Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by squiff93
awh thanks 
i've been eating a hell of a lot better recently the voice is either getting weaker or more sensible.
had an appointment with the nurse today and it went pretty well - made me realise how much easier life is when i'm a bit more laid back, although i avoided going up to the blood test room for the third time in a row so next time i go i'm going to get SLAUGHTERED by the doctor
which i deserve a little bit but i just hate them and i'm so worried about it because they always through up some kind of problem.
i've been eating a hell of a lot better recently the voice is either getting weaker or more sensible. had an appointment with the nurse today and it went pretty well - made me realise how much easier life is when i'm a bit more laid back, although i avoided going up to the blood test room for the third time in a row so next time i go i'm going to get SLAUGHTERED by the doctor
which i deserve a little bit but i just hate them and i'm so worried about it because they always through up some kind of problem.XD. Blood tests don't hurt, or atlest don't hurt me. getting blood pressure done hurts like a mofo though. :/ Surely its better for you to get it done and it say 'Oh dear, squiffy is missing a toe' then they can fix it? Than wander around without this toe and then you end up really,really poorly because this toe is missing?
I might end up having ****loads of blood tests done the next time dad drags me to the doctors
cos i'm starting to bruise really easily again & not remember how I've done it. And when i get a bruise, its stays for a good 4-5 weeks or so.Hope you get the A2 results you need
Original post by .snowflake.
XD. Blood tests don't hurt, or atlest don't hurt me. getting blood pressure done hurts like a mofo though. :/ Surely its better for you to get it done and it say 'Oh dear, squiffy is missing a toe' then they can fix it? Than wander around without this toe and then you end up really,really poorly because this toe is missing?
I might end up having ****loads of blood tests done the next time dad drags me to the doctors cos i'm starting to bruise really easily again & not remember how I've done it. And when i get a bruise, its stays for a good 4-5 weeks or so.
Hope you get the A2 results you need
I might end up having ****loads of blood tests done the next time dad drags me to the doctors
cos i'm starting to bruise really easily again & not remember how I've done it. And when i get a bruise, its stays for a good 4-5 weeks or so.Hope you get the A2 results you need
ah thanks i hope you get good AS results!
and awh that isn't good i'll get mine when you get yours
i feel like if i carry on eating right my periods will beome regular again anyways so i don't need their help on that and at the time i got asked to take the blood test i was being sick all the time which thankfully now i'm not so any problems should have sorted themselves out, right ?
Original post by squiff93
ah thanks i hope you get good AS results!
and awh that isn't good i'll get mine when you get yours
i feel like if i carry on eating right my periods will beome regular again anyways so i don't need their help on that and at the time i got asked to take the blood test i was being sick all the time which thankfully now i'm not so any problems should have sorted themselves out, right ?
and awh that isn't good i'll get mine when you get yours
i feel like if i carry on eating right my periods will beome regular again anyways so i don't need their help on that and at the time i got asked to take the blood test i was being sick all the time which thankfully now i'm not so any problems should have sorted themselves out, right ?
Squiffy, I'd still let them take your blood just to double check.
I don't think I should google health problems.
''What are some less common causes of bruising, and what do they indicate?
The terminology describing different types of bruising often refers to not only their appearance but also to their cause. Petechiae refer to very small, 1- to 3-millimeter accumulations of blood beneath the skin. These can appear like multiple tiny red dots on any part of the body (most commonly the legs). Most often these are multiple, and they can suggest that there is serious health problem present. Examples of these are an infection of the valves of the heart (endocarditis) or abnormal function of the blood-clotting elements (platelets). Bruising around the navel (belly button) can be a result of bleeding within the abdomen. Bruising behind the ear (Battle's sign) can indicate that there is a skull fracture. Lastly, bruises that are raised, firm, multiple, and occur without any injury can be a sign of various types of "autoimmune" diseases (diseases in which the body attacks its own blood vessels). Each of these should be evaluated by a health-care practitioner.''
Fantastic. I'm going to die.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by .snowflake.
Squiffy, I'd still let them take your blood just to double check.
I don't think I should google health problems.
''What are some less common causes of bruising, and what do they indicate?
