Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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I really like Antiaris' idea back there to actually talk about OURSELVES, not our disorders. My biggest problem has always felt like I don't really know who I am without anorexia, I don't want to get better because it would be like saying goodbye to a part of myself that I want to hang on to. I think we should all make a list of things that we feel define ourselves, other than our illness.
Ok, so I just spent about 3 hours reading through this whole thread, and wow, you are all amazing.
I have a story to share, it may be triggering so I will put it in a spoiler. Please don't read it if you aren't having a good day. And I have to go anon as many people in my course at Uni know I'm on here. Noone has to read it, it just feels sort of... refreshing(?) typing it all out.
I wish you all luck, no doubt I will be posting the odd few words here and there
I wish I didn't have to go anon, but I'm pretty well known in UCAS applications threads :/
I have a story to share, it may be triggering so I will put it in a spoiler. Please don't read it if you aren't having a good day. And I have to go anon as many people in my course at Uni know I'm on here. Noone has to read it, it just feels sort of... refreshing(?) typing it all out.
Spoiler
I wish you all luck, no doubt I will be posting the odd few words here and there
I wish I didn't have to go anon, but I'm pretty well known in UCAS applications threads :/Original post by Riku
Hey everyone, just popping in while I've got a spare minute : ) First real day at uni with some evening soc.s (FilmSoc and English pub-crawl, even if I hardly drink!) and as I commute there's no point going home so today's also the first day without the comfort of healthy home food that I can trust. I've kinda realised the majority of my anxiety/ED has emerged from growing increasingly insular in every aspect of my life when really I'm too much of a poet at heart for that to ever do me justice. My soul's been crying out for new horizons and experiences for far too long now. So I'm going to take a risk today and get a "forbidden" meal which I'm kinda s******g one about actually...free Personal Size Dominos with the student discount from the Freshers Fair.
Okay, it's hardly the most original of meals but you know what, a free dinner is a free dinner and I fancy pizza for the first time in ages so what the hell
Also, Paul Gilbert: "The Compassionate Mind". Good book, it's helped me a lot, might help some of you too : )
Keep strong, guys and gals!
Okay, it's hardly the most original of meals but you know what, a free dinner is a free dinner and I fancy pizza for the first time in ages so what the hell
Also, Paul Gilbert: "The Compassionate Mind". Good book, it's helped me a lot, might help some of you too : )
Keep strong, guys and gals!
I'm not going to quote your panicky bit later, I'm going to quote this because this is so incredibly optimistic, I'm leaving for uni tomorrow and I just found it so inspiring. Taking a major risk like eating pizza (okay maybe not a major risk for other people but contextually) is a massive step and the optimism behind it is great, but combined with the properly major event of starting uni, it's understandably a bit much. I just want to say, please don't let this overlap into the rest of your uni experience. Why should your ED stop you going to new societies, meeting new people, doing things you love?! It's not worth it! Really hope today was better and you can put all that behind you
Original post by diamonddust
Struggling so much I'm scared. 
I'll come back later.
I'll come back later.
Original post by Anonymous
Ok, so I just spent about 3 hours reading through this whole thread, and wow, you are all amazing.
I have a story to share, it may be triggering so I will put it in a spoiler. Please don't read it if you aren't having a good day. And I have to go anon as many people in my course at Uni know I'm on here. Noone has to read it, it just feels sort of... refreshing(?) typing it all out.
I wish you all luck, no doubt I will be posting the odd few words here and there I wish I didn't have to go anon, but I'm pretty well known in UCAS applications threads :/
I have a story to share, it may be triggering so I will put it in a spoiler. Please don't read it if you aren't having a good day. And I have to go anon as many people in my course at Uni know I'm on here. Noone has to read it, it just feels sort of... refreshing(?) typing it all out.
