Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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i like food but despise its obese related consequences. if only we could eat what we want ad take a magic syrup to not make us obese like most of america
i seriously need to stop binging else id be obese
i seriously need to stop binging else id be obese
Original post by NotSoCool.Fly
i like food but despise its obese related consequences. if only we could eat what we want ad take a magic syrup to not make us obese like most of america
i seriously need to stop binging else id be obese
i seriously need to stop binging else id be obese
Do you eat steady amounts throughout the day to prevent binges or do you let yourself get to hungry?
Are you an emotional eater?
You don't HAVE to binge you know - you seem like your way too accepting of it!
im an emotional eater
suffered through some stuff/depression low self esteem etc etc didnt socialise for 3 years stayed home so comfort food was my way out
im not binging all the time i just have the desire all the time in my head which isnt good considering as i said if one stays this way id be obese ! the amount i intake isnt good hmm. its hard. and i heard binging is the number 1 disorder in america or something hence its quite shockig-some people eat even when they dont want to physically. just shows u.
suffered through some stuff/depression low self esteem etc etc didnt socialise for 3 years stayed home so comfort food was my way out
im not binging all the time i just have the desire all the time in my head which isnt good considering as i said if one stays this way id be obese ! the amount i intake isnt good hmm. its hard. and i heard binging is the number 1 disorder in america or something hence its quite shockig-some people eat even when they dont want to physically. just shows u.
But you don't have to have it. If you don't like it then stop. So much harder than it sounds but you can achieve it if you want it enough.
You need to find a balance. Maybe plan a menu don't deprive yourself from treats but eat them in moderation.
When you feel emotional go for a walk etc do stuff to distract you from food or eating it. If I get angry and want to take it out on something but food is in the brain I get all the junk food out the cupboard and play with it like its playdough and throw it and ruin it so that the urge to eat it goes because it looks so disgusting.
Have you considered a self help book or telling a Dr?
You need to find a balance. Maybe plan a menu don't deprive yourself from treats but eat them in moderation.
When you feel emotional go for a walk etc do stuff to distract you from food or eating it. If I get angry and want to take it out on something but food is in the brain I get all the junk food out the cupboard and play with it like its playdough and throw it and ruin it so that the urge to eat it goes because it looks so disgusting.
Have you considered a self help book or telling a Dr?
Original post by cloppy
Toto: Yes, kind of. Prepare yourself for epic amounts of waffle (it has a happy ending though I promise).
During a recovery 'period' (I'm making these periods permanent this time, just bytheby!) back when I was at an extremely low weight, I increased intake to 2000 calories AT LEAST daily, and for about 3 weeks I increased fairly rapidly to hit 96 lbs. However, after that time the weight gain literally stopped for another 2 weeks afterwards. My intake and activity levels were the same, and I was still badly underweight by most normal people's standards. I actually worried that I'd f'cked my innards up so much with my incessant starving that it was now refusing to digest properly.
Around this time my resolve to recover took a momentary blow and I started restricting very severely which caused my weight to plummet again. After rational thought kicked in, I decided that the reason for my relapse was due to such a dramatic increase in calories, and so reasoned that I would start slow with 1000 calories a day. And guess what? My weight not only sprung back up to 96lbs in the SAME bleedin period of time as it had when I was on 2000+, but it merrily carried on up to 100lbs! I went stir-crazy with anxiety let me tell you.
After doing some reading and research, I managed to convince myself that my body was just a bit overcome with joy at having food again and that it would stop as soon as all vital functions/repairs and so on had been attended to. I increased to 1300, 1500 then 1700 and my weight stabilised at what I would guess was about 7.5 stone (I had stopped weighing myself frequently by then, which was a massive help btw). As my intake gradually decreased back to about 1500, my weight started slowly dropping again, untill I got to the weight I'm at now (which is on the rise towards glorious health again woo!).
