The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Ah it's good knowing other people feel the same way. Especially with the food and stuff. Realllly starting to crave some things now, trying to figure who's best to ask a little food parcel from ha - I don't think I could live with Japanese food, French food is pretty similar but there are some things they don't do. Cheddar cheese for one. I can't be doing with all their endless fancy cheeses to be honest. Also yeah, cider. I finally found the tiny cider section last night in the supermarket. But it's different, they had a choice between 'doux' and 'bulle' so I figured the latter would be quite strong and got the doux...basically I've bought very slightly alcoholic apple juice. It tastes very nice, but it's not Magners. I was shocked when I found out it was 2%! I can't wait for a roast dinner in a PROPER pub frankly.
I'm pretty tired myself too to be honest and it's not a ridiculous work schedule/lifestyle or anything. I think just constant language immersion and tedious bus commutes are tiring me out.
I wouldn't worry about the change in times/routines. You'll settle into a new pattern and it'll start to feel normal.
I just had a phone call from a very hungover boyfriend, it's probably good he was hungover though because it meant that my own mood probably wasn't as obvious, and I didn't want to worry him (because I know he will) by saying I feel crap still.
Gah, if only my flatmate was home, or atleast some of my friends were online, I'd have a distraction.

I just want to forget him
I just want to move on with my life, I need the courage to cut him off and stop talking to him... it's killing me

*hug*

I know it's impossibly hard right now, but this is where being in a LDR can actually be beneficial. Throw yourself into your life there, because he's not a part of it and you're not going to bump into him in the supermarket and bring back all this misery.
For a guy to miss you and question his decision, he needs you to actually leave first. It's the hardest thing in the world at the time but you need to be strong - delete off facebook, delete his number, go completely no-contact and focus on your own life and moving forward.

Hi, don't post on TSR often, but wanted advice on the long distance thing.

I had a gf for about 2 years, we broke up once or twice in the summer before uni (I'm now a second year), and got back together in first term of freshers. I feel I may have treated her badly in the relationship, not in any harmful way, but by maybe not loving her enough or letting her know that I do, or even being there emotionally at all.

We go to different unis, only an hour, maybe hour and a half away however, and I have a car so I can see her whenever. But we have only seen each other twice this semester, both during freshers week start of October. I was ill the week after and she's been busy or back home for the other week or so ( She claims). We are both very busy with uni as we both do science degrees, I have offered to come see her whenever she was free, but she said she would have to see. Although the avoidance is probably because when we saw each other the in October, it was kind of distant and there wasn't much communication.

So that's the general background, I know there is always going to be a problem in any relationship I'm in at the moment, even with 'friends', of which I have none, I would say I have acquaintances as opposed to friends. I think this is because of my emotional issues. I don't know why but I often feel emotionless and find it impossible to say what I feel. I feel I have an eating disorder aswell possibly, I have been going from starving to binging for around a year. I use a appetite suppressant to allow myself to eat only a pack of meat in the evenings. I don't do this out of vanity or anything, I just can't seem to be comfortable in my own clothes/body, if I'm not starving I'm out of control, neglect studies and buy loads of food (Last week was one of those bad weeks, I spent about £30 a day on food and ate it on that day.) I don't seem to feel emotion, just numb. When she broke up with me I didn't feel anything, I felt kind of sad and I knew the call she was going to make was going to be about breaking up, I was shakey and nervous before the call but when she spoke to me, I froze up, I tried to speak but couldn't say more than mumble yes/no/I don't know/ etc, she was crying during the call. Afterwards I cut myself on the arm, and I done it again and again for the past few days, they're very minor, but enough so that I have to hide my arm in public. I don't think I'm doing it as a cry for attention, I don't want my ex to see it, it's just a way of feeling something, I want to feel sad, I want to feel like crying, but I don't, not even a single tear was shed during or after that phonecall, I don't think I've shed a tear since our first break up last year summer.
I want to get her back, I don't know how, I don't know if i should. I'm clearly damaged and she could do much better, everytime I see her I'm moody and tired cz I'm starving myself. What should I do?

Cliffs/ Extras
- GF of 2 years broke up with me
- Eating disorder (she knows about, worries but doesn't care too much, tries to tempt me to eat by talking about going to restaurants etc.)
- self-harmed after she broke up with me
- emotionally unavailable to her or anyone ( barely say more than few words to even my parents on the phone)

Sorry about the ridiculously long message, I don't think I could really trim it down without missing something, I just need some advice!