Spoiler
I wish you all luck, no doubt I will be posting the odd few words here and there
I wish I didn't have to go anon, but I'm pretty well known in UCAS applications threads :/Original post by Kebabbi
I'm not going to quote your panicky bit later, I'm going to quote this because this is so incredibly optimistic, I'm leaving for uni tomorrow and I just found it so inspiring. Taking a major risk like eating pizza (okay maybe not a major risk for other people but contextually) is a massive step and the optimism behind it is great, but combined with the properly major event of starting uni, it's understandably a bit much. I just want to say, please don't let this overlap into the rest of your uni experience. Why should your ED stop you going to new societies, meeting new people, doing things you love?! It's not worth it! Really hope today was better and you can put all that behind you
Thanks hun.
Best of luck for tomorrow! You made it! 
Original post by Kebabbi
I'm not going to quote your panicky bit later, I'm going to quote this because this is so incredibly optimistic, I'm leaving for uni tomorrow and I just found it so inspiring. Taking a major risk like eating pizza (okay maybe not a major risk for other people but contextually) is a massive step and the optimism behind it is great, but combined with the properly major event of starting uni, it's understandably a bit much. I just want to say, please don't let this overlap into the rest of your uni experience. Why should your ED stop you going to new societies, meeting new people, doing things you love?! It's not worth it! Really hope today was better and you can put all that behind you
Thanks Kebabbi. of course you're right, life is all about taking the risk to find yourself, I guess I just jumped in at the deep-end a bit quickly! I doubt it'll all be behind me for a while yet but I'm trying my best just like all of us. Met with the DSA advisor today to sort some stuff out regarding anxiety which has helped. Just waiting on my audition result for the Chamber Choir now! Hope things are alright for you and I wish you all the best for settling in at uni. : )
Today's goal-stop procrastinating and do some study reading
Original post by squiff93
why the **** can't i drink and not binge after, why just why!? i don't understnad it's like i don't care when i do it, but i ****ing care after why don't i just say no! now i have to spend tomorrow worrying about it 
i guess i don't care as much which is a positive, but it pisses me off, why can't i be a normal 18 year old. is it normal to binge when you drink? i don't know, i want to miss breakfast tomorrow to compensate but i don't, because it's not going to help me. I don't WANT to restrict to be honest, i WANT to be normal. I just want a decent relationship with food I want to eat healthily and never mess up. I don't know why i can't.
i guess i don't care as much which is a positive, but it pisses me off, why can't i be a normal 18 year old. is it normal to binge when you drink? i don't know, i want to miss breakfast tomorrow to compensate but i don't, because it's not going to help me. I don't WANT to restrict to be honest, i WANT to be normal. I just want a decent relationship with food I want to eat healthily and never mess up. I don't know why i can't.
Good on you for keeping breakfast in, Squiff, they don't call it the most important meal of the day for nothing! As long as you hold on to those truths-you WANT to be healthy, you WANT to have a decent relationship with food-you can do it, we know you can! But don't ever believe you'd also have to never mess up; that's part of being normal and human! I mean, think about all the people who plan to have a "clean" day of eating, but end up having something like a mocha latte or a slice of cake out with their mates on a surprise visit. They haven't "failed" by doing that, have they? It's their right to enjoy that treat with a friend, and just because it's not what you expected at the start of the day doesn't mean it's any worse. It happens to everyone; as my dietician said, there's no-one out there with the "perfect" diet, and nobody out there who never has a setback in any other aspect of their lives.
The only ones who have never failed are those who never tried in the first place. You try so hard, and eventually you'll get there.
Major high fives for such progress to my lovely TSR team. Haven't posted in a bit and it's nice to see everyone's still so determined and are enduring the tough times with dignity.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again.
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again.
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
Original post by Riku
Good on you for keeping breakfast in, Squiff, they don't call it the most important meal of the day for nothing! As long as you hold on to those truths-you WANT to be healthy, you WANT to have a decent relationship with food-you can do it, we know you can! But don't ever believe you'd also have to never mess up; that's part of being normal and human! I mean, think about all the people who plan to have a "clean" day of eating, but end up having something like a mocha latte or a slice of cake out with their mates on a surprise visit. They haven't "failed" by doing that, have they? It's their right to enjoy that treat with a friend, and just because it's not what you expected at the start of the day doesn't mean it's any worse. It happens to everyone; as my dietician said, there's no-one out there with the "perfect" diet, and nobody out there who never has a setback in any other aspect of their lives.