So to briefly conclude(!): During recovery your body WILL f*ck about. Unfortunately, the more desperate a state you're in the more it will mess about. But it does pass. You've just gotta grit your teeth sonny, and in the mean time remind yourself how epically ****e anorexia is.
I hope that helped some.
Also, HELLO to some new(?) anons and peeps peeping about. I may try and do some replies to you guys when my keyboard is not so tired. Though sometimes I don't know what to say to be honest.
Toodle pip for now though!
During a recovery 'period' (I'm making these periods permanent this time, just bytheby!) back when I was at an extremely low weight, I increased intake to 2000 calories AT LEAST daily, and for about 3 weeks I increased fairly rapidly to hit 96 lbs. However, after that time the weight gain literally stopped for another 2 weeks afterwards. My intake and activity levels were the same, and I was still badly underweight by most normal people's standards. I actually worried that I'd f'cked my innards up so much with my incessant starving that it was now refusing to digest properly.
Around this time my resolve to recover took a momentary blow and I started restricting very severely which caused my weight to plummet again. After rational thought kicked in, I decided that the reason for my relapse was due to such a dramatic increase in calories, and so reasoned that I would start slow with 1000 calories a day. And guess what? My weight not only sprung back up to 96lbs in the SAME bleedin period of time as it had when I was on 2000+, but it merrily carried on up to 100lbs! I went stir-crazy with anxiety let me tell you.
After doing some reading and research, I managed to convince myself that my body was just a bit overcome with joy at having food again and that it would stop as soon as all vital functions/repairs and so on had been attended to. I increased to 1300, 1500 then 1700 and my weight stabilised at what I would guess was about 7.5 stone (I had stopped weighing myself frequently by then, which was a massive help btw). As my intake gradually decreased back to about 1500, my weight started slowly dropping again, untill I got to the weight I'm at now (which is on the rise towards glorious health again woo!).
So to briefly conclude(!): During recovery your body WILL f*ck about. Unfortunately, the more desperate a state you're in the more it will mess about. But it does pass. You've just gotta grit your teeth sonny, and in the mean time remind yourself how epically ****e anorexia is.
I hope that helped some.
Also, HELLO to some new(?) anons and peeps peeping about. I may try and do some replies to you guys when my keyboard is not so tired. Though sometimes I don't know what to say to be honest.
Toodle pip for now though!
You have reached the limit of how many posts you can rate today
You know what I love about your posts? You can TELL you have a really vibrant and amazing personality. You just seem awesome and you have to be amazingly strong to do what you've done!
Sometimes I don't know what to say either.
Original post by NotSoCool.Fly
im an emotional eater
suffered through some stuff/depression low self esteem etc etc didnt socialise for 3 years stayed home so comfort food was my way out
im not binging all the time i just have the desire all the time in my head which isnt good considering as i said if one stays this way id be obese ! the amount i intake isnt good hmm. its hard. and i heard binging is the number 1 disorder in america or something hence its quite shockig-some people eat even when they dont want to physically. just shows u.
suffered through some stuff/depression low self esteem etc etc didnt socialise for 3 years stayed home so comfort food was my way out
im not binging all the time i just have the desire all the time in my head which isnt good considering as i said if one stays this way id be obese ! the amount i intake isnt good hmm. its hard. and i heard binging is the number 1 disorder in america or something hence its quite shockig-some people eat even when they dont want to physically. just shows u.
Original post by squiff93
But you don't have to have it. If you don't like it then stop. So much harder than it sounds but you can achieve it if you want it enough.
You need to find a balance. Maybe plan a menu don't deprive yourself from treats but eat them in moderation.
When you feel emotional go for a walk etc do stuff to distract you from food or eating it. If I get angry and want to take it out on something but food is in the brain I get all the junk food out the cupboard and play with it like its playdough and throw it and ruin it so that the urge to eat it goes because it looks so disgusting.
Have you considered a self help book or telling a Dr?
