Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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same on the no-one will believe me idea - i've never felt serious enough to ask for help myself it's always been forced upon me and i've rarely ever accepted it. i don't know about what services essex has - i probably should have a look but i still feel reluctant to admit theres a problem. i feel like maybe all i need is a bit of time away from home - a fresh start etc and i'll defo get better, eventhough i'm fully aware it's not that simple....

i'm scared about university to, i'm excited because i love psychology and want to learn more about it but i'm scared i won't make any friends, sometimes i really struggle in social situations and the only thing that helps is alcohol but then when i drink even a little bit i usually pass out which isn't going to make the best impression :frown:

i also thought about taking a gap year as i felt like i'd let my ED take over when left alone, but after thinking about it i decided that i'd probably waste a year and then go to university paying a lot more money and let my ED get the better of me then. i think that i just need to learn to control my ED but it's always going to be with me and i'm always going to run the risk of giving it too much control of my life

sorry about the babbling :s-smilie:

Um, I feel like you've jumped into my brain! I keep thinking everything will be magically fine if I go to university and get away from home and I have a feeling things will be harder because I'll be alone. You will make friends, you're awesome! :biggrin:

I struggle too tbh but what I do is I tend to put on a facade and be really loud and smiley and then they usually think I'm a freak but in a good way and then I kind of feel worse because I feel like they don't know what I'm really like. I'm an awful drunk. I've only been drunk twice and I just get really slumpy and suicidal and I eat things I wouldn't normally eat and then I end up crying. Not good. Yep, I think I'd take a gap year and initially be really excited and have grand plans about going to Inti Warri Yassa (an animal conservation place in Bolivia) and getting a job and then after a week I'd get demotivated and depressed and I'd end up in a mess. :sigh:

I think you've hit the nail on the head, it's not going to suddenly go away so we just have to manage the best we can.

I feel really sick. I just emailed my old college about returning my books and getting my deposit back (after 2 years) and I'm having ED flashbacks and I feel really anxious. I haven't ever gone there since I left. :sad:

Reply 1421

diamonddust

Original post by Cinamon

Awwww

Yeah I have always been good at essay subjects but in the end my E brought me down to a B for English :frown:

And the sciences, well... it takes a lot more effort to absorb and understand the information and I find it SO much harder but I like to push myself so... biomed it is!

When I don't think about UEA, I feel great about uni - really looking forward to it :smile:

And you'll have a great time - don't let your ED stop you if you're looking forward to it. I bet everything will slot into place and if not, UEA is soooo good for student support :hugs:

It really does! AS Chemistry was impossible for me! :rolleyes:

Keep in contact? Pleease don't disappear once you start uni- that goes for you too Squff! I really care about you guys!

Reply 1422

Anonymous #50

Original post by diamonddust

Spoiler

Thank you

I'll try and keep my head up, and I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with my family soon, that should help me as well :h:

Reply 1423

.snowflake.

Original post by squiff93

Squiffy, YAY Maths grade buddy. Only you had the balls to keep it until A2. I'm jumping ship in september. Although admittedly, I've wanted to drop it since last October... so passing it was good. Mum doesnt agree, what a surprise.

Spoiler

Reply 1424

.snowflake.

Original post by diamonddust

It really does! AS Chemistry was impossible for me! :rolleyes:

Keep in contact? Pleease don't disappear once you start uni- that goes for you too Squff! I really care about you guys!

DD, you passed AS Chem! You did better than some people in my year, and we're supposed to be clever!

