Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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You should never, ever, worry about asking for help.

It sounds like anxiety issues are starting to fall in horrible hailstones :sadnod:

but that's okay, and you will overcome it. Trusting people is scary at this stage; you are afraid to let people in, because (whether this be intentional or unconscious it doesn't matter) you don't want them to get hurt. Letting one friend see you is a step in the right direction. Make sure you talk to them, unburden yourself. Don't coop things up and expect your friend to feel relieved, she/he almost certainly wants to hear you - to help.

Being embarrassed, feeling insecure? That's awful, but you are not the only one. Those feelings are by no means only attached to EDs; EVERYONE feels insecure at times, everyone feels embarrassed. Training yourself to not think like this is difficult, and the only thing I can suggest is fighting against those thoughts and not focusing on them. When you focus on one thing, the background goes hazy - it means the thing your focusing on? That seems more important, more intimidating; your perception becomes skewed. Are the people looking at you because your fat? No. You are the only one thinking that.

Do you like reading? Writing? Drawing? Try taking one of those up/honing your talents elsewhere. Writing and art are an outlet, and reading can be great escapism.

Spoiler

I like writing and i've written a list of all the things i'm going to do instead of thinking about my ED behaviours, hopefully it'll help me :smile:

I've spent the past few hours walking in and out of the bathroom torn between whether or not to weigh myself, i'm desperate to know but then at the same time when i find out i know i won't be able to eat as much as i did today tomorrow and for the rest of the week. i genuinely feel like i've eaten sensibly today and i ended the day with a hot chocolate which i've been regretting for hours, it just feels 'dangerous'

I have to go away with my family tomorrow to see my nan, so i kind of guess that means i have to see people :frown:

which i'm dreading but i guess that'll be good for me. I'm so scared though, because she always tells me how she's worried and i swear she tries to make me fat with her massive portions, i can already feel the panic setting in just thinking about it because she's going to take away the control - but obviously i don't want to purge - but what if i have to!?

Reply 1481

squiff93

Original post by Anonymous

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Reply 1482

Anonymous #50

Original post by squiff93

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Reply 1483

Anonymous #50

That's great!

Today I had loads, did a lot of housework so I even justified some chocolate... I had oats, and dried fruit, and a bread roll (with cheese), and even spag bol!

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Now I fancy some jaffa cakes :teeth:

I must have eaten more than 2000kcals already though :sigh:

But I'm in a good mood and that counts for something, right???

Reply 1484

Cinamon

Yo! Just dropping in to say :hi:

again. Well done to those pushing themselves to get better - it's so hard so well done :yep:

I'm not one of those people (spoiler has bmi and food)

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I don't expect any advice btw really. Just being honest. Don't know why :frown:

OH GOD and

My friends are P***ING ME THE HELL OFF!!!!! Shopping today and they were constantly going on about how up and down my weight is and laughing that i'm going to get really thin and then go eat a Mac Donalds. Gahhhh > :frown:

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1485

TotoMimo

Cinamon, please don't give up. We need to be each others' backbones here!!

I am certainly getting down about things.

My weight the past few days has been all over the place. It's literally went 96, 98, 96, 99lb (with today being 3lb up on yesterday).

I find myself unable to NOT weigh myself on a daily basis.

Finally, I think the reason I am hurting so much is because I know I should be gaining weight and it's my overall goal, but the means in which I am achieving it are less than favourable. I am quite literally now getting drunk in order to "make up my numbers", with a dulled mind I feel less anxious in doing so and now I feel reliant on this dulling effect to feel that I should be eating.

I understand I need to *physically* gain weight before I can *mentally* recover, but the anxieties I am facing won't allow me to just... eat like a normal person. It's always all-or-nothing, and sometimes the grip around my neck is just loosened ever so slightly by having a couple of beers, but in doing so I'm just fixing a leak by puncturing a hole elsewhere, if you'll forgive the metaphor.

Reply 1486

Riku

Original post by Cinamon

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I don't expect any advice btw really. Just being honest. Don't know why :frown:

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I don't know what to suggest about your mates sorry, apart from the fact that they're probably really concerned by your weight fluctuation and are using these little teases as a way to brighten things up a bit for you and everyone. If they do it again, maybe you could gently let them know that you don't find them funny and ask them to stop it? I'm sure if they were told that their jokes are bothering you they'll stop, but please don't let silly off-hand comments like these get you down. It's often hard for friends to understand EDs. I don't think they mean it to be genuinely antagonising and hurtful, they probably don't even realise how triggering it can be.

