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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Hello,
I was wondering if anyone on here could offer me some advice. I'm currently living in Spain while my boyfriends in the UK. We're both still using our UK mobiles to call eachother but this is getting ridiculously expensive!! He can't use skype because he doesn't have internet access in his house (he does at his mums which is just round the corner but at the moment his laptops broken and he can't afford a new one!)

We've been pretty much talking to eachother pretty much every day so the mobile thing can't go on! (this month my phone bill was more than my rent!) I know we should cut down on talking to one another but that really doesn't feel like an option because I'm stupidly missing him and hating being apart so I need our phone calls to cheer me up! :smile:

Basically I'm just asking if anyone can suggest a cheap option for us? I don't mind spending some money because christmas is coming up but I'm on a very low budget (so I probably couldnt afford a new laptop for him) maybe a cheap phone with skype or something? I don't have a clue about technology stuff so some help would be appreciated!!

Thanks :smile:

xxx

Hey I just thought I'd chip in on this one! My suggestion isn't quite what you have in mind but it's a huuuuuuge money saver! I got a blackberry on pay as you go and my boy has a blackberry too. I pay £15 a month on O2 and I get free data included in that which allows me to use my bbm to message the boy from Italy/Spain (when I go there in feb) for free! I don't have any suggestions for calling without Internet but I hope that helps a little!

Original post by ohdrama

he basically told me that our relationship will most likely be over if i move to england next year. yeah, great.

we're here if you want to talk!

Reply 7001

TurkeyDinosaur

I read alot about expensive phonecalls in international ldrs. If your on o2 they do International favourites... i pay £10 a month for 4000 mins to the USA (USA mobiles count as landlines so get loads of minutes), and they also give you a number to give to them which will mean they can call you for free. other providers probably do something similar too?

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 7002

kikikaur

Original post by Raindancer

Basically I'm just asking if anyone can suggest a cheap option for us? I don't mind spending some money because christmas is coming up but I'm on a very low budget (so I probably couldnt afford a new laptop for him) maybe a cheap phone with skype or something? I don't have a clue about technology stuff so some help would be appreciated!!

Thanks :smile:

xxx

Hey! I'm in a similar situation.. My boyfriend's been studying in Spain since September and the cheapest deal I found was Tesco International calling cards (just Google them) which is 6p per min. My boyfriend got a Spanish number and I just ring him whenever need be.. I did find I had to increase my inclusive minutes with my network provider because we call each other more often now, and the bills so much more cheaper than when I first started off (doing exactly what you do!) Hope this helps! xx

Reply 7003

Anonymous #410

Please read/post on my thread - need advice!

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=35434746#post35434746

Thanks

Reply 7004

Jess Holly

The boy's just got back from his first semester at uni (we saw each other every month/6 weeks, so obviously not as bad as some of you guys) and I've just stayed at his for the weekend :smile:

things might actually be better now than before he went, I think we appreciate each other more now time's limited (and now I've met them I'm pretty confident him and his flatmates won't be shagging each other :L)

Not to brag, just sayin' there's a light at the end of the tunnel :smile:

Reply 7005

Anonymous #410

I have been with my boyfriend for a bit over 3 years. We are both 18, and went to uni this September 2 hours apart.

I'm loving my new life at university so much - I've made some great friends and am really enjoying being away from home, where I had been very stressed and unhappy due to both family problems and a lack of decent friends. I always had my boyfriend to rely on, but I now feel like I want to move on and 'discover who I am' (sounds stupid). I also feel like I associate my boyfriend with my 'old' life, and this is unfair on him as he has made me very happy for the time we've been together (despite hurting me quite badly over this time).

We've been together since we were 15. I've basically never been single, and would love to experience the independence of being single, which I now feel I have the confidence to do.

I realise this sounds like I've only been using my boyfriend for support, and I must sound like a horrible person. But I was wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation, and what they had done.

I haven't gone into too much detail here so ask for more info

Thank you!

Reply 7006

kat91s

11

He's on the plane to see me right now! No delays yet. I'm getting ready to travel to Kyoto tomorrow and it's snowing here so hopefully my travel won't be disrupted either. :smile:

I can't believe it's almost here, after 12 weeks!

