usual supper of about 300-400 calories, I end up eating like, 3 bowls of cereal or something. I end up having consumed about 2000-2500 cals for the day, which is probably not super-devastating, but is clearly causing my daily gain.

The mad thing is, I appear now, to be gaining (consuming 2000-2500 per day) a whole pound every single day. I don't know how much of it is "real" gain and how much is water/salt, but I've sat here crying for about half an hour like a moron.
Reply 202
Original post by TotoMimo
Although I will say, this morning I weighed myself and I am starting to really freak out now. I am 96.4lb, the heaviest I have weighed in a year and a half. Terrified, even.

My problem is my unhealthy "trick" to beat the anorexic mindset.

During the day I'll consume 900(ish) calories, then at night I'll have a couple of beers. As I'm a total lightweight, 2-3 does it for me. At this point, my tipsified state, I say "screw you anorexia. I need to heal!" and instead of having my usual supper of about 300-400 calories, I end up eating like, 3 bowls of cereal or something. I end up having consumed about 2000-2500 cals for the day, which is probably not super-devastating, but is clearly causing my daily gain.

The mad thing is, I appear now, to be gaining (consuming 2000-2500 per day) a whole pound every single day. I don't know how much of it is "real" gain and how much is water/salt, but I've sat here crying for about half an hour like a moron.


Most of it probably is just water weight, but you will gain quickly anyway due to your metabolism having become lathargic. Don't worry, tell yourself over and over that you will look good and healthy with that little extra weight. It's one of the few things I do. Also don't weigh every day. One issue becomes then that your weight becomes a defined part of your day when we need to learn to simply... live with it.

Very hypocritical but...

Also, how do people here weigh? I weigh on Saturday mornings (once a week) and it drives me crazy when I eat or drink past 9 the night before. Drives my weight up like crazy the next day, and I end up going nuts not knowing my 'true' weight.

Toto, this might be one of your issues too. I find the time I consume last the night before changes my weight the next day by up to 5 pounds.

Edit; Also, I struggle finding a piece of level ground to weigh on in my house. Is my weight going to be the highest or lowest value I find?
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by TotoMimo
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Oh Tommy :hugs: I've been in a similar state this morning, sat crying it out over similar thoughts. I remember about a year ago when I was forced to go from eating pretty much nothing to "normal eating" and I gained 4kg that week. I freaked, but honestly, 70% was water weight, and without sounding too blunt, a lot of it was constipation. :colondollar: Lovely right? Sometimes it's good to cry these things out, I've just finished my mini-anxiety attack and feel somewhat "refreshed" from it.

On a side note though, whilst I was going through it I didn't want to approach my Dad about it because I feel like a burden when I do, but I felt it was necessary to talk about it so I asked for a hug and got quite a moody response which made me feel like a nuisance. :sad: "Oh God, Deanna's crying. Here we go again." I know he wouldn't think that though, but that's the automatic thought I have.


Original post by Antiaris
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I have a really REALLY embarrassing routine before I have a weigh-in... I drink a lot less before I go to get weighed, so the scales show a lower number and I feel better about myself. That, and I take a laxative the night before. :ashamed: I have NEVER shared that with anyone! It makes me feel so so shameful.
Original post by Vixen47
My advice: if you know no one's gonna listen, don't bother going to them for help.

I made this mistake by thinking that there was one little bit of hope in my family so I told them when I was suffering from anorexia (mild, restrictive) but did they believe me? No.
Even my two bestfriends were skeptical and no one understood the full concept of the situation and the dangers I was putting myself in apart from me.
I was eating 700 calories a day and although I didn't lose a significant amount of weight (hence the 'mild'), it was affecting me psychologically and emotionally.
I've brought my calorie amount up to 1200 and will eat no more than 1300 and now my sister has gone crazy, psycho-bitch and basically forces me to eat and shouts at me if I don't. Because when someone is slowly killing themselves, all they need is to be shouted at. :rolleyes:

:hugs:
Have you gone to a doctor, hun?
Original post by TotoMimo
Vixen, I agree with you that the wrong support network can be doubly as damaging as how much the RIGHT support network can heal; whereas a good support network of loving individuals can have you healing in no time at all, a bad support network of "policemen" for example ("what're you eating? You need to eat more than that. Let me see you eat the whole plate." etc) can cause you to even go the other way and rebel further!

