TSR Christian Society

I was talking to our mutual friend about you the other day

Hi guys I just wanted a bit of advice from you all.

I'm wandering what I should do because there is someone in my life at the moment who has repeatedly hurt my feelings to the point where my happiness is suffering. It's gone on for almost two years, this person "claims" to care about me and always says the right things to my face but behind my back I feel that it is a different story. I've heard a couple of things that this person has said behind my back to other people and it doesnt correlate with that they have been saying to me....so either they are lying to me or to other people.

I've prayed over it but I'm just not sure whether I should tell the person how I have been feeling or keep quiet and give them another chance. The problem is I have kept quiet for so long that the person has managed to get away with a lot of things. I'm confused as to whether they really care about me and even though we are both Christians this person hasn't been very respectful towards me or my feelings.

What do you think I should do? I don't want to stir up trouble but I am miserable and just want to get on with the life God has given me.

Hi guys I just wanted a bit of advice from you all.

I'm wandering what I should do because there is someone in my life at the moment who has repeatedly hurt my feelings to the point where my happiness is suffering. It's gone on for almost two years, this person "claims" to care about me and always says the right things to my face but behind my back I feel that it is a different story. I've heard a couple of things that this person has said behind my back to other people and it doesnt correlate with that they have been saying to me....so either they are lying to me or to other people.

I've prayed over it but I'm just not sure whether I should tell the person how I have been feeling or keep quiet and give them another chance. The problem is I have kept quiet for so long that the person has managed to get away with a lot of things. I'm confused as to whether they really care about me and even though we are both Christians this person hasn't been very respectful towards me or my feelings.

What do you think I should do? I don't want to stir up trouble but I am miserable and just want to get on with the life God has given me.

Like TLG says, bring it up but non-confrontationally. Just say to them that you've found some of the things they've said/done rather hurtful...they may not realise how it's affected you or even have thought of the consequences of their own actions.
If they stop acting like that, then that's great, if not, then perhaps it's time to become less close to that person?

I'd bring it up with them but not in a hot-headed, confrontational way. You deserve answers

Thanks...I suppose it is common sense to bring it up but I'm just scared of their reaction and I have a feeling that confronting them wont do any good...its hard because, (I know I shouldnt judge them because we are all full of sin) they claim to care for me and to be a Christian but I don't understand why they would deliberately and continuously hurt me and be able to look me in the eyes knowing what they have done. It's like they don't have a conscience

It's hard to say exactly what you should do without knowing details, but I'd also say we shouldn't back away from pointing out sin in the lives of others that we care about. There are things which tell us to be sort out the sin in our own lives before picking fault with others, but that's more teaching us not to look down on others for their faults, but to look at ourselves first and sort ourselves out. So I don't think that's relevant in this case.

You do seem to care for the person and so any talking you'd do with them about this would be out of love for them and wanting to get things right, not only so the relationship between the two of you is OK, but that this person is able to deal with the sin in their life (which they may not even realise they have).

Matthew 18:15-17 says:

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.


Basically, don't shy away from helping someone identify sin in their life - do it to help them. But do it between the two of you first, so speak to your friend about the issue and try and sort it just between the two of you. If that doesn't work, and if it's appropriate, start to involve other people you both know to help them - but be open with your friend and say that you're going to try and involve some else. The thing to be careful here is that you certainly do things to help your friend, rather than make them feel bad and that is done most lovingly if you don't try to shame them or spread their sinful actions around so others know. So do as Jesus said here in Matthew and sort it between yourselves first, or then between a small group. An illustration of what not do here is in Genesis 9 where the first thing Ham did when he saw Noah's drunkeness and sin was not to help him, but to go tell others who knew Noah about the problems, shaming Noah further.

Hope you manage to get things sorted out easily and your friend listens to what you have to say. You need to speak them as much for their sake as your own

Don't worry about it - I'm sure everyone here would agree with me that we are here to answer any questions that you might have.

I haven't been on such a retreat, as such, but I have helped out with various youth retreats at my church/bible college in York.
What questions do you have, we'll do our best to answer them!

