Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
Scroll to see replies
Had the flu for over a week so far, my body is so weak I can barely move.. yet I force myself and use all the energy I have left to continue to binge and then purge. What the hell is wrong with me? My doctor told me that it could be weeks until I recover from this because of my weak immune system. Fml 
Original post by TotoMimo
Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...
You think about it all too much.
Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.
For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.
Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.
Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.
What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.
You think about it all too much.
Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.
For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.
Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.
Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.
What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.
Spoiler
You sound like you are going through a shifting change that you are finding difficult to come to terms with.
This isn't a time to remain constant.
Stop thinking about what is now.
You need to get the message into your head. CHANGE.
For example;
"And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt."
Stop. You are going to change that. ^That piece of information isn't going to be true any more.
You need to shift from 'you inner plan' to a new plan. You need to mold your mind, bend your body, shift the **** and really begin living!
Transitioning from one bit of your life into another is difficult, you may find that you become a different person. That happens. We mature.
What made you 'you' isn't going to be the same in the future. The ED isn't going to be part of the equation.
You are going to be independent. In control.
Believe me when I say this. I know you can do it.
I know ALL of you can change if you want it.
Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
I am eating properly again after the Christmas holidays slip up and TSR is helping me 
It's so wonderful to have great support here 
It's so wonderful to have great support here 
Original post by Antiaris
You sound like you are going through a shifting change that you are finding difficult to come to terms with.
This isn't a time to remain constant.
Stop thinking about what is now.
You need to get the message into your head. CHANGE.
For example;
"And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt."
Stop. You are going to change that. ^That piece of information isn't going to be true any more.
You need to shift from 'you inner plan' to a new plan. You need to mold your mind, bend your body, shift the **** and really begin living!
Transitioning from one bit of your life into another is difficult, you may find that you become a different person. That happens. We mature.
What made you 'you' isn't going to be the same in the future. The ED isn't going to be part of the equation.
You are going to be independent. In control.
Believe me when I say this. I know you can do it.
I know ALL of you can change if you want it.
Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
This isn't a time to remain constant.
Stop thinking about what is now.
You need to get the message into your head. CHANGE.
For example;
"And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt."
Stop. You are going to change that. ^That piece of information isn't going to be true any more.
You need to shift from 'you inner plan' to a new plan. You need to mold your mind, bend your body, shift the **** and really begin living!
Transitioning from one bit of your life into another is difficult, you may find that you become a different person. That happens. We mature.
What made you 'you' isn't going to be the same in the future. The ED isn't going to be part of the equation.
You are going to be independent. In control.
Believe me when I say this. I know you can do it.
I know ALL of you can change if you want it.
Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
You're freaking awesome. And what the girl said is true. My issue is that I don't know how to want to want to change. In my head, it's not bad enough for me to need to recover even though it affects every aspect of my life.Original post by Cinamon
It's probably a sign that I should stop watching so much TV... but...
I mainly watch channel 4 and E4 programs - and almost EVERY advert is about dieting, low fat blah blah and are there to make you feel awful about over-indulging over christmas. This has made my anxiety hit the roof and am breaking down with guilt over every bite. Is anyone else finding themselves affected by everyone's dieting talk?
I mainly watch channel 4 and E4 programs - and almost EVERY advert is about dieting, low fat blah blah and are there to make you feel awful about over-indulging over christmas. This has made my anxiety hit the roof and am breaking down with guilt over every bite. Is anyone else finding themselves affected by everyone's dieting talk?
Oh my goodness, yes. I thought I was the only one going insane with it all. I keep seeing Weightwatchers' adverts saying that if you lose a couple of pounds you'll feel happier and I'm struggling not to internalise it because that's what my ED says to me.
And then I was in the room when my mum was watching Celebrity Big Brother on the side and that IDIOT Pete Burns said that all celebrities should starve and get anorexia and I was like WTF? I decided that I'm just going to avoid all forms of media.
I've just gone back on the anti-depressants that caused me to lose loads of weight, and already I can feel my relationship with food going strange again...when I was on the ADs, I had no appetite, and my metabolism speeded up, so I became almost skeletal. Then when I had to swap ADs, I felt disgusting about myself because my metabolism slowed right down, I got an appetite again and I felt huge. Now that my old ADs are kick-starting the weight loss again, I feel proud every time I look in the mirror and can see my hips sticking out a bit more. I don't even care that the ADs aren't going to do anything to improve my depression, I'm just glad they're making me skinny again.
Didn't have internet access over the Xmas break :/ So did the horror that is Xmas without internet support. (I ate a Christmas dinner! I really did! I ate vegetables and yorkshire puddings and pate and bread and didn't purge once. [end proudness])
I've decided to do the whole New Year's resolution thing (something that I've avoided every other year).
Most importantly, I've started eating wheat again. I know that my gynae says that cutting it out should help my endo symptoms in the long run but I just can't have that excuse for restricting. I've realised that I'm just not in a place mentally where I can cut out food groups. I just hope that my gynae won't jump down my throat about it, as she's wont to do.
Also, I'm going to stop using my endo as an excuse not to eat. While food may irritate it, having the mindset of fasting to stop pain is ridiculous. Especially given the ridiculous fatigue I get. My ED!mind needs to learn that starving=low immune=illness=pain
I hope you guys were okay over Xmas.
I've decided to do the whole New Year's resolution thing (something that I've avoided every other year).
Most importantly, I've started eating wheat again. I know that my gynae says that cutting it out should help my endo symptoms in the long run but I just can't have that excuse for restricting. I've realised that I'm just not in a place mentally where I can cut out food groups. I just hope that my gynae won't jump down my throat about it, as she's wont to do.
Also, I'm going to stop using my endo as an excuse not to eat. While food may irritate it, having the mindset of fasting to stop pain is ridiculous. Especially given the ridiculous fatigue I get. My ED!mind needs to learn that starving=low immune=illness=pain
I hope you guys were okay over Xmas.
Ok people wanted some support/advice again over my eating patterns.
Spoilers of course
Spoilers of course
Spoiler
So.. I feel somehow sorry to join this thread and I hope you all are OK.. I read some posts in the beginning but coward as I am, too scared to continue.. At last decided to share my story, hope you don't mind. It's not very bad and I don't know whether I could actually be classified as someone with an eating disorder, but I have a feeling that my relationship with food isn't exactly normal either and that's something I'd like to change this year. I finally want to be happy with who I am.. The fact that I'm able to do this anonymously made me decide to try to share this and hopefully this will at least remind me of my promise. I know my story is nothing compared to many others.
It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.
This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more.. I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.
To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'.
However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.
My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.
Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.
Sorry for the long story. and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.
It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.
This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more..
I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'.
However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.
Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.
Sorry for the long story.
and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.Original post by TotoMimo
Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...
You think about it all too much.
Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.
For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.
Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.
Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.
What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.
You think about it all too much.
Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.
For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.
Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.
Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.
What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.
Spoiler
I was just about to post another big introspective ramble but it got deleted. Taking it as a sign that indeed, I'm thinking about this too much. Let's both take Antiaris' words of wisdom and accept we can all think about change until the cows come home, but change needs to be done, we need to act, to make a difference. : )
OCD moment of the week: tea! Swear my parents never stop asking if I want a cuppa, pretty much our only breakfast conversation and I've never seen Dad drink water
I like tea but I'm not huge on it, and I've recently decided to give up coffee for the time being...Spoiler
Bah low body weight
Some slightly more serious stuff...
Spoiler
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Antiaris
Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
This is so very true (see profile pic)!
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Melting Sugar.
This is so very true (hence my profile pic)!
icon love!
I'm not quite ready to truly admit that I might have an eating disorder, although I have made progress in now being able to say to some people that I am receiving treatment for an eating disorder. To some of you, that may seem like a total contradiction, however, this has been an ongoing and overlooked 'issue' for such a large amount of time that coming to accept it, as I become more entangled in my 'problems', is most tricky. I am therefore making this post in an attempt to gain some acceptance over my problem.