Although I WILL say to you, at 1200-1300 calories you're still very much starving the body. My dietician said to me that, at lower than 1500 calories for ANY person, BMR or otherwise, your body will always be "dipping into its reserves". In what proportions, of course, will vary from person to person, but it's inevitable.

This really shouldn't be news to me but :eek: It always gets seriously scary when you think about it. I'll never forget being on another forum and crying about having 800 calories when my limit was much lower and everyone else crying about having way less and someone coming on and saying 'You're all upset about having less than a starvation diet. We should all be eating so much more, guys. This isn't healthy.' You really do lose perspective.
Original post by TotoMimo
Although I will say, this morning I weighed myself and I am starting to really freak out now. I am 96.4lb, the heaviest I have weighed in a year and a half. Terrified, even.

My problem is my unhealthy "trick" to beat the anorexic mindset.

During the day I'll consume 900(ish) calories, then at night I'll have a couple of beers. As I'm a total lightweight, 2-3 does it for me. At this point, my tipsified state, I say "screw you anorexia. I need to heal!" and instead of having my usual supper of about 300-400 calories, I end up eating like, 3 bowls of cereal or something. I end up having consumed about 2000-2500 cals for the day, which is probably not super-devastating, but is clearly causing my daily gain.

The mad thing is, I appear now, to be gaining (consuming 2000-2500 per day) a whole pound every single day. I don't know how much of it is "real" gain and how much is water/salt, but I've sat here crying for about half an hour like a moron.

:hugs: Most of it is probably water weight. Weighing everyday is a huge head **** because of fluid changes, constipation etc.
Original post by Antiaris
Most of it probably is just water weight, but you will gain quickly anyway due to your metabolism having become lathargic. Don't worry, tell yourself over and over that you will look good and healthy with that little extra weight. It's one of the few things I do. Also don't weigh every day. One issue becomes then that your weight becomes a defined part of your day when we need to learn to simply... live with it.

Very hypocritical but...

Also, how do people here weigh? I weigh on Saturday mornings (once a week) and it drives me crazy when I eat or drink past 9 the night before. Drives my weight up like crazy the next day, and I end up going nuts not knowing my 'true' weight.

Toto, this might be one of your issues too. I find the time I consume last the night before changes my weight the next day by up to 5 pounds.

Edit; Also, I struggle finding a piece of level ground to weigh on in my house. Is my weight going to be the highest or lowest value I find?


I get weighed by a nurse who comes round to my house. It used to be every week at around 4pm but I went crazy and ended up screaming at her after every appointment and telling her to **** off because I got weighed with my jeans, a heavy hoody, had had food and drink and even though I knew it wasn't my real weight it messed with my head. So now I get weighed every two weeks at around 9 so before I've had time to eat. It STILL messes with my head. So I weigh myself when I'm sure my weight isn't going to drive me crazy on my mum's scales in the bathroom. At least then I get as close to a true weight as possible. But I can't weigh myself until everyone's out of the house because my mum threw away my scales.
I'm still pretty crazy about it tbh, like when I weigh myself I have to take everything off including my earrings and my glasses but when my nurse weighs me, I don't bother. Does anyone else have this *thing* where you'll be fine with not weighing yourself but if someone else weighs you you HAVE to know because they can't know your weight if you don't? Well, that. I hate it though and I didn't weigh myself for weeks until ED services decided to come to my house and weigh me every week.