The terminology describing different types of bruising often refers to not only their appearance but also to their cause. Petechiae refer to very small, 1- to 3-millimeter accumulations of blood beneath the skin. These can appear like multiple tiny red dots on any part of the body (most commonly the legs). Most often these are multiple, and they can suggest that there is serious health problem present. Examples of these are an infection of the valves of the heart (endocarditis) or abnormal function of the blood-clotting elements (platelets). Bruising around the navel (belly button) can be a result of bleeding within the abdomen. Bruising behind the ear (Battle's sign) can indicate that there is a skull fracture. Lastly, bruises that are raised, firm, multiple, and occur without any injury can be a sign of various types of "autoimmune" diseases (diseases in which the body attacks its own blood vessels). Each of these should be evaluated by a health-care practitioner.''
Fantastic. I'm going to die.
I don't think I should google health problems.
''What are some less common causes of bruising, and what do they indicate?
The terminology describing different types of bruising often refers to not only their appearance but also to their cause. Petechiae refer to very small, 1- to 3-millimeter accumulations of blood beneath the skin. These can appear like multiple tiny red dots on any part of the body (most commonly the legs). Most often these are multiple, and they can suggest that there is serious health problem present. Examples of these are an infection of the valves of the heart (endocarditis) or abnormal function of the blood-clotting elements (platelets). Bruising around the navel (belly button) can be a result of bleeding within the abdomen. Bruising behind the ear (Battle's sign) can indicate that there is a skull fracture. Lastly, bruises that are raised, firm, multiple, and occur without any injury can be a sign of various types of "autoimmune" diseases (diseases in which the body attacks its own blood vessels). Each of these should be evaluated by a health-care practitioner.''
Fantastic. I'm going to die.
might sound hypocritical but i think you should go ASAP to the doctor and get the blood test, surely it's better than worrying over what it could be. If it's serious the doctor can help you find a way to get better and if it's okay it'll give you peace of mind, win win.
i hope your okay!!
your to lovely to be ill Original post by squiff93
might sound hypocritical but i think you should go ASAP to the doctor and get the blood test, surely it's better than worrying over what it could be. If it's serious the doctor can help you find a way to get better and if it's okay it'll give you peace of mind, win win.
i hope your okay!! your to lovely to be ill
i hope your okay!!
your to lovely to be ill I'm alright, apart from bruising really easily, and getting myself in a tizzy over AS results.
Occam's Razor - "The simplest solution is often the correct one."
I say this as I used to freak myself out rotten when I found out that my weird pee colour is a symptom of cancer of the liver and I'd convinced myself I had a terminal illness when in reality my ED had just kicked the **** out of my immune system and I had a kidney infection... again.
Our minds play tricks with us and especially with an ED we tend to try to divert our minds from the real issues; burying our head in the sand from the ED and making up new forefront issues.
I for example, have (much like our Squiffy here) been in recovery and have developed something of a dependence on alcohol to dumb my anxieties down enough to tell myself to eat. The unfortunate aspect of this is that it gets to late in the night, I've had a couple of beers, then go nuts and have two huge bowls of cereal instead of eating more frequent, proper meals throughout the day.
Whether the crutches are physical or mental, we build them for ourselves... as coping mechanisms, as mental diversions, as a means to shield our mind from the problems at hand and give new focus.
I say this as I used to freak myself out rotten when I found out that my weird pee colour is a symptom of cancer of the liver and I'd convinced myself I had a terminal illness when in reality my ED had just kicked the **** out of my immune system and I had a kidney infection... again.
Our minds play tricks with us and especially with an ED we tend to try to divert our minds from the real issues; burying our head in the sand from the ED and making up new forefront issues.
I for example, have (much like our Squiffy here) been in recovery and have developed something of a dependence on alcohol to dumb my anxieties down enough to tell myself to eat. The unfortunate aspect of this is that it gets to late in the night, I've had a couple of beers, then go nuts and have two huge bowls of cereal instead of eating more frequent, proper meals throughout the day.
Whether the crutches are physical or mental, we build them for ourselves... as coping mechanisms, as mental diversions, as a means to shield our mind from the problems at hand and give new focus.
isn't bruising easily more commonly a sign of anaemia? tis more likely anyway.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
Original post by *custardcream
isn't bruising easily more commonly a sign of anaemia? tis more likely anyway.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
I'm so pleased to hear this! Take care hun! Original post by .snowflake.