Reply 1425

squiff93

Original post by diamonddust

i do that to when i'm drunk - come in and just eat **** loads without realising what i'm doing then i also feel suicidal. i think i'm going to ring the university tomorrow and ask a lot of questions, just looked on the internet and it said they have to take your height weight and blood pressure, which i freaked out about i didn't even let my doctor do those things when i first went about my ed and she made me schedule an appointment every week or two until i trusted her enough for her to do it.

trust me i'm not going anywhere i'll be here to talk to about university and anything you want tbh, your awesome to and i know you'll make new friends. hopefully you'll be sharing a kitchen and living area with a group of really nice people and it'll make settling in really enjoyable and easy.

awh, :hugs:

try remember the past is the past and all the horrible ed ****e is also in the past, now your moving on and recovering from your ED, your going to the university you really wanted to go to - your succeding and you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!

Reply 1426

squiff93

Original post by .snowflake.

Spoiler

LOL i was a few marks off a B at AS and couldn't cope with A2 it's ridiculously impossible i wish like you that i dropped it at AS!!! luckily for me my mum and dad knew how much i hated it and i prepared them for the worst therefore they were actually rather happy with my D (as was I)!

Reply 1427

.snowflake.

Original post by squiff93

Haha. 62,42,50, scraped a D at AS for maths. Admittedly Brian Cox, the fit one off the telly only had a D in maths. But upset I didnt get an A in Chem though. Nearly had a panic attack before I'd opened my results, convinced I'd done awful/ failed German and sir was going to kill me, cant honestly remember much of what I said to my music teacher :/, may need to apologise in Sept. Pleased with a D in maths, got B's in bio and Chem, C in german was alright. Laughed at my C in Gen. studies...

Reply 1428

squiff93

Original post by .snowflake.

i got a C in AS german to :biggrin:

your results are good - especially for AS which is a huge jump from GCSE! Bs in bio and chem is awesome science is like a foreign language to me and my A's in science at GCSEs come from the fact that i memorized the test book and didn't actually understand ANY of it :colondollar:

i managed to pull up my psych from a B to an A* without retakes which just goes to show how good your A-level results could be next year even without all the bother of january resits!

did you take M1 or S1 in maths?

Reply 1429

Cinamon

Original post by diamonddust

It really does! AS Chemistry was impossible for me! :rolleyes:

Keep in contact? Pleease don't disappear once you start uni- that goes for you too Squff! I really care about you guys!

OF course!!! Same to you! Once I get my internet set up at my new house i'll back :biggrin:

Reply 1430

Alexandrra

Original post by squiff93

Spoiler

I feel the same; I don't know whether it's better to be upfront about it, or living in a mixed flat with atleast two guys whether that will scare them off and make everyone treat me differently.

Also, I feel like it's my mother that caused me to relapse, and triggers me to get worse. Do I tell her, or does that make me a terrible daughter? :frown:

Everything is all about food, her diet, my weight, exams and uni, and I can't deal with it

Reply 1431

squiff93

Original post by Alexandrra

Everything is all about food, her diet, my weight, exams and uni, and I can't deal with it

of course it doesn't make you a terrible daughter, just remember it doesn't make her a terrible mother either EDs are very scary for parents because your always going to be her baby and she's always going to worry and try her best to help you - eventhough i know as well as you it can have a completely opposite effect. maybe if you can it'd be a good idea for you to explain to her how her comments make you feel and for you to suggest to her ways that she can help you get better.

i've been worrying about this university thing for a few hours now and i've decided not to tell the people i'm sharing a room with - if it's obvious enough for them to pick up on and they approach me about it i'll be honest, but if i can keep it from them then it'll encourage me to try and be more 'normal' and maybe help me to forgegt about it. i am probably going to explain my situation to the health centre at the university as i need a repeat prescription from the doctor and they offer counselling which i'd like to have the option of having - if i don't need it great but it's important you have something to fall back on if you really start struggling.

Goodluck! x

Reply 1432

diamonddust

Original post by Alexandrra

Everything is all about food, her diet, my weight, exams and uni, and I can't deal with it

Of course you're not a terrible daughter! Maybe tell her to try not to talk about diet and weight and put pressure on you? My mum just called me lazy because after eating dinner, I feel too miserable to clean the bags of A2 work I've left on the floor.