You need to find a balance. Maybe plan a menu don't deprive yourself from treats but eat them in moderation.
When you feel emotional go for a walk etc do stuff to distract you from food or eating it. If I get angry and want to take it out on something but food is in the brain I get all the junk food out the cupboard and play with it like its playdough and throw it and ruin it so that the urge to eat it goes because it looks so disgusting.
Have you considered a self help book or telling a Dr?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Better-Bit-Sufferers-Disorders/dp/0863773222/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316559099&sr=8-1
That book is really good.
Oh and for everyone, this is a really good pro recovery ED magazine. I think an ED charity in Scotland produced it. Read through it and actually felt less frantic for a little while. http://issuu.com/alexandrao/docs/thevoicemagazineedition1
Hey everyone, hope things are okay, going to put this as maybe triggery since I'm shattered and possibly not thinking straight. Going to sound a complete hypocrite now but then that's always been my problem:
In any case, I'm loving fresher's week so far. I was sitting round in the SU bar today with some new mates, having lunch (it was a jacket potato with tuna which seems like too much and I feel kinda sleepy now don't know why) and just getting to know each other. That's when it hit: I don't need this, none of us should even need concern ourselves with the day's meal plan. There's so much more to aim for and look forward to in our lives.
Spoiler
In any case, I'm loving fresher's week so far. I was sitting round in the SU bar today with some new mates, having lunch (it was a jacket potato with tuna which seems like too much and I feel kinda sleepy now don't know why) and just getting to know each other. That's when it hit: I don't need this, none of us should even need concern ourselves with the day's meal plan. There's so much more to aim for and look forward to in our lives.
Hi
I don't have an eating disorder but I am worried about a friend (let's call her X) and was looking for advice.
X used to be overweight in primary school and secondary school but she started to lose weight healthily at college... exercising and not eating junk food. She was more confident and I felt happy for her.
She went away to university and when she came home to visit she was thinner (mainly due to lack of money for food). She dropped out and is now home for good and has lost more weight... this time unhealthily. She told me she exercises for 3/4 hours a day and only eats early in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day. Because her weight loss is obvious, her parents weigh her monthly and she has lost a stone a month. Her doctor said she is the perfect hight for her weight and that she is losing weight too quickly. However, she is still convinced she needs to lose more.
Because her family is constantly questioning her about the weight I haven't really commented on it because she is under enough pressure from her parents and doctor.
I am very worried about her. I tell her she is beautiful and thin but I understand and know that she does not see herself like that. What really made me worry is her saying: 'if I ever go back to being fat I would kill myself'.
From experience, would you say she has an eating disorder?
Thank you in advance for the help and advice
I don't have an eating disorder but I am worried about a friend (let's call her X) and was looking for advice.
X used to be overweight in primary school and secondary school but she started to lose weight healthily at college... exercising and not eating junk food. She was more confident and I felt happy for her.
She went away to university and when she came home to visit she was thinner (mainly due to lack of money for food). She dropped out and is now home for good and has lost more weight... this time unhealthily. She told me she exercises for 3/4 hours a day and only eats early in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day. Because her weight loss is obvious, her parents weigh her monthly and she has lost a stone a month. Her doctor said she is the perfect hight for her weight and that she is losing weight too quickly. However, she is still convinced she needs to lose more.
Because her family is constantly questioning her about the weight I haven't really commented on it because she is under enough pressure from her parents and doctor.
I am very worried about her. I tell her she is beautiful and thin but I understand and know that she does not see herself like that. What really made me worry is her saying: 'if I ever go back to being fat I would kill myself'.
From experience, would you say she has an eating disorder?
Thank you in advance for the help and advice
Can I just say to Anonymous, this sounds absolutely like an anxiety disorder and definitely shows signs of eating disorder behaviour. Inherent fears of becoming "fat", excessive exercise and restrictive eating are all traits of restrictive-type anorexia nervosa, the subtype I personally suffer from (but I'm fighting).
