Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by Antiaris
Hoping to do Nutrition and Food Consumer Science. I've been interested in food and the food industry since I was... 4 years old, baking in my Grandmother's kitchen?
Also Riku, I went through the same thing. You crave something sweet, you have no idea what. When that happens I begin to look at other body parts and what they want. Am I cold? Then maybe something hot. Do my teeth need something? Something crunchy like a biscuit. Does it need a comforting fatty edge? Cake or chocolate.
I have to say though that it took a while to do. I honestly was terrified at the idea of chocolate, cake gave me palpitations, a tart was torture. One day though, I just went for it. I told myself that I would get that biscuit I craved. No excuses. I took in the fact, yes, it contains some bad stuff but also had some GOOD stuff. We can't get rid of the bad stuff in the biscuit, but we also can't get rid of the bad stuff in ourselves without letting in some of that biscuity goodness.
You just have to accept a biscuit isn't perfect, but perfect isn't always right...
Also Riku, I went through the same thing. You crave something sweet, you have no idea what. When that happens I begin to look at other body parts and what they want. Am I cold? Then maybe something hot. Do my teeth need something? Something crunchy like a biscuit. Does it need a comforting fatty edge? Cake or chocolate.
I have to say though that it took a while to do. I honestly was terrified at the idea of chocolate, cake gave me palpitations, a tart was torture. One day though, I just went for it. I told myself that I would get that biscuit I craved. No excuses. I took in the fact, yes, it contains some bad stuff but also had some GOOD stuff. We can't get rid of the bad stuff in the biscuit, but we also can't get rid of the bad stuff in ourselves without letting in some of that biscuity goodness.
You just have to accept a biscuit isn't perfect, but perfect isn't always right...
I completely understand, and yet for some reason refuse to understand. And I'll have to spoiler this in case it's insidiously triggering
Spoiler
Antiaris, I crave a solution to an unanswerable question. I crave peace and tranquility. I crave self-respect and self-satisfaction. And I crave being a normal teenager again rather than this sulky, whiny, cowardly and narcissistic brat I currently am. I have fleeting moments of recognition with the real me, but they escape far too soon every time.
I'd like to say thanks to anyone who read and or replied to my last post.
I find all of your replies refreshing, because sometimes I don't feel like anyone else in the world will understand why I'm down or what I'm going through.
Today, after a couple of weeks off work, someone said I had put on "sooo much weight" and that my face was much bigger. I am around 116 pounds (I broke my scale - on purpose lol) and about 5'1-5'2. Yes I was really depressed last week and started bingeing and purging again. And then I thought I'll have a clean slate this week, no-one will notice a couple of pounds, get a grip. And then I hear this. I wanted to run home crying, and I would have, did I not need the money so badly.
I am a grown woman with a flat and a job and REAL things to concentrate on, yet I'm back where I started. I have barely eaten today. And I won't go for treatment again because I think my psychiatrist will think I'm too big now for treatment. The cycle continues.....maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading anyway.
I find all of your replies refreshing, because sometimes I don't feel like anyone else in the world will understand why I'm down or what I'm going through.
Today, after a couple of weeks off work, someone said I had put on "sooo much weight" and that my face was much bigger. I am around 116 pounds (I broke my scale - on purpose lol) and about 5'1-5'2. Yes I was really depressed last week and started bingeing and purging again. And then I thought I'll have a clean slate this week, no-one will notice a couple of pounds, get a grip. And then I hear this. I wanted to run home crying, and I would have, did I not need the money so badly.
I am a grown woman with a flat and a job and REAL things to concentrate on, yet I'm back where I started. I have barely eaten today. And I won't go for treatment again because I think my psychiatrist will think I'm too big now for treatment. The cycle continues.....maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading anyway.
Original post by sidoraH
I'd like to say thanks to anyone who read and or replied to my last post.
I find all of your replies refreshing, because sometimes I don't feel like anyone else in the world will understand why I'm down or what I'm going through.
Today, after a couple of weeks off work, someone said I had put on "sooo much weight" and that my face was much bigger. I am around 116 pounds (I broke my scale - on purpose lol) and about 5'1-5'2. Yes I was really depressed last week and started bingeing and purging again. And then I thought I'll have a clean slate this week, no-one will notice a couple of pounds, get a grip. And then I hear this. I wanted to run home crying, and I would have, did I not need the money so badly.
I am a grown woman with a flat and a job and REAL things to concentrate on, yet I'm back where I started. I have barely eaten today. And I won't go for treatment again because I think my psychiatrist will think I'm too big now for treatment. The cycle continues.....maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading anyway.
I find all of your replies refreshing, because sometimes I don't feel like anyone else in the world will understand why I'm down or what I'm going through.
Today, after a couple of weeks off work, someone said I had put on "sooo much weight" and that my face was much bigger. I am around 116 pounds (I broke my scale - on purpose lol) and about 5'1-5'2. Yes I was really depressed last week and started bingeing and purging again. And then I thought I'll have a clean slate this week, no-one will notice a couple of pounds, get a grip. And then I hear this. I wanted to run home crying, and I would have, did I not need the money so badly.
I am a grown woman with a flat and a job and REAL things to concentrate on, yet I'm back where I started. I have barely eaten today. And I won't go for treatment again because I think my psychiatrist will think I'm too big now for treatment. The cycle continues.....maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading anyway.
No-one's "too big" for treatment. You're equating size with self-worth. There's no correlation, or at least there ought not to be. If you feel this bad, you ought to get the treatment.
The "big face" concept for me is one of the most horrific parts of dealing with issues around my food and weight, because to me it represents the reversion to this childlike state of mind. But that is again psychological, and we are all children inside deserving and in need of love, attention and respect. Until you can dismiss the mirror's judgment, the judgment of a cruel and shallow society-until I too can dismiss it, because I'm not talking from a recovered perspective yet-we will never be free of this. But that day will come, with faith.
Original post by sophiemay20
My doctor said I have to wait until January for sessions with a psychotherapist, I can't deal with this any more. I feel empty, like this is all that's left of me. I can't get out of this cycle, my head is everywhere, I can't control my emotions and going in and out of denial over what I do all the time. There's just no way out, I'm stuck.
There is always a way out. Always. Otherwise no one would ever recover, and loads of people have recovered from an eating disorder. 
There's hope for us yet!Basically, a 3 month wait is pretty standard for psychotherapy sessions, but that's not to say it's a good thing. When my doctor said something like this to me, my Dad dragged me to the doctor and said his side of the story - the therapy came a lot quicker then. If anyone else knows about your ED, get them to come with you for an appointment and hopefully your therapy will be brought forward.
Until then, get all the support you can from the people around you, whether it's teachers, friends, family, pets.. whoever! Everyone on this thread is here to listen to what's on your mind. Oh, and don't forget www.b-eat.co.uk - when I was in a crisis I emailed them and got a reply fairly quickly. Please look after yourself, you deserve a lot better than this, I promise.
I personally went to get help in December 2010. I got to see a mental health nurse in May. I began psychotherapy in August 2011.
Honestly push as much as you can. I would have become a lot worse if my family and I didn't research treatments in the meantime.
I fought, I tried and I pushed myself further psychologically than I ever have before. Treatment from the NHS is good, but you need to begin getting better in yourself first. Nobody else can make you get better, you've got to decide in yourself to get better. Meditate, speak with your inner self. Believe in yourself strongly enough so that you CAN get better.
Honestly push as much as you can. I would have become a lot worse if my family and I didn't research treatments in the meantime.
I fought, I tried and I pushed myself further psychologically than I ever have before. Treatment from the NHS is good, but you need to begin getting better in yourself first. Nobody else can make you get better, you've got to decide in yourself to get better. Meditate, speak with your inner self. Believe in yourself strongly enough so that you CAN get better.
Original post by Antiaris
I personally went to get help in December 2010. I got to see a mental health nurse in May. I began psychotherapy in August 2011.
Honestly push as much as you can. I would have become a lot worse if my family and I didn't research treatments in the meantime.
I fought, I tried and I pushed myself further psychologically than I ever have before. Treatment from the NHS is good, but you need to begin getting better in yourself first. Nobody else can make you get better, you've got to decide in yourself to get better. Meditate, speak with your inner self. Believe in yourself strongly enough so that you CAN get better.
Honestly push as much as you can. I would have become a lot worse if my family and I didn't research treatments in the meantime.
I fought, I tried and I pushed myself further psychologically than I ever have before. Treatment from the NHS is good, but you need to begin getting better in yourself first. Nobody else can make you get better, you've got to decide in yourself to get better. Meditate, speak with your inner self. Believe in yourself strongly enough so that you CAN get better.
I wish I could say that I wanted to get better, but the honest to God truth is, I don't. I wonder how long it will take me to reach that stage.
Be strong everyone
Probably Triggery...
Probably Triggery...
Spoiler
Original post by sentiment
I wish I could say that I wanted to get better, but the honest to God truth is, I don't. I wonder how long it will take me to reach that stage.
It happened to me when my Mum broke into tears in front of the therapist.
I admit, saying you want to do it and actually WANTING to do it are very different things. I can't make you want to, you just need to want to live, for yourself or for others because otherwise you WILL die from this wretched thing. Sentiment, we don't want you to die.
People don't want to see you ill.
You are lovely and amazing, remember that. Live for that. Live to let out the amazing in you.
Original post by Antiaris
It happened to me when my Mum broke into tears in front of the therapist.
I admit, saying you want to do it and actually WANTING to do it are very different things. I can't make you want to, you just need to want to live, for yourself or for others because otherwise you WILL die from this wretched thing. Sentiment, we don't want you to die.
People don't want to see you ill.
You are lovely and amazing, remember that. Live for that. Live to let out the amazing in you.
I admit, saying you want to do it and actually WANTING to do it are very different things. I can't make you want to, you just need to want to live, for yourself or for others because otherwise you WILL die from this wretched thing. Sentiment, we don't want you to die.
People don't want to see you ill.
You are lovely and amazing, remember that. Live for that. Live to let out the amazing in you.
You are clearly a wonderful, wonderful person. I wish I knew how to express that better.
Original post by briesandwich There is always a way out. Always. Otherwise no one would ever recover, and loads of people have recovered from an eating disorder. There's hope for us yet!
Basically, a 3 month wait is pretty standard for psychotherapy sessions, but that's not to say it's a good thing. When my doctor said something like this to me, my Dad dragged me to the doctor and said his side of the story - the therapy came a lot quicker then. If anyone else knows about your ED, get them to come with you for an appointment and hopefully your therapy will be brought forward.
Until then, get all the support you can from the people around you, whether it's teachers, friends, family, pets.. whoever! Everyone on this thread is here to listen to what's on your mind. Oh, and don't forget www.b-eat.co.uk - when I was in a crisis I emailed them and got a reply fairly quickly. Please look after yourself, you deserve a lot better than this, I promise.
There is always a way out. Always. Otherwise no one would ever recover, and loads of people have recovered from an eating disorder. There's hope for us yet!Basically, a 3 month wait is pretty standard for psychotherapy sessions, but that's not to say it's a good thing. When my doctor said something like this to me, my Dad dragged me to the doctor and said his side of the story - the therapy came a lot quicker then. If anyone else knows about your ED, get them to come with you for an appointment and hopefully your therapy will be brought forward.
Until then, get all the support you can from the people around you, whether it's teachers, friends, family, pets.. whoever! Everyone on this thread is here to listen to what's on your mind. Oh, and don't forget www.b-eat.co.uk - when I was in a crisis I emailed them and got a reply fairly quickly. Please look after yourself, you deserve a lot better than this, I promise.
You are so lovely
He said the reason why it's going to take so long is because the psychotherapist in my area has just retired and isn't being replaced until January. And it's not just me that needs help, I'm sure that there's a lot of other people in the exact same position. He said he'll do his best to ring around for other services though and he said he wants to see me once a week so he can keep an eye on me.
It just freaks me out that I'm stuck in this cycle that I have no control of and have to wait a while for proper help. Because I can't do it on my own.. I'm trying but this ED wins over me every single day because I'm too weak and pathetic to fight it. I feel like I'm losing everything and I can't take it any more.
Hi, I've recovered from an eating disorder I had two years back, (I couldn't eat food for a while and wouldn't feel hungry). I'm back to normal body weight, got a curvy figure, eat food as normal and am generally quite confident...
..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.
..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.
I spend a lot of time reading food menus online...and thinking about cooking hahah. It's pathetic.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi, I've recovered from an eating disorder I had two years back, (I couldn't eat food for a while and wouldn't feel hungry). I'm back to normal body weight, got a curvy figure, eat food as normal and am generally quite confident...
..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.
..But for some reason, when I'm feeling slightly stressed, I find it hard to a bit hard to in restaurants. I feel a bit sickly and no matter how hungry I felt before, I no longer feel so hungry after ordering the food so I end up not eating so much. It wouldn't be that much of a problem because when I get home I eat again as normal, but this is wasting a lot of my money and some help would be appreciated.
This does suck, the amount of times I've said "I'm ready for that big bowl of pasta!" or "Let's try the cake!" only to enter a full-blown panic attack mouthful by mouthful...it'll get better, I promise.