I'm alright, apart from bruising really easily, and getting myself in a tizzy over AS results.
I'm panicking about results too. As for the bruising, it's a (unfortunately) common side effect of AN and as Custard said, is probably due to anaemia.Original post by *custardcream
isn't bruising easily more commonly a sign of anaemia? tis more likely anyway.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
Wooo
so glad you've kept at it, that's awesome. Hope you're well in yourself 
Original post by *custardcream
isn't bruising easily more commonly a sign of anaemia? tis more likely anyway.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
not been here for a while but all is squiffy here. i've deferred uni til 2012 and am staying in the fat farm (which has so far successfully fattened me up to 45.4kg/100lbs/7st 2/BMI 16.7 (admission weight 35.1kg/74lbs/5st 7/BMI 12.7 and low weight 33.7kg/74lbs/5st 4 BMI 12.2). still on the full 3000+ meal plan and will be for a while longer; once i get to target (BMI 19-20ish most likely) i'll be maintaining here for a few months learning how to manage by myself and receiving more therapy etc.
i've not thrown up in 11 weeks now.
CUSTARD. YOU'RE ALIVE!!! Missed you loads. Very pleased that you've kept telling the voice that 'You've come to kick your ass and drink milk, and I've finished my milk...
Original post by diamonddust I'm panicking about results too. As for the bruising, it's a (unfortunately) common side effect of AN and as Custard said, is probably due to anaemia.
I'm panicking about results too. As for the bruising, it's a (unfortunately) common side effect of AN and as Custard said, is probably due to anaemia.Out of AN and anemia being the cause, its much more likely to be anemia, as I've not deliberately restricted in over a year. Well, apart from a few hiccups.
(edited 12 years ago)
does anyone think that lightheaded-ness and getting "headrush" a lot is because of restricting?
I keep getting it, whenever I stand up now I get head rush and sometimes end up feeling a bit dazy/faint/light headed out of nowhere.
I keep getting it, whenever I stand up now I get head rush and sometimes end up feeling a bit dazy/faint/light headed out of nowhere.
Original post by Anonymous
does anyone think that lightheaded-ness and getting "headrush" a lot is because of restricting?
I keep getting it, whenever I stand up now I get head rush and sometimes end up feeling a bit dazy/faint/light headed out of nowhere.
I keep getting it, whenever I stand up now I get head rush and sometimes end up feeling a bit dazy/faint/light headed out of nowhere.
I'd like to know this too. It's frickin' annoying. I thought to myself it's probably low blood pressure.
Yup, anon. As your body gets weaker you begin to lose balance, concentration and focus and get very dizzy a lot until fainting begins.
Man, if there's one thing I do NOT miss about being at danger-weight, it's the fainting.
Being a man in his mid-twenties it's hardly a burly trait to have...
Man, if there's one thing I do NOT miss about being at danger-weight, it's the fainting.
Being a man in his mid-twenties it's hardly a burly trait to have...
Original post by TotoMimo
Yup, anon. As your body gets weaker you begin to lose balance, concentration and focus and get very dizzy a lot until fainting begins.
Man, if there's one thing I do NOT miss about being at danger-weight, it's the fainting.
Being a man in his mid-twenties it's hardly a burly trait to have...
Man, if there's one thing I do NOT miss about being at danger-weight, it's the fainting.
Being a man in his mid-twenties it's hardly a burly trait to have...
i'm the anon who pm'd you the other day, if you remember (and if you don't have too many people asking you for advice hah)
i'm trying to stop but as everyone here well knows it's not a walk in the park.. and yeah, I haven't actually fainted yet but I noticed lately I'm getting dizzy really, really easily :/
Can relate on this one.
Fainting and lightheadedness can happen for a couple of reasons in anorexia. First is low blood pressure, second is that during malnourishment less blood goes to the brain and restricted blood flow up there in general, third is anemia with there not being enough blood cells to transfer oxygen, etc.
I could go on.
Also update on my end. The system has finally begun to kick in, I'm now gonna be referred to psychotherapy twice a week! I'm now in tier 3. The tier 2 nurse though I was seeing is now trying to get into my tier 3 team, which is really nice of her... (She doesn't have to go into the tier 3 team, plus she is only part time so...)
Currently in London and really enjoying, food a plenty! So many delicious treats, I've even tried the 3 Waitrose Blumenthal flavours! Might write a review for them on the review thread.
