Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
^^ That's so amazing!!! Well done! It make me really happy to read this 
And inspiring that firstly I'm not alone in still having ED thoughts even though I've been 'recovered' for 18 months, and secondly that it's possible to move on and enjoy eating out and living life to the full. We can do this 
And inspiring that firstly I'm not alone in still having ED thoughts even though I've been 'recovered' for 18 months, and secondly that it's possible to move on and enjoy eating out and living life to the full. We can do this 
Original post by TotoMimo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
PRSOM Toto man!
Original post by TotoMimo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
EXPERIENCING ALL OF THE FEELS. You actually look like your living as opposed to just existing. Even your sister looks happier! Yo sushi = <3.
Original post by TotoMimo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.
Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.
But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).
PICTURES:
MARCH 2011 :
TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.
I believe in you all.
Hair suits you xxxxxxx
Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes 
. Like I said, no one really remembered my birthday, so getting some happy birthdays on here means a lot 
God, I sound like a sad loser. I'm not...honest!
Toto - you look amazing and are an absolute inspiration. Your kind, knowledgeable words give so many people on here support and hope - I know we've not spoken before, but I've been through your posts (/stalker) and have read your story and wish I could meet you for a thank you cup of tea. And a muffin, cos' we is brave.
This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
. Like I said, no one really remembered my birthday, so getting some happy birthdays on here means a lot God, I sound like a sad loser. I'm not...honest!Toto - you look amazing and are an absolute inspiration. Your kind, knowledgeable words give so many people on here support and hope - I know we've not spoken before, but I've been through your posts (/stalker) and have read your story and wish I could meet you for a thank you cup of tea. And a muffin, cos' we is brave.
Spoiler
This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
Original post by lightacandle
This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
It may well have been covered, but I can't remember what was said if it has been. So I'll sit and patiently wait for someone to answer. Also move out in 3 weeks, terrified my flatmates will hate me/ I'll get a massive flat of 11, all girls. Or that someone will have beef with the fact the uni CHOSE me, as opposed to being forced to accept me.
Original post by lightacandle
.
Original post by .snowflake.
x.
Personally, uni helps me because I can have control over my whole life and so don't have to use restricting to feel in control.
Original post by Cinnie
Personally, uni helps me because I can have control over my whole life and so don't have to use restricting to feel in control.
i thought it might. Atleast at uni, my part of the fridge will be full of things I can eat (i.e not full of stuff with palm oil in). But I know if I'm cooking for myself, i cba to do much more than beans on toast, but if I'm cooking for others, i have once spent 2 HOURS in the kitchen making this pumpkin pie from scratch...
I loved moving away to Uni as my house is a very negative, stressful, alcohol-fueled environment but I had to come home after the first month because I'd been eating less because I was probably guilty people were looking at me, or judging how much I was eating. I think I felt like a pig or something. Plus, I didn't really like my course and decided to change to something different. I guess Uni is different for everyone but on the whole, other than my weight, it really DID help my head. Never before had I felt stress-free for as long, all I had to worry about was my studies; none of the additional stuff that teenagers shouldn't have to worry about. If your house is a trigger for you, then it could be a real positive. Just as long as you let it be and don't restrict or eat less or anything; ultimately, an environment is JUST a place, it's down to us to make ourselves better/worse.
Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.
I dunno the point of this post, random I guess. I just like that I feel I can be open.
Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.
I dunno the point of this post, random I guess. I just like that I feel I can be open.
I find uni quite stressful - being a long way from home and the people I love (I'm definitely a home bird, lol). I'm pretty worried this year will be very bad for restricting and over-exercising as I'm five minutes from the uni gym and at the very top of a four floor house - going to have a kettle/hot drinking facilities in my room and I just know that when I'm depressed I won't make the effort to go down to the kitchen and make food. :s But I'm trying to stay positive and worry about that *if* that happens, as I can't change where I live so I need to deal with it! Hope that makes sense :/
Last year wasn't too bad, apart from the uh, three weeks I spent in a massive depression not going anywhere or eating anything and just surfing pro-ana websites. That was a bad month. But other than that - I was generally ok. Weird eating habits but generally... ok.
Last year wasn't too bad, apart from the uh, three weeks I spent in a massive depression not going anywhere or eating anything and just surfing pro-ana websites. That was a bad month. But other than that - I was generally ok. Weird eating habits but generally... ok.
I'm going to put this in spoilers because it contains figures and triggering stuff.
It's all so ****ing **** and I need to cry.
Spoiler
Original post by MelissaJayne
Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.
Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.
Sounds like CBT has really helped you... How did you get it? Did you get referred to it by your GP/psychiatrist? I'd be interested in giving it a go.
