The Student Room Group

Scroll to see replies

Original post by Anonymous
Hey guys, massive respect for all the LDRers, must be hard, I kind of can empathise.

But here's my story... I need help!! :/...

So I've been together with my girlfriend now since November 20th 2011, so 5 months and a bit, but obviously to me its more like 7 months since we started hanging out properly and having a good time :smile:

Anyway, thing is, 5 months sounds and well isn't THAT long, when you're starting to consider/talk about LDRs they are generally people who've been going out for over a year! But I just want to say that my previous and first for that matter relationship lasted 15 months so I'm not just a young man being soppified 5 months in :smile: I kind of went long distance with my first for 6 weeks (summer) when she went to South Korea for all of it! So I know how hard it is and stuff, just thought I'd set the scene and my background...

So yeah, 5 months, and well, we've had our 'spats' as I like to call them over the period and stuff, but I do love her a lot... but here's my problem..

First of all, basically we can be sat in the car chilling and chatting and then she goes all quiet, and is like 'worried' about September when we will both be going to Uni, me to London and her to Norwich, which I've been told by her is a good 2 hours apart. And It is as many of you can probably empathise, one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, to handle it, know what to say and stuff.

I personally, tell her how I'm up for doing a LDR, because when I'm with her it's epic, we don't have to do anything like cinema or restaurants, we could literally just chill and talk for hours on end to be happy :smile: and well... having a girlfriend is just epic, the security, someone to talk to about stress, happiness, worries or whatever!

And so half the time she is like really equally soppy and up for it, says she never wants to lose me, and thus worried, but deffo wants to do it. But then occassionally she can just be like 'I don't know anymore, you seem really keen and I'm like worrying, undecided' ... ... 'I just don't want to ruin it' ... and I'm like telling her... why would you ruin it? If you loved me you'd want to be with me and control yourself per say? And then she goes like 'ye but ... ahh I was talking months ago with Rob (her friend) about how epic and funny freshers week will be (obviously drunken times + guys.. you know the drill)' 'just wont be fun :/' and I'm thinking to myself... that's rather sad that you think freshers will only be fun so that you can have flings or whatever.. i'm pretty sure freshers is more than just sex... its social and having fun and getting to know people -.- which you can still have whilst remaining faithful :L but I didn't say this to her haha...

But yeah, so she can be one minute really up for it, then the next she's like trepidatious... I mean I told her I'm scared as well, but I tell her the quote 'if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right'... basically reflecting the fact that if your heart and mind is into something, it will work... I'm just like... thinking... Is her heart really in it?

And then she says like 'its just a really big step, its like we're settling down or something'... and I was like... ye i understand you seeing it that way.. but the fact is Its just a decision to carry on our relationship, but at a long distance.. its no different to the relationship we have now, just distance.. if you get me? Its not a contract that we'll be together the next 3/4 years, its just continuing our relationship because we love and want to be with each other!?!?!

So I'm worried, I just need opinions and advice and support or whatever! It's really tough because at this period of time, I'm freaking out revising mad so I can get my place at LSE!! And when I get stressed out with my girlfriend its hard to concentrate :'( :'(

Also I think it may be worth adding points about our little 'spats'...
Basically, I'm her first proper boyfriend...
But over our time together, she has sometimes done stuff that really upset me and well, I didn't know whether it was wrong, but when I talked to my sister and friends about what she did, they were like 'she's out of order, I wouldn't put up with that'..

Basically the first straw was when she was just texting a guy she had met at a party... and she just essentially went on a date with him... he paid for a dinner, and they walked along the beach... but to me I just obviously got jealous, but shrugged it off, because I'm pretty caring and I always want to be the best boyfriend ever, and i don't want to be controlling so I was cool about it.

