Wow Toto...
I had absolutely no idea, yet now it all seems to make sense. The way you are so articulate when writing about food, when it's all because of how much you analyse and think about every bite you eat. I don't mean that to sound nasty in any way.
I don't have an eating disorder, but I have been close, or rather, close to having disordered eating. Which is basically an eating disorder without it being as bad.
It all started when I was getting bullied for being fat. I now know that with a BMI of 26, I was hardly huge!
I would exercise every night in secret in my bedroom, while writing out meal plans for the next couple of days. Nothing ever worked because I have so little willpower (probably a good thing) that I never stuck to any routine for long.
There were days when I would eat at least two chocolate bars on my way to school, and days where I would eat literally nothing.
I then joined WW with my mum. The doctor ok'd it as I was only 15 at the time. Everyone told me I didn't need to lose any weight but I refused to listen to them.
I rapidly lost almost two stone, then plateaud at 10 stone. When I look back now, even that was too small for my frame. I have really wide hips (and it is actually my hips not just fat) and super broad shoulders from gymnastics and swimming while growing up. But I was convinced I needed to lose at least a stone more. Never mind the fact I was wearing a size 8-10, and my head looked like a lollipop.
I began completely restricting what I ate on WW. You can eat anything as long as you count it, but I was filling up on cucumber and cottage cheese, tomatoes and "free" soup and stews. These basically consisted of as many vegetables that I could fit in a pan. I was practically doing the crash cabbage soup diet, while on a "healthy" plan like WW.
I struggled to lose anymore weight and after putting on some weight over Christmas that year I gave up.
Over the 5 years since I gave up i have gained 5 stone. I have lost stones, but put them on again. I yoyo so badly.
I had a gym membership and went as often as possible and stayed as long as possible. I lost over a stone quite quickly, then put on two.
Over the last two days I have eaten a 400g bar of chocolate almost entirely to myself. And almost no additional food. And I doubt I will, because some days it's all about the calories not the content.
I've tried so many crash diets and given up, I've tried a liquid only diet even.
But again and again, no matter how much I hate my body, I cannot lose weight consistently. It's like I'm punishing myself for some reason.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself subconsciously because I wanted to take it too far all those years ago.
I look at myself and feel sick at my reflection, but I sit and pig out on crap...
Some days I can barely hit 300-400 calories in food, then I'll ruin it all by eating crap. Ruin? What a strange choice of word given I know how bad that few calories in a day is...