I haven't yet but I will have done by this time next month. I'll most probably post in here once I'm back about my experiences, so that could be helpful to you, I hope

Just drawing your attention to FCB's post - those questions are ideal to be posted here as they are not inflammatory/discussion of God's existence (you get what I mean) type questions. If you wish, you might have more luck posting the actual questions, as though I haven't been on 'retreat' as such, I have been on weekends away with people from church/the Christian union at university and there could be some overlap. Hope you get your answers, and please don't feel you've invaded on our space... if you flick back a few pages you'll see a lengthy discussion about facebook stalking

I've been on several, and would be happy to answer any questions! As someone else said, if you actually post them in the thread you'll probably get lots more answers, but do feel free to PM if you'd rather do it that way. : )

I've been to various retreats, ask away.

Thank you, that was REALLY helpful. I suppose it is worth bringing up because their behaviour is potentially destructive too any other relationships they may have. I don't think I will involve other people but the person in question does not listen to me then it will mean that our relationship will have to come to an end because I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore. I realise that I have many faults myself which I want to work on but if this continues I'm affraid it will make me a worse person and I don't want that.

We had an amazing sermon on conflict resolution, rather than botch trying to explain it, If you click here and scroll to March 27th (by Greg Sharples) that's really, really worth a listen. I ended up talking to someone who'd said something to upset me and we're closer friends than we would be if I hadn't!

I agree with what other people have said though, you do need to talk to this person!

Oh wow thank you soooooooooooooo very much for this. It's REALLY helped, I can completely apply this to my situation, especially the constipation/ diarrhoea analogy . I've held it in for SO long and I just end up talking to people about it and I feel bad, I was under the illusion that it was the right "Christian" thing not to bring things up and that it would all blow over but its been a year and things haven't improved. I've realise that it is worse to bottle it up and talk about it to other people. Things can only change if things are brought up.

Thanks everyone for your help and advice, God Bless

You'd be a great politician. So just to clarify, you (generally) think it's morally acceptable but wouldn't do it because it's illegal - or have I got that wrong?

I can see that his intentions are good, but to be honest, what he's doing seems very divisive, and borderline offensive to Christians who think differently. It seems really counter-intuitive to lump everything he does under the blanket label 'homophobia', as if hate crimes and thinking homosexual activity is immoral are the same thing. If people stopped being so polarising, I think we'd be more likely to have a church united behind the discrimination we can all condemn: the treating of homosexuals as anything less than God's beloved children.

I think my first name was the most common name in the year I was born, so it wouldn't really help anyone!

I actually found out a surprising amount about you, I had to stop because I felt like a stalker

Also, we have a mutual friend!

Same, I'm terrible at facebook stalking...

I think I would have been reasonably anonymous, at least, had I not given out my name.

I've just realised how many traces there are of me on the internet. If you type in 'Debbie (my surname) Glasgow' the first result is my twitter, the second is a wikipedia page I'm mentioned on, then there's a TSR post, then a uni society website I'm on. A gift to stalkers!

Inbox me then (with who yu think I am!)



Inbox me when you've got me then!

This is excellent, and is exactly what I've been thinking about a lot of the propaganda from both sides of the debate for months (but phrased better ). A friend posted this on facebook earlier: http://repenting.wordpress.com/2011/06/26/day-11-crumbs-from-the-table/ and I just found it so frustrating



Do we?



I had kinda guessed it was you



You also have a link to your Facebook page on your TSR profile 2 mutual friends!

Do I? I'd forgotten about that, that would explain the ease of stalking.
And ooh, who are they? Wait, I'll stalk you back and see if I can find out. Might as well be productive with my insomnia!

Edit to add - Found you! Interesting mutual friends there - slightly intrigued as to how you know them.

One goes to Malmesbury Abbey which is where my Uncle and Aunt worship; they ran a summer camp I went on and mutual friend was a leader there with me.
As for the second... at the Birmingham release party for Shane Claiborne's Common Prayer book! It was only when my friend and I got there (travelling from London and Cardiff) that we realised the release party was a very small affair with about 8 people and definitely not something you'd typically go from London/Cardiff to Birmingham for. We looked a bit overly keen

Awesome! For me, the first is the son of the best man at my parent's wedding, and as we're about two weeks apart age wise I've known him most of my life! Haven't seen him for a while, but we used to have family get togethers occasionally. I seem to remember him sleeping on the floor of my room when we were about 8. I doubt he remembers any of that though.
The second I know through Birmingham diocese type things - I was on a committee with him, and he lives about five minutes away from me!

Small world.

You don't happen to go to B1 Church, do you?