Fainting and lightheadedness can happen for a couple of reasons in anorexia. First is low blood pressure, second is that during malnourishment less blood goes to the brain and restricted blood flow up there in general, third is anemia with there not being enough blood cells to transfer oxygen, etc.
I could go on.
Also update on my end. The system has finally begun to kick in, I'm now gonna be referred to psychotherapy twice a week! I'm now in tier 3. The tier 2 nurse though I was seeing is now trying to get into my tier 3 team, which is really nice of her... (She doesn't have to go into the tier 3 team, plus she is only part time so...)
Currently in London and really enjoying, food a plenty! So many delicious treats, I've even tried the 3 Waitrose Blumenthal flavours! Might write a review for them on the review thread.
Hello everyone! I've shamefully lurked on this thread for a while and have pondered adding my own little tale of woe. So I'm gunna! Apologies for my insanely waffley and long-winded style of writing, I have a real problem with being succinct. I did try and be brief but, er....yeah. Feel free to skim read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Extremely fussy eater as a kinder, became underweight, mum got mad/worried, doctor told her to just give me what I wanted, plus lots of milk. Hence I basically lived off strawberry-flavour Crusha and Nesquik throughout childhood. (Tensions around food begin??)
-Happy childhood, was sensitive but confident and tomboyish. Slim and healthy. Lots of funtimes and high-jinks.
-Started private all-girls school at 12 and hated it. Late developer as a teen, picked on, wrapped up in my own little angsty-world, beginnings of depression, start of SI. Suddenly started 'blooming' at about 15, lots of change I couldn't cope with, lots of hormones and fear, lots of boobage and 'fat' I wasn't used to. The usual!
-Beginning of sixth form college. Best year yet. Healthy diet to 'solve' my problems. Pretended I wasn't really such an awkward turtle, started using make up, bleaching my hair, and partaking in 'cool' activities such as smoking and drinking. Worked a treat! New friends, boys showing interest for the first time ever, attention, compliments etc, etc.
-Depression however continued, and worsened. Second year of sixth form I went a bit (a lot) mental. Completely isolated myself from friends (including my very best friend who was like a sister), started drinking bottles of wine in the morning before lessons, SI became worse, hardly ate and kept myself awake at night. During frees and lunchtimes I'd walk, sometimes with vodka concealed in a water bottle at hand, as far from college and noise/other people as I could, sit on the ground and enjoy the peace.
-Decided I needed to change and sort myself out. 'Logical' conclusion was to lose more weight (cuz it worked before,ryt?). Swift descent into anorexia, which wasn't surprising since I'd been dithering on the cusp for a while. Went at it full throttle, ate basically nothing, and dropped to 5.5st. Felt like heaven and hell at the same time, the physical discomfort (the cold was the worst of it, I was always SO BLADY COLD) and yet the strange calm and satisfaction of starvation. Anxiety, depression, feelings of drowning and self-hate all got sidelined in place of the cool, clinical comfort of an ED. Felt like I was winning.
-Parents worried, lots of crying and arguing and me pretending I was eating (all the tricks of the trade). Still the word 'anorexia' was never used. Couldn't handle it anymore, body was in pain and I decided everyone hated me. A month or two of stuffing myself (I literally couldn't stop) and my weight was back up to around 7st. Disgusted with myself, but too tired to fight.
-Next couple of years: worst time yet. Depression back with a vengence, heavy drinking and started using drugs (though nothing severe). Worked full-time in a pub/restaurant with an abusive manager. Made friends with one of the chefs, who got me hooked on his zopiclone and diazapam. Doctor gave me fluoxetine, which sent me further up the wall. People (other than family) started questioning my behaviour.
-Eventually, suicide attempt no 1. Took 78 fluoxetine, 30 zopiclone, and various other meds+vodka, and attempted to slash my wrists (but ended up just slicing my arms up really attractively). Stitched up in hospital, spoke to some 'psychologists' while I was still hallucinating from all the prozac (thought they were FBI agents), sent home. Few days later suicide attempt no. 2, more meds and ripped open stitches, goodbye note written in permanent marker on my wardrobe (facepalm). Wasn't until a while later that I realised it's virtually impossible to OD on SSRIs (again, facepalm). A few different meds were tried out until I got the ones that calmed me down and helped me sleep (Mirtazapine), counselling was mooted, came to nothing. Mum stayed off work to look after me for 6 months. Things calmed down. I don't remember much from this time.