That sounds awful I've been through that stuff too as I have a mental health diagnosis and when it's mixed with relationship issues, it's not good. I used to cut, and just before I broke up with my last boyfriend I was skin and bones due to antidepressants reducing my appetite to nothing. He was trying very hard to help me, but I couldn't keep it up and I felt relieved after I didn't have the pressure of a relationship anymore.

Does your ex know about this stuff? Does she know how you feel about her? I think you're not doing yourself any good by trying to get her back before you've fixed yourself. Find someone to talk to, not her.

Thanks for answering, she only knows I have a bit of an eating disorder, I haven't told her about using suppressants, I haven't spoken to her since the phonecall, she seems to be getting on ok herself which is why I'm hesitant to contact her. I still have her on twitter/facebook, and she has been clubbing twice this week and seems to planning to go again this weekend, she changed the relationship status to single aswell. I honestly don't know what she thinks I feel about her, I have a hard time expressing my emotions to anyone, in person is especially difficult! So many times I have even wanted to post on forums and try and share, but have stopped at the last minute. I merely lurk over various ones to see if anyone is going through the same. I've only decided now because she seems to be moving on already and I seem to be retreating inwards. I literally have no-one else to talk to, a mate or two in my course who I work with and a few from my hometown that I have grown apart from. My ex was really the only person I hung out with and felt closest too. But something inside of me seems to stop myself from having any emotion to give to her, I don't even think I could explain what causes me to be like this to anyone, I don't even know myself why!!

Anyone have any advice for someone who's partner is planning on studying in another country?

Anyone have any advice for someone who's partner is planning on studying in another country?

(For 3-5 years, and I am doubtful we'll have enough money to buy flights to see each other apart from maybe once or twice a year)

I stick by what I said earlier - it is not good for you to keep checking up on her and watching her get on with her life, while you aren't getting on with yours. I would suggest deleting her from facebook and twitter, difficult as it may be and focus on yourself. I believe there is a reason why people break up, and there's no use trying to fix it while you are still in the same position.

I know what it's like to feel like you have no one you can talk to, because I also have few friends and part of my mental health issue is that I have big problems trusting anyone or letting anyone help me. You don't have to spill your heart out to anyone, but it might help just to meet up with a couple of friends for a drink or just for company every now and again. Get out of the house, go out even if you don't feel like it. Maybe start a new hobby or do something new you've always wanted to do. Last time I was really low, I decided I was going to start training for my bike test and it was one of the best things I ever did - I had a lot of fun doing it, and met loads of new people, and I passed my test three months later!

As for your eating disorder and other problems, I am reluctant to suggest it due to my own experiences, but try seeing your GP or university counselling service. Maybe they will be more helpful than mine - my CBT therapist decided there was nothing more he could do with me, and my GP just put me from one medication to the next. If not, just feeling better about yourself can help a great deal, by following the above advice.

Anyone have any advice for someone who's partner is planning on studying in another country?

I do Don't make my mistake, don't look all sad and full of regret because he's "going away from you".

Embrace and accept the idea that is for your (both of you) own good...a foreign university is his dream, therefore he wouldn't be happy if he had to give it up, and would resent you in the long run. You don't want that, because you love him and wanna be with him.

Instead, be as supportive as you can be: see this as an opportunity for him to enrich his knowledge and experience, which will make him a better person. Also, keep in mind that it is for a *limited* amount of time (how long is he planning to study there?)
And, last but not least...h o l i d a y s s s ! You can go there and see him, and you can explore the country together. It'll be fun.

I'm telling you this because I wasn't really supportive with my better half...I went all emotional and reacted in a way I shouldn't have...and it was a very silly thing to do, and it brought him -among other things that didn't go well anyways- to go away from me.

Basically, if you think that you can trust his commitment, be supportive. Help him looking for info on the uni and courses, do a little research on the country/town he's moving to, help him prepare everything for his trip...make it *fun*.

Then have a seat and discuss on how your relationship is going to change...talk about ways to stay in touch (skype, msn, whatsapp, skebby..) and make plans to see one another.

Buy him a camera. And a picture of you two.
And keep in mind...everything is going to be okay