Wow. So I just summed up eight years of existence in 20 minutes. Impressive.
Keep strong guys- I've been following this thread for a long time, and stand amazed at the courage you have all shown.
Good luck in your recovery!!
xxx
Spoiler
Wow. So I just summed up eight years of existence in 20 minutes. Impressive.
Keep strong guys- I've been following this thread for a long time, and stand amazed at the courage you have all shown.
Good luck in your recovery!!
xxx
Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
I can relate, I had a rant a few pages back about feeling like a fraud and never admitting my issues to anyone except for a few pages back - convincing my parents i'm fine and making sure when I do eat it's in front of them so they know i'm eating etc. I'd be completely hypocritical telling you to go and seek help, but I did seek help for another psychological disorder (anxiety) and it was probably one of the best things i've done
I can relate, I had a rant a few pages back about feeling like a fraud and never admitting my issues to anyone except for a few pages back - convincing my parents i'm fine and making sure when I do eat it's in front of them so they know i'm eating etc. I'd be completely hypocritical telling you to go and seek help, but I did seek help for another psychological disorder (anxiety) and it was probably one of the best things i've done
Ahhhh this is so what I do, I make such a show of opening cupboard doors and loudly rustling packages so my parents will be sure to hear from where they are in the lounge
Thanks SO much for your reply, that's actually a really good point about your anxiety, I've got pretty bad OCD which I'd never thought about in this context but I guess that really could have an influence. And seeing somebody about that seems SO much less daunting than the other stuff. To be completely honest, as much as I know I should, I still can't face the thought of actually talking to my personal tutor or someone about the food issues just yet, but I really might see if there's some sort of counselling/ help service I could go to about the OCD
Opinions- Is it ever posible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment (IP/OP)?
Hello,
I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.
I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here' In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help.
This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).
This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...
I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...
I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice
A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here'
In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help. This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).
This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...
I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...
I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
Original post by rach087
Hello,
I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.
I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here' In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help.
This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).
This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...
I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...
I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice
A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here'
In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help. This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).
This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...
I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...
I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
I understand what you mean completely, and my counsellor today said she was now seriously worried and I have to get back to the GP for me to start properly on the CBT but I'm worried about going there and them thinking me an attention-seeker. And I understand being torn between two minds; half of you KNOWS it's not a life when everything revolves around how thin you are, that if you're not thin enough you're losing control, you're a failure. But at the same time to think of losing that anorexic voice, to think of gaining weight and the unimaginable thought of sitting down and clearing a whole plate of 'normal' food without any care for calories, just for the enjoyment of the meal...that option just seems equally as frightening.
And I think without intervention, an anorexia sufferer will always veer between the two, living in this world of inner conflict that only leads to more destructive thoughts. How long have you been feeling this?
And I'm sure you haven't offended anyone, it's nice to find somewhere to be supported with people who understand the experience, feels a lot less lonely and frightening
Just received a letter from psychological services for a screening assessment/session with a therapist for the end of March.. and to be truthfully honest I think I'm going to cancel it and not ask for another appointment. I'm back to the stage where I don't want to get better, and I think my slot should go to someone who's ready. I've been on and off Fluoxetine for over a month because I just can't cope with the way it makes me feel, I'm meant to be going to the doctor soon and I just can't face him right now. Just feel like a complete mess and I don't know how to handle it. Doesn't help either that I've had the flu for the last 11 days, and my body doesn't seem to want to fight it at all.
Also, does anyone have a person that makes fun of their condition? How do you deal with it? My brother (who's 16) continuously makes gagging noises when he passes me and makes comments and jokes about the fact that I make myself sick. It's just so horribly and triggers me all the time.
Also, does anyone have a person that makes fun of their condition? How do you deal with it? My brother (who's 16) continuously makes gagging noises when he passes me and makes comments and jokes about the fact that I make myself sick. It's just so horribly and triggers me all the time.
Original post by Anonymous
So.. I feel somehow sorry to join this thread and I hope you all are OK.. I read some posts in the beginning but coward as I am, too scared to continue.. At last decided to share my story, hope you don't mind. It's not very bad and I don't know whether I could actually be classified as someone with an eating disorder, but I have a feeling that my relationship with food isn't exactly normal either and that's something I'd like to change this year. I finally want to be happy with who I am.. The fact that I'm able to do this anonymously made me decide to try to share this and hopefully this will at least remind me of my promise. I know my story is nothing compared to many others.
It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.
This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more.. I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.
To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'. However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.
My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.
Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.
Sorry for the long story. and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.
It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.
This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more..
I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'.
However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.
Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.
Sorry for the long story.
and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.Hey Anon
I think you're being hard on yourself. Even if you don't think your problems are much, there are lots of things going on there. I can't go into details because I'm not a doctor or therapist so can't say for certain and don't want to misinform you. But that doesn't matter really-whether you can pinpoint a specific set of diagnostic criteria is irrelevant to the fact you're suffering and want, need help! We don't need to compare ourselves to other sufferers, and most of the time this ends up just fuelling our own negative and self-deprecating mentalities. It's easy to forget that there's no prize for who wins at an eating disorder-there are no winners in what can become a game of life and death. I can partly relate having begun to do similar things myself, although no-one can ever truly understand each other's own inner battles. I can tell you there's a way out of it all that hopefully we can all find together.
Although I know this might sound crazy to you right now, it's not just the over-eating which is the main problem. It's all part of the same parcel that's your relationship to food and self. Your restrictive habits of eating so little are just as much as one-in fact they're almost certainly the physical reason for why you have the moments of overeating. It's the reason that dieting rarely if ever works-it's a natural reaction when someone deprives themselves of something to eventually obsess over it, and when it's something as integral to our survival as adequate nutrition it's a response built on instinct for countless generations. It's a natural impulse and you can't fight your bodily needs, so why beat yourself up about it?
But again that's not the real problem. Why do you feel your weight or how you look decides whether you have the right to eat, determines your own individuality and self-worth? Is it not enough to feel secure in the knowledge that you're an intelligent and unique person? Have you ever wondered if maybe one of the other girls wanted to be you? Just something to think about. You give yourself less credit than you deserve.
It's great that you recognise there feel ready to open up to us on this thread. How would you feel about speaking to someone in person about it, your GP or someone you trust? Would you feel comfortably speaking to your mum about it? I think it'd help if you feel confident enough to tell her how you really feel. It's hard when those we love don't seem to understand what we're going through.
(edited 12 years ago)
So I feel like I've taken a massive leap forwards, even thought its just a small step.
Whilst going out with friends the other day (and winding up drinking a lot more than I meant to) I accidentally let slip to two of then about what my ED was (they knew I had food issues before but didn't know why it was because I was too scared to tell them)
Because of their reactions (worried about me) and my own feelings, I fired off a request for an appointment with the university counselling service today and whilst I won't be able to get one for quite a while, they sent a reply directing me to some self help books and resources, which I've just got out of the library and will be reading through tonight. Fed up of living like I am but still **** scared about gaining weight if I stop :/
Thankfully the friends I have told are being really supportive and haven't said anything triggering thus far (other than a comment about 'you will keep it down, won't you...')
Hopefully can get back to healthy eating patterns soon...
Whilst going out with friends the other day (and winding up drinking a lot more than I meant to) I accidentally let slip to two of then about what my ED was (they knew I had food issues before but didn't know why it was because I was too scared to tell them)
Because of their reactions (worried about me) and my own feelings, I fired off a request for an appointment with the university counselling service today and whilst I won't be able to get one for quite a while, they sent a reply directing me to some self help books and resources, which I've just got out of the library and will be reading through tonight. Fed up of living like I am but still **** scared about gaining weight if I stop :/
Thankfully the friends I have told are being really supportive and haven't said anything triggering thus far (other than a comment about 'you will keep it down, won't you...')
Hopefully can get back to healthy eating patterns soon...