It's normal for even an outgoing foodie to feel a little self-conscious eating in a restaurant alone, so to add the lingering insecurity of a previous ED is one heck of a burden. All the same, it is also your right to eat there-you paid for the meal, so it's yours for the taking and no-one else can or should question that. Ask yourself: what is it in particular about eating out that you don't like? Is it the lack of control (not knowing what food you'll have, whether it'll be cooked in a safe fashion for you or the portions will be too big and so on) or is it more a feeling of vulnerability, maybe of being watched and judged? Because I can assure you, no-one's going to poison you and no-one is judging you or even watching you eat. If we were to put this from a selfish perspective, most other customers won't even notice you being there, they'll be that preoccupied with their own meal! ? I find that company makes the difference for me between a meal being pleasurable and memorable or a nightmare scenario where anything could happen.Would it help to start going with friends or family you trust first?
Original post by sentiment
I spend a lot of time reading food menus online...and thinking about cooking hahah. It's pathetic.
It's not pathetic in the slightest-I bet most of us here have done this, me being no exception-but it is a sign of this growing more obsessive. Reading menus in particular is equivalent to eating only with the "safe food" list; it creates short-term security but further reinforces the threat of the unknown in the long-term. It requires incredible courage, but you may find the best dish you have is one served blindfolded!
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Doctors tomorrow (I have to go to see him weekly), I'm feeling a tad anxious and I don't know why. Btw, has anyone here not told their parents/family about their ED's? I just can't get myself to at all.. they'll never understand.
Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you x
Original post by Riku
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you
x(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Riku
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
We'll all be thinking of you, Riku!
Original post by Riku
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Riku, I don't really know what to say (lordy knows I can't articulate myself as eloquently as you), I just hope you know how fab you are and how much you've helped people on here. But you're right, it's time to focus on yourself. I just wish you all the luck in the world, you special saucepan you!
And please PLEASE (to the power of 10) get help for the SI and suicidal thoughts. I've honestly been in that place and it was pretty much the end of the line and the most horrific thing I've ever done. I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you WILL one day see things differently and you'll wish so badly that you asked for help sooner. Honestly sweetheart. Don't end up like me with permanent and obvious scars and a black mark on my records forever (cue violin!). My troubles escalated due to insommnia too, so get the doc to prescribe you sleeping tablets. INSIST! It might make a difference. I think you're on the right track anyway, just got to be brave now lambkin!
hugz and lovez XO
Original post by Riku
Okay, much as I love you guys I need to get off this and the Internet in general for a while. I'm spending wayy too much time solving other people's problems and not my own. I'm not doing my work (assessed essay in next week, barely researched it), I always feel tired, I'm getting increasingly irrational thoughts and have lapsed into my old ways a bit (although eating some cashews earlier is a start in the right direction), I'm definitely obsessing around food (half an hour in Tesco just staring at a blueberry muffin I didn't even really want doesn't seem that normal to me), I can't beat the panic around exercise yet or the panic around meals and perhaps most importantly, I'm struggling to sleep. I'm even turning to SH and attempted suicide because I'm so convinced that death is inevitable, that's never happened before. Generally speaking I feel awful and to carry on preaching like this when I'm relapsing is just hypocritical. I'm seeing the doctor about it all on Monday, may have to return to the Services or just get on some meds.
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Somebody please rant at me if they see me pop up too much? Unless it's actually a "help I'm dying" message of course!)
Laters
Love you Riku! Hope you know how much of a help you've been and I really really hope you get some help and feel better soon. You need to focus on yourself and get yourself as well and mentally and physically healthy as possible. 
Original post by sophiemay20
Doctors tomorrow (I have to go to see him weekly), I'm feeling a tad anxious and I don't know why. Btw, has anyone here not told their parents/family about their ED's? I just can't get myself to at all.. they'll never understand.
Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you x
Not sure if I've spoken to you before but oh goodness, I think a break may do you good.. focus on your work. Good luck at the doctors and take good care of yourself (and please don't do anything too rational). I'll be thinking of you
xMost of my family know but they don't really understand anything about it. I never *told* them that I had an ED, my mum was the one who told me that I had anorexia before my doctors even realised and the rest of my family found out when I was admitted. Them knowing makes things worse because they're so patronising and triggering. I thought being at uni would help make things better but... no such luck.
Original post by Riku
.
Original post by diamonddust
.
You guys are amazing
-------------------
Grrr I can't just have a bit of sweet things, has to be all of it
Will get the balance right someday.... 
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by diamonddust
I thought being at uni would help make things better but... no such luck.
I thought being at uni would help make things better but... no such luck.
Is someone in your halls being horrid to you, or because no ones there to go 'Oi, DD, get some food in the orifice in the front of your face' your not.
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