Next straw was at a party, drunken obviously.. oh wait no it was my 18th birthday house party, and basically was really mean to me, starts telling everyone really private stuff like REALLY private, and ye at one point was like 'i'm single, i don't have a boyfriend anymore' and I confronted her that night... w talked it through and stuff.. i mean it was pretty bitchy but we worked through it, I guess i'm rather weak/pushover, i'm just quite caring.. :/ but ye it did upset me a lot and my best friend Cooper was there and like 'I wouldn't take that ****'. But ye she was sorry the next day and stuff and I was like whatever its cool, we talked it out :smile:

Next, she had met my good friend Ed through me, like twice briefly, but she starts talking to him loads, and then one time, she was asking to see me and I couldn't i was busy, but I was like 'we could go beach after i'm finished' and she's like okay ... then later on she's like 'oh don't worry about walk I decided to go beach instead' I was like... 'we were going to beach hunny?' and she was like 'oh okay, i'm with someone you'd love (ed)'... so she had gone to the beach with him... so ye.. later that day I was giving her a lift to her friend Eevie, and well I was upset about her seeing ed, (because she had seem him like 2 days before that as well... -.-).. and so I quickly phoned my sister beforehand to tell her about it and my sis was like 'it's not on tell her whats what'... so I did, when she came to the car she was wearing HIS hoodie... okay fair play wear it because your cold, but in my warm car or with me.. when i have a hoodie... it wrong its a freaking coupley thing to do! You don't do that do you? So I like kinda cried, and told her how it wasn't on... like I don't mind her seeing guys but oh yeah i forgot to say how she also held his hand at the beach... and seeing him 2 days basically in a row, when she hadn't known him previously... im not controlling... but I'm highly sure its wrong?! But yeah once again we sorted it out she claimed 'she didn't know, she's new to relationship obvi and thought it was okay' and i was like 'its not'

Penultimate straw... another party... she is basically same as that other party, mean and ed was there, and she spent more time on top of Ed than me. And I mean on top as in him laying flat down on sofa, her on top, face inches away from his... so i was SOOOO Pissed off. We discussed the next day, I kinda 'scolded' her but ye,.. i mean at the party again cooper was like 'dude not on' and Ron was like 'my days you're so tolerant, my girlfriends lovely to me'. So next day I proper layed it on, because at the start of the convo she wasn't even apologising, i was like wtf!! so it was a mahooosive convo, and i proper thought we sorted it for good... and things were going well...

Until a couple of days ago... i was like 'do you wanna see me in my lunch/free period tomorrow hunny?' and she was like 'When?' I said... 'tomorrow, 12:20 -2' and she was like hmmm nah actually i've got a lunch date... I was like oh okay no worries.. with who? ^_^ and she was like.. 'none of your beeswax'.. the convo continued and she was like 'its a guy' ... ' oh and also he drives' so I was like wtf you're being a bitch (because incidently i was having trouble at home that day and really upset and she knew this) so a major bitch tbh... but then again she came up with some excuse..

So i once again talked it through with her as my saying goes 'honesty is the best policy' and we are okay... but well as a result of all this, I occasionally get doubts.. i'm not gonna lie a little part of me wants to leave her, because loadsa people tell me a relationship should be happy and you shouldn't get sad, and well I do get sad, stressed and it sometimes gets to me when we have these incidents... but then again a bigger part of me, the affectionate side, loves her to bits, when we are happy and good together its freaking epic, such good times, and so i don't want to lose that, i don't want to lose my girlfriend! And so i'm like torn here as well! It's hurting but at the same time really great!

So to sum up, this probably humongous post, and I applaud anyone who manages to bother to get through it all! I need advice, support, opinions on both scenarios, seperately and combined. It's so difficult, i just need help as its stressing me out, when i'm trying to meet my ridiculous grades for LSE!!

Cheers :smile: :smile: :smile:
You can call me Lee as well, despite being Anon,.


Hi lee, you seem like a decent guy so i'm going to be brutally honest, she seems to be treating you like s***te! i understand you really love her, and sometimes when your so blinded by love you just don't see it but i don't think you can trust someone like that, if they do that whilst your around together all the time, what is she capable of when you're not around at all? she seems to have no respect for you whatsoever, you deserve so much better than this, i just hope you realize sooner than later before you get even more hurt
Been in an LDR since 1st August 2010. The day he moved away :/ But I've been with him since 1st November 2009.
He gets down here about once a month for between 2 and 6 days. Whenever I go up it's only for like 6 hours (not including travelling) cause of my parents not wanting me on a train late. It's a two hour journey.
We Skype basically every night (with the odd exception) but it's just so hard to see him but not to hug him or anything.
The upside is that I'm going to uni in September in the same city where he is. We've been waiting for this since he moved ha. I can't wait. We were gonna move in together but we decided it would probably be best for me to move into halls so nothing'll happen if money falls through or anything.
It's so difficult sometimes. I miss him all the time. And I literally mean that. I've been through (the cliché) so much with him so everything reminds me of him. Everything has a tie. And as much as I love that, it just makes me miss him more. He's the sweetest, most caring guy I could have ever asked for. I've had two boyfriends before him but they were for VERY short periods of time and it was more of a ooh-yay-I'm-going-out-with-someone thing. I like to think that he's my first boyfriend. And I'm staying with him forever. It's two and a half years one the 1st May. The only way that I could be happier is if I was there everyday with him. And that'll happen soon.