So yes, it's obvious to me that she is suffering from an eating disorder.
Too Much love, it's a difficult thing to state to someone. People with EDs are naturally very enclosed and defensive and naturally, they will defy your comments ferociously. It would be wise to approach the subject gently, perhaps with subtle questions as opposed to statements (for example, instead of saying "You seem to be eating very little" or "You're losing so much weight", ask "Are you losing weight?".
The chances are if they have, they will probably have some sense of pride in it, and if so, it's another indicator they're suffering an eating disorder or a body dysmorphic disorder.
So yes, it's obvious to me that she is suffering from an eating disorder.
Too Much love, it's a difficult thing to state to someone. People with EDs are naturally very enclosed and defensive and naturally, they will defy your comments ferociously. It would be wise to approach the subject gently, perhaps with subtle questions as opposed to statements (for example, instead of saying "You seem to be eating very little" or "You're losing so much weight", ask "Are you losing weight?".
The chances are if they have, they will probably have some sense of pride in it, and if so, it's another indicator they're suffering an eating disorder or a body dysmorphic disorder.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi
I don't have an eating disorder but I am worried about a friend (let's call her X) and was looking for advice.
X used to be overweight in primary school and secondary school but she started to lose weight healthily at college... exercising and not eating junk food. She was more confident and I felt happy for her.
She went away to university and when she came home to visit she was thinner (mainly due to lack of money for food). She dropped out and is now home for good and has lost more weight... this time unhealthily. She told me she exercises for 3/4 hours a day and only eats early in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day. Because her weight loss is obvious, her parents weigh her monthly and she has lost a stone a month. Her doctor said she is the perfect hight for her weight and that she is losing weight too quickly. However, she is still convinced she needs to lose more.
Because her family is constantly questioning her about the weight I haven't really commented on it because she is under enough pressure from her parents and doctor.
I am very worried about her. I tell her she is beautiful and thin but I understand and know that she does not see herself like that. What really made me worry is her saying: 'if I ever go back to being fat I would kill myself'.
From experience, would you say she has an eating disorder?
Thank you in advance for the help and advice
I don't have an eating disorder but I am worried about a friend (let's call her X) and was looking for advice.
X used to be overweight in primary school and secondary school but she started to lose weight healthily at college... exercising and not eating junk food. She was more confident and I felt happy for her.
She went away to university and when she came home to visit she was thinner (mainly due to lack of money for food). She dropped out and is now home for good and has lost more weight... this time unhealthily. She told me she exercises for 3/4 hours a day and only eats early in the morning and nothing for the rest of the day. Because her weight loss is obvious, her parents weigh her monthly and she has lost a stone a month. Her doctor said she is the perfect hight for her weight and that she is losing weight too quickly. However, she is still convinced she needs to lose more.
Because her family is constantly questioning her about the weight I haven't really commented on it because she is under enough pressure from her parents and doctor.
I am very worried about her. I tell her she is beautiful and thin but I understand and know that she does not see herself like that. What really made me worry is her saying: 'if I ever go back to being fat I would kill myself'.
From experience, would you say she has an eating disorder?
Thank you in advance for the help and advice
Toto's got it nailed pretty well on the psychology, I'll just add a little which might help
I'm sorry I can't be of more help right now but this sounds very much like restrictive anorexia with purging (this is how I started before I realised I didn't want to die actually...); it's good that she's being closely monitored by a GP because they can refer her if things do get way out of hand, she's in the right place. Sadly there isn't much that you can do except keep being there for her and supporting her. You might feel you want to do more but it's something best left to professionals and it's very easy to mean well but do or say something that steeps her further into the ED behaviours. For example, I wouldn't suggest that you tell her she's "beautiful and thin" because that can reinforce the notion she's very likely to have developed that "thin=beautiful, anything else=ugly". The mind of an ED sufferer can twist any well-intentioned comment into an accusation or an incentive to carry on with this life-threatening challenge. It might help for you to read up some more on EDs? We're here to help if you want anytime.
I wish you both all the best [hugs]
(edited 12 years ago)
im just too hungry to continue this way. food is good even if its fatty. anythings better than nothing for me right now. my mood is dire.
Original post by sentiment
You sound wonderful! You should be very very proud of yourself.
Awh shucks! Thanks ever so
Original post by diamonddust
You have reached the limit of how many posts you can rate today
You know what I love about your posts? You can TELL you have a really vibrant and amazing personality. You just seem awesome and you have to be amazingly strong to do what you've done!
Sometimes I don't know what to say either.
You know what I love about your posts? You can TELL you have a really vibrant and amazing personality. You just seem awesome and you have to be amazingly strong to do what you've done!
Sometimes I don't know what to say either.
Shucks again! That seriously made my day thankyou. And you know, I feel the exact same way reading your posts. I suspect you're quite the charmer in real life!
I'm in a good mood today which is nice, not suicidal like yesterday...
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge
Good day good day good day 
I love every one of you gorgeous people!
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge
Good day good day good day I love every one of you gorgeous people!
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in a good mood today which is nice, not suicidal like yesterday...
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge Good day good day good day
I love every one of you gorgeous people!
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge
Good day good day good day I love every one of you gorgeous people!
Makes two of us, in the space of 3 hours my mood has gone from depressed to pretty chilled
I've practically followed in kerry katonas footsteps and gained weight in record time. Not a healthy way to be honest it wouldn't make doctors proud. I don't know how I feel about it, I almost don't care, but I also feel kind of excited because I can start again with restricting.
My mum just asked me what meal my snack was - huge bowl full of green beans and broccoli covered in soya sauce mirin and sesame stuff. She clearly doesn't realise quite how big my appetite can be!
My mum just asked me what meal my snack was - huge bowl full of green beans and broccoli covered in soya sauce mirin and sesame stuff. She clearly doesn't realise quite how big my appetite can be!
Squiff, please don't tell me you just said you're excited because now you can start restricting again?
Are you being serious? Because if so, I am a gentleman and as such I'm not inclined to hit a lady, but I would ask one of my female peers to slap you royally across the face for making such a stupid, unhealthy statement.
Are you being serious? Because if so, I am a gentleman and as such I'm not inclined to hit a lady, but I would ask one of my female peers to slap you royally across the face for making such a stupid, unhealthy statement.
Original post by squiff93
I've practically followed in kerry katonas footsteps and gained weight in record time. Not a healthy way to be honest it wouldn't make doctors proud. I don't know how I feel about it, I almost don't care, but I also feel kind of excited because I can start again with restricting.
My mum just asked me what meal my snack was - huge bowl full of green beans and broccoli covered in soya sauce mirin and sesame stuff. She clearly doesn't realise quite how big my appetite can be!
My mum just asked me what meal my snack was - huge bowl full of green beans and broccoli covered in soya sauce mirin and sesame stuff. She clearly doesn't realise quite how big my appetite can be!
Why are you excited about restricting your food intake?.I dont think theres anything to be excited about, imo its the slippery slope and that bastard ED is winning again.You must be strong and not let it win.
Original post by TotoMimo
Squiff, please don't tell me you just said you're excited because now you can start restricting again?
Are you being serious? Because if so, I am a gentleman and as such I'm not inclined to hit a lady, but I would ask one of my female peers to slap you royally across the face for making such a stupid, unhealthy statement.
Are you being serious? Because if so, I am a gentleman and as such I'm not inclined to hit a lady, but I would ask one of my female peers to slap you royally across the face for making such a stupid, unhealthy statement.
Original post by Annie72
Why are you excited about restricting your food intake?.I dont think theres anything to be excited about, imo its the slippery slope and that bastard ED is winning again.You must be strong and not let it win.