Reply 1487

Arcane Barn Elk

Original post by TotoMimo

My weight the past few days has been all over the place. It's literally went 96, 98, 96, 99lb (with today being 3lb up on yesterday).

I find myself unable to NOT weigh myself on a daily basis.

..............sometimes the grip around my neck is just loosened ever so slightly by having a couple of beers, but in doing so I'm just fixing a leak by puncturing a hole elsewhere, if you'll forgive the metaphor.

You have such a great understanding of the process of recovery Toto. It would be great if our intellectual understanding translated into feelings and behaviour! Ever heard the saying 'Fake it 'til you make it?' It helps me very much although often I'm faking it rather than 'making it'! LOL

Weight is weird and it will be unstable during recovery - we all vary day to day - you know that! How do you feel about giving someone your scales to look after and then weighing yourself once a week?

I'm ambivalent about the drinking. Some Drs make it standard practice to prescribe anxiolytics to help recovery by reducing the anxiety. On the other hand you don't want to become dependent on drinking either :s-smilie:

Maybe try and have one beer? You're good at control :wink:

- use your willpower for recovery :smile:

. Have you tried other relaxation methods like breathing, meditation, calming mantras etc?

Try to remind yourself about all the great things that you want to do once recovered. Go and do something that you enjoy (that's non food related ideally :wink:

) and remember that you deserve to be well, you are a great guy and if you can't stand up on your own yet we are all here supporting you and everyone else who is in recovery! :smile:

Reply 1488

Riku

I think I'm ready to let go of the ED, everyone. But to do that I have to come to terms with the sensation of panic around exercise and that's really hard. This whole thing might be a bit triggery sooo spoiler alert...:

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Any help's greatly appreciated. Keep strong, guys : )

Reply 1489

Antiaris

Hallo all!

Had a VERY mixed couple of days. I am nearing that magical number of 18.5! And then, the world! Muahahahahaha.

Mr Mimo, as hard as it is to do you are going to HAVE to stop weighing yourself. When I had to do that the only way I managed it was getting my Mum to hide the scales, popping them out only once a week to track progress.

Oh, and weight fluctuates. Like. Crazy.

I decided on a little experiment; Eating helluva lot in the night for the weight, weighing, then weighing the difference in the morning.
Night: 9st 6 lbs (My BMI is good!)
Morning: 9st. (Kinda)

6lbs in so little time! We just have to take it as it is and accept, we are not constants in space and time. A pound is pointless.

VERY TRIGGERING. I broke down in a major way;

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I hate it when logic and sense takes a skip from my head...

Reply 1490

SailorCherries

Hi, I started a thread before I even realised this existed.

I have an EDNOS, basically, since giving birth I am just getting back down to a 'normal' weight on the BMI scale but I definitely show signs of an eating disorder - constant calorie counting, restritcing calories, b/p'ing, nervousness and panic around food etc.etc. you all know the score.

I'm not quite sure when it all really started, but I do remember up until say, third year? in school I got teased for being 'fat', and one day I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch or x, y and z either. In next to no time, around 3 months I believe, I had fallen from a UK size 14 to a UK size 8 and I was really happy. That seemed to be the end of my calorie counting and restricting days, but every so often I would revert back to it for a week or so but I kepy my weight almost steady and I never once thought of these relapses as 'strange'. I honestly believe it to be normal, that everyone obsessed over their weight, counted calories religiously, restricted etc.etc.

Now in 2009 I fell pregnant, I found out in November, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I didn't care about food or calories. I just ate and was happy, my baby needed me to eat and I wanted him to have the best start - so I did. I suppose in a way I was also 'making up' for all those bad habits before because in the end I put on near 60lbs I suppose!
After the birth of my son I still didn't care, I was breastfeeding and he needed me to eat for him to eat. It was bliss, for the first time ever I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted. No questions, no little voices in my head, nothing!

