Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

If it is any consolation, you never asked for this to happen to you. Yes, you can't blame any one else but you also cant' blame yourself. Beating yourself up over this is definitely not going to help you. I am sorry that things have been going downhill and I wish there is more I could do apart from listen and empathise with you. If you get an E (which I hope you don't), you don't have to write it down on any forms later on in life but at least if you take it you have a chance. You will only regret it otherwise. Either way, you are NOT a failure and this is NOT your fault. Please always remember this!!!!
xx

awh thanks yeah i'll try not to be too hard on myself when results come tbh, its just annoying to think yano maybe i could have done better if things were different, i think i'm going to wake up at 5ish tmz or something and go through my english quotes because tomorrow is another day and maybe i'll feel more positive tomorrow.

as for the BMI thing - i know i know its frustrating when you get told yours makes you unhealthy when you see different, i think there is too much of a focus on BMI because obviously it has its problems like when people are muscular... but i think that its more your bmi should be something and sometimes it tells muscular people they are unhealthy or overweight or w/e because they are heavy eventhough its all muscle and they are actually very healthy. hypocritical i know because i will never take other peoples advice when it comes to altering my weight - but don't assume there wrong at least hear them out even if you completely disagree, because ultimately they do want whats best for you

Ha, I love how we are both able to give each other advice yet, I know that I do this anyway (you may not), I refuse to take on board the advice I would give out It is great to know that you are there and willing to support.
I hope you are a morning person- personally the thought of waking up at 5 in the morning to learn some quotes does not entice me in the slightest but I am glad you can be positive about it. I hope your outlook will also be different tomorrow. Please please try and eat. Even if for me and not for you- it will make me proud Best of luck!!!! xx

Don't be silly, it didn't come across that way at all! I'm just awed by your resilience and the way you just refuse to give up! And majorly impressed by you doing 2 full A levels in a year! I just finished one intensive A level and I'm exhausted. I hope you get where you want to be! And yay to being in the English Lit club!
I can really identify with the over achieving and under achieving thing. It still gets me down when I look at my GCSE and AS level grades because I was meant to get much better grades than I managed. Aw well. I think what annoys me about this illness is my concentration is so bad I've gone from reading a book a day to a book every 4 months.
How are you doing now?

get weighed tomorrow
feel like crap.

Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.

xx

**** **** **** ****

My mum just got home, I went downstairs to tell her that I don't need dinner because I had my sushi mini box thing, but I would still cook for her and my brother if she wanted... she just ignored me and went to the freezer and started pulling out all these different boxes of food, like two boxes of fishcakes and veggie burgers. I said 'what are you doing, you can't eat all those' and she was like 'yes you are and we can, they need eating up' and I kept saying 'we can't eat all of that food' until she turned round and yelled that I was ****ing pathetic and slapped me.

I know she's stressed because of some crap that's going on at work but seriously, she knows I did really badly in my exam today and I'm really worried about the one tomorrow as well, I appreciate she doesn't understand my ED properly but why does she think now is a good time to start force-feeding me?! I just left her to it and now I can hear her putting it all in the oven and I'm not going to lie, I am ****ing terrified, she's going to make me eat it and then I'm not going to be able to throw it up because she's not going out tonight and I'm going to spend all tonight worrying about that instead of revising and I won't be able to sleep because I'll have eaten and I'm going to fail my ****ing English exam and I just don't know what to do.

Really, really don't want to be conscious right now.

awh thankyouu, alright i promise to try and eat tomorrow

and yeah i know advice is so much easier to give than receive, not particularly a morning person lol but with caffeine i'm sure its do-able, well it will have to be unless i work through the night because i have not done nearly enough work today well any in fact :/

my skin is ****eddddd my face is all blotchy and my lips are all sore and its just gross

Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.

Oh My gossshhh!! You really really scared me. Firstly, I am mega sorry to hear about that- that is really awful news. Secondly, although it shouldn't have taken this, thanks for the wake up call. I hope it gave you as a big a one as it gave me!!!!!
I really hope things start improving for you and I must say as I haven't had the opportunity to say it yet, I really appreciate you starting this post- it has really really helped me!!! You really are quite admirable!

Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...

Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...

x