Reply 7007

Deyesy

20

Casually breaking down after coming home from seeing my girlfriend :frown:

I'm going to study like MAD, so she's off my mind

Reply 7008

Dia-Dhuit

Happy Christmas everyone! Hugs to everyone struggling with their LDR over the holidays; I know I am. Here's to hoping you both have a lovely day and a lovely long phonecall/skype/text/etc :smile:

The promise of my 3PM phone convo (we've scheduled it when we know our fams will be busy with the queen's speech - heehee).

Reply 7009

Mcnubn

1

Gah, need some advice on a slight issue...

We've been apart for about 19weeks now, and its 3 weeks until she'll be visiting. We've been talking for a few hours everyday, but the past few days the conversation has kind of dried up and now she's getting upset at me because I haven't got much to talk about -.-

Never lead an action packed life, but really dont want to grow apart, especially as we've been looking forward to this visit for weeks

Reply 7010

fxyz

9

Okay.. Anyone open to give me advice please?

Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He lives veeery far away so I get to see him like, what twiice a year due to family stuff and finances. When we speak oh lord I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He is constantly telling me he loves me and misses me and wishes I was with him there. He sends me soo many gifts and cards to the extent that half my clothes and jewelry are gifts he sent me.

The problem is that we dont actually speak much. His idea of 'speaking' is a few random texts during the day I believe. I understand that he has a very busy full-time job as a manager and that he has a social life, but does he really need to stumble home every morning at 2 after a night as a sheesha lounge? I'm not asking him to dedicate his every waking moment to me.. I just want him to come home straight from work once or twice a week and spend the night with me.

The bigger problem however is that when I try to discuss my problems about him with him, it turns completely upside down. He has a real way with words and suddenly I feel like he's in the right and I'm in the wrong. I feel like I'm asking for too much and I'm complaining about something petty and I'm terribly hard to satisfy and can never be satisfied. It makes me feel awful. And if he ever does seem to listen without making me feel terribly guilty, it doesn't last for very long before he goes back to his normal ways.

What baffles me the most is that he tells me I'm always his first priority and that nothing comes before me and that he would sacrifice his social life for me. Its not just that he's saying this. I have contact with his sisters and friends and even they all tell me he is obsessed about me and loves me to bits. To the extent that this one girl who likes him since they were little kids who absolutely abhorrrrrrs me even told me he's crazy about me. This baffles me. I mean why does he choose to spend like 14/15 nights with his friends if he loves me that much?

Any ideas?
Btw thank you for reading all this if you have!! Really means alot!! <3

Reply 7011

MysteryPass

8

Original post by fxyz

Okay.. Anyone open to give me advice please?

Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He lives veeery far away so I get to see him like, what twiice a year due to family stuff and finances. When we speak oh lord I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He is constantly telling me he loves me and misses me and wishes I was with him there. He sends me soo many gifts and cards to the extent that half my clothes and jewelry are gifts he sent me.

The problem is that we dont actually speak much. His idea of 'speaking' is a few random texts during the day I believe. I understand that he has a very busy full-time job as a manager and that he has a social life, but does he really need to stumble home every morning at 2 after a night as a sheesha lounge? I'm not asking him to dedicate his every waking moment to me.. I just want him to come home straight from work once or twice a week and spend the night with me.

The bigger problem however is that when I try to discuss my problems about him with him, it turns completely upside down. He has a real way with words and suddenly I feel like he's in the right and I'm in the wrong. I feel like I'm asking for too much and I'm complaining about something petty and I'm terribly hard to satisfy and can never be satisfied. It makes me feel awful. And if he ever does seem to listen without making me feel terribly guilty, it doesn't last for very long before he goes back to his normal ways.

What baffles me the most is that he tells me I'm always his first priority and that nothing comes before me and that he would sacrifice his social life for me. Its not just that he's saying this. I have contact with his sisters and friends and even they all tell me he is obsessed about me and loves me to bits. To the extent that this one girl who likes him since they were little kids who absolutely abhorrrrrrs me even told me he's crazy about me. This baffles me. I mean why does he choose to spend like 14/15 nights with his friends if he loves me that much?

Any ideas?
Btw thank you for reading all this if you have!! Really means alot!! <3

I know exactly how you feel; that first paragraph explains my partner and I. And in all honesty he didn't see communication the way I do, even now when we're in a close distance relationship. I'd like to ring him every day for maybe five or ten minutes, but he didn't like talking on the phone, so a few texts a day kept him satisfied.

And even now, he turns our problems upside down in the exact same way you've just described. He'll shout and he'll make it seem like my fault, and he'll think that he's in the right and won't let me put my point across. I honestly know how it feels.

Firstly; I think you need to attack the 'problems' issue. Simply because it's hard enough being in a Long Distance Relationship without having someone not listen to what you say, then be blamed for something. That's really tough. I wouldn't suggest doing it over text, email or MSN; because the way you write something can be taken the wrong way. If you're able to talk to him over the phone or on Skype, it'll be much easier to let him know how you're feeling. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing.

Secondly; I think you should address the 14/15 nights with his friends. I'm guessing you're wanting to have just a night or two with him. That's what I got from what you wrote, tell him that you want just a night or two a week where you can ring him or be on Skype with him for a few hours just talking, telling each other how your week has been. I don't think it's too much to ask for, since you don't get to see each other very much. Tell him that you feel like you don't talk as much and you want a night or two a week just to catch up and see each other.

Hope my advice was able to help you a little (:

Reply 7012

HeatherM

Looks like I'm joining your ranks. :P

Is it hardest in the beginning?

Reply 7013

finola_94

Hi. I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. I'm planning to go to uni in September and he is in a full-time job at home. I hate the idea of breaking up with him before I go to uni, but i'm not sure if an LDR will work. What's the best tip to make an LDR work? x

Reply 7014

Zebracolors

Original post by HeatherM

Looks like I'm joining your ranks. :P

Is it hardest in the beginning?

Welcome Heather. It can be very difficult at the beginning but that is why, at some point, you need to make plans to be together permanently if that is what you both want. That gives you something to work towards and maybe offer comfort when you are really missing the other. But when that will happen is entirely up to decisions and things going on in your life.

Original post by finola_94

Hi. I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. I'm planning to go to uni in September and he is in a full-time job at home. I hate the idea of breaking up with him before I go to uni, but i'm not sure if an LDR will work. What's the best tip to make an LDR work? x

Absolutely its both trust and communication. When you can't be around the other all the time you need what ever contact and communication you can get. Also it helps when your partner is open with you and tells you what is going on, and the other probably would feel same. If you felt like the other is keeping secrets, you'll just be miserable all the time. Which brings me to the issue of trust. When the other is worth placing your trust in, then do it. However if you worry all the time about if they are cheating on you, then again, you'll just make yourself miserable.

That said, its good of you to be honest with him. Because also for an LDR to work, both should feel the other is worth the roller coaster ride of highs and lows. If you don't want to be in that kind of relationship, I really can't blame you, they can be difficult, I know. But he should also understand and be at least accepting of your feelings, if you decide to break up from him.

Reply 7015

DrGalago

1

So my other half is going to Sydney for 4 months in february :frown:

The closer it gets the harder I seem to be finding the concept. We've been together for over a year, and lived together in halls the whole time, so I'm really going to miss him not being around all the time. In a funny kind of way I feel a bit like the build up to him leaving is going to be worse than when he has actually gone and I'm just getting on with being busy all the time. Has anyone else found this? It's been particularly hard over christmas, as he's been staying at uni to work and I've spent 2 weeks at home, and it's dragged because I've been missing him. If this is just 2 weeks, what on earth am I to do with 4 months?!
Also, does anyone have any tips on handling the 11 hour time difference? In uni holidays we usually fb chat for a few hours in the evenings, but obviously we're going to have to find a different way of working things.
So yeah, just checking in here, have a feeling it could be useful come feb. Any advice generally?
Thanks :smile:

Reply 7016

Georges Duroy

Original post by DrGalago

So my other half is going to Sydney for 4 months in february :frown:

The closer it gets the harder I seem to be finding the concept. We've been together for over a year, and lived together in halls the whole time, so I'm really going to miss him not being around all the time. In a funny kind of way I feel a bit like the build up to him leaving is going to be worse than when he has actually gone and I'm just getting on with being busy all the time. Has anyone else found this? It's been particularly hard over christmas, as he's been staying at uni to work and I've spent 2 weeks at home, and it's dragged because I've been missing him. If this is just 2 weeks, what on earth am I to do with 4 months?!
Also, does anyone have any tips on handling the 11 hour time difference? In uni holidays we usually fb chat for a few hours in the evenings, but obviously we're going to have to find a different way of working things.
So yeah, just checking in here, have a feeling it could be useful come feb. Any advice generally?
Thanks :smile:

Hi there

You need to realise that first of all, 4 months is really not a long time at all for a LDR. There are plenty of people on here who would envy such a short period of time away from their 'other halves'. So whilst it may seem daunting as you've never done this before, it's really not THAT bad :smile:

As for handling the time difference, You need to both find a time each day which convenient for you both to skype. For example, if you are free at lunch time and he is free around 11pm then you can organise an hour to chat then. Keep on sending texts, writing letters, emails, etc. just to keep in contact. Regular contact is crucial to maintaining a good relationship and makes it extra special when you hear from him.

Whilst it may seem doom and gloom, it actually can be a really good period for you both. Yes, sometimes relationships break down, strained by the distance but sometimes they can actually grow and develop. I know that for the 2 years I lived with my boyfriend before I went away, we used to get at each other's throats as we didn't give each other enough space sometimes. Now we have time to pursue our own interests more. We now see friends we neglected, do sports and activities we said we'd do but never got round to doing because we were too wrapped up in each other at the time. I know that having had a bit of distance and perspective, when we do live together again later on this year (when I move back to the UK) we've agreed to make sure we bring the good things we've learnt into our life together.

So from being a negative thing it can be a good thing! We've both made so many more friends since being apart. Use it as an opportunity to live life to the max rather than as a depressing time of waiting. Because once he does come back, if you feel you haven't made the most of your time, it will actually put a strain on the relationship. You could perhaps resent him and vice versa, so see it as a period of growth and development that could actually enrich your time together, both in the present and the future

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 7017

jeh_jeh

2

Original post by DrGalago

So my other half is going to Sydney for 4 months in february :frown:

The closer it gets the harder I seem to be finding the concept. We've been together for over a year, and lived together in halls the whole time, so I'm really going to miss him not being around all the time. In a funny kind of way I feel a bit like the build up to him leaving is going to be worse than when he has actually gone and I'm just getting on with being busy all the time. Has anyone else found this? It's been particularly hard over christmas, as he's been staying at uni to work and I've spent 2 weeks at home, and it's dragged because I've been missing him. If this is just 2 weeks, what on earth am I to do with 4 months?!
Also, does anyone have any tips on handling the 11 hour time difference? In uni holidays we usually fb chat for a few hours in the evenings, but obviously we're going to have to find a different way of working things.
So yeah, just checking in here, have a feeling it could be useful come feb. Any advice generally?
Thanks :smile:

I know it sounds really heartless, but it's actually easier when they're really far away as opposed to just a few hours by car, because you know that if he's in Sydney, then there's absolutely no possible way you can see him and then you just get on with it. Keep busy and you'll be fine.

During the week when you've got uni, I'd suggest emailing each other about your days, and then maybe Skype at the weekends. Eleven hours isn't too bad, in the sense that if one of you gets up early and the other is awake in the evenings, it's fairly workable.

Reply 7018

finola_94

That said, its good of you to be honest with him. Because also for an LDR to work, both should feel the other is worth the roller coaster ride of highs and lows. If you don't want to be in that kind of relationship, I really can't blame you, they can be difficult, I know. But he should also understand and be at least accepting of your feelings, if you decide to break up from him

Thanks you're so helpful :smile:

. I think you're right we've both got to be honest with how we think it's going to work, and accept that it's tough whichever we decide. :/ x

Reply 7019

bryanybites

I thought my boyfriend lives ages away... but in relation 2 hours isn't much. I admire people who are away from their loved ones for weeks on end, It's so difficult.
Just wondering how far you guys' boyfriends/girlfriends live?

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