ADVISE?: career vs partner/fiancé

Hey guys,

I have a really difficult problem.
I finally decided that I want to go to London (UCL) to do my PhD because I really like the topic. It´s perfect for me. The thing is I should start in August and my fiancé (we are a couple for 7 yrs now and want to marry) still needs to finish her studies at the University in my home tome and she has really good career prospects in Germany because she already has her own little company there.

I am totally torn because it would harm her career if she is moving to London with me because in Germany she would get a huge industrial startup scholarship and in the UK she has to start at point zero.

What should I do?
I could do a partially funded Mphil in Cam to highlight my CV and search for PhD´s in Germany afterwards, but am afraid that I will waste a year.

Any advise... I feel horrible about the whole situation

Reply 1

bone-machine

Original post by to_ni

if you are planning on marrying her career and success should be really important...it will be your shared income. it seems her job prospects and future income are secure abroad where as your phd and where it leads is an unknown. The job market in england is TERRIBLE and dragging her into it when shes all sorted seems pretty unfair from my perspective

personally i would feel that since you have an aternative route to do your phd 'partially funded Mphil in Cam to highlight my CV and search for PhD´s in Germany afterwards' this would be the way to go. it maybe be harder for you but could get you both where you want to go with some secure income for just a years more work on your part

if she moves here you might have an unhappy/isolatedand unemployed girlfriend with a busy boyfriend .....and still no assurance that your phd will ever pay off for you financially.it doesn't sound like a recipe for success financially or for your relationship

best of luck to both of you whatever your decision

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 2

to_ni

Hey,

thanks for your answer. I truly appreciate that.
However, as I said she has her own startup, which will get an industrial scholarship (it´s not a 100% approved yet) from business angels and startups or to be a free-lancer isn´t that secure, right? I mean certainly her future is better organized than mine atm but I am afraid that I´ll find it hard and unsatisfying to return to coursework again. I did an assume job during my Master´s (also published my work in a renowned scientific paper) and I am afraid that I cannot keep up my standard at the Mphil in Cam and consequently might harm my chances for further PhD applications.
Nonetheless, you might be right!!! It´s just hard to decline the PhD offer, since it´s a 100% what I want to do. It´s simply the perfect fit and that´s hard to find!

Hopefully, the whole situation won´t affect our great relationship. I mean I love her!!! That´s the only thing I am sure about...

Cheers

Reply 3

to_ni

Do you think commuting for 3-4 yrs is a reasonable option to consider? Do you think that could work out for us

Nobody?

I think that if you genuinely are supposed to be together you can work through anything. It sounds like a cop out and totally cliche, but I know that I would understand if my boyfriend had to move somewhere to further his career. If it'll benefit you both in the long run and it will be for a specific amount of time (not for an unknown number of years) I think it should be OK.

Reply 6

to_ni

But don´t you think it´s quite risky? I mean we would live different lives with different friends and homes in two different countries for 3-4 yrs. I don´t know if it´s worth to risk my relationship to her just because I want to do the ´perfect´PhD project.

On the otherhand our relationship might suffer under a compromise years later.

Reply 7

bone-machine

Original post by to_ni

Personally if my bf CHOSE to be seperate from me for 3-4 years when there were other ,viable and 'less selfish' options it would definitely mark the beginning of the end. I dont see how a phD (in philosophy?) is worth losing the love of your life over...thats just me.

you could do the same in germany,advance your career there, keep the girl and not drag her out of her own job prosepcts into a crippled uk economy.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 8

dirtbag

Original post by bone-machine

This!

Reply 9

Kaas

I'd say do the PhD at UCL. It will look really good on your CV. What if things change and you don't end up marrying her? You'll regret basing your decision on another person. She doesn't need to move with you. You can always go back after finishing. Be selfish when making decisions regarding your education or you might end up regretting it forever.

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Reply 10

to_ni

Hey bone-machine,

Why are you thinking I am doing a PhD in philosophy? I am a physicist by training :smile:

To be honest I feel like Kaas nailed it pretty well beside the fact that I don´t want to act selfish because I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. However, I also want to have a good educational background because we´re planning to have a family someday and I want my children to get the best start possible.

Regards to all of you and thanks for your thoughts

toni