Some guys are such idiots 
Why do they enjoy hurting people?! I'd had an alright week so far, despite circumstances now i've found that i've stuck my fingers down my throat four times today :'( i'm so ashamed and I HATE him for doing this :'(
Why do they enjoy hurting people?! I'd had an alright week so far, despite circumstances now i've found that i've stuck my fingers down my throat four times today :'( i'm so ashamed and I HATE him for doing this :'(Original post by Anonymous
Sounds like CBT has really helped you... How did you get it? Did you get referred to it by your GP/psychiatrist? I'd be interested in giving it a go.
Yeah, I guess it kinda did. Was never a therapy "believer" beforehand; I guess it gets a bad press or has a lot of corny stereotypes attached to it. But it's nothing like I thought. And yeah, my GP referred me. I'd suggest everyone give it a go, it may not be for you but there's no harm in trying. Everyone deserves to give themselves a chance. X
With regards to the "home, away from home?" debate, dependant on how powerful your ED is, its a mixed blessing. For example when I feel I'm"on holiday" my bad ed habits are. Broken and I have a great anorexic holiday where I disregard my usual bad habits!!
But then the rut sets in again.
If you can ensure there will always be variables to mix up your living space, it's uncomfortable but very helpful. We keep lying to ourselves that routine is safe, it's key, but it is absolutely the ULTIMATE issue to kill.
But then the rut sets in again.
If you can ensure there will always be variables to mix up your living space, it's uncomfortable but very helpful. We keep lying to ourselves that routine is safe, it's key, but it is absolutely the ULTIMATE issue to kill.
So today it's safe to say I am exceptionally nervous. I always go to the gym for an hour to hour and a half full of cardio on Friday's and then I do an at home workout for 30mins which combines strength, abs and cardio.
However, today I can't get to the gym, and I am actually worrying at the thought of this. I haven't been able to go to the gym all week due to childcare, or lack of, and today was my first chance I'd have to go. The gym isn't just about the exercise or calories burned to me, I like the serenity it brings, I like being alone and doing what I like to do - it's relaxing as well. For that time I can just let go and forget, get so wrapped up in what I am doing my outside bothers do not trouble me. And right now, I have a few major issues :/
I won't get to go now until perhaps Monday morning (I have a meeting to attend) or Tuesday night (no babysitter during the day). I am going to do my at home workout twice today (I had originally planned twice last night, as my son slept in my bed due to his fever), however, this just doesn't seem enough.
Gah.
However, today I can't get to the gym, and I am actually worrying at the thought of this. I haven't been able to go to the gym all week due to childcare, or lack of, and today was my first chance I'd have to go. The gym isn't just about the exercise or calories burned to me, I like the serenity it brings, I like being alone and doing what I like to do - it's relaxing as well. For that time I can just let go and forget, get so wrapped up in what I am doing my outside bothers do not trouble me. And right now, I have a few major issues :/
I won't get to go now until perhaps Monday morning (I have a meeting to attend) or Tuesday night (no babysitter during the day). I am going to do my at home workout twice today (I had originally planned twice last night, as my son slept in my bed due to his fever), however, this just doesn't seem enough.
Gah.
Eugh my sons sperm donor has acted out again, and now the small inclination I had to eat some cereal or a slice of toast has completely vanished. Selfish, inconsiderate, abusive, controlling prick.
Rubix, you don't need yo punish both you and your son for the failings of the lad's father. Just think of your child. You're slowly killing yourself by punishing your body, and if not for yourself, use your wee one as the reason to eat and vitalise your body.
If you starve it to the point of degradation where you struggle to do things for your child or worse, expire before you see him grow up, you will have failed him just as much as his clearly negligent father has, and we both know you're better than that, my love. Xx
If you starve it to the point of degradation where you struggle to do things for your child or worse, expire before you see him grow up, you will have failed him just as much as his clearly negligent father has, and we both know you're better than that, my love. Xx
Original post by TotoMimo
Rubix, you don't need yo punish both you and your son for the failings of the lad's father. Just think of your child. You're slowly killing yourself by punishing your body, and if not for yourself, use your wee one as the reason to eat and vitalise your body.
If you starve it to the point of degradation where you struggle to do things for your child or worse, expire before you see him grow up, you will have failed him just as much as his clearly negligent father has, and we both know you're better than that, my love. Xx
If you starve it to the point of degradation where you struggle to do things for your child or worse, expire before you see him grow up, you will have failed him just as much as his clearly negligent father has, and we both know you're better than that, my love. Xx
I know and I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't seem to help. It's not that I feel as though I am starving myself, because I don't feel hungry - I really don't feel the need to eat anymore, there's no pangs. I run around all day after him and I just don't et because I can't sit down - today this is the first time I've sat down and it's to workout (30day shred, needs done). I've just not got hungry and I can't seem to force myself otherwise.
Thank you though, for the kind words xx
