Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1580

diamonddust

You have reached the limit of how many posts you can rate today! :tongue:

Reply 1581

Watch Key Phone

Original post by diamonddust

Found a few things I'd written in my old diary that aren't triggering! :eek3:

Recovery: A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
Convalescence: gradual healing; the act of regaining or saving something lost.

I found this when I was in my writing (awful) haiku stage. I'm not sure who wrote it but I think it's amazing.

Autobiography in five short chapters.

CHAPTER 1
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe that I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit...but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5

I walk down another street.

This is amazing. I know I'm just randomly butting in, but I think it's beautiful.

Edit: Googled and apparently it's by 'Portia Nelson'. :smile:

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1582

diamonddust

God, Adele's voice is amazing. Watching Jonathan Ross to try to cheer myself up.

I genuinely think mess can impact your mood. My house looks like a bomb has gone off, partly because of all my uni stuff and partly because of all the things that have been emptied from the loft. I don't even know where to start with cleaning. The outside bit of my house where there's a patch of grass is completely covered in things and we don't know when someone will collect the stuff because the council don't do it for free anymore. :sigh:

Guys, I just want to thank you all for your support. I love all of you so very much and I hope you all find happiness and true recovery.
This is really hard to say but I don't want to just disappear so...

I think I'm going to take some time out from this thread. I don't know how long I'll stop posting for but I just want some quiet (in my head) and I think talking about things, both on here and in therapy just makes me focus on how I'm feeling and right now, I don't want to think about it. That's not to say I'm going to give up or anything (hell no!) but I just think I want to go it alone and stop talking and stop thinking and just... be for a bit. I'm constantly holding back in my everyday life and I hold back on here too. I know you all say I shouldn't and I should say how I feel but I can't properly, not even in spoilers because it would be too long and it wouldn't be fair. Plus, maybe if I stop talking about my feelings, I'll eventually stop feeling and then I might actually be able to get somewhere with recovery. That might not be true but I have to try it to see. Right now, it feels like all my worst recovery nightmares are coming true and I just need to keep my head above water without the additional worry of being triggering to others. So I'm going to take some time out from this thread. I'll still be around on TSR.

Love you all. xxx

Reply 1583

diamonddust

Original post by Amwazicles

This is amazing. I know I'm just randomly butting in, but I think it's beautiful.

Edit: Google and apparently it's by 'Portia Nelson'. :smile:

She's a genius! It really does sum up life! :tongue:

Hey Souldoubt! :jumphug:

I'm ok, thanks. Constantly spending money I shouldn't be spending on things for uni! :biggrin:

Think I'm going to take a bit of time off this thread for a bit. No particular reason so don't worry! Just too many feelings, you know?
You? Hope you're ok! xxx

Reply 1584

.snowflake.

Guys, if I appear to be MIA over the next few weeks, I assure you its not because I've died. It's because I've activated Leechblock, so that I dont fail my A2's.

Reply 1585

Watch Key Phone

Original post by .snowflake.

Guys, if I appear to be MIA over the next few weeks, I assure you its not because I've died. It's because I've activated Leechblock, so that I dont fail my A2's.

What's leechblock?

(I'm lurking in this thread from now on..)

Reply 1586

dior

I think survivors of EDs are here for a reason. We are meant to do important things which is why we stayed alive.

Reply 1587

Anonymous #50

I ate nothing until 7pm and then instead of having something small I had loads to eat :frown:

But I need nutrition, right? :smile:

Reply 1588

fire2burn

Original post by Amwazicles

What's leechblock?

(I'm lurking in this thread from now on..)

Leechblock is an add-on tool for firefox that allows you to block sites in order to dissuade yourself from time wasting.

Reply 1589

Watch Key Phone

Original post by fire2burn

Leechblock is an add-on tool for firefox that allows you to block sites in order to dissuade yourself from time wasting.

Oh right

How does it work though, surely there must be a password or something so you can cancel it eventually, is it not just a matter of willpower anyway (maybe in a less direct way)?

Sorry a bit off topic..

Reply 1590

TotoMimo

Original post by Anonymous

I ate nothing until 7pm and then instead of having something small I had loads to eat :frown:

But I need nutrition, right? :smile:

Your body was obviously desperately starving! Good thing you stopped depriving and hurting it. x

Reply 1591

Riku

Hey guys, how's everyone been coping lately?
I was just wondering, is it normal during the recovery phase to become obsessed with food? Some days it's just part of routine (at least 1500 cals from 3 meals, some healthy snacks in between, maybe a treat some days) but other times I feel a need to get lots on the plate, then when it actually gets there start to feel threatened by the amount I've given myself, but feel I have to eat it anyway because I refuse to restrict these days. Still feel a little fat-phobic as a nutrient, for example I'm a bit unsure about the cashew nuts I had two hours ago. Whether this is health anxiety or disordered eating thoughts I'm not sure : /
It's not like I'm an unhealthy weight anymore (6 foot, nearly 11 stone, and I know weight's not the issue really) but is there any basis for these thoughts and how could I get round them? I'm trying to get back in shape and weight train but it's kinda impossible if I'm scared to eat adequately.
Love to all :console:

