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Ex boyfriend crushed my self esteem...

I need some help picking myself up at the moment. I basically just discovered that my boyfriend of about a year (now ex) has been cheating on me, and sleeping with my 16 year old sister's best friend during the latter part of our relationship. I'm 19 myself, and I've never felt so terrible about myself before. When I confronted him about this, he was quick to admit to it. He was also quick to subsequently break up with me. He told me I had been lucky to get into a relationship with him at all, because I was 'ugly' and 'who would have my any way'.

Now, I'm not a softie, and I really don't give a **** about him at all, having discovered this. But there is -one- scar that I really can't seem to remove, and that's the malicious attack on my appearance. I feel very ugly, under-appreciated and unwanted. I can't help but wonder whether he's right, 'who would have my any way'? The fact that no boys seem interested in me whatsoever is doing nothing but confirming this...I just don't know what to do. I'm finding myself looking at other girls and wishing I was as beautiful as them. I know I'm not 'great' in the looks department, but I never really thought I was bad enough to be coined 'ugly' either.

I don't know what to do. Please give me advice, are there ways I can make myself better looking? Perhaps makeup routines, skincare regimes? I'm starting to feel like there really is something wrong with me...please help. :frown: And I'm sorry if this sounds very trivial, but it -was- my first ever relationship, which has made it all a very scarring ordeal. I just need some help with self-improvement, and ways I can pick myself up and move on with my life.

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I'm very sorry about your whole ordeal, your ex-boyfriend sounds like a horrible person, it's one thing to cheat, but you bad mouth you as such is the sign of a really low individual. I'm certain that he's just used your appearance as a malicious attack, just as you've suggested and it has no actual weight to it. I struggle with my self confidence about my appearance and body too, to a very extreme extent. I personally would treat myself to a girly day, get a close friend to come over and bring some cheerfull films, and paint my nails ect. Put some music on, dance round my room. It'll take time, but you'll realize that you should be appreciated.
Reply 2
Getting over someone really sucks and if they've been unkind it must be doubly hard.
I wouldn't take too much notice about what he said - he sounds like a total cad!

People generally respond to happy, radiant people so do things to make you feel good about yourself and just give it time.
Reply 3
I think you need to think rationally here for a moment. Your boyfriend who cheated on you with your younger sister's friend called you ugly and you're taking it to heart.

For one, just as a tip, looks are not the be-all and end-all. I know it's very difficult to avoid being obsessed with them as a young woman in our society, but they really are insignificant. Try your best to feel comfortable with yourself. If changing how you look in terms of hair/makeup/clothing is something that interests you, then by all means do it, but do it for fun (like playing dress-up like you did as a child), don't do it because you feel inadequate.

Secondly, personality is the most important thing about any person. I know this gets bandied around a lot and you're probably thinking 'yeah, yeah', but it's true. Who would you rather spend an evening with? A person who makes you laugh until you cry or a statue?

I understand that you're probably very hurt by this whole situation, but try your best to forget it and remember that it wasn't your fault.
Ignore his comments get out with your friends and enjoy some nights out a lad will pop up I promise
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
I need some help picking myself up at the moment. I basically just discovered that my boyfriend of about a year (now ex) has been cheating on me, and sleeping with my 16 year old sister's best friend during the latter part of our relationship. I'm 19 myself, and I've never felt so terrible about myself before. When I confronted him about this, he was quick to admit to it. He was also quick to subsequently break up with me. He told me I had been lucky to get into a relationship with him at all, because I was 'ugly' and 'who would have my any way'.

Now, I'm not a softie, and I really don't give a **** about him at all, having discovered this. But there is -one- scar that I really can't seem to remove, and that's the malicious attack on my appearance. I feel very ugly, under-appreciated and unwanted. I can't help but wonder whether he's right, 'who would have my any way'? The fact that no boys seem interested in me whatsoever is doing nothing but confirming this...I just don't know what to do. I'm finding myself looking at other girls and wishing I was as beautiful as them. I know I'm not 'great' in the looks department, but I never really thought I was bad enough to be coined 'ugly' either.

I don't know what to do. Please give me advice, are there ways I can make myself better looking? Perhaps makeup routines, skincare regimes? I'm starting to feel like there really is something wrong with me...please help. :frown: And I'm sorry if this sounds very trivial, but it -was- my first ever relationship, which has made it all a very scarring ordeal. I just need some help with self-improvement, and ways I can pick myself up and move on with my life.


This guy is a nasty piece of work. Sounds like he's trying to shift the blame on you by calling you ugly because it makes him feel better to think he was so 'thoughtful and amazing' for throwing you a look in and thereby doing you a favour. When really, it's him who has the problem here.

I doubt he cheated on you because of your looks, he probably cheated because he likes the thrill of cheating in itself, or feeling like a 'player' by getting both a relationship then the added plus of another girl on the side.

There isn't anything wrong with you, everyone has that ex that just happens to be a dick and they didn't realise quick enough. I don't think I know of any girl who's been cheated on who hasn't said they felt unwanted, under-appreciated and ugly as a result. It's natural to feel like that but it doesn't mean you are, just our ability to find flaws within ourself and blame something that we might have done rather than them.

Honestly, it's not beauty regimes that are gonna help you, but gaining your self confidence back. You need to start believing that this wasn't your fault and you were just the victim of an idiot who can't think with his head. He is so not right here.
Reply 6
Original post by KJane
This guy is a nasty piece of work. Sounds like he's trying to shift the blame on you by calling you ugly because it makes him feel better to think he was so 'thoughtful and amazing' for throwing you a look in and thereby doing you a favour. When really, it's him who has the problem here.

I doubt he cheated on you because of your looks, he probably cheated because he likes the thrill of cheating in itself, or feeling like a 'player' by getting both a relationship then the added plus of another girl on the side.

There isn't anything wrong with you, everyone has that ex that just happens to be a dick and they didn't realise quick enough. I don't think I know of any girl who's been cheated on who hasn't said they felt unwanted, under-appreciated and ugly as a result. It's natural to feel like that but it doesn't mean you are, just our ability to find flaws within ourself and blame something that we might have done rather than them.

Honestly, it's not beauty regimes that are gonna help you, but gaining your self confidence back. You need to start believing that this wasn't your fault and you were just the victim of an idiot who can't think with his head. He is so not right here.


Thanks for this. :frown: Oh god I feel like crying. The thing is, it's not just my appearance, I'm also of oriental descent. His mother is Finnish and she hated me. She believes in this preservation of the white race thing, and basically wanted him to be with a white girl. I'm 'white' complexion-wise, but I'm eastern by ethnicity. It's hard to feel beautiful when you have the added weight of coming from a part of the world which doesn't exactly have representatives in Hollywood or TV ads. There's a sort of message that seeps through the media sometimes, i.e. that you're not beautiful unless your western-white/black. Because there just aren't any Arabs/Indian girls that are famous for their looks. I'm definitely over thinking this and I feel like I'm becoming delusional, but I can't help agonising over pictures of his previous girlfriends, and wishing I had their beautiful blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. I know I must sound stupid, but he was a nice guy and I'm sure that my own inadequacies may have ruined our relationship too. It always takes two to tango, and we were together for so long. I don't know, and I'm sorry for typing out such a sob story. :frown: I'm just struggling to accept myself. There are so many things I wish I could change, and my appearance has recently become one of them.
Original post by Anonymous
I need some help picking myself up at the moment. I basically just discovered that my boyfriend of about a year (now ex) has been cheating on me, and sleeping with my 16 year old sister's best friend during the latter part of our relationship. I'm 19 myself, and I've never felt so terrible about myself before. When I confronted him about this, he was quick to admit to it. He was also quick to subsequently break up with me. He told me I had been lucky to get into a relationship with him at all, because I was 'ugly' and 'who would have my any way'.

Now, I'm not a softie, and I really don't give a **** about him at all, having discovered this. But there is -one- scar that I really can't seem to remove, and that's the malicious attack on my appearance. I feel very ugly, under-appreciated and unwanted. I can't help but wonder whether he's right, 'who would have my any way'? The fact that no boys seem interested in me whatsoever is doing nothing but confirming this...I just don't know what to do. I'm finding myself looking at other girls and wishing I was as beautiful as them. I know I'm not 'great' in the looks department, but I never really thought I was bad enough to be coined 'ugly' either.