Only a little bit. I'm healthy enough to start a healthy diet now. I'll just cut back a tad and get a bit more control over the food i eat. just a bit...
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by cloppy
Awh shucks! Thanks ever so
Shucks again! That seriously made my day thankyou. And you know, I feel the exact same way reading your posts. I suspect you're quite the charmer in real life!
Shucks again! That seriously made my day thankyou. And you know, I feel the exact same way reading your posts. I suspect you're quite the charmer in real life!
Aw bless you! But naaah, I'm just the annoying loud one who talks about Glee far too much!
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in a good mood today which is nice, not suicidal like yesterday...
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge Good day good day good day
I love every one of you gorgeous people!
And good mood equals love for food, which is even better! I have a good appetite today and I just know I'm gonna be eating sensibly enough to not purge
Good day good day good day I love every one of you gorgeous people!
YAY!
Original post by Riku
Makes two of us, in the space of 3 hours my mood has gone from depressed to pretty chilled
Double yay!
Original post by squiff93
Only a little bit. I'm healthy enough to start a healthy diet now. I'll just cut back a tad and get a bit more control over the food i eat. just a bit...
Can I be honest? I mentally facepalmed at you saying you were excited to go back to restricting. It's really not fair to say so so brazenly on this thread with no trigger warning or anything when people are in varying states of motivation/recovery.
Oh Squiff, you KNOW how much I love you but I'm calling BULL****! Sorry but I think everyone on this thread, including you, knows that's crap. You are not healthy. The very fact you're saying something like that believing you're healthy shows that you aren't. You're basically doing what I did earlier when I announced to my mum that I was turning down therapy because I don't have an eating disorder and never did. You're lying to yourself. If you think that you can cut back 'just a tad' and not get sick, you're absolutely deluded. We bloody lie to ourselves and it just gets harder. Over the past month or two, everything's been a bit **** for me, I can't lie. I just got really tired and I thought the (illusion of) control would make everything in my head stop. Instead, the ED is constantly screaming at me and when I want to do something the ED doesn't want me to do, the fight is a million times harder. The very second I give in a little bit, I give a little more of myself away and become a mouthpiece for this ****ed up illness. I had an argument with my mum in Tescos over scales that I wouldn't let go of because I was determined to buy them- I didn't in the end because I thought I could get 'better' scales for the same price somewhere else. I have no need to weigh myself because I'm being monitored but all I can think about is how they don't get a real weight and that I really need to know. I go into the kitchen and walk out again or I don't go into the kitchen at all in the entire day. I haven't been to bed before 5am for weeks because I'm too hungry/hyper/tired to sleep. I can no longer eat things I was eating weeks ago with no problem. I thought I was past all that! 
Recovery seems to be one step forward, 10 steps back sometimes but taking a million steps back just because you can is just ruining all the progress you've made. It's so much EASIER not to fight, but **** easy. No one ever gets what they want by taking the easy route, and ACTIVELY giving in is doing that. Falling into behaviours, though not great, is vaguely understandable but courting them is just... I don't even know. I can't say I haven't been tricked by my ED into thinking things were fine but you have to at least try and pull yourself out. Please please try and fight. PLEASE. You know where this is going to take you. I know that doesn't make a damn bit of difference but think back to where you were before. Is that TRULY what you want for yourself? Because see, I think my default thought whenever life gets ***** is 'Things were so much better *before*'. In some ways, they might have been, I don't know. I was too out of it to really know. How can life be better when you don't remember it? I KNOW I have rosetinted ED glasses and it's hard to distinguish between the truth and lies so I understand that when you aren't really aware, it's difficult. But right now, I don't read anything that comes from you. I just read your ED trying to convince you that it's ok for you to go back. I think you want justification that it's ok and it really isn't ok. No-one is going to give you that justification because you ****ing need to do something about this. Like I told you in our first ever PM, you're going to end up in hospital or dead if you carry on without help and I REALLY don't want that to happen to you because you're amazing and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
I don't even know if this makes sense because I've edited so many times but I just.... I don't know. I don't even know. I love you Squiff but I guess you'll do whatever you want to do. I'll never ever give up on you but... you make me worried sometimes hun. Please don't read anything beyond what I'm saying into this. I don't hate you, I don't think you're weak or a failure or whatever your brain is telling you I'm saying. I'm just saying that you're being hoodwinked. And you know deep down that you are.