Reply 1592

Cinamon

Original post by Riku

Hey

I think it's pretty common to be obsessed with food during recovery yes - i'm obsessed either way. I think it's really great that you are forcing yourself to eat all of the food on the plate - it shows real strength. Sorry I can't add advice, i'm sure someone else will :smile:

I have genuinely no idea how i'm doing. I feel like i'm eating more than usual, but still cheating myself at times and it's so second nature I forget i've done it :frown:

Weight is still decreasing, which isn't an immediate concern as I can loose a bit more - but it's starting to affect my health again. There are times when this scares me, i.e. when I get spaced out (binge trigger) ... and times when I couldn't care less 'cause i'm like 'pffffff you're still a healthy BMI so that means you're not going to get ill'. The good thing (well good when i'm being rational, bad when :devil:

comes along), though, is that I have a lot going on at the moment so I want to be 'with it' as much as possible :smile:

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 1593

Riku

Original post by Cinamon

Hey

I have genuinely no idea how i'm doing. I feel like i'm eating more than usual, but still cheating myself at times and it's so second nature I forget i've done it :frown:

comes along), though, is that I have a lot going on at the moment so I want to be 'with it' as much as possible :smile:

Hey no worries, it's just good to hear that what I'm doing is hopefully alright! Becomes a bit more of a problem that I'm classifying this peanut butter sandwich as a "binge" because I'm not like gut-bustingly hungry : / thanks a lot ^ ^
You should try to remember that this isn't about your BMI at the end of the day, it's about how you feel about yourself. Saying that you can afford to lose a little more is the first step to returning to bad habits; the way I see it, if you're not overweight you shouldn't try to lose weight.
(Yet that's basically what I'm doing with working out right now, whether I admit it or not. Practice what you preach, Tom! :rolleyes:

)

As for "cheating yourself"...sometimes you have to throw the rulebook out of the window. So what if you have the slice of cake or the extra slice of pizza? What's the worst that could happen? The best way to tell if you're eating better is probably if you're eating what you want and what/how much you need without even thinking about it.

It's good to keep yourself busy, but don't let yourself get burned out! We all need some personal time every now and then, so if you can use whatever you're getting up to learn more about yourself besides food. It's hard sometimes but so damn worth it : )
:hugs:

Spoiler

its just annoying cos i have a love-hate relationship with food. il binge on everythin in the house knowing binging isnt healthy and will make someone over weight. gah.

Reply 1596

NotSoCool.Fly

Original post by TotoMimo

Your body was obviously desperately starving! Good thing you stopped depriving and hurting it. x

i know this might sound harsh but it's because i care; but toto surely you can take your own advice? as you said yourself you're 27, you dont want to die in ten years which is a possibility if u keep going this way youre gonna ruin whats left of your metabolism when you have so much to give in this world, seriously. don't hurt it anymore, give it its needed goddam gorgeous nutriton and start maintaining a healthy weight :hugs:

Reply 1597

TotoMimo

NotSoCool; thank you for your kind concern. We all fight things in different ways. I personally may not be invincible nor do I approach my problems with the correct methods to solve them, but I understand what's right and where I need to be and I truly hope something "clicks" soon as has done with my brethren here on the thread (I am so, so proud, by the way, guys).

To know we are all here for each other is a great safety net and one which I can rely on. So much love.
XX

Reply 1598

Merjambes

Having worked my way through this thread over the last couple of days, can I just say that everyone is so strong (not to mention exceedingly brave!) for fighting their EDs, regardless of how 'well' you perceive yourself to be doing. The fact that you're fighting says it all.

Have been trying to amp up the courage to post here in some semblance of non-anonymity, but chickened out and made a fresh account instead. Figures. I'm not really to sure why I'm doing this, the bigger part of my brain is saying that I don't have any need/right/reason to. But a little part does.

I've fallen into the trap of saying "I'm not skinny enough to have an ED" so many times. I still believe it, but I know there's nothing normal about the way I think or feel about food. Like a lot of you posting here I'm pretty enthusiastic/obsessed with food but people mistake it for a simple passion - I love cooking, and refuse to eat most things I haven't cooked myself (restaurants make me anxious). And then what I do eat I know isn't enough. Can't bring myself to eat anymore though. It's both a lover and an enemy at the same time.

Erm, considering that I don't even know why I'm posting this makes it hard to know what to say. I suffer from OCD and what I would deem 'mild' anxiety; although it does sometimes prevent me leaving my house sometimes. I'm fully aware that I've got an addictive nature; I've had my moments with self-harm, binge eating, drugs, restriction. I can't seem to just chill and be okay with moderation; tis always all or nothing for me.

Rambleramble.

Basically what set me off, made me wake up this time, was that I spent a long time deciding whether or not to eat a meal. When I decided I was, I then made myself choose between something 'safe' that I knew the exact calories/content of and something that was 'nicer' but where the calories were a bit more uncertain. I went safe. I shouldn't be choosing foods because they have less energy in, I should be choosing them because I want to eat them. I don't seem to be able to get my brain to accept this and actually do it though.

Frustrating/confusing ramble over.

Hi, by the way. :wavey: