How common are non-jealous girls?
From the sounds of things, it seems as though many girlfriends of people are very posessive and jealous, and are disapproving of their boyfriends seeing his other girl friends (even when there is clearly nothing going on between them). It seems as though even though the girl cannot prove that there definitely is something between her boyfriend and another female person that he happens to know, she suspects it anyway and unjustifiably assumes it to be correct.
I know that girls instinctively do this to avoid any risk of being cheated on, but isn't there a happy medium? I am in no way justifying cheating, but more so I don't really understand the origin of the jealousy even when it has been explained that there is nothing going on between the guy and a girl who he happens to know but where there is nothing between them.
Out of curiosity, how common is it to find girls who do not have a high level of possessiveness like this? Even if they do exist, do they have some other undesirable quality to make up for it?
I know that girls instinctively do this to avoid any risk of being cheated on, but isn't there a happy medium? I am in no way justifying cheating, but more so I don't really understand the origin of the jealousy even when it has been explained that there is nothing going on between the guy and a girl who he happens to know but where there is nothing between them.
Out of curiosity, how common is it to find girls who do not have a high level of possessiveness like this? Even if they do exist, do they have some other undesirable quality to make up for it?
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My previous partner got pissed because I wasn't jealous enough :3
i.e I let him do pretty much whatever he wanted because I trusted him totally. Once he got drunk and kissed someone else. It tortured him to tell me but when he did I shrugged and said 'is that it?' and made jokes (not proud). He accused me of not caring about him and being too relaxed about it all etc. That's not why he left but it didn't help.
Sooo... which would you rather prefer? Someone who is possessive or someone who isn't at all?
i.e I let him do pretty much whatever he wanted because I trusted him totally. Once he got drunk and kissed someone else. It tortured him to tell me but when he did I shrugged and said 'is that it?' and made jokes (not proud). He accused me of not caring about him and being too relaxed about it all etc. That's not why he left but it didn't help.
Sooo... which would you rather prefer? Someone who is possessive or someone who isn't at all?
Tbh I think it just shows that we care and that we are just keeping you in line. I have all my boyfriends passwords and regularly check his emails and facebook and block girls who I think are trying to distract him from me. It is all in the interest of protecting our love life and not jealousy.
Generally, it depends, since some guys just love drama and jealous plot against them. I don't
But a general rule is that if some chicks are insanely jealous, you should stay away from them. You may find them amazingly attractive due to their vulnerability, but chances are she is a great cheater herself. In psychology, this is projection.
Anybody gets jealous, I usually admire and want to closer to girls who are both jealous and still manage to get over logically, I love them.
But a general rule is that if some chicks are insanely jealous, you should stay away from them. You may find them amazingly attractive due to their vulnerability, but chances are she is a great cheater herself. In psychology, this is projection.
Anybody gets jealous, I usually admire and want to closer to girls who are both jealous and still manage to get over logically, I love them.
Original post by sloanegirl
Tbh I think it just shows that we care and that we are just keeping you in line. I have all my boyfriends passwords and regularly check his emails and facebook and block girls who I think are trying to distract him from me. It is all in the interest of protecting our love life and not jealousy.
Surely if there's a high enough level of trust though then that does not need to be done? Also could it be considered excessive?
Original post by Miss O.C.D
Sooo... which would you rather prefer? Someone who is possessive or someone who isn't at all?
Well I would prefer someone who cares about our company but not so much that everything I do is monitored and used against me. There are inevitable circumstances where people are exposed to members of the opposite gender, e.g. at work, school, public, but don't express an interest in them.
Also how many cases are there of guys who left because they ran out of patience with this sort of thing?
I don't consider myself a jealous person, but to a level. If I see I girl touching my boyfriend's ass, I wouldn't get angry at him (unless he actually touches it back or seems genuinely happy with it), but I would let the girl know in a very very civilised way that if she does it again, that would be the very last time she has hands. Nah, just joking! 
but obviously that would make me feel unconfortable and I'd let her know who he is with (if he doesn't do it himself), but I think that's not just me, but everyone else. I don't think that's classified as jealousy, or is it?
Anyway I won't say I'm definetly not jealous, because I guess that depends on the situation and all.
but obviously that would make me feel unconfortable and I'd let her know who he is with (if he doesn't do it himself), but I think that's not just me, but everyone else. I don't think that's classified as jealousy, or is it? Anyway I won't say I'm definetly not jealous, because I guess that depends on the situation and all.
Original post by OL1V3R
Well I would prefer someone who cares about our company but not so much that everything I do is monitored and used against me. There are inevitable circumstances where people are exposed to members of the opposite gender, e.g. at work, school, public, but don't express an interest in them.
Also how many cases are there of guys who left because they ran out of patience with this sort of thing?
Also how many cases are there of guys who left because they ran out of patience with this sort of thing?
I understand and I'm sorry for not being helpful - I can't really speak for womankind in this area since I'm so backward about it (I must be missing that innate instinct of jealousy as a form of protection)
I know a girl who is incredibly possessive (passwords, key codes and all) and guys tend to stay with her no longer than a month from suffocation mostly. So you're definitely not alone in wanting someone who can chill out when she knows the full story.
Wish you all the best in finding one - I'm sure non-jealous girls aren't too hard to find
I personally am not possessive at all. I mean at all.
I guess if extreme jealousy could be attributed to lack of self-esteem, my not caring is caused by too much of that stuff. Funny thing is I don't actually think of myself that highly. But it is to the point it actually has to do more with vanity - if the guy is not crazy enough about me to behave all by himself, then I don't need him. I do not want the one I'm with to be with me simply because he can't get that other girl he actually wants.
The case with my current boyfriend: he's actually so in love with me he wouldn't think of anyone else, I truly believe that. Because I know him and the things he's gone through with/for me (not that I put any of those obstacles intentionally). In fact, tomorrow he's going out of town for 3 days to see a gig and apparently will share a room with 3 girls (that is all they could find in the last minute). Call it whatever you want, but I just can't get myself to be mad or jealous about it. Especially when he's been so open about it from the very beginning.
I guess if extreme jealousy could be attributed to lack of self-esteem, my not caring is caused by too much of that stuff. Funny thing is I don't actually think of myself that highly. But it is to the point it actually has to do more with vanity - if the guy is not crazy enough about me to behave all by himself, then I don't need him. I do not want the one I'm with to be with me simply because he can't get that other girl he actually wants.
The case with my current boyfriend: he's actually so in love with me he wouldn't think of anyone else, I truly believe that. Because I know him and the things he's gone through with/for me (not that I put any of those obstacles intentionally). In fact, tomorrow he's going out of town for 3 days to see a gig and apparently will share a room with 3 girls (that is all they could find in the last minute). Call it whatever you want, but I just can't get myself to be mad or jealous about it. Especially when he's been so open about it from the very beginning.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by nod
I personally am not possessive at all. I mean at all.
I guess if extreme jealousy could be attributed to lack of self-esteem, my not caring is caused by too much of that stuff. Funny thing is I don't actually think of myself that highly. But it is to the point it actually has to do more with vanity - if the guy is not crazy enough about me to behave all by himself, then I don't need him. I do not want the one I'm with to be with me simply because he can't get that other girl he actually wants.
The case with my current boyfriend: he's actually so in love with me he wouldn't think of anyone else, I truly believe that. Because I know him and the things he's gone through with/for me (not that I put any of those obstacles intentionally). In fact, tomorrow he's going out of town for 3 days to see a gig and apparently will share a room with 3 girls (that is all they could find in the last minute). Call it whatever you want, but I just can't get myself to be mad or jealous about it. Especially when he's been so open about it from the very beginning.
I guess if extreme jealousy could be attributed to lack of self-esteem, my not caring is caused by too much of that stuff. Funny thing is I don't actually think of myself that highly. But it is to the point it actually has to do more with vanity - if the guy is not crazy enough about me to behave all by himself, then I don't need him. I do not want the one I'm with to be with me simply because he can't get that other girl he actually wants.
The case with my current boyfriend: he's actually so in love with me he wouldn't think of anyone else, I truly believe that. Because I know him and the things he's gone through with/for me (not that I put any of those obstacles intentionally). In fact, tomorrow he's going out of town for 3 days to see a gig and apparently will share a room with 3 girls (that is all they could find in the last minute). Call it whatever you want, but I just can't get myself to be mad or jealous about it. Especially when he's been so open about it from the very beginning.
Congratulations! He sounds great ^^
Original post by Miss O.C.D
Congratulations! He sounds great ^^
Aw I agree.
As per the thread question:
I'm not the jealous type but I'd get very miffed if I saw a boyfriend flirting with other women. I had a boyfriend who would flirt with other women in front of me whilst ignoring me and it was very upsetting. So yeah if that was going on, he'd be in the ****.
Some men tell women they are acting in a jealous way, to divert from the fact they are being dicks. And someone on here said they didn't mind that their bf kissed someone else, but I'd be feeling really crappy about that if it was me.
I used to be the most laid back girlfriend ever until I got cheated on. I still think jealousy is a horrible thing but I can't avoid my feelings.
Depends.
A girl is likely to be possessive if:
- she is insecure
- she's been treated badly in the past
- she is self-destructive (goes for guys she knows isn't right for her and wait for something bad to happen)
- her boyfriend gives her reason to be
- her boyfriend is constantly placing himself in situations where he is likely/has the option to cheat and/or travels a lot, meets many people etc.
It's a combination of finding the right girl, behaving in such a way that she feels like she can trust you (rather than accusing her of being crazy, which is a sign of guilt).
It's also a matter of girls finding a guy that is right for them. I'm not a halfway-there girl, I don't want to be "kind of" seeing someone, it's either a fling or something serious. I've dated a guy who worked a LOT and met new people through work all the time. Even though I believed him to be a good guy, it puts your relationship at risk. I've also seen through friends, that guys who travel, have many connections and in particular female connections, leave girlfriends quicker, as they have a more direct experience of many girls there are out there. Some guys would never cheat, some guys will always cheat, some guys will cheat given the opportunity. The saying that "if he's a cheater, he'll always find a way" is not true. Not all guys have girls throwing themselves at them and not all guys have the opportunity to have an affair abroad - so having a guy with all those opportunities, it may happen. You can say relationships are based on trust - but as most women have experienced, guys can give Oscar-worthy performances in terms of affection and love and be out the door the next moment. You can't trust anyone but yourself. I also prefer "men's men" who often have mostly male friends - not because female friends put me off, but because their personalities are often more compatible with mine, being a "girl's girl". If girls are constantly writing on a guy's wall or contacting him, it doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating, but it says something about what kind of signs he's sending girls and how they are not concerned with whoever he's dating. Believe me, a lot of girls with male friends are very interested in keeping their male "friend" single (see: female dog whistle).
A lot of men are jealous too, but men hate feeling jealous so much that they'll take charge. A lot of guys won't stay in relationships where they feel jealous.
I'm not particularly jealous in relationships, simply because I steer clear of men with a behavior that can be interpreted as sketchy. The first phases of dating is the time where you should find out a person's pattern and how "open" they are with their lives. If I feel like a guy is hiding his phone/computer around me, has ambiguous facebook comments/posts or regularly goes out giving no message of what he's up to, I'll reconsider taking it further with him. Sure he might be ok, but there are 3 billion men on the planet so no reason why I should date a man who leaves me doubtful.
Most girls I know aren't "possessive". Perhaps you need to get to know a girl better before you choose whether to pursue a relationship with her.
A girl is likely to be possessive if:
- she is insecure
- she's been treated badly in the past
- she is self-destructive (goes for guys she knows isn't right for her and wait for something bad to happen)
- her boyfriend gives her reason to be
- her boyfriend is constantly placing himself in situations where he is likely/has the option to cheat and/or travels a lot, meets many people etc.
It's a combination of finding the right girl, behaving in such a way that she feels like she can trust you (rather than accusing her of being crazy, which is a sign of guilt).
It's also a matter of girls finding a guy that is right for them. I'm not a halfway-there girl, I don't want to be "kind of" seeing someone, it's either a fling or something serious. I've dated a guy who worked a LOT and met new people through work all the time. Even though I believed him to be a good guy, it puts your relationship at risk. I've also seen through friends, that guys who travel, have many connections and in particular female connections, leave girlfriends quicker, as they have a more direct experience of many girls there are out there. Some guys would never cheat, some guys will always cheat, some guys will cheat given the opportunity. The saying that "if he's a cheater, he'll always find a way" is not true. Not all guys have girls throwing themselves at them and not all guys have the opportunity to have an affair abroad - so having a guy with all those opportunities, it may happen. You can say relationships are based on trust - but as most women have experienced, guys can give Oscar-worthy performances in terms of affection and love and be out the door the next moment. You can't trust anyone but yourself. I also prefer "men's men" who often have mostly male friends - not because female friends put me off, but because their personalities are often more compatible with mine, being a "girl's girl". If girls are constantly writing on a guy's wall or contacting him, it doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating, but it says something about what kind of signs he's sending girls and how they are not concerned with whoever he's dating. Believe me, a lot of girls with male friends are very interested in keeping their male "friend" single (see: female dog whistle).
A lot of men are jealous too, but men hate feeling jealous so much that they'll take charge. A lot of guys won't stay in relationships where they feel jealous.
I'm not particularly jealous in relationships, simply because I steer clear of men with a behavior that can be interpreted as sketchy. The first phases of dating is the time where you should find out a person's pattern and how "open" they are with their lives. If I feel like a guy is hiding his phone/computer around me, has ambiguous facebook comments/posts or regularly goes out giving no message of what he's up to, I'll reconsider taking it further with him. Sure he might be ok, but there are 3 billion men on the planet so no reason why I should date a man who leaves me doubtful.
Most girls I know aren't "possessive". Perhaps you need to get to know a girl better before you choose whether to pursue a relationship with her.
(edited 11 years ago)
It's natural to be jealous, but it's not natural to be possessive. If I was with a guy who was really good friends with another girl and I could sense something between them, I'd just ask him about it and tell him to be honest. I wouldn't stop him having female friends, that's just ridiculous and girls who behave like that are really insecure
Original post by Lucia.
Some men tell women they are acting in a jealous way, to divert from the fact they are being dicks. And someone on here said they didn't mind that their bf kissed someone else, but I'd be feeling really crappy about that if it was me.
Some men tell women they are acting in a jealous way, to divert from the fact they are being dicks. And someone on here said they didn't mind that their bf kissed someone else, but I'd be feeling really crappy about that if it was me.
I agree with you, the jealousy accusation can just be a cover up.
I was a little upset when he told me but you should of seen him - it was like he was confessing to murder, so apologetic. I thought it a bit superfluous to give him a hard time, so I was light hearted about it but I guess he wanted me to get mad? :s I dunno relationships confuse me
This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my HTC Wildfire S A510e
I always find the one's who are most paranoid are the ones who are up to no good themselves. Takes one to know one etc.
I'm not jealous/possessive at all. One of my friend's girlfriends is though, she wont talk to any of us (his female friends) even though we all have our own boyfriends.
They are common, but rare. It is an innate natural response to be jealous, it's all down to competition. Even if there is complete innocence on the boyfriend's part if friends with a girl, women will always have that slight element of jealousy because it's competition. Blokes are the same. We display it more because we're a demonstrable sex, we show more of our emotions.
I also think that blokes unecessarily make their girlfriends jealous, to make them feel in demand/validated, which is ridiculous. I have always been a jealous person, but the level of jealousy portrayed depends upon how secure my respective partner makes me feel. He may give me no reason at all to be jealous, with regular reassurance and validation, yet there'll be boyfriends who don't, and haven't matured enough to understand that women need to feel reassured and shown that they are the only girl for them.
I've had a relationship were an ex would make (what would be seen by him as funny), comments about other women, yet it would fuel my jealousy. I don't want to hear him make comments about other women (not necessarily celebs who are unattainable), but your regular girl on the street. My ex would also regularly stare at other girls, and make it obvious. So jealousy is a two way process, its about being secure within yourself, but is also the responsibility of the other person not to make one self feel insecure. Jealousy is a way of showing that we feel threatened by our competition, in effect, and blokes do feel the same it's just that they don't show it.
I've never made a partner feel jealous in any capacity. I want them to feel as though they are the only one I have eyes for. Of course I look at other men when with a partner, it's human nature, but the difference is I do it discreetly and admire for only literally a couple of seconds. However some blokes lack the tact or discrepancy when looking at other girls - they make it obvious, and sometimes go too far. BUT, if im with the type of guy who is funny by nature and rather than being seedy about it, does it in a comedy sort of way (like, 'ooh look at them boobies!!', yet backs it up with a very reassuring comment like 'but yours gorgeous are the best!', then it doesn't feel as threatening. But to ogle, and make his sexual desire so apparent, it's a horrible feeling.
If guys are friends with a girl, we will ALWAYS feel a degree of threat or jealousy - even if you reassure your girlfriend to the max. We are competitive creatures. It would take an AWFUL lot of convincing to show that my boyfriend is not remotely attracted to his female friend. If, she is even remotely pretty, we'll be slightly jealous. For me, being genuine friends with the opposite sex (i.e boy being friends with a girl) is only possible if neither of them find eachother attractive to any degree - then it can work. Ive stayed friends with an ex because i saw him more as a brother, than as a boyfriend. I didn't see him in that light in the end, and that's why i know its possible to be friends because i dont feel any attraction to him at all.
Nothing wrong with a small amount of jealousy, its a sign that they do actually give a **** that they feel threatned or fearful of losing you.
I knew gut wise, that the day i stopped being a little jealous all together with a boyfriend is when i wasn't in love with him anymore. That's from experience. If your girlfriend starts jealous, and then suddenly appears to not be jealous anymore, from my point of view, start worrying.
There are of course relationships were there is no jealousy, which is a situation whereby both of them give eachother the validation and reassurance on a consistent basis.
If you innocently, or deliberately (verbally, or physically) give your girlfriend a reason to be jealous then blame yourself. We are jealous most of the time because guys give us reason to be. Like i said, a small amount of jealousy is healthy and a good sign someone cares about losing you, but unhealthy jealousy is usually indicative that you're giving her reason to be.
I'm alot more relaxed now (im 31), than when i was in my young twenties, but i've learnt that guys sometimes lack the sensitivity or tact when it comes to admiring or being friends with the opposite sex. Just think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
I also think that blokes unecessarily make their girlfriends jealous, to make them feel in demand/validated, which is ridiculous. I have always been a jealous person, but the level of jealousy portrayed depends upon how secure my respective partner makes me feel. He may give me no reason at all to be jealous, with regular reassurance and validation, yet there'll be boyfriends who don't, and haven't matured enough to understand that women need to feel reassured and shown that they are the only girl for them.
I've had a relationship were an ex would make (what would be seen by him as funny), comments about other women, yet it would fuel my jealousy. I don't want to hear him make comments about other women (not necessarily celebs who are unattainable), but your regular girl on the street. My ex would also regularly stare at other girls, and make it obvious. So jealousy is a two way process, its about being secure within yourself, but is also the responsibility of the other person not to make one self feel insecure. Jealousy is a way of showing that we feel threatened by our competition, in effect, and blokes do feel the same it's just that they don't show it.
I've never made a partner feel jealous in any capacity. I want them to feel as though they are the only one I have eyes for. Of course I look at other men when with a partner, it's human nature, but the difference is I do it discreetly and admire for only literally a couple of seconds. However some blokes lack the tact or discrepancy when looking at other girls - they make it obvious, and sometimes go too far. BUT, if im with the type of guy who is funny by nature and rather than being seedy about it, does it in a comedy sort of way (like, 'ooh look at them boobies!!', yet backs it up with a very reassuring comment like 'but yours gorgeous are the best!', then it doesn't feel as threatening. But to ogle, and make his sexual desire so apparent, it's a horrible feeling.
If guys are friends with a girl, we will ALWAYS feel a degree of threat or jealousy - even if you reassure your girlfriend to the max. We are competitive creatures. It would take an AWFUL lot of convincing to show that my boyfriend is not remotely attracted to his female friend. If, she is even remotely pretty, we'll be slightly jealous. For me, being genuine friends with the opposite sex (i.e boy being friends with a girl) is only possible if neither of them find eachother attractive to any degree - then it can work. Ive stayed friends with an ex because i saw him more as a brother, than as a boyfriend. I didn't see him in that light in the end, and that's why i know its possible to be friends because i dont feel any attraction to him at all.
Nothing wrong with a small amount of jealousy, its a sign that they do actually give a **** that they feel threatned or fearful of losing you.
I knew gut wise, that the day i stopped being a little jealous all together with a boyfriend is when i wasn't in love with him anymore. That's from experience. If your girlfriend starts jealous, and then suddenly appears to not be jealous anymore, from my point of view, start worrying.
There are of course relationships were there is no jealousy, which is a situation whereby both of them give eachother the validation and reassurance on a consistent basis.
If you innocently, or deliberately (verbally, or physically) give your girlfriend a reason to be jealous then blame yourself. We are jealous most of the time because guys give us reason to be. Like i said, a small amount of jealousy is healthy and a good sign someone cares about losing you, but unhealthy jealousy is usually indicative that you're giving her reason to be.
I'm alot more relaxed now (im 31), than when i was in my young twenties, but i've learnt that guys sometimes lack the sensitivity or tact when it comes to admiring or being friends with the opposite sex. Just think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
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