-Cycles of restriction and 'worse' periods of depression continue, but slowly I started fighting my way back. After a bad period of restriction (didn't realise that a diet of 1000 calories a day could have such a drastic effect on weight) with weight hitting all time low (5st 1 lb exactly) and feeling/looking like Gollum's corpse, efforts into recovery began. Slowly managed to get weight up (ED was to an extent channelled into OCD but that's a whole other story!), to an acceptable but not quite fully healthy point. Started at the local uni, and barmaiding at weekends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...And that's where I am now! In terms of the ED, I have good days of eating followed by not so good days, but I rarely deviate from a minimum cap of 1200 calories (it is almost always a lot more than that though!). It continually amazes me that I can eat 'so much' (according to my old anorexic frame of thought) and it not have any consequence to my weight. I really need a boot up my tush to motivate myself harder into recovery, because anorexia still takes up a portion of my life, and any portion is too much as far as I'm concerned. It's nowhere near as all-consuming as it once was, but it's still there wheedling at me and obstructing my life. I reached a point of stability and I'm not yet brave enough to push on to the next step, partially because I'm afraid it'll tip me back into restriction and/or severe depression, but mainly because I'm just too much of a wuss. It's comfortable and safe here, but it's also very lonely and aimless. Anorexia has left me with a number of unpleasant parting gifts, including:
-still no menstrual cycle, which makes it about 5 years since my last one. Kind of alarming.
-A need for tight control and routine in my life
-^ therefore complete lack of spontaneity and a tendency to freak out in the face of any change. Recently started having panic attacks too (but that's uni-stress triggered)
-Diminished cognitive faculties, I swear I'm ludicrously slow these days and I cannae remember anything that didn't happen in the last half hour. I half blame my meds for this though.
-Warped sense of body image. I've been at a low-ish weight for so long now that it's become normal, and some days above normal.
-Moderate ocd, an illogical concern with hygiene and numerical order (hello calories!)
-No friends. I'm a fairly sociable person when I get going, but the ED has conditioned me to regard closeness and intimacy as a threat, so I continue to keep people at a safe distance. It's a cycle I'm struggling to break out of.
-I get exhausted easily, ill easily, cold easily, stressed easily.
All in all anorexia was not worth the temporary numbing effect it provided me with. At this stage, it's almost become an unpleasant, ingrained habit and need for control (woo cliché). I'm way passed being terrified of certain foods, or seeing a whale in the mirror when the reality is skeletal, or believing having a super-thin body will solve my other 'issues'. Basically, it's just routine that I'm too lazy/scared to fight. I've only recently been able to break free from my obsessive need to know the EXACT number of calories I consume. It's slightly tragic the thrill I get from not having to measure milk for cereal or weigh out frickin' jam for toast. What joy!
So yar, again I apologise for the essay. I felt like sharing, and who better to share with than the some of the lovely peeps on this here thread. If I can help anyone or add any wisdom in some way then I'm more than willing. This illness is such a little bitch, and we should all strive to learn how to deal with life in a way that doesn't involve self-destruction. Aim for happy! You can't go far wrong if you aim for happy
Sending you tidings of joy with my mind,
Cloppy XO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Extremely fussy eater as a kinder, became underweight, mum got mad/worried, doctor told her to just give me what I wanted, plus lots of milk. Hence I basically lived off strawberry-flavour Crusha and Nesquik throughout childhood. (Tensions around food begin??)
-Happy childhood, was sensitive but confident and tomboyish. Slim and healthy. Lots of funtimes and high-jinks.
-Started private all-girls school at 12 and hated it. Late developer as a teen, picked on, wrapped up in my own little angsty-world, beginnings of depression, start of SI. Suddenly started 'blooming' at about 15, lots of change I couldn't cope with, lots of hormones and fear, lots of boobage and 'fat' I wasn't used to. The usual!
-Beginning of sixth form college. Best year yet. Healthy diet to 'solve' my problems. Pretended I wasn't really such an awkward turtle, started using make up, bleaching my hair, and partaking in 'cool' activities such as smoking and drinking. Worked a treat! New friends, boys showing interest for the first time ever, attention, compliments etc, etc.
