am i to blame or is my girlfriend just jealous/clingy?

A few days ago I was on facebook chat privately talking to a close friend about stuff at uni and conversation turned to this girl from a society who kept asking to meet up for drinks with me and this other guy to talk music etc. During the conversation i remarked that the girl in question was very attractive and that I may have made a move on her if I hadnt met my current girlfriend before hand and why didnt he do so instead.

(Note: I said "if" I hadnt met my current girlfriend, i said nothing about cheating on her now.)

Next day I get a tearful phone call from my girlfriend saying did i know my facebook password was saved on her computer and she'd logged in and gone through and read the whole conversation and "why did you say blah blah blah?" and that she was really upset and she would break up with me if I didnt ignore and delete the said girl off facebook/phone and "how could you find someone else attractive when you're out with me?"

I told her i was sorry that she got upset from it and i didnt want to hurt her, but that it was really her own fault for snooping and reading private convos between me and my friends. I kept refusing to delete the girl on the grounds that Id made no move on her, or said anything to suggest that I wanted to date her, plus i like her as a friend and it would be really rude to just blank her and delete her. I also said that being attractive and wanting to date someone are different things... but even now, days later she is still going on about it.

Who is right in this situation?

(edited 11 years ago)

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Reply 1

MattCunnelly

Both in the wrong. She shouldn't of logged onto your Facebook at all, doesn't matter if she knows your password or if it's saved there's no reason for her to log on - but at the same time you shouldn't of said such things.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 2

Schroedinger's Pandora

I'd be pretty crushed if I knew my boyfriend talking like that to his friends. That's so disrespectful. If I were your girlfriend, I'd probably dump you, to be totally honest. I wouldn't want to be an "option" for my boyfriend.

Reply 3

codle

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

This. If you don't treat your girlfriend right, you don't deserve her. Whilst I don't think you should block your friend on Facebook, you need to sit down with your girlfriend and apologise. You need to consider her feelings.

EDIT: Okay, I'll admit the above was a little harsh (possibly fuelled by my bad mood at the time - please accept my apologies). Please be directed to my comment a few spaces below, where I explain that the OP's girlfriend probably sees their relationship slightly differently to the OP. I have moments of feeling fairly insecure, so I had some sympathy with OP's girlfriend when I first read this, but admittedly it was wrong to say that he doesn't deserve her. I hope everything between the couple is sorted and that they begin to understand each other more.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 4

Clez

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

Why disrespectful? Surely everyone is an "option" when you first meet them when you choose to either date them or not. I didnt say that it was a choice now, I said only if I hadnt met her (the gf) - I make it quite clear to all my friends that shes amazing 24/7 and if i liked someone else, i would just dump her, surely?

Reply 5

Clez

Original post by codle

This. If you don't treat your girlfriend right, you don't deserve her.

How is talking to my friends privately not treating her right?

Reply 6

codle

Original post by Clez

How is talking to my friends privately not treating her right?

I don't think you considered her feelings when you messaged them - whenever you put something down in writing there's a chance that somebody you don't want to will see it.
Most guys don't realise that girls see relationships differently to them. Not all, but some girls want to be their boyfriend's 'only' - the only person they love etc. By talking in the way you did, you implied that this was not the case. Saying 'if I didn't have a girlfriend...' can sound like that's what you actually want. Whilst that wasn't what you meant, you should try and see it from her perspective - she probably feels insecure about you leaving her.
I hope you two sort it out

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 7

Schroedinger's Pandora

Original post by Clez

You asked for an unbiased opinion and you got one. If you were my boyfriend you would be dumped.

Reply 8

minniiee

i dont think its thaaaaaat bad....
if you werent with your girlfriend you would be tyring it on with soemone else and the same goes for here so...
having said that it can't have been nice for here to find out like that without the proper context etc...

Reply 9

Pkysam

Original post by Clez

Who is right in this situation?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

:wink:

Reply 10

Clez

Original post by codle

i see. thanks for your advice :smile:

Reply 11

Clez

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

You asked for an unbiased opinion and you got one. If you were my boyfriend you would be dumped.

Im glad Im not, you sound miserable as sin. I just wanted a clearer explanation or advice to explain the rationale behind her thoughts, rather than just "I would have dumped you"

Reply 12

Clez

Original post by Pkysam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

:wink:

that sums it up in entirety

Reply 13

Pkysam

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

You asked for an unbiased opinion and you got one. If you were my boyfriend you would be dumped.

Original post by Clez

i see. thanks for your advice :smile:

Just my 2 cents, but I totally disagree with quite a lot of the advice being dished out in this thread. It's a very personal thing, but I think relationships work best when everyone can be completely honest. I met my wife at 19, I'm now 30 (and still a student.. long story). I once told her I "wouldn't have picked her out in a crowd" and I'm still regularly quoted on that. The truth is closer to the Tim Minchin song I linked above, and what I'd meant was that I'd really liked her when I met her, not just because of what she looked like but because we had lots to talk about. Maybe she didn't want to hear the truth, but in the end if you tell the truth you never have to remember what you said and there's enough other things to worry about remembering. You can be realistic or you can play along with some ludicrous fantasy in which once you're with someone you never find anyone else attractive again. I fully expect my wife to find other guys attractive, it's quite ok for her to say so, it's not ok for her to sleep with them. That's the deal. If I got hit by a bus, I'd fully expect her to find someone else, who I hope would make her at least as happy as I do, and I'd fully expect her to move on from me.

There are people in this thread who have suggested they'd break up with you for doing what you did, but I see no dishonesty in what you said. Perhaps some women would prefer relationships with men who routinely lie to them to keep them happy, but I wonder if they have completely thought through the implications of that. I think what you did was fine, I think it's fine to reassure your girlfriend that you love her very much and that just because she's not the only attractive girl on the planet doesn't mean you'd give up your relationship with her that you've both built together. Attractiveness isn't equivalent to a relationship, you didn't cheat, you didn't lie. My advice to you is try to explain to her why it's better to be honest and realistic, and if she really doesn't want a boyfriend who can look her in the eye and say "Of course I find other women attractive, but I love you and I wouldn't swap what I have with you for anything", then perhaps it's never going to last anyway.

Reply 14

Clez

Original post by minniiee

well thats what i thought...and said...

I did feel really bad that she read it because it would have looked pretty bad and id never want her to ever be upset, but i was saying "if id never met person x I mightve gone for person y" in the context of "since i did meet person x first, person y has had no impact on me romantically, but she's still more physically appealing than, for instance, persons a -w, but less than equal to person x, which if I am included as person z, and the entire population of the world is considered to be 26, would suggest that I prefer person x". But she wont listen :frown:

Reply 15

Schroedinger's Pandora

Original post by Clez

Im glad Im not, you sound miserable as sin. I just wanted a clearer explanation or advice to explain the rationale behind her thoughts, rather than just "I would have dumped you"

I'm not miserable at all! After one particularly horrific relationship, I'm of an attitude whereby any disrespect will be treated as a red flag. The important thing here is that you didn't say it to her, you said it to your friend behind her back because you knew it would hurt her feelings. If my boyfriend started talking to his friends about who he's be making a move on if he wasn't with me then I'd invite him to do so without me. If I loved my boyfriend, I wouldn't even be thinking of other boys, let alone which ones I'd bang if he wasn't in the picture.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 16

Converse

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

You asked for an unbiased opinion and you got one. If you were my boyfriend you would be dumped.

Haven't you posted numerous times on this forum about an ex that cheated on you and you finding out after going through his phone? Hardly a biased reply then.

OP, you did nothing wrong. All you said was that if you didn't have your GF you'd be going after another girl, which is obvious really. In fact you even suggested that your mate makes a move on her.

If anything she is in the wrong, snooping for no apparent reason. Probably not the first time she has done it either, more than likely this only the first time she has found what she believes to be cause for concern.

Personally, I'd tell her that of she does that again, she's dumped. Then I'd change my password and make sure I dont put it on automatic login when I go round hers.

Edit: Wow, you posted as I was writing my reply.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 17

Pan's-Labyrinth

Original post by Clez

Who is right in this situation?

I would also be a bit miffed if I'd read that BUT yes, again it would of been my own fault for snooping in the first place...AND you did also say 'if' you hadn't already got a girlfriend, you made no move and you didn't hint or suggest cheating on your girlfriend...so that being said you haven't done anything wrong.

Sad thing is regardless of how attractive a persons partner is, there will always be someone out there better looking that is just life, not a crime. The fact you mentioned she was attractive is just fact your girlfriend has to accept that you will find other people good looking but doesn't mean you will cheat. I'm sure she finds other guys hot but just hasn't said anything...it's life.

My boyfriend always says how other girls are attractive, it bugs me but not to an extent where I tell him to delete these girls etc.

Reply 18

Pkysam

Original post by Converse

Personally, I'd tell her that of she does that again, she's dumped. Then I'd change my password and make sure I dont put it on automatic login when I go round hers.

Why does everyone want someone to dump someone? The whole of TSR seems to have it in for the OP's relationship! Needless to say this is pretty bad advice too. Who cares that she saw what you said, it's true isn't it? There's nothing dishonest or that you need to hide from her or be ashamed of. Let her see it. Tell her the truth, it's fine.

Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora

If I loved my boyfriend, I wouldn't even be thinking of other boys, let alone which ones I'd bang if he wasn't in the picture.

Pardon? Did you read his post? Nowhere does it say "I was talking to my friends about which girls I'd "bang" if I didn't have a girlfriend". Perhaps you'd have a problem with your boyfriend having an honest conversation with his friend in which he dared say he thought anyone other than you was nice or attractive, and dared to suggest to a friend that they ask her out for that reason. I fear that once you've found your perfect man who is prepared to lie to you and tell you exactly what you want to hear just to keep you happy, you'll end up a bit disappointed when the fantasy comes crashing down. I don't know if you'd suddenly find all other men unattractive if you had a boyfriend, perhaps you would, perhaps you'd make an effort to pretend to because you think that's important or that's how to have a successful relationship. Most people, though, don't go blind or stop talking to people or stop thinking people are nice and interesting just because they have a partner. That doesn't make them deceitful or unfaithful.

Reply 19

Pan's-Labyrinth

Original post by pkysam

why does everyone want someone to dump someone? The whole of tsr seems to have it in for the op's relationship! Needless to say this is pretty bad advice too. Who cares that she saw what you said, it's true isn't it? There's nothing dishonest or that you need to hide from her or be ashamed of. Let her see it. Tell her the truth, it's fine.

Pardon? Did you read his post? Nowhere does it say "i was talking to my friends about which girls i'd "bang" if i didn't have a girlfriend". Perhaps you'd have a problem with your boyfriend having an honest conversation with his friend in which he dared say he thought anyone other than you was nice or attractive, and dared to suggest to a friend that they ask her out for that reason. I fear that once you've found your perfect man who is prepared to lie to you and tell you exactly what you want to hear just to keep you happy, you'll end up a bit disappointed when the fantasy comes crashing down. I don't know if you'd suddenly find all other men unattractive if you had a boyfriend, perhaps you would, perhaps you'd make an effort to pretend to because you think that's important or that's how to have a successful relationship. Most people, though, don't go blind or stop talking to people or stop thinking people are nice and interesting just because they have a partner. That doesn't make them deceitful or unfaithful.