But it all came to a half in May this year and I relapsed for a while. Through severe calorie restritcing and counting, as well as exercise, I managed to loose just shy of 14lbs/1 stone in 3 weeks. After that I sort of got better and managed to loose a good bit further through healthy eating, proper calorie intake vs outake and exercise (I needed to loose the baby weight). However, on the 13th of this month I went on an all inclusive holiday for one week and when I came back I was 3lbs heavier than when I left (mostly because all the fizzy juice, alcohol and the fact I ate white carbs, instead of wholegrain/wheat ones). It is now 8 days since my return, 6 days since my relapse and I am back to such serious calorie counting and restricing I am barely eating over 800kcal a day and I now weigh 3lbs LESS than my preholiday weight, so 6lbs less than what I was last Saturday. That's 1lbs loss per day since this started :'(

The worst part is, that although I hate this disease, the way it controls me, I'm happy. I'm happy I can control something in my life always, I'm happy seeing the numbers go down and today I was ecstatic in the shops having went down a dress size. All the while thinking to myself if I keep restricting/restrict more, then I can get even smaller.

I just want to be healthy, to eat what I want when I want. Not to look at every label, to overestimate my food kcals so I know I'm not going over, to enjoy the hunger pains I get. I don't want my son to pick up on my bad habits when he is older, to think this is 'normal' or even worse, start doing it himself. I would loathe myself even more than I already do if I hurt him through this.

Gah.

Reply 1491

diamonddust

Original post by Antiaris

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I hate it when logic and sense takes a skip from my head...

Even though you're going through a lot mentally, you're doing astoundingly well. I hope that doesn't upset you, I know it sometimes can. And can I just say, yay to healthy coping mechanisms? :jumphug:

Weight really does fluctuate like crazy! I went to see my new therapist and got weighed (without knowing I was going to be weighed) and cried my eyes out, forgetting I'd had two cans of diet coke that *might* have influenced the number. :rolleyes:

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1492

squiff93

Had a pretty tough weekend, visited my nan who says she worries about my weight and stuff and since she lives far away from us she's never actually been told about my ED and i wouldn't want her to know. At mealtimes i'd give myself a portion i was okay with and then she'd either add tonnes more to my plate or bring something in. At breakfast i made myself a bowl of porridge, and when i had just finished she came in asking what i'd had once i'd told her she rushed off to the kitchen to make me two teacakes ladened them with butter then handed them to me and sat on the sofa basically watching me eat them. At dinner today i gave myself two new potatoes, but then she decided that wasn't enough and added one new potato and 3 roast potatoes to my plate!!! i'm so glad it's over i just felt constantly on edge like she was going to chuck more food at me all the time :frown:

Of course i am TRYING to eat better but that just seemed excessive and more than i can handle in one go.

My chest seems to be hurting more and more - and i'm overly stressed about things which is again bringing on the panic attacks and shaking. I'm don't know if i should stop being stubborn and start taking the fluoxetine again which is currently stashed away in my cupboard.

Reply 1493

Arcane Barn Elk

Original post by Riku

I think I'm ready to let go of the ED, everyone. But to do that I have to come to terms with the sensation of panic around exercise and that's really hard.
a) has anyone got any tips on how to do safe, moderate exercise WITHOUT it relapsing into overtraining and turning into a competition/ punishment (and also maybe how to deal with anxiety around all the symptoms e.g. pounding heart, breathlessness etc.) and b) would anyone recommend using meds for it like Fluoxetine?

I have had severe problems with anxiety (for a variety of reasons!). What I have found helpful are the following:
Focusing on my breathing (steady in and out, count each up to 10 then start again).
Replacing anxious thoughts with helpful statements e.g. 'Eating a pudding is okay and I am feeling calm and well.'
Setting limits on exercise beforehand and when that ol' devil arises using one of my helpful statements, '20 minutes on the treadmill is enough. There is no need to do anymore.'
Reminding myself that those symptoms are harmless, 'My heart is pounding, but that is okay.'
Distratcing myself from physical symptoms by focusing on something else using mindfulness e.g. paying attention to the sky, trees, things around me.

Personally I have also needed to use medication, but that is because I have very long term problems.

I'm making lots of rhubarb crumble atm as we have huge amounts of it growing!

Reply 1494

Arcane Barn Elk

Original post by squiff93

I'm don't know if i should stop being stubborn and start taking the fluoxetine again which is currently stashed away in my cupboard.