This is going to turn into a bit of a rant:
I've been begging to be released from ED services since I got out because they just make me worse. I don't need someone weighing me and telling me that it's fine I'm not eating enough because my 'weight is fine' and then worrying when I lose weight like that's the important thing. It's not. I don't need focus on my frigging weight, I need psychological help. They've only just put me on the waiting list for a psychologist- this is after 9 months of struggling with being out of hospital. I've been trying to find the courage to post on here for days. I think I'm back in denial. I don't see an issue with the things I'm doing, or not doing and it's really bad. I really need to find the will to fight but I don't know where it's gone. I'm finding it difficult to take it seriously because nothing happened last time. Nothing except my organs starting to fail and ending up in hospital of course but for some reason it doesn't count. :rolleyes: I don't know why I feel like I need to hit rock bottom before anything changes. Because why wait until I've lost all my friends and my prospects and everything that matters? I need to change NOW. But it doesn't seem very urgent and I'm getting scared that I'm not scared. I feel like I *say* all this stuff about recovery but I don't do it. It's still ruining my life now even though I'm not physically critical. I'll hate myself if I end up in hospital again but at the same time, I don't see it happening because my body is ridiculously hardy. I feel like I'm invincible. This is all an ED illusion and I know that. I've felt like this before. I've just been getting really freaked out the past few days because I've been feeling really manic, like unable to keep still and unable to believe that anything can go wrong. The only time I've felt like this to the extent I am now is when I was running on pure adrenaline the weeks before IP. But I haven't been eating *that* little. I LIKE the mania and that scares me too. I'm so used to feeling low that it's nice to feel high. But I need to sit down and revise and I'm sitting down to type this and I feel so guilty. I need to get out and DO something. I'm so so so confused right now.... I need to eat. I have eaten today. I eat things that 'most' people with anorexia are afraid of. I'm scared of things 'most' people with anorexia are fine with. I'm so very confused but I've missed this feeling. But I'm scared that it means I'm starving again. My BMI is at that awkward precipice where if I lose a kilo I'm back in the anorexic BMI range again. We all know how quickly things escalate. But I haven't even been trying to restrict. I'm just not very hungry. How do I eat when I'm not hungry? Must fight harder. Must eat more. CAN'T end up ill. I just hate the contradiction in my head.
:rant:
Reply 205
Diamonddust, what you've just admitted to is admirable. We learn to lie even to ourselves and tell each other how well we're getting on. "Recovering well!" we say, when our heads are in turmoil.

Admitting that you're not doing all you could do is brilliant because it shows you're not oblivious to what you need to do. Just as I know that I'm like 15.5 BMI or something which is just plain absurd, and the cure is to gain weight, yet gaining weight is the one thing that scares me silly and that I don't want (but actually DO want) but don't want (but REALLY, REALLY DOOOOO want).

Your head goes in circles.

You need to fight it and make your body better. Because like I said, healing the body is the prerequisite to healing the mind, and this is fact; this is why I continue to gain weight, even if I have to "trick" myself to do it, because at the moment, I can't even trust my own mind for fear that the ED's in there tainting my opinions...
Toto - fluid weight. When you were on your restrictive 'diet' (I mean that in the sense of your meal plan, nont that anorexia is a diet taken too far, lol) you'd depleted all your glycogen stores in your body and were 'running' off what you WERE eating and your body fat/muscle etc. As you've been eating more, you've been replenishing your glycogen stores in your muscles - each glycogen molecule 'holds' about 4 molecules of water with it - the total weight gain from merely replenishing these energy stores (NOT fat!) will be about 5lb. Cells in your body also retain excess water when they start to repair. 10lbs or so weight gain is normal, of WATER and fluid. *hugs*

DD, sorry you're struggling so hard at the moment. Your body is not invincible and it will NOT hold out forever... I don't know how many of my posts you've seen where else I know you but I've been putting my body for the exact same behaviours for YEARS now. And it's only recently I've started having medical problems, electrolyte disturbances, ECG irregularities, etc. And now it is starting to give out. All at once. I want to give you a massive hug too :frown: because you're in such a horrible place.

I am currently FREAKING THE **** OUT.
I have not puked today, I am at a big family meet-up. They had a BBQ. I had a double gin and slim, I had a small chicken breast in buffalo wing sauce, a small jacket potato and some plain cooked veg skewers with pepper, red onion and mushrooms. I ate breakfast too - 2 weetabix and semi skim milk. I have not puked. I cannot remember the last time I kept anything like this. I have had 645 calories today. I want to rip my skin off.
Reply 207
What an informative post, custard! I didn't know this was the case with regards to glycogen storage. Still, in my head, I just see numbers. Numbers on the scale, numbers on the food I eat, numbers. When the numbers go up, I get anxious, and that's the simplistic one-line answer - the ED sees no real reason. I am heavier, and that is a bad thing, and my ED tells me that, despite all other factors.

I am so proud of you for managing without a purge, custard!! Your body NEEDS nutrients!! It NEEDS medicine! You've endured such a crapload that it's been racked to hell and you don't know how it feels to let it fuel itself! Imagine letting your body fuel itself through food INSTEAD of ripping your organs to pieces just to salvage enough to stoke the fires. Imagine going a day where the food you eat preserves your liver, kidneys and heart instead of allowing them to be broken down just to keep you alive... if you could call that a life.

It's easy for me just to say it, of course, but think of the reality of it. The reality is restriction equals organ breakdown. Terrifying. But I am so proud you've taken that step. Tell me how it goes today, you'll likely need to talk about it later too m'dear.

