Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by TotoMimo
I don't care if it was in humour or not, but last anon, alcohol merely strengthened my ED; I would (and still will) offset my food intake to account for alcohol calories; a terrible, even MORE dangerous situation.
To even joke about it is pretty poor show. Rep down.
To even joke about it is pretty poor show. Rep down.
Sorry, I was drunk. Wasn't a joke, when I'm drinking I feel like a totally different person and the ED voice backs off a hell of a lot. For the first time in ages last night I didn't give a **** about what I looked like or the anxiety that would normally come in the situation and just wanted to go out and dance the night away, something I don't do very often. I didn't mean to offend you, I didn't think at the time it'd be a problem to post that...
No, no, I drink for the very same reason. Like olanzepine and fluoxetene, it has a dulling, ED -quelling effect. But it is a terrible, evil crutch to rely on... X
I've decided I'm not taking any to uni with me... it's alright when I'm at home with my bf and I'm safe but when I'm at uni my mood can change so quickly it's dangerous.
Been battling the reality that I probably do need meds again. My good days are great.... but maybe a little too great? I feel so carefree.... eat and drink what I want. Problem is I want everything, so the obvious result occurs. Huge wave of panic comes and I realise I can't fit into my clothes again and so can't go out. It's a very depressing cycle. Fuelled by one type of food in particular (very sensitive to it). It's quite disheartening going round and round in circles and just being some desperate detached overseer.
It's a side of me that I hate. I get comfortable and relaxed (because I have worked hard to get to that point), and say 'oh to hell with being sensible... i'm going to have this and this and this and not care'. Then all hell breaks loose
To top it all off I still feel like i'm dying? Even at a healthy weight? I still get moments where I wake up in the night and can't move.
I had such high hopes for recovery, and so far it has given me hope for a possible future which is TOTALLY worth all the pain.... but my mind is still confused.
It's a side of me that I hate. I get comfortable and relaxed (because I have worked hard to get to that point), and say 'oh to hell with being sensible... i'm going to have this and this and this and not care'. Then all hell breaks loose
To top it all off I still feel like i'm dying? Even at a healthy weight? I still get moments where I wake up in the night and can't move.
I had such high hopes for recovery, and so far it has given me hope for a possible future which is TOTALLY worth all the pain.... but my mind is still confused.
i handled my ED with alcohol & recreational drugs for a while... then i ended up at rehab with a massive habit as well as an eating disorder. using other mind-altering processes to cope is a risky strategy.
I have my first appointment at the regional ED clinic tomorrow.
The appointment letter says I have an appointment with Dr Soandso, clinical psychologist - do you think it'll likely just be a chat with this woman? Or what generally happens at first appointments...are they likely to weigh me? Go through my story and refer me on? I'm scared
I hate talking about my ED. Like, when I'm standing in front of the biscuit cupboard, I clear as day decide I can't have one because I'll get fat; eating with a tiny spoon makes perfect sense, I can't help but have a panic attack about chicken pie. But when I have to talk to someone about it I feel so ashamed - I can hear how ridiculous it all sounds, and I just keep saying 'I know this sounds stupid, but...' all the time.
I'm really frightened about going tbh. I want help, but now that the day of potential help is almost here, I'm terrified and ashamed and am not sure they'll be helpful.
The appointment letter says I have an appointment with Dr Soandso, clinical psychologist - do you think it'll likely just be a chat with this woman? Or what generally happens at first appointments...are they likely to weigh me? Go through my story and refer me on? I'm scared
I hate talking about my ED. Like, when I'm standing in front of the biscuit cupboard, I clear as day decide I can't have one because I'll get fat; eating with a tiny spoon makes perfect sense, I can't help but have a panic attack about chicken pie. But when I have to talk to someone about it I feel so ashamed - I can hear how ridiculous it all sounds, and I just keep saying 'I know this sounds stupid, but...' all the time.
I'm really frightened about going tbh. I want help, but now that the day of potential help is almost here, I'm terrified and ashamed and am not sure they'll be helpful.
Cinnie, we will likely never shift the peaks and troughs feeling.
For example, today was a huge birthday party, three course meal, drinks, birthday cake. I consumed about 3000 calories and feel like a whale, and tomorrow will be continued self torment. But if I rationalise, I had 1300 over maintenance; less than half a pound of complete gain to begin with, but take into account all those days for so long where my intake was way lower than maintenance, where I restricted and starved. Swings and roundabouts really.
Finally add into the fact nobody else CARED, even some of the KIDS ate as much as I did, and that they're STILL eating, celebrating... I would LOVE to be that oblivious and carefree, no?
That's the goal.
To just... NOT GIVE A DAMN, AND LIVE.
We're a long time dead, and trust me, lying in a coffin we'll be skinnier than we can ever be in life.
For example, today was a huge birthday party, three course meal, drinks, birthday cake. I consumed about 3000 calories and feel like a whale, and tomorrow will be continued self torment. But if I rationalise, I had 1300 over maintenance; less than half a pound of complete gain to begin with, but take into account all those days for so long where my intake was way lower than maintenance, where I restricted and starved. Swings and roundabouts really.
Finally add into the fact nobody else CARED, even some of the KIDS ate as much as I did, and that they're STILL eating, celebrating... I would LOVE to be that oblivious and carefree, no?
That's the goal.
To just... NOT GIVE A DAMN, AND LIVE.
We're a long time dead, and trust me, lying in a coffin we'll be skinnier than we can ever be in life.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (about something which I think was caused by my bulimia).
I don't know whether to bite the bullet and tell them about my ED past (anorexic for a year, then when trying to get better turned bulimic), and my depression. I've never gone to a doctor about these things before. I'm in a relatively good place at the moment but it won't go away. My eating has affected my health in the past (fainting, amenorrhea) and I think that might happen again (if I/my ed gets its way). Half of the time I don't