-Depression however continued, and worsened. Second year of sixth form I went a bit (a lot) mental. Completely isolated myself from friends (including my very best friend who was like a sister), started drinking bottles of wine in the morning before lessons, SI became worse, hardly ate and kept myself awake at night. During frees and lunchtimes I'd walk, sometimes with vodka concealed in a water bottle at hand, as far from college and noise/other people as I could, sit on the ground and enjoy the peace.
-Decided I needed to change and sort myself out. 'Logical' conclusion was to lose more weight (cuz it worked before,ryt?). Swift descent into anorexia, which wasn't surprising since I'd been dithering on the cusp for a while. Went at it full throttle, ate basically nothing, and dropped to 5.5st. Felt like heaven and hell at the same time, the physical discomfort (the cold was the worst of it, I was always SO BLADY COLD) and yet the strange calm and satisfaction of starvation. Anxiety, depression, feelings of drowning and self-hate all got sidelined in place of the cool, clinical comfort of an ED. Felt like I was winning.
-Parents worried, lots of crying and arguing and me pretending I was eating (all the tricks of the trade). Still the word 'anorexia' was never used. Couldn't handle it anymore, body was in pain and I decided everyone hated me. A month or two of stuffing myself (I literally couldn't stop) and my weight was back up to around 7st. Disgusted with myself, but too tired to fight.
-Next couple of years: worst time yet. Depression back with a vengence, heavy drinking and started using drugs (though nothing severe). Worked full-time in a pub/restaurant with an abusive manager. Made friends with one of the chefs, who got me hooked on his zopiclone and diazapam. Doctor gave me fluoxetine, which sent me further up the wall. People (other than family) started questioning my behaviour.
-Eventually, suicide attempt no 1. Took 78 fluoxetine, 30 zopiclone, and various other meds+vodka, and attempted to slash my wrists (but ended up just slicing my arms up really attractively). Stitched up in hospital, spoke to some 'psychologists' while I was still hallucinating from all the prozac (thought they were FBI agents), sent home. Few days later suicide attempt no. 2, more meds and ripped open stitches, goodbye note written in permanent marker on my wardrobe (facepalm). Wasn't until a while later that I realised it's virtually impossible to OD on SSRIs (again, facepalm). A few different meds were tried out until I got the ones that calmed me down and helped me sleep (Mirtazapine), counselling was mooted, came to nothing. Mum stayed off work to look after me for 6 months. Things calmed down. I don't remember much from this time.
-Cycles of restriction and 'worse' periods of depression continue, but slowly I started fighting my way back. After a bad period of restriction (didn't realise that a diet of 1000 calories a day could have such a drastic effect on weight) with weight hitting all time low (5st 1 lb exactly) and feeling/looking like Gollum's corpse, efforts into recovery began. Slowly managed to get weight up (ED was to an extent channelled into OCD but that's a whole other story!), to an acceptable but not quite fully healthy point. Started at the local uni, and barmaiding at weekends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...And that's where I am now! In terms of the ED, I have good days of eating followed by not so good days, but I rarely deviate from a minimum cap of 1200 calories (it is almost always a lot more than that though!). It continually amazes me that I can eat 'so much' (according to my old anorexic frame of thought) and it not have any consequence to my weight. I really need a boot up my tush to motivate myself harder into recovery, because anorexia still takes up a portion of my life, and any portion is too much as far as I'm concerned. It's nowhere near as all-consuming as it once was, but it's still there wheedling at me and obstructing my life. I reached a point of stability and I'm not yet brave enough to push on to the next step, partially because I'm afraid it'll tip me back into restriction and/or severe depression, but mainly because I'm just too much of a wuss. It's comfortable and safe here, but it's also very lonely and aimless. Anorexia has left me with a number of unpleasant parting gifts, including:
-still no menstrual cycle, which makes it about 5 years since my last one. Kind of alarming.
-A need for tight control and routine in my life
-^ therefore complete lack of spontaneity and a tendency to freak out in the face of any change. Recently started having panic attacks too (but that's uni-stress triggered)
-Diminished cognitive faculties, I swear I'm ludicrously slow these days and I cannae remember anything that didn't happen in the last half hour. I half blame my meds for this though.