I don't know what to do about the flatmate situation either. I wouldn't want to bring it up unless it became really apparent but according to my family, it's pretty obvious anyway especially during meals. I know that if I see people in the kitchen when I want to eat, I'll probably turn around and go to my room and obviously, I don't want to do that. I don't want people to judge me and make assumptions about me. I didn't even tell the friends I made this year and I was relatively close to them. I don't want to turn up and be like 'Hi, I'm DD and if you think I'm a bit weird around food, well I'm sorry, I have an ED that I'm trying to recover from.' It will feel weird and then they'll expect me to eat certain things and... I guess I'll keep it secret.

Reply 1433

[NyuNyu]

Thought I'd just do waht everyone else does and warn ppl of the coming long post. :P

I wouldn't say I have an ED as I'm not that serious, and for my height my weight is really healthy, and I also make sure I eat etc because I know a lack of nutrition will affect my skin, hair and so on. Tommy is right, it's about vanity.

I know I don't have an ED, but I do know that suddenly (I forgot what it was) something triggered since last year and I used to eat so much and so happily but never gained weight. Tho, for some reason my perspective suddenly changed, I started restricting what I ate but not too much that I don't get enough nutrients, I try to hit 1000 calories everyday, but I make sure I don't go too far above it, just over it say around max 1200 (I actually think most days I don't hit 1000 calories); sometimes I would have a good day and eat normal. I can feel that I have lost some weight, but since I'm only just over 5 foot I'm still classed as a normal 'healthy' weight, which I'm glad.

I have always tried to make everything perfect, and control things a little. I actually think what triggered my obsessivness that I now have with food is that I could feel me college grades were slipping and I was worried about failing, I was worried I wouldn;t get into law school. I didn't want to fail and 'possibly' failing my A-Levels was beginning to go out of my control, so I concentrated on food. I could control that and although I used to eat what I want (btw being asian it was mostly very healthy, but I just had a lot of high carb foods, which were still healthy tho), I wasn't really that happy with my body, despite never been above 110lbs.

I could feel the effects of suddenly restricting things, i.e. getting irritable really easy, getting emotional quite easily and if someone asks if I'm not hungry (if I just have the vegetables at supper on somedays), then I would snap at them thinking they think they're suspecting something or that there's something wrong with me, when I know they're just asking. I still eat rice/bread that kind of stuff, but I have cut the amount of rice I eat by 75%, I've always liked brown bread but would still eat white bread if it's there and never think twice about it, but now I would avoid white bread, unless there is really nothing else. I would get nervous when someone else cooks supper instead of me, if they do + put too much on my plate I always leave a lot of it, unless it's vegetables. I would avoid all the cakes/packaged foods (if we ever get them) etc, unless I have to eat some in front of the family I break it all up and pick at little bits of it and eat the tiniest amount and give the rest to the dog :biggrin:

. If on good days I feel like 'what the heck let's just eat some' and I lose some of that control, I still actually have the tiniest piece.

I've always loved fruit though and I eat loads of that so I reckon I do make up most of the calories that I should be eating during the day. I still have meat + that, but I've noticed that if it's not chicken or fish I don't eat it, these being the leanist.

My condition isn't that bad now that I know I've got into law school. I feel relieved and that a bit of the control is going. I just know it's because of our family background was making me feel that everything was going wrong and I'm not able to make it go right, and being worried about my future and dissappointing everyone has just made my shoulders feel really heavy. Plus the fact that I know my father is stressed so I think I felt like I should suffer aswell.

It's funny isn't it? How when you actually try to lose weight that you become less happy with your body than you were before and I don't even think it was about my body in the first place haha, since I never believed in diets, I was the healthiest person around I reckon. I was active, I ate lots of fruit & veg, good old hearty amount of rice, bread, choco, sweets, occasional dessert. Being Chinese we never have fast food, fried, or unhealthy foods, once every few months we might get one of those packaged Quiche things or something packaged anyway, but we always cooked from scratch, so I never craved for junk food, it never taste good in the first place anyway. 0_o

I think I'm alright now, it's only been just under a year for me, so I'm not too affected by my pickyness in eating. I'm gradually just forgetting about it hopefully, as I have felt the least happiest during this past year because of it. All I'm going to do from now on is eat more and just exercise more. :tongue:

Oh! Apologies for the rrrrreallllly long post. :colondollar:

I just felt I had to get it off my chest, because I've never told anybody about my recent feelings.

Reply 1434

TotoMimo

NyuNyu, as time goes on vanity becomes irrelevant and it becomes solely about numbers and your own obsessions. You can lie to yourself and say otherwise but it soon becomes a competitive solitary challenge which drives you to try to beat what you previously did.

Starve a little bite more, exercise a little bite more - it adds up day to day and soon you'll find yourself struggling to get up in the morning due to muscular atrophy.

Scary stuff... x

Reply 1435

diamonddust

www.swedauk.org/students/uni.htm

About having an ED at uni and relates to what we were talking about.

Reply 1436

Anonymous #55

Hi, i just feel like i really need to talk about this now. I don't have an ED by any means i don't think, but i'm 5'10 and if i go over 8 and a half stone i feel disgusting and fat and automatically lose any weight that i manage to put on. My boyfriend prefers me to put some weight on and says i look better for it but i literally can't do it and it gets me really really down. I try to eat 1200-1500 cals a day but the last two weeks it's pretty much just been a bowl of soup and a sandwich everyday. I know this probably sounds really stupid and i'm sorry for wasting your time but i haven't been a healthy weight since i was 12 and all this started *now 18* and even though i know im underweight i feel so huge and i can't physically make myself put the weight on. Sorry for wasting your time, thanks.

Reply 1437

Anonymous #50

Original post by Anonymous

Spoiler

Hi there

I'm afraid that anything that makes you obsess about your food like that can be considered an ED, even if you don't want to call it that. Your body may be used to you being underweight now but that's really not the way it should be. I think it may help if you see someone about your body dysmorphia and restricting (anorexia doesn't mean you have to eat NOTHING).
You're not wasting anyone's time :hugs:

Reply 1438

[NyuNyu]

Original post by TotoMimo

I do know what you mean. I mean this past year I've been obsessed about each food and if I don't like the look of the numbers then I would avoid it at all costs, and I've found that it's such a time consuming thing.

I think I've gotten a bit better, I just need to tell myself to calm down. ^_^ That I know I won't gain weight, because I never did before when I ate twice as much so I shouldn't now. I must have spend hrs and hrs watching ED related videos and movies, because of my obsession. I was scared I might have a serious ED problem as I would plan relentlessly what I was going to eat that day and become upset if things don't go to plan, but I watched them ED videos because they always scared me into going to get something to eat. Lol, which is good I guess as I think 'I don't want to end up like them', so I go and eat that extra bit of rice or I go and have that extra piece of toast.

Hopefully this phase will pass, and I pray that I don't get into this phase again, because it makes you so emotional. And you're right it feels such a solitary challenge, and the feeling that you just want to be alone with your obsession.

I hope you're fighting fit soon, take care and I'm glad you made this thread. :smile:

XxX

Reply 1439

.snowflake.

Original post by squiff93

i got a C in AS german to :biggrin:

S1, although M1 is supposed to be fun/ good if you do Physics. My school sits M1 as an A2 module. Oooh. Squiffy kann Deutsch sprechen! Fand du Deutsch wirklich interessant, oder sehr schwer zu tun? Apparently I'm good at literature, so I might do well in the essay in the A2 paper, but the english to german translation is going to be a bugger :/

btw, DD, Squiff and everyone else, I'll be upset if you disappear when you get to uni. I get worried and assume you're doing really badly and aren't posting because you can't, not because you dont need us.