All you LDRs: it'll work out if it's mean to. I thoroughly believe that. I know people who don't know me'll think I'm really young and it won't last but everyone I know says it will. And I believe that too. We have a wonderful relationship. And he's my best friend. Everyone gets a chance at happiness. I hope you all get that.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by TheBambiHeart
Been in an LDR since 1st August 2010. The day he moved away :/ But I've been with him since 1st November 2009.
He gets down here about once a month for between 2 and 6 days. Whenever I go up it's only for like 6 hours (not including travelling) cause of my parents not wanting me on a train late. It's a two hour journey.
We Skype basically every night (with the odd exception) but it's just so hard to see him but not to hug him or anything.
The upside is that I'm going to uni in September in the same city where he is. We've been waiting for this since he moved ha. I can't wait. We were gonna move in together but we decided it would probably be best for me to move into halls so nothing'll happen if money falls through or anything.
It's so difficult sometimes. I miss him all the time. And I literally mean that. I've been through (the cliché) so much with him so everything reminds me of him. Everything has a tie. And as much as I love that, it just makes me miss him more. He's the sweetest, most caring guy I could have ever asked for. I've had two boyfriends before him but they were for VERY short periods of time and it was more of a ooh-yay-I'm-going-out-with-someone thing. I like to think that he's my first boyfriend. And I'm staying with him forever. It's two and a half years one the 1st May. The only way that I could be happier is if I was there everyday with him. And that'll happen soon.


All you LDRs: it'll work out if it's mean to. I thoroughly believe that. I know people who don't know me'll think I'm really young and it won't last but everyone I know says it will. And I believe that too. We have a wonderful relationship. And he's my best friend. Everyone gets a chance at happieness. I hope you all get that.


Thanks, this kind of encouraging messages is always appreciated, it gives one more strength and courage to keep going :smile: . I'm happy for you that you'll be together soon, im sure you deserve it after such a long time separate :smile: wish you the best of luck!
Reply 7863
Original post by Anonymous
Hey guys, massive respect for all the LDRers, must be hard, I kind of can empathise.

But here's my story... I need help!! :/...

So I've been together with my girlfriend now since November 20th 2011, so 5 months and a bit, but obviously to me its more like 7 months since we started hanging out properly and having a good time :smile:

Anyway, thing is, 5 months sounds and well isn't THAT long, when you're starting to consider/talk about LDRs they are generally people who've been going out for over a year! But I just want to say that my previous and first for that matter relationship lasted 15 months so I'm not just a young man being soppified 5 months in :smile: I kind of went long distance with my first for 6 weeks (summer) when she went to South Korea for all of it! So I know how hard it is and stuff, just thought I'd set the scene and my background...

So yeah, 5 months, and well, we've had our 'spats' as I like to call them over the period and stuff, but I do love her a lot... but here's my problem..

First of all, basically we can be sat in the car chilling and chatting and then she goes all quiet, and is like 'worried' about September when we will both be going to Uni, me to London and her to Norwich, which I've been told by her is a good 2 hours apart. And It is as many of you can probably empathise, one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, to handle it, know what to say and stuff.

I personally, tell her how I'm up for doing a LDR, because when I'm with her it's epic, we don't have to do anything like cinema or restaurants, we could literally just chill and talk for hours on end to be happy :smile: and well... having a girlfriend is just epic, the security, someone to talk to about stress, happiness, worries or whatever!

And so half the time she is like really equally soppy and up for it, says she never wants to lose me, and thus worried, but deffo wants to do it. But then occassionally she can just be like 'I don't know anymore, you seem really keen and I'm like worrying, undecided' ... ... 'I just don't want to ruin it' ... and I'm like telling her... why would you ruin it? If you loved me you'd want to be with me and control yourself per say? And then she goes like 'ye but ... ahh I was talking months ago with Rob (her friend) about how epic and funny freshers week will be (obviously drunken times + guys.. you know the drill)' 'just wont be fun :/' and I'm thinking to myself... that's rather sad that you think freshers will only be fun so that you can have flings or whatever.. i'm pretty sure freshers is more than just sex... its social and having fun and getting to know people -.- which you can still have whilst remaining faithful :L but I didn't say this to her haha...

But yeah, so she can be one minute really up for it, then the next she's like trepidatious... I mean I told her I'm scared as well, but I tell her the quote 'if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right'... basically reflecting the fact that if your heart and mind is into something, it will work... I'm just like... thinking... Is her heart really in it?

And then she says like 'its just a really big step, its like we're settling down or something'... and I was like... ye i understand you seeing it that way.. but the fact is Its just a decision to carry on our relationship, but at a long distance.. its no different to the relationship we have now, just distance.. if you get me? Its not a contract that we'll be together the next 3/4 years, its just continuing our relationship because we love and want to be with each other!?!?!

So I'm worried, I just need opinions and advice and support or whatever! It's really tough because at this period of time, I'm freaking out revising mad so I can get my place at LSE!! And when I get stressed out with my girlfriend its hard to concentrate :'( :'(

Also I think it may be worth adding points about our little 'spats'...
Basically, I'm her first proper boyfriend...
But over our time together, she has sometimes done stuff that really upset me and well, I didn't know whether it was wrong, but when I talked to my sister and friends about what she did, they were like 'she's out of order, I wouldn't put up with that'..

Basically the first straw was when she was just texting a guy she had met at a party... and she just essentially went on a date with him... he paid for a dinner, and they walked along the beach... but to me I just obviously got jealous, but shrugged it off, because I'm pretty caring and I always want to be the best boyfriend ever, and i don't want to be controlling so I was cool about it.

Next straw was at a party, drunken obviously.. oh wait no it was my 18th birthday house party, and basically was really mean to me, starts telling everyone really private stuff like REALLY private, and ye at one point was like 'i'm single, i don't have a boyfriend anymore' and I confronted her that night... w talked it through and stuff.. i mean it was pretty bitchy but we worked through it, I guess i'm rather weak/pushover, i'm just quite caring.. :/ but ye it did upset me a lot and my best friend Cooper was there and like 'I wouldn't take that ****'. But ye she was sorry the next day and stuff and I was like whatever its cool, we talked it out :smile:

Next, she had met my good friend Ed through me, like twice briefly, but she starts talking to him loads, and then one time, she was asking to see me and I couldn't i was busy, but I was like 'we could go beach after i'm finished' and she's like okay ... then later on she's like 'oh don't worry about walk I decided to go beach instead' I was like... 'we were going to beach hunny?' and she was like 'oh okay, i'm with someone you'd love (ed)'... so she had gone to the beach with him... so ye.. later that day I was giving her a lift to her friend Eevie, and well I was upset about her seeing ed, (because she had seem him like 2 days before that as well... -.-).. and so I quickly phoned my sister beforehand to tell her about it and my sis was like 'it's not on tell her whats what'... so I did, when she came to the car she was wearing HIS hoodie... okay fair play wear it because your cold, but in my warm car or with me.. when i have a hoodie... it wrong its a freaking coupley thing to do! You don't do that do you? So I like kinda cried, and told her how it wasn't on... like I don't mind her seeing guys but oh yeah i forgot to say how she also held his hand at the beach... and seeing him 2 days basically in a row, when she hadn't known him previously... im not controlling... but I'm highly sure its wrong?! But yeah once again we sorted it out she claimed 'she didn't know, she's new to relationship obvi and thought it was okay' and i was like 'its not'

Penultimate straw... another party... she is basically same as that other party, mean and ed was there, and she spent more time on top of Ed than me. And I mean on top as in him laying flat down on sofa, her on top, face inches away from his... so i was SOOOO Pissed off. We discussed the next day, I kinda 'scolded' her but ye,.. i mean at the party again cooper was like 'dude not on' and Ron was like 'my days you're so tolerant, my girlfriends lovely to me'. So next day I proper layed it on, because at the start of the convo she wasn't even apologising, i was like wtf!! so it was a mahooosive convo, and i proper thought we sorted it for good... and things were going well...

Until a couple of days ago... i was like 'do you wanna see me in my lunch/free period tomorrow hunny?' and she was like 'When?' I said... 'tomorrow, 12:20 -2' and she was like hmmm nah actually i've got a lunch date... I was like oh okay no worries.. with who? ^_^ and she was like.. 'none of your beeswax'.. the convo continued and she was like 'its a guy' ... ' oh and also he drives' so I was like wtf you're being a bitch (because incidently i was having trouble at home that day and really upset and she knew this) so a major bitch tbh... but then again she came up with some excuse..

So i once again talked it through with her as my saying goes 'honesty is the best policy' and we are okay... but well as a result of all this, I occasionally get doubts.. i'm not gonna lie a little part of me wants to leave her, because loadsa people tell me a relationship should be happy and you shouldn't get sad, and well I do get sad, stressed and it sometimes gets to me when we have these incidents... but then again a bigger part of me, the affectionate side, loves her to bits, when we are happy and good together its freaking epic, such good times, and so i don't want to lose that, i don't want to lose my girlfriend! And so i'm like torn here as well! It's hurting but at the same time really great!

So to sum up, this probably humongous post, and I applaud anyone who manages to bother to get through it all! I need advice, support, opinions on both scenarios, seperately and combined. It's so difficult, i just need help as its stressing me out, when i'm trying to meet my ridiculous grades for LSE!!

Cheers :smile: :smile: :smile:
You can call me Lee as well, despite being Anon,.


Hi, I started reading your post thinking 'wow that's cute they must be really in love'. But as I read on, it became more and more obvious that you really aren't comfortable together. I will just say it straight out: it sounds like you trying to think of reasons not to break up with her, rather than actually wanting to be with her. And the fact that she's been hanging out and on dates with other guys is definitely NOT how someone with a boyfriend should act. No excuses for not knowing that that's not okay in a relationship.

You should just break up with her, she's not treating you with any respect.
Reply 7864
Buh, feel really down right now. I'm going to Denmark in 11 days, and last week she said she'd be able to stay in the chalet with me where I'm staying for an event. Last night she said that her dad won't let her, even with me and her in different rooms and my mum and my gf's sister being there too. Yet I can stay at their house which is a good 30 minute drive away.

She was also rather distant to me relationship-wise. Hasn't said she's loved me in a week, didn't send a single heart or anything and when I had to leave her she just said goodnight and hung up on Skype.

Spoiler



:frown: (long post)
Reply 7866
Original post by such_a_lady

Spoiler



:frown: (long post)


If he's affectionate in person, like you say he is, maybe he just struggles with showing it when you guys aren't with each other in person. I always feel a bit awkward on Skype to begin with - like, I'm staring at this pixelated version of my boyfriend's face, I can see myself in the webcam not looking my best because my face is strange as I'm staring at the computer screen (I'm often doing other things while we Skype), the sound quality isn't the greatest, there's often other people around... the reasons are myriad. And, finally, the very fact that I have to use a computer to communicate with my boyfriend reminds me that he's not here and of how much I miss him. I honestly find Skype to be one of the most depressing things ever. I'm not saying your boyfriend's like this, by any means, but the fact that he's more distant on Skype and affectionate when you're together might just come down to the fact that he doesn't like it, or feels uncomfortable using it.

You're allowed to be however you want to be (within reason!) during your exams. I know it sounds awful, but I'm in the process of editing my thesis and revising for my finals (and I have a sore throat coming on. Hello, there, excellent timing!) and sometimes I just have to block my boyfriend out. I don't mean that in a mean way, but sometimes you just need to focus on you. :hugs: I know what you mean about being the one who makes all the effort when you're apart, too. My boyfriend's a medic - which, yes, is very stressful - but I often get the impression that while I offer him all the support he wants, there's never any there for me. Then again, though, he's always so supportive in person, so maybe it comes down to the distance being a strain.

Is there no way you guys can close the distance? Sorry I have no useful advice, but I understand!
Original post by jeh_jeh
If he's affectionate in person, like you say he is, maybe he just struggles with showing it when you guys aren't with each other in person. I always feel a bit awkward on Skype to begin with - like, I'm staring at this pixelated version of my boyfriend's face, I can see myself in the webcam not looking my best because my face is strange as I'm staring at the computer screen (I'm often doing other things while we Skype), the sound quality isn't the greatest, there's often other people around... the reasons are myriad. And, finally, the very fact that I have to use a computer to communicate with my boyfriend reminds me that he's not here and of how much I miss him. I honestly find Skype to be one of the most depressing things ever. I'm not saying your boyfriend's like this, by any means, but the fact that he's more distant on Skype and affectionate when you're together might just come down to the fact that he doesn't like it, or feels uncomfortable using it.

You're allowed to be however you want to be (within reason!) during your exams. I know it sounds awful, but I'm in the process of editing my thesis and revising for my finals (and I have a sore throat coming on. Hello, there, excellent timing!) and sometimes I just have to block my boyfriend out. I don't mean that in a mean way, but sometimes you just need to focus on you. :hugs: I know what you mean about being the one who makes all the effort when you're apart, too. My boyfriend's a medic - which, yes, is very stressful - but I often get the impression that while I offer him all the support he wants, there's never any there for me. Then again, though, he's always so supportive in person, so maybe it comes down to the distance being a strain.

Is there no way you guys can close the distance? Sorry I have no useful advice, but I understand!



Hey :smile: I was hoping you might read it because you always give great responses, and I'm grateful that you kind of sympathise. I don't know. Whenever we stop speaking or fight or whatever, I'm ALWAYS the first to give in and break the silence and capitulate, apologise, and he never, ever does this. :frown: I don't want to do that over and over any more, though, I need to stay stronger, but I stay strong for about two hours and then I just miss him too much :frown:

Thankyou so much for your answer xxx
Reply 7868
Iv been in an ldr the first 2 years of med school and its been great :smile: however will be in 3rd year next year with full time placement, tons of work and very few holidays! eek basically im scared :frown:
Original post by such_a_lady

Spoiler



:frown: (long post)



God, the bit in bold could have been written by me. And the worst of all is he wasn't like that during the first year, it was after i came to Edinburgh that his attitude became so cold and distant. Before that he used to say he loves me, he used to send me very nice and spontaneous text messages - now all his messages are in a very monotonous line just asking me how was my day, telling me about his, and asking what my plans are or similar. He also used to send me random emails, even if it was just to say have a lovely day or to send me a link to a youtube video, and he never does so now, roles have reversed and it's me now who emails him songs that remind me of him, or send him random lovely text messages. It's really frustrating to see how much his attitude has changed. In the period of time between the last 2 trips we made, he barely said once that he loves me. I had to say this to him the last time we were together, but again I don't want him to be forced to say he loves me.

As jeh_jeh has said, his attitude possibly comes from the frustration that the LDR situation causes him. It's the same with my bf, he absolutely hates skype (well, we use messenger instead) because it's a reminder day after day that we're separate and he can't see my face other that on a screen, hence it makes more and more obvious that he can't touch me, that he cant hug me..whenever he wants or needs to do so. I don't really know what to say cause I feel exactly the same as you, so I cant give any advice when I dont have advice for myself :frown: But if you ever need to talk just pm me:smile:
Reply 7870
Original post by such_a_lady
Hey :smile: I was hoping you might read it because you always give great responses, and I'm grateful that you kind of sympathise. I don't know. Whenever we stop speaking or fight or whatever, I'm ALWAYS the first to give in and break the silence and capitulate, apologise, and he never, ever does this. :frown: I don't want to do that over and over any more, though, I need to stay stronger, but I stay strong for about two hours and then I just miss him too much :frown:

Thankyou so much for your answer xxx


This actually happened to me recently - we'd argued over something inconsequential, and then I went on to have a couple of horrible and non-stop days, didn't have time (literally) to call him and I didn't hear from him until I got into contact. His reasoning was that he "thought [I was] angry and wanted to give [me] time to calm down." I did kind of explain that him not making an effort to talk to me was making me angrier and even more stressed, though. :p:

I don't know whether it's because boys have somehow been socially conditioned to believe that girls "play games" by their very nature, or something, and so play the ignore tactic as soon as they sense it could be happening, but you are not alone in always being the first one to "crumble". After quite a few conversations, my boyfriend is getting better at recognising that sometimes ignoring me when he's upset me or I'm stressed will just exacerbate the situation, but it is hard. Also, I think girls probably stress over this more than guys in general - my boyfriend just tends to lose a couple of hours to the XBox as soon as he's vaguely stressed, whereas I sit there over-analysing for hours. :sad:
Original post by Colpejafort
God, the bit in bold could have been written by me. And the worst of all is he wasn't like that during the first year, it was after i came to Edinburgh that his attitude became so cold and distant. Before that he used to say he loves me, he used to send me very nice and spontaneous text messages - now all his messages are in a very monotonous line just asking me how was my day, telling me about his, and asking what my plans are or similar. He also used to send me random emails, even if it was just to say have a lovely day or to send me a link to a youtube video, and he never does so now, roles have reversed and it's me now who emails him songs that remind me of him, or send him random lovely text messages. It's really frustrating to see how much his attitude has changed. In the period of time between the last 2 trips we made, he barely said once that he loves me. I had to say this to him the last time we were together, but again I don't want him to be forced to say he loves me.

As jeh_jeh has said, his attitude possibly comes from the frustration that the LDR situation causes him. It's the same with my bf, he absolutely hates skype (well, we use messenger instead) because it's a reminder day after day that we're separate and he can't see my face other that on a screen, hence it makes more and more obvious that he can't touch me, that he cant hug me..whenever he wants or needs to do so. I don't really know what to say cause I feel exactly the same as you, so I cant give any advice when I dont have advice for myself :frown: But if you ever need to talk just pm me:smile:


Hey :smile: thanks so much :smile:
He still hasn't contacted me and now I'm just really down and miss him :frown: there's also other horrible stuff going on in my life right now which he could have been a bit more considerate of. He's so stubborn they the whole day will go by and nothing and then what, do I ignore him tomorrow as well? Acting like nothing's happened would be like me saying it doesn't matter which it DOES. I'm always pretending stuff doesn't matter when it really really does :frown: but I miss him and this would just turn into a massive thing which I don't really want :frown:
At the beginning of our friendship I wasn't really into him- he was just crazy about me and it used to just break his heart seeing me so uncommitted and distant, even the first time we were together which ended quite quickly because I didn't feel anything more than friendship for him and then I fell for someone else, but back then when he was the one chasing after me, he was almost TOO intense! I understand he's toughened up and grown up since then, but I was just so elusive and way more interested in being a bit of a runaround sue rather than a monogamous girlfriend, something I wasn't quite ready for, that he just threw everything into trying to keep me, and now I'm just taken for granted pretty often.
I also understand it is difficult to maintain a sex life in an LDR, but I'm sure you and I have both found ways to keep the spark going :wink: however since January, I think, we've barely had any kind of sexual interaction (eg messages, Skype etc) at all. And in the rare cases we have, guess who initiated it every single time? Sometimes I try and he just has no interest. I don't understand because we have a very active sex life when we're together, so it's not like he has no libido. My sex drive is pretty high and I'm sure you understand how frustrating it gets, but at times like this I just feel completely undesirable because he never initiates anything. To make it worse, every so often I'll casually try and initiate that kind of conversation which used to work wonders when we hadn't actually slept together yet, and he just ignores it.
Don't get me wrong, he's not a constantly mean and cold boyfriend: quite often I'll feel happy and loved, even through an email, but it's times like these where I just think something important is missing that doesn't have to be.
Original post by jeh_jeh
This actually happened to me recently - we'd argued over something inconsequential, and then I went on to have a couple of horrible and non-stop days, didn't have time (literally) to call him and I didn't hear from him until I got into contact. His reasoning was that he "thought [I was] angry and wanted to give [me] time to calm down." I did kind of explain that him not making an effort to talk to me was making me angrier and even more stressed, though. :p:

I don't know whether it's because boys have somehow been socially conditioned to believe that girls "play games" by their very nature, or something, and so play the ignore tactic as soon as they sense it could be happening, but you are not alone in always being the first one to "crumble". After quite a few conversations, my boyfriend is getting better at recognising that sometimes ignoring me when he's upset me or I'm stressed will just exacerbate the situation, but it is hard. Also, I think girls probably stress over this more than guys in general - my boyfriend just tends to lose a couple of hours to the XBox as soon as he's vaguely stressed, whereas I sit there over-analysing for hours. :sad:


:sad:

He just sent me a chirpy email complaining about Student Finance, asking how I am and saying he miiiiiissssssses me, just two minutes after the point at which I finally cracked and burst into tears, something which I haven't done in a while.
I just can't take any more of this combination of relationship problems, very very serious work problems and the pressure of exams, I just can't :frown:
Original post by such_a_lady
I just can't take any more of this combination of relationship problems, very very serious work problems and the pressure of exams, I just can't :frown:


Really hope things pick up for you :hugs: I'm terrible with advice so sorry that I can't say anything helpful but I hope you feel better soon :sad:
Ugh forgot to click off anon again :sigh: ^ that was me :h:
Thank you xxx
Original post by such_a_lady
:sad:

He just sent me a chirpy email complaining about Student Finance, asking how I am and saying he miiiiiissssssses me, just two minutes after the point at which I finally cracked and burst into tears, something which I haven't done in a while.



Wow, lucky you, this has just made me wonder when was the last time he said he misses me and i can't even remember when did that happen last :/ I'm happy for you though, I'm sure you deserved that email, and it will give you some strength to keep going :smile: Does he know how you feel in relation to everything else apart from your relationship? Does he know that you're in a really low mood at the moment? He's your bf, he should be your biggest support. I know it's hard to help the other person when you're in a LDR, but im sure if you tell him how you feel and how much you need him to make this extra effort of being a little bit more affective cause that gives you strength, he will understand it and will try to do so!
Original post by Colpejafort
Wow, lucky you, this has just made me wonder when was the last time he said he misses me and i can't even remember when did that happen last :/ I'm happy for you though, I'm sure you deserved that email, and it will give you some strength to keep going :smile: Does he know how you feel in relation to everything else apart from your relationship? Does he know that you're in a really low mood at the moment? He's your bf, he should be your biggest support. I know it's hard to help the other person when you're in a LDR, but im sure if you tell him how you feel and how much you need him to make this extra effort of being a little bit more affective cause that gives you strength, he will understand it and will try to do so!



Thank you so so much for putting everything into perspective for me. I really appreciate everything you said, and followed your advice and he did help me get through my breakdown :/ at first he was like "oh god what is it this time" but then he got really concerned when he realised how serious it was, and when he saw how miserable my life is right now he sent me a lovely email saying that he loved me so much (saying "so" 14 times :P), that he's so looking forward to July and has already found a hotel for when we visit Berlin, which we have to book in two weeks, and that he misses cuddling with me. All of which helped me, as you can imagine. So thank you for helping me to get a good perspective on things :smile:¡Te quedas fuerte!
Original post by such_a_lady
Thank you so so much for putting everything into perspective for me. I really appreciate everything you said, and followed your advice and he did help me get through my breakdown :/ at first he was like "oh god what is it this time" but then he got really concerned when he realised how serious it was, and when he saw how miserable my life is right now he sent me a lovely email saying that he loved me so much (saying "so" 14 times :P), that he's so looking forward to July and has already found a hotel for when we visit Berlin, which we have to book in two weeks, and that he misses cuddling with me. All of which helped me, as you can imagine. So thank you for helping me to get a good perspective on things :smile:¡Te quedas fuerte!


Aww, I'm very happy for you! guys can be very simple sometimes and even though we may think they should know the way we're feeling at any moment, sometimes they just need a hint or a little push to help them know what we're expecting from them or what we actually need from them in certain situations. Communication is always the best solution to any problem, even more in a LDR, so when you're feeling in a low mood dont ever think it's gonna be a burden for him to listen to your problems or that he's gonna feel forced to help you, remember that before being your bf he's basically your best friend, someone you can trust and someone who is looking for your happiness :smile:

Latest