The only ones who have never failed are those who never tried in the first place. You try so hard, and eventually you'll get there.
The only ones who have never failed are those who never tried in the first place. You try so hard, and eventually you'll get there.
Ended up having a huge breakfast, keeping it down and not letting it ruin the day.
I've also decided to give becoming a vegan a try. I've always wanted to if i'm honest, but knew my parents wouldn't accept it, however i feel that moving out gives me even more independence around what i choose to eat and not to eat. My mum has come to terms with me not eating meat okay so i'm sure with time she'll learn to get used to it, although i'd much rather just never tell her.
I think changing my food has given me motivation to get better in a weird way. It means i'm more likely to eat different things more often and experiment with different kinds of food. I'm hoping that i'll be less scared of food as the 'danger' foods are off limits and I can start a new life with no pre-labled 'danger' foods as yet and i'm not intending to make any!
Well done for your positive attitude aswell! You sound nicely optimistic!
I'm pretty proud of myself for not letting today turn out how i thought it would this morning and how the day after a drink usually turns out! YAY!
Original post by sentiment
I really like Antiaris' idea back there to actually talk about OURSELVES, not our disorders.
This, so much.
The amount of times someone has pointed out that I'm doing something weird with food for me to reply "that's just the way I am."
No.
That's not the way I am, that's what this illness is making me be like. There are other farfar more important things about me. Like the fact that I refer to myself as a 'secret gangster', given my love for rap and oldskool 90s hip-hop music. Despite being a middle-class white girl
And that although I'm studying a humanities degree I'm passionate about music, and art. I don't draw so much anymore but when I do I really enjoy it, especially hands. I love drawing hands. I'd also love to be a musician. I do play guitar, I'm just terrible at writing songs :/Reducing ourselves down to this illness is to ignore the multitude of little quirks and passions that really make us who we are. And once you lose sight of who you are outside of this disorder it makes it so much easier for it to completely take over.
And I am just not willing to let it do that to me.
Original post by Riku
Thanks Kebabbi. of course you're right, life is all about taking the risk to find yourself, I guess I just jumped in at the deep-end a bit quickly! I doubt it'll all be behind me for a while yet but I'm trying my best just like all of us. Met with the DSA advisor today to sort some stuff out regarding anxiety which has helped. Just waiting on my audition result for the Chamber Choir now! Hope things are alright for you and I wish you all the best for settling in at uni. : )
Today's goal-stop procrastinating and do some study reading
Today's goal-stop procrastinating and do some study reading
Of course I didn't mean you could put it all behind you (I wish
) but I just mean I hope you can put that day behind you In this situation, 'jumping in at the deep end' as you put it is perhaps not the best approach - a little paddling in the shallow end before you wade in, maybe! Thanks, best of luck with the Chamber Choir too!Original post by TotoMimo
Major high fives for such progress to my lovely TSR team. Haven't posted in a bit and it's nice to see everyone's still so determined and are enduring the tough times with dignity.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again.
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again.
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
Really sorry you've had to put up with these comments
I know you know this already, but they really do mean well! It's difficult to know what to say, I think people often think that 'recovering' means 'recovered', not understanding that there's still the voice in your head twisting anything they say (because of course, it can be equally dangerous for someone to say 'you look like you weigh less than that'.) Good luck, pleeease keep it up, you're an inspiration to us all! 
Those comments must have been hard toto You know that they are only trying to be supportive by saying you are looking better. People just don't think about their compliments as possibly being hurtful.
Still loosing weight. It doesn't help that my doctors note keeps getting lost somehow on way to the uni as the uni never receives it from my practice back home.
"We can't offer you support without a medical note."
Where is it
You know that they are only trying to be supportive by saying you are looking better. People just don't think about their compliments as possibly being hurtful.Still loosing weight
Spoiler
"We can't offer you support without a medical note."
Where is it
Suchhhh a stressful week, and a stressful weekend ahead. Coping by doing the usual... OUCH. I wish I had someone here with me.
Original post by squiff93
Ended up having a huge breakfast, keeping it down and not letting it ruin the day.
I've also decided to give becoming a vegan a try. I've always wanted to if i'm honest, but knew my parents wouldn't accept it, however i feel that moving out gives me even more independence around what i choose to eat and not to eat. My mum has come to terms with me not eating meat okay so i'm sure with time she'll learn to get used to it, although i'd much rather just never tell her.
I think changing my food has given me motivation to get better in a weird way. It means i'm more likely to eat different things more often and experiment with different kinds of food. I'm hoping that i'll be less scared of food as the 'danger' foods are off limits and I can start a new life with no pre-labled 'danger' foods as yet and i'm not intending to make any!
Well done for your positive attitude aswell! You sound nicely optimistic!
I'm pretty proud of myself for not letting today turn out how i thought it would this morning and how the day after a drink usually turns out! YAY!
I've also decided to give becoming a vegan a try. I've always wanted to if i'm honest, but knew my parents wouldn't accept it, however i feel that moving out gives me even more independence around what i choose to eat and not to eat. My mum has come to terms with me not eating meat okay so i'm sure with time she'll learn to get used to it, although i'd much rather just never tell her.
I think changing my food has given me motivation to get better in a weird way. It means i'm more likely to eat different things more often and experiment with different kinds of food. I'm hoping that i'll be less scared of food as the 'danger' foods are off limits and I can start a new life with no pre-labled 'danger' foods as yet and i'm not intending to make any!
Well done for your positive attitude aswell! You sound nicely optimistic!
I'm pretty proud of myself for not letting today turn out how i thought it would this morning and how the day after a drink usually turns out! YAY!
Thanks you, and that's awesome news, well done! And I think that you could give veganism a go. Most people get concerned about the lack of protein involved but there's more good stuff in some beans lentils than most meat anyway!
http://giantfossilizedarmadillo.com/diy-recovery/recovery-after-weight-restoration/
Remember to bear the "intuitive eating" thing in mind (if it's too early for that, not a problem). Mainly the WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want it. Nothing off limits, as the only thing which is bad for you is lack and excess. So make sure you're going vegan for the right reasons.
Whatever works for you, all the ebst for it : )
Today's weigh-in could have been awful:
Spoiler
The last 24 hours have been pretty good other than that (although I doubt the Health thread will commend these!) Despite not really feeling up to it or even worthy of going, I managed the curry night social with my Dad again with only a minor panic attack, and today I've took advantage of the heatwave and savoured a beautiful ice-cream. Anime Society later, and as it stands this time I'm gonna face my fear and have a try.
I think this glorious weather's encouraging us to live a little
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by TotoMimo
Major high fives for such progress to my lovely TSR team. Haven't posted in a bit and it's nice to see everyone's still so determined and are enduring the tough times with dignity.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this .really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
I personally had a truly emotionally crippling moment where I met a friend who'd seen me at my worst and only just seen me again today at my new BMI of 16 (hoorah!!). She said "Oh, you look SO much better Tommy. You're getting yer wee cheeks back!" - a phrase my gran had used not too long ago. Hearing it once is tough, but for another person to notice/reinforce it made it superharsh.
For some reason this .really killed me and I spent the day in a bit of a slump. I continue to gain weight to get healthy; but when someone asks "What weight are you now?" and I say "About seven stone three, now!!" and the response is "Is that all? You do look a bit more than that" (something I heard a few days ago from my great aunt)... you can easily let ED take hold again
Thankfully I've blinkered myself to any thoughts of letting it win, and as such I continue day to day without letting my mind be tainted by the ED scum, even when every bone in my body screams with frustration.
The cheeks comment was something which used to get me badly too, Toto. It would be nice if people asked how we felt sometimes. Surely our own sense of self is the most important thing in the recovery process? : /
You just have to try to remember she's oblivious to any underlying inference that could be gathered from it, and what I think she's trying to express is she's glad that you're recovering so well.
Original post by Riku
Thanks you, and that's awesome news, well done! And I think that you could give veganism a go. Most people get concerned about the lack of protein involved but there's more good stuff in some beans lentils than most meat anyway!
http://giantfossilizedarmadillo.com/diy-recovery/recovery-after-weight-restoration/
Remember to bear the "intuitive eating" thing in mind (if it's too early for that, not a problem). Mainly the WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want it. Nothing off limits, as the only thing which is bad for you is lack and excess. So make sure you're going vegan for the right reasons.
Whatever works for you, all the ebst for it : )
Today's weigh-in could have been awful:
The last 24 hours have been pretty good other than that (although I doubt the Health thread will commend these!) Despite not really feeling up to it or even worthy of going, I managed the curry night social with my Dad again with only a minor panic attack, and today I've took advantage of the heatwave and savoured a beautiful ice-cream. Anime Society later, and as it stands this time I'm gonna face my fear and have a try.
I think this glorious weather's encouraging us to live a little
http://giantfossilizedarmadillo.com/diy-recovery/recovery-after-weight-restoration/
Remember to bear the "intuitive eating" thing in mind (if it's too early for that, not a problem). Mainly the WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want it. Nothing off limits, as the only thing which is bad for you is lack and excess. So make sure you're going vegan for the right reasons.
Whatever works for you, all the ebst for it : )
Today's weigh-in could have been awful:
Spoiler
The last 24 hours have been pretty good other than that (although I doubt the Health thread will commend these!) Despite not really feeling up to it or even worthy of going, I managed the curry night social with my Dad again with only a minor panic attack, and today I've took advantage of the heatwave and savoured a beautiful ice-cream. Anime Society later, and as it stands this time I'm gonna face my fear and have a try.
I think this glorious weather's encouraging us to live a little
i haven't eaten meat in years because i don't like the taste or texture, further ome i want to give pu milk because i have stomach ache really bad everytiday and i think i'm allergic to milk or lactose intllsernet or whatever,,, like i odjno but when i don't drink anymiilk i do generally feel better physicall,y, tonight i have drank abirt and yano i came in and ate, a tofu and hummus sandwich and also osme soup and broccolia nd i don't even feel that guilty, i feel like it's a good idea and by differenc t foods its easier to cope a bit, i think this idea is going tho work for me!
Today's been a disaster so far, I don't know what to do with myself. I hate what I'm doing to my body, but I can't help it. Fml.
Original post by squiff93
i haven't eaten meat in years because i don't like the taste or texture, further ome i want to give pu milk because i have stomach ache really bad everytiday and i think i'm allergic to milk or lactose intllsernet or whatever,,, like i odjno but when i don't drink anymiilk i do generally feel better physicall,y, tonight i have drank abirt and yano i came in and ate, a tofu and hummus sandwich and also osme soup and broccolia nd i don't even feel that guilty, i feel like it's a good idea and by differenc t foods its easier to cope a bit, i think this idea is going tho work for me!
YAY! Squiff, are you drunk/ ill because your typing is shot.
Original post by .snowflake.
YAY! Squiff, are you drunk/ ill because your typing is shot.
I was drunk, very drunk.
todays been so messed up, but i'm going to put it behind me, tomorrow i go to university, fresh start I think i'm going to be fine, i won't have loads of food and binging won't be an option, nor will purging my meals... i think a change of scene is all i need.
I feel soooo awful. Eurgh.
Original post by squiff93
I was drunk, very drunk. todays been so messed up, but i'm going to put it behind me, tomorrow i go to university, fresh start
I think i'm going to be fine, i won't have loads of food and binging won't be an option, nor will purging my meals... i think a change of scene is all i need.
todays been so messed up, but i'm going to put it behind me, tomorrow i go to university, fresh start I think i'm going to be fine, i won't have loads of food and binging won't be an option, nor will purging my meals... i think a change of scene is all i need.
Squiff, good luck with uni, work hard, don't get too ****ered on freshers!