And yeah, I was going to post and say it's amazing what a self esteem boost doing something for yourself is. I got my hair done today and I instantly felt a little bit less **** and I feel a bit more positive about university because of it and I even felt a little better about eating. I don't understand how that works. I'm going to have a really long bath now because I'm going to miss them when I'm at uni. I still don't think I'll be posting on here much for myself because I don't really have anything to say or ask. I'll be lurking and checking on you all though and commenting if I think I can help/make a difference. I love you all loads and loads and I'm ok, I honestly am. Well, I'm trying to get there. I don't doubt that things will be ok in the end.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by diamonddust
Can I be honest? I mentally facepalmed at you saying you were excited to go back to restricting. It's really not fair to say so so brazenly on this thread with no trigger warning or anything when people are in varying states of motivation/recovery. Oh Squiff, you KNOW how much I love you but I'm calling BULL****! Sorry but I think everyone on this thread, including you, knows that's crap. You are not healthy. The very fact you're saying something like that believing you're healthy shows that you aren't. You're basically doing what I did earlier when I announced to my mum that I was turning down therapy because I don't have an eating disorder and never did. You're lying to yourself. If you think that you can cut back 'just a tad' and not get sick, you're absolutely deluded. We bloody lie to ourselves and it just gets harder. Over the past month or two, everything's been a bit **** for me, I can't lie. I just got really tired and I thought the (illusion of) control would make everything in my head stop. Instead, the ED is constantly screaming at me and when I want to do something the ED doesn't want me to do, the fight is a million times harder. The very second I give in a little bit, I give a little more of myself away and become a mouthpiece for this ****ed up illness. I had an argument with my mum in Tescos over scales that I wouldn't let go of because I was determined to buy them- I didn't in the end because I thought I could get 'better' scales for the same price somewhere else. I have no need to weigh myself because I'm being monitored but all I can think about is how they don't get a real weight and that I really need to know. I went into the kitchen and walked out again or didn't go into the kitchen at all in the entire day. I haven't been to bed before 5am for weeks because I'm too hungry/hyper/tired to sleep. I can no longer eat things I was eating weeks ago with no problem. I thought I was past all that! Recovery seems to be one step forward, 10 steps back sometimes but taking a million steps back just because you can is just ruining all the progress you've made. It's so much EASIER not to fight, but **** easy. No one ever gets what they want by taking the easy route, and ACTIVELY giving in is doing that. Falling into behaviours, though not great, is vaguely understandable but courting them is just... I don't even know. I can't say I haven't been tricked by my ED into thinking things were fine but you have to at least try and pull yourself out. Please please try and fight. PLEASE.
You know where this is going to take you. I know that doesn't make a damn bit of difference but think back to where you were before. Is that TRULY what you want for yourself? Because see, I think my default thought whenever life gets ***** is 'Things were so much better *before*'. In some ways, they might have been, I don't know. I was too out of it to really know. How can life be better when you don't remember it? I KNOW I have rosetinted ED glasses and it's hard to distinguish between the truth and lies so I understand that when you aren't really aware, it's difficult. But right now, I don't read anything that comes from you. I just read your ED trying to convince you that it's ok for you to go back. I think you want justification that it's ok and it really isn't ok. No-one is going to give you that justification because you ****ing need to do something about this. Like I told you in our first ever PM, you're going to end up in hospital or dead if you carry on without help and I REALLY don't want that to happen to you because you're amazing and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
I don't even know if this makes sense because I've edited so many times but I just.... I don't know. I don't even know. I love you Squiff but I guess you'll do whatever you want to do. I'll never ever give up on you but... you make me worried sometimes hun.