-Warped sense of body image. I've been at a low-ish weight for so long now that it's become normal, and some days above normal.
-Moderate ocd, an illogical concern with hygiene and numerical order (hello calories!)
-No friends. I'm a fairly sociable person when I get going, but the ED has conditioned me to regard closeness and intimacy as a threat, so I continue to keep people at a safe distance. It's a cycle I'm struggling to break out of.
-I get exhausted easily, ill easily, cold easily, stressed easily.
All in all anorexia was not worth the temporary numbing effect it provided me with. At this stage, it's almost become an unpleasant, ingrained habit and need for control (woo cliché). I'm way passed being terrified of certain foods, or seeing a whale in the mirror when the reality is skeletal, or believing having a super-thin body will solve my other 'issues'. Basically, it's just routine that I'm too lazy/scared to fight. I've only recently been able to break free from my obsessive need to know the EXACT number of calories I consume. It's slightly tragic the thrill I get from not having to measure milk for cereal or weigh out frickin' jam for toast. What joy!
So yar, again I apologise for the essay. I felt like sharing, and who better to share with than the some of the lovely peeps on this here thread. If I can help anyone or add any wisdom in some way then I'm more than willing. This illness is such a little bitch, and we should all strive to learn how to deal with life in a way that doesn't involve self-destruction. Aim for happy! You can't go far wrong if you aim for happy
Sending you tidings of joy with my mind,
Cloppy XO
Cloppy, a thousand times over, I applaud you. You're so incredibly brave to have posted with your own screen name, and this is the first step in acceptance and telling the world, "this is me, I am vulnerable, I am suffering, but I can DO this!"
Hiding away is when the ED eats away at your psyche and breaks down your mental and emotional defences. When THOSE are gone, it's easy for it to destroy your body. Trivial, even. By telling us your thoughts, anxieties and feelings more regularly, you can vent what would otherwise be welling up inside.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
On a separate tangent, I am just shy of my BMI being 16 now... that's the GOOD news. Bad news? I broke my wrist by merely LEANING on it. Anorexia-induced acute osteoperosis? Not recommended. I am like reverse Wolverine. An exoskeleton made out of breadsticks.
Hiding away is when the ED eats away at your psyche and breaks down your mental and emotional defences. When THOSE are gone, it's easy for it to destroy your body. Trivial, even. By telling us your thoughts, anxieties and feelings more regularly, you can vent what would otherwise be welling up inside.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
On a separate tangent, I am just shy of my BMI being 16 now... that's the GOOD news. Bad news? I broke my wrist by merely LEANING on it. Anorexia-induced acute osteoperosis? Not recommended. I am like reverse Wolverine. An exoskeleton made out of breadsticks.
Reminder: Users engaging in trolling or offensive behaviour will not be tolerated in this thread under any circumstances. This is a thread for support and advice relating to eating disorders. People who ignore this warning will be receiving points and a strike. Accumulation of 3 strikes will result in a permanent ban from the whole of Health & Relationships. Consider this a final warning to any and all who seek to derail the thread or cause upset.
If such behaviour occurs again don't engage the users in discussion, simply report their posts and moderator will deal with it asap
fire2burn
Original post by fire2burn
Reminder: Users engaging in trolling or offensive behaviour will not be tolerated in this thread under any circumstances. This is a thread for support and advice relating to eating disorders. People who ignore this warning will be receiving points and a strike. Accumulation of 3 strikes will result in a permanent ban from the whole of Health & Relationships. Consider this a final warning to any and all who seek to derail the thread or cause upset.
If such behaviour occurs again don't engage the users in discussion, simply report their posts and moderator will deal with it asap
fire2burn
Reminder: Users engaging in trolling or offensive behaviour will not be tolerated in this thread under any circumstances. This is a thread for support and advice relating to eating disorders. People who ignore this warning will be receiving points and a strike. Accumulation of 3 strikes will result in a permanent ban from the whole of Health & Relationships. Consider this a final warning to any and all who seek to derail the thread or cause upset.
If such behaviour occurs again don't engage the users in discussion, simply report their posts and moderator will deal with it asap
fire2burn
Fire, can you clarify who or which post caused you to post that disclaimer? I ask because I personally haven't noticed a post in this thread which has purposely or explicitly sought to incite hurt.