Hope your weekend is improving!

Anyway, not a good idea to go on and off fluoxetine. It can take weeks to start working and you need to take it consistently for it to help. If you're prescribed it and want to take it then you should, but you have to complete the course :smile:

Reply 1495

Arcane Barn Elk

Original post by rubixcyoob

I don't want my son to pick up on my bad habits when he is older, to think this is 'normal' or even worse, start doing it himself. I would loathe myself even more than I already do if I hurt him through this.

Hi Ruby,

It is so hard to have an ED, especially when you are responsible for others. The thing is, you are not yet completely in the grip, so you do have the chance to prevent it getting worse.

Set yourself a healthy weight using a medical weight chart and no cheating! If you need to lose some weight to be a healthy weight then set yourself a healthy calorie count to achieve that (1500Kcals is usual) and stick to it. If you don't need to lose any weight then you should be eating 2000kcals a day MINIMUM! You are good at sticking to things and certainly have the willpower so use it to maintain your health rather than to destroy it.

You are absolutely right to be concerned about the effect on your son. EDs are enormously destructive of families and it is a huge burden to grow up with a mother who is ill. I'm afraid that you have a straight choice: follow your ED and take your son into hell with you or refuse to be a victim and tell the ED voice to get lost, you have a life to live and want to enjoy your son's childhood.

If you need a reminder then buy and read 'This Mean Disease: Growing Up in the Shadow of My Mother's Anorexia' by Daniel Becker. Heartbreaking.

I am in similar situation to you, but my boy is now 22 and I was able to resist the temptation to return to my ED during his childhood.

Stay Well!

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1496

Riku

Original post by Arcane Barn Elk

Thanks Arcane, that's good advice especially about the exercise anxiety : )I'm doing swimming atm and trying Couch to 5K, it's pretty gruelling :') but then, the doctor's said I underestimate my own fitness so I could be exaggerating the exertion from anxiety and negative self-talk; it's really hard to tell sometimes. It's good to be able to differentiate being "out of shape" and "unfit" (which personally I believe we should try not to be just for the sake of our health) and feeling that 3-letter f-word which really doesn't make a difference to our worth as a person. I think I got those two definitions confused a long time ago now so it's a strange process making them entirely different concepts again.
I'm really unsure with the medication, I've always over-thought things and my symptoms have only been really bad this last year but it's getting to the stage where I think my parents are talking behind my back, mild paranoia that kind of thing : / plus mindful thinking is soo hard 'cause I'm used to a million thoughts flying through all at once! My therapist suggested Fluoxetine while adjusting to uni, do you think this'll help?

And woop, fellow farmer ; D you've gotta love the crumble. Can't say our patch is growing too well currently, think we have a Mandrake infestation or something!

Reply 1497

Arcane Barn Elk

Original post by Riku

...... "out of shape" and "unfit" (which personally I believe we should try not to be just for the sake of our health) ...........it's a strange process making them entirely different concepts again.

I'm really unsure with the medication, I've always over-thought things and my symptoms have only been really bad this last year but it's getting to the stage where I think my parents are talking behind my back, mild paranoia that kind of thing : / plus mindful thinking is soo hard 'cause I'm used to a million thoughts flying through all at once! My therapist suggested Fluoxetine while adjusting to uni, do you think this'll help?

And woop, fellow farmer ; D you've gotta love the crumble. Can't say our patch is growing too well currently, think we have a Mandrake infestation or something!

Yes, you're right there is a big difference. Generally if you can do all of your activities including your training without being absolutely exhausted and struggling by the end of it then you are as fit as you need to be right now. I can't swim as I have a rare heart condition that is kicked off by swimming! But I do love the gym and that great buzz after exercise.

I've found medication very helpful, especially fluoxetine. Once it starts working, which can take a couple of weeks, it really makes a difference. In my case the 'mild' paranoia and racing mind were all reduced and then disappeared. I felt much more relaxed and confident. Stuff that previously sent me up the wall stopped bothering me and I slept properly! It sounds as if it could be a good idea for a couple of months. Sometimes its prescribed for between three and six months, and it is important to keep taking it once you start to see the real benefits.

Whoa, better deal with those mandrakes - and make sure you have you have your ear plugs ready! :wink: