I've been losing weight since winter 2011. I was the high end of normal for 8-10months, now I am underweight and seeing bones. I feel both worried/scared but also in a strange way relieved. Seeing the bones and being thin again somehow feels like a 'relief'. I don't understand why.
I have spent most of the last 10 years underweight, a couple of years normal weight and now underweight again.
I feel a bit guilty about the weight loss too. My boyfriend was cuddling me and said, "Oh God, you're getting scrawny again. Your ribs and hip bones are back."
I felt very 'fat' when I was normal and high end of normal weight and now I feel relieved that I am no longer 'fat'. My weight feels acceptable to me now, but I know that now I will have to maintain or lose, I will get very upset if I gain.
tldr: how do you fight the ED, when it feels like the ED *is* you? The ED thoughts are my own thoughts. It's not like someone telling me "you're fat, you need to lose weight", it's my own thoughts "I am too fat, I need to lose more weight. I will feel better if I lose more weight." And certainly yes, there is a temporary relief or buzz from weight loss, but it doesn't last and can only be improved upon by further weight loss. It's a crazy downward spiral.