Oh Squiff, you KNOW how much I love you but I'm calling BULL****! Sorry but I think everyone on this thread, including you, knows that's crap. You are not healthy. The very fact you're saying something like that believing you're healthy shows that you aren't. You're basically doing what I did earlier when I announced to my mum that I was turning down therapy because I don't have an eating disorder and never did. You're lying to yourself. If you think that you can cut back 'just a tad' and not get sick, you're absolutely deluded. We bloody lie to ourselves and it just gets harder. Over the past month or two, everything's been a bit **** for me, I can't lie. I just got really tired and I thought the (illusion of) control would make everything in my head stop. Instead, the ED is constantly screaming at me and when I want to do something the ED doesn't want me to do, the fight is a million times harder. The very second I give in a little bit, I give a little more of myself away and become a mouthpiece for this ****ed up illness. I had an argument with my mum in Tescos over scales that I wouldn't let go of because I was determined to buy them- I didn't in the end because I thought I could get 'better' scales for the same price somewhere else. I have no need to weigh myself because I'm being monitored but all I can think about is how they don't get a real weight and that I really need to know. I went into the kitchen and walked out again or didn't go into the kitchen at all in the entire day. I haven't been to bed before 5am for weeks because I'm too hungry/hyper/tired to sleep. I can no longer eat things I was eating weeks ago with no problem. I thought I was past all that! Recovery seems to be one step forward, 10 steps back sometimes but taking a million steps back just because you can is just ruining all the progress you've made. It's so much EASIER not to fight, but **** easy. No one ever gets what they want by taking the easy route, and ACTIVELY giving in is doing that. Falling into behaviours, though not great, is vaguely understandable but courting them is just... I don't even know. I can't say I haven't been tricked by my ED into thinking things were fine but you have to at least try and pull yourself out. Please please try and fight. PLEASE. You know where this is going to take you. I know that doesn't make a damn bit of difference but think back to where you were before. Is that TRULY what you want for yourself? Because see, I think my default thought whenever life gets ***** is 'Things were so much better *before*'. In some ways, they might have been, I don't know. I was too out of it to really know. How can life be better when you don't remember it? I KNOW I have rosetinted ED glasses and it's hard to distinguish between the truth and lies so I understand that when you aren't really aware, it's difficult. But right now, I don't read anything that comes from you. I just read your ED trying to convince you that it's ok for you to go back. I think you want justification that it's ok and it really isn't ok. No-one is going to give you that justification because you ****ing need to do something about this. Like I told you in our first ever PM, you're going to end up in hospital or dead if you carry on without help and I REALLY don't want that to happen to you because you're amazing and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
I don't even know if this makes sense because I've edited so many times but I just.... I don't know. I don't even know. I love you Squiff but I guess you'll do whatever you want to do. I'll never ever give up on you but... you make me worried sometimes hun.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't worry. I'm sorry I wrote that. I was trying to make the most out of a **** situation. Which has now kinda got worse but hey not going to go into it. I don't know what to do, I'm in a horrible mood and being all stupid and emotional. I want to walk out of my house and just wander around for the night but I know that it won't work, I'll get too cold and then just be walking round the streets crying.
I am ok, you won't believe me but i actually am okay. I'm better than i've been for a while i think - definately physically. I'm really okay. Just said that at the spur of the moment - i'm down but it doesn't matter anymore.
Sorry about the garbled fashion of what i wrote... I didn't know what to say, just i'm okay and i'm sorry i wrote that to be honest. I'm confused - I can't let the ED win because I doubt it's that anymore - it's just me being ****ed up.. it's not really much to do with eating.
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