So much respect and love! XXXXXXXXXXX
Original post by TotoMimo
Diamonddust, what you've just admitted to is admirable. We learn to lie even to ourselves and tell each other how well we're getting on. "Recovering well!" we say, when our heads are in turmoil.

Admitting that you're not doing all you could do is brilliant because it shows you're not oblivious to what you need to do. Just as I know that I'm like 15.5 BMI or something which is just plain absurd, and the cure is to gain weight, yet gaining weight is the one thing that scares me silly and that I don't want (but actually DO want) but don't want (but REALLY, REALLY DOOOOO want).

Your head goes in circles.

You need to fight it and make your body better. Because like I said, healing the body is the prerequisite to healing the mind, and this is fact; this is why I continue to gain weight, even if I have to "trick" myself to do it, because at the moment, I can't even trust my own mind for fear that the ED's in there tainting my opinions...


God are the bits in bold familiar. :hugs: It seems contradictory that you should have to gain weight before you get psychological help, doesn't it? I would have thought fixing your head would make weight gain come with it because you wouldn't have the ED mindset? Hmm. But then your brain shrinks when you restrict so I don't suppose you can get much from therapy.
Original post by *custardcream
Toto - fluid weight. When you were on your restrictive 'diet' (I mean that in the sense of your meal plan, nont that anorexia is a diet taken too far, lol) you'd depleted all your glycogen stores in your body and were 'running' off what you WERE eating and your body fat/muscle etc. As you've been eating more, you've been replenishing your glycogen stores in your muscles - each glycogen molecule 'holds' about 4 molecules of water with it - the total weight gain from merely replenishing these energy stores (NOT fat!) will be about 5lb. Cells in your body also retain excess water when they start to repair. 10lbs or so weight gain is normal, of WATER and fluid. *hugs*

DD, sorry you're struggling so hard at the moment. Your body is not invincible and it will NOT hold out forever... I don't know how many of my posts you've seen where else I know you but I've been putting my body for the exact same behaviours for YEARS now. And it's only recently I've started having medical problems, electrolyte disturbances, ECG irregularities, etc. And now it is starting to give out. All at once. I want to give you a massive hug too :frown: because you're in such a horrible place.

I am currently FREAKING THE **** OUT.
I have not puked today, I am at a big family meet-up. They had a BBQ. I had a double gin and slim, I had a small chicken breast in buffalo wing sauce, a small jacket potato and some plain cooked veg skewers with pepper, red onion and mushrooms. I ate breakfast too - 2 weetabix and semi skim milk. I have not puked. I cannot remember the last time I kept anything like this. I have had 645 calories today. I want to rip my skin off.

:hugs: You're just... :hugs: I'm seriously in awe of you and Toto and everyone else on here. You're all so strong and amazing.
I'm so proud of you for not purging hun. I'm not going to tell you you didn't eat much (even though you really haven't!) or that it will repair your body or any of the stuff I know you know. It's far too rational for when you feel like that. You can have the biggest :jumphug: and :console: from me in a replacement for my inability to actually be comforting and make that ***** feeling go away. :hugs:
I sort of came across your posts on the way to make mine so I do know a little bit. :sad: It scares me so much that things happen so suddenly. It's true though, like even when I was restricting like a mofo for months and getting blood tests every week and losing weight really fast, nothing happened for ages and I thought I was fine and then suddenly EVERYTHING happened. You'd think you'd learn from that... :rolleyes:
Stupid irrational ED.
I can't concentrate on revision so I'm going to see if there's anything in the house I can eat that won't freak me out. If I can't see the long term, I should at least eat for the short term. My exams. It's so damn hard but we can help each other?
:hugs:

Toto: Yeah, I seem to remember someone else saying that their dietician said: 'Why would your body make fat when the first thing it needs to do is repair your cells and your organs?' Our bodies are just trying to keep us alive, really.
Original post by diamonddust
I don't need someone weighing me and telling me that it's fine I'm not eating enough because my 'weight is fine' and then worrying when I lose weight like that's the important thing. It's not. I don't need focus on my frigging weight, I need psychological help.


(Sorry if I'm quoting people too much, I don't want to clog up the thread with my posts but I love the support that goes around here. :redface:)

You're SO switched on, I've been lucky with my treatment team but the majority of stories I hear it's the same - there is a stupid amount of emphasis on weight and not the psychological side of an ED. What's really annoying is that same opinion seems to transfer to society leading the majority of people to think everyone with an eating disorder is underweight. It doesn't do any good for those who are at a healthy weight trying to maintain recovery and cope with negative thoughts..