I don't know what to do. Please give me advice, are there ways I can make myself better looking? Perhaps makeup routines, skincare regimes? I'm starting to feel like there really is something wrong with me...please help. :frown: And I'm sorry if this sounds very trivial, but it -was- my first ever relationship, which has made it all a very scarring ordeal. I just need some help with self-improvement, and ways I can pick myself up and move on with my life.



Well, that guy is clearly an idiot. It's natural to feel low self esteem when someone says things like; someone has broken up with me before for very superficial reasons, and I felt crushed. YOU aren't the one that needs to change anything. He is the one who is in desperate need of a change. I'm guessing he probably felt guilt for what he did to you (quite rightly) and took it out on you, instead of admitting to himself what an idiot he is.

You don't need make-up or skincare routines! Do what you want to do, not what someone else has forced you into doing. Get out with friends and the people who do value you for who you really are; that'll boost your self esteem :smile:
Reply 8
You're probably in an emotional state at the moment and not really thinking rationally. Seems like he just got defensive and had nothing else to throw at you and all he could think of was attacking your appearance because you haven't done anything wrong to begin with. To be fair, think of it this way: if he really thinks all of that about you then that is more of a reflection on him for dating you in the first place - no, it doesn't mean he was nice and thoughtful, just means he was a bit of a douche who has finally shown his true colours, no? :p:

I am sure you are not ugly and you don't need to dwell on trying to make yourself look pretty!
Reply 9
That guy sounds like an absolute douche. I would say that he's probably saying it just to be spiteful so I wouldn't worry. If it was me, I think I'd go out and have a night with my female friends, especially if you share with them what happened to you. If you're not the type to share everything with your friends then maybe ask your mum or female relatives? Or even if you're close to your dad! Just don't dump it on yourself and get caught up in it. Hope this helps!
Reply 10
If you were ugly, he wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place. He's just stung that you found out about his whole cheating affair.
Reply 11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM&ob=av2e

Sorry to hear about your issue :/ But it sounds like you deserve better anyway :smile: Chin up <3 If there's anything we can do to help just say :P
Reply 12
Original post by mel0n
You're probably in an emotional state at the moment and not really thinking rationally. Seems like he just got defensive and had nothing else to throw at you and all he could think of was attacking your appearance because you haven't done anything wrong to begin with. To be fair, think of it this way: if he really thinks all of that about you then that is more of a reflection on him for dating you in the first place - no, it doesn't mean he was nice and thoughtful, just means he was a bit of a douche who has finally shown his true colours, no? :p:

I am sure you are not ugly and you don't need to dwell on trying to make yourself look pretty!


I don't want to just delude myself into thinking it was all his fault either! I always knew from the start that it was a 'step-down' for him to be dating someone like me, after dating stunning models in the past...the reason he attacked my appearance is probably because he recognised it was my weakness in this relationship. I have to face the truth...he was always out of my league!

This is going to sound like the saddest thing ever...can I send you a picture of myself, and one of his ex girlfriends for contrast? I need honest opinions here, more than anything. :frown: Because at the moment I feel as though if I was beautiful, my life would be far, far less complicated.
Lots of people (myself included) always say they're jealous of oriental/asian people for their hair, I bet you've got gorgeous dark glossy hair. Probably dead straight too? But anyway, who is HE to tell you you're ugly? Don't care what HE thinks, anyone who cheats on someone like that doesn't have an opinion worth taking into account. People are saying beauty regimes don't work but I always find when someone has said I'm ugly it does actually make you feel better about yourself if you get your hair/nails done, do a face pack, take a nice long bath etc...it might be "shallow" but it does help for me anyway! In all honesty he probably said that just to hurt you, I bet you're not ugly at all. Go shopping, maybe try a new nail varnish colour or something new with your make up - not for HIM, for you. Make yourself feel good for yourself.
Guys don't go out with girls they find unattractive in general. He when out with you hence he is either the exception to the rule or he's was just saying it to hurt you. In the situation, been going out for a year just got caught, one seems far more likely than the other.

On a side note, a 19 year old with a 16 year old is just sad, even sadder when he has a 19 year old GF. The rate you mature at that age, that's like a 10 year mental age gap. Unless he was in there for her hot 16 year old body :facepalm2:
Reply 15
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for this. :frown: Oh god I feel like crying. The thing is, it's not just my appearance, I'm also of oriental descent. His mother is Finnish and she hated me. She believes in this preservation of the white race thing, and basically wanted him to be with a white girl. I'm 'white' complexion-wise, but I'm eastern by ethnicity. It's hard to feel beautiful when you have the added weight of coming from a part of the world which doesn't exactly have representatives in Hollywood or TV ads. There's a sort of message that seeps through the media sometimes, i.e. that you're not beautiful unless your western-white/black. Because there just aren't any Arabs/Indian girls that are famous for their looks. I'm definitely over thinking this and I feel like I'm becoming delusional, but I can't help agonising over pictures of his previous girlfriends, and wishing I had their beautiful blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. I know I must sound stupid, but he was a nice guy and I'm sure that my own inadequacies may have ruined our relationship too. It always takes two to tango, and we were together for so long. I don't know, and I'm sorry for typing out such a sob story. :frown: I'm just struggling to accept myself. There are so many things I wish I could change, and my appearance has recently become one of them.


Don't worry, we all need to vent. :tongue:

The media is truly horrible to women and has an extremely narrow view of what an ideal woman is that many just can't achieve. No one is perfect as the media portrays, one minute they'll paint a celebrity as looking fabulous, give them a week and they'll slate the exact same person for underdressing, a wrinkle from a frown, an awkward pose that the camera snapped at that exact moment. Even the celebrities can barely live up to their own portrayal in the media. And hollywood is well known for not representing women and giving mixed messages.

Ugh, sounds like you can pinpoint where your boyfriend got his bad habits from, if his mother has been teaching him these racist ideas then that would explain why he didn't value your relationship and why he felt entitled to cheat. You sound really better off without this guy and his family. It really sucks when your first relationship goes bad, I've experienced it too. But if you start blaming how you look its going to turn into a nasty cycle of self blame and hating yourself. Comparing ourselves to women in the media is just a way we're gonna punish ourselves, the majority of images are airbrushed anyway, it's amazing seeing celebrities without make up and not dressed up. Maybe you could look into other cultures, women in other cultures seeing as they are so under represented here.

I think acceptable yourself comes from learning to hold your head up high and convincing yourself that you are worth it. You deserve so much more than this guy and it's not fair the way he's made you feel. But don't start believing you're ugly, no good will come of it. You can be the most beautiful person in the world and still be alone if you have no personality.

Self confidence will do more of a boost in meeting people than working on your looks will, because it's not addressing the root cause of why you feel like you do.
post a pic of yourself and we'll tell you if you're ugly or not
Reply 17
Based on what you've told, he's an idiot for saying such a thing and you're definitely not "out of his league". I truly hope you understand this and realise that you are not to blame for any of what happened. He just wants to feel better about himself and justify what he was doing - show him that his words don't really affect you and that his "justifications" are ridiculous and false.

Original post by Anonymous
The thing is, it's not just my appearance, I'm also of oriental descent. His mother is Finnish and she hated me. She believes in this preservation of the white race thing, and basically wanted him to be with a white girl. I'm 'white' complexion-wise, but I'm eastern by ethnicity. It's hard to feel beautiful when you have the added weight of coming from a part of the world which doesn't exactly have representatives in Hollywood or TV ads. There's a sort of message that seeps through the media sometimes, i.e. that you're not beautiful unless your western-white/black. Because there just aren't any Arabs/Indian girls that are famous for their looks.


I just have to say that I am actually Finnish and would love to look Arabic :colondollar: So don't worry about that either :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
I don't want to just delude myself into thinking it was all his fault either! I always knew from the start that it was a 'step-down' for him to be dating someone like me, after dating stunning models in the past...the reason he attacked my appearance is probably because he recognised it was my weakness in this relationship. I have to face the truth...he was always out of my league!

This is going to sound like the saddest thing ever...can I send you a picture of myself, and one of his ex girlfriends for contrast? I need honest opinions here, more than anything. :frown: Because at the moment I feel as though if I was beautiful, my life would be far, far less complicated.


send it to me, i'll be blunt. he might have just said that because he thought that you felt that way, rather than that being actually true?
He picked the thing he thought would hurt you most. I know it's hard to believe, but it wasn't a reflection on your appearance - some people can be really spiteful when they know they're in the wrong.

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