Sorry for the mini-rant, my point is that you know better than your nurse and maybe chasing up your referral will speed things along even further? It shouldn't take you collapsing from your low food intake to make the doctors hurry up and give you the help you deserve! :sad: You deserve so much better than that. :hugs:
i am developing an eating disorders. it's starting off with the wish to lose weight but i also suffer from bulimia where i binge then feel self-loathe afterward. i hate it. i hate looking pregnant. i need to not eat. don't act. but i am smart enough to ensure i am healthier after. argh it;s hard.
I am just sick to death of food. But it's allso my ''habit'' but it's like a love hate relationship. I KNOW i hate the effects eating massive portions has on my body and self esteem yet something inside me says eat more eat it all. wtf? it's annoying. and im putting a stop to it. well i want to in my head but also in that same head theres another voice saying eat so it's a constant conflict and i hate it. i have gone days without eating but nothing long term so no long term weight loss like anorexics but i so want to and i know that sounds silly but when you binge like me it;s just how it is and i wanna lose the fat.

when people say theyve always had an issue wirth their weight well ive always had an issue with food lol. im not obese but nor am i skinny. but i want ot put the comofrt eating days behind me. yet today i ate a massive indian takeout and so much chocolate full of calories knowing after i wudnt be happy but i cudnt stop.

another thing i find is because i loved my food and literally mum said my face would light up in presenceof favourite takeout that i find myself EATING AROUND OTHERS just to PLEASE THEM! cos it's like they expect it from me. and i hate the constant ;'do you want anything ot eat;. it's like they can't take my answerif i say no because then theyl get suspicious and im a very private person. so next time il jjust say 'no im alright thanks'':s-smilie: gosh it's a nightmare as i said as they expect me to eat. and right now i want to go downstairs and eat more of those nuts. see. i'm a nightmare and i am not eating anything tomorrow. yet now that ive said thtta the voice is going to make me eat something. i have schizo hahahahaha. no but the main goal is to get to my main ideal weight and get my figure back and be the real me not this horrid size 10-12 which isn't me. why should mum and cousin be skinny but not me? it's like im not ALLOWED to be me or skinnier because THEY ARE. does anyone understand?:frown:
also ive never ever purged wantedd to tried but im too scared to and so not that type even though id love to but im too scared of the effects itl have omn my heart which is good the sounds and noises and as i said i think my reflex isnt as sensitive enough so never done that and succeeded
im sick of family controlling me or at least me perceiving them to be and hence my binging to PLEASE THEM show them i'm eating. otherwise they think somethings up. it's a horrid cycle and all in my head but mother also buys my favourite foods knowing i wont be able to resist. i just binge on everything. i hate my body and my self
Reply 214
First; Calm down. You don't seem to have your head screwed into the right place at the moment. Take a moment to collect yourself AND BREATHE.

Then THINK. Do you want to end up like all of the cases on this forum, where hospitalisation is needed? I'm guessing not. Meditate. Think of other things. Don't starve yourself tomorrow, just make sure that you are feeling calm and collected before you eat anything. Starving yourself will just lead to negative feelings later on when you NEED to eat something.

Have a decent breakfast, something filling with eggs or something like porridge. Add fruit if you like, but keep the filling base to the meal.

With the purging thing. I have been there, it ain't easy. Do something that will distract your mind, that absorbs you. Personally I draw or paint.


Now, the difficult one. Stopping eating. I'm not talking about stopping yourself eating all together, but stopping yourself going past that 'point.' One way is trying to mediate your leptin levels.

Leptin is the fullness hormone, that says enough when you are eating. It is a slow chemical to act, so chew your food thoroughly. When you put food in your mouth CONCENTRATE on the flavour. Take the food apart in your mouth and analyze the sweet, the sour, the bitter, the savoury, the salty. When I eat chocolate I just take one square, bite once, then let the chocolate melt on my tongue. I then savour it all. I go for dark (85%) due to it's deeper flavour.

If you still want to starve, let me tell you something. I currently need to have a coffee or a tea before I eat dark chocolate because my average body temperature isn't high enough to melt the chocolate. An issue brought on by the ED. Please, enjoy your food.





Also don't blame your mother, she does not know. Tell yourself what YOU are in control of (your emotions, your voice, etc).
Reply 215
I'm going to assume all the posts by Anonymous are the same person; in which case, Antiaris is right on the button. Calm down. Stop freaking out and just take a breath; this is important.

As Eating Disorder sufferers, we are all just different sides of the same coin. Whether or not we eat to excess or restrict heavily, our obsession with food is damaging to the point where the rest of our lives suffer incredibly. Antiaris is right about the "hobby" thing; you need to do something to take your mind off food and eating. Read more. Illustration, movies, videogames; if you HAVE to be consuming and filling your tum whilst doing this things, why not drink some tea, flavoured water or diet fizzy pop (although the latter isn't necessarily the BEST thing for you it'll fill you up quick-style without hurting the waistline).

You've addressed the issue and know the problem; now you cannot pass the buck, place the blame or throw the issue elsewhere. Take the bull by the horns and fight your ED head on, Anon! We'll be here for you when you need that support. xxx
Reply 216
With regards to my scenario, my own waistline continues to expand and any definition I once had in my stomach has now gone entirely, although, just as custardcream had predicted, as quickly as I'd gained all that weight, it appeared to disappear overnight as the scales now read 94.8lb (from 96.4). I ate my allocated 2000 yesterday as per my meal plan, as I have done for the past week. Inexplicably, the daily readings have been, first thing in the morning after the loo, and in the nudey-noo:

93.8lb, 94.8lb, 95.4lb, 96.4lb, and today, 94.8lb.

It's been a constant increase and then a little dip. I'm not sure how to take it; my ED is loving it, but my rational and real side is telling me that I'm hoping it's just another water fluctuation and that I'm not due for another weight drop. Two conflicting, highly contrasting views to send my head into a mental tornado.
Reply 217
Toto, good for going strong yesterday!

Maybe... I know this is an odd thing to say, but maybe don't listen to the happy side? We all seem to get a 'secret satisfaction' from losing weight but because it's a good feeling we just let it in. I think part of getting past an ED should be pushing out this satisfaction too.

Strange that it's only now that it's dawned. @__@'

Toto, wondering, what do you distract yourself with?
Reply 218
Antiaris, it's bizarre because we know what we have to do, we just... can't do it! It's mad how we sit and beat ourselves up in the supermarket looking at the amazing item we want for dinner, and pick it up, look at it, put it down... "hmm, that'd be amazing to have, perpetuating my recovery."

Then you say "I'll just get my salads and stuff for today, but tomorrow I'm totally buying that."

Then that "tomorrow" doesn't come, and you do the same thing again. You lie so well to yourself. However what I WILL say is that I'm genuinely getting concerned at how flabby-feeling my stomach is. I know at like 5'7 and 95lb I can't have that much in the way of actual "flab" but I used to have some definition in my stomach (through stupid amounts of situps) but now since being forbidden to do those, it just feels like blubbage. Another thing that killed me is that someone in my mum's work said "I heard you gained 2 or three pounds!! Congratulations!" To which I replied "Thank you so much! I'm trying hard. It's maybe even just a bit more than three pounds actually!" - she then said "Aye, you can see it in your face. You look great."

That was a compliment, of course, but I broke down in tears in the toilet like a buffoon. It's amazing how simple things trigger you off. But I WILL say that either the numbers on the scale appear to lie, either that or my body dysmorphia is getting even worse. I definitely appear bigger to myself despite a minimal gain (3ish pounds).

Anyway, to answer your question - I'm a UI Artist by profession (I work for the videogame company Ubisoft) so game development and illustration are absolutely my passion. Whilst I've been at my most ill I've obviously had a bunch of time off, and in this time I've actually been working on a little iPhone game. It helps me take my mind off things, even if for a few hours a day, and it's liberating to not fret so hard about food for a few hours.
This disease has really perfected my art of being a deceptive little bitch, I have always been the one to be so truthful to people since I value honesty but this, this just contradicts everything. I am sick of it all but at the same time I do not want help since I am so terrified, so terrified of losing the control and so terrified of reverting back to that obese disgusting person that I once was even though I still see that person now it doesn't make sense. I have locked myself away today because I broke down after seeing myself in the mirror, I am disgusting, I am hideous, I cannot simply let people look at this face or this body they would be revolted, I am revolting... the urge to cut myself is growing and I am trying so desperately to stop but I don't know how to handle these feelings especially when I numb any emotion down.

You guys are all so strong and I wish I could be a fraction as strong as you but I'm not.... and Toto it's reassuring to see someone else who suffers from an ED and BDD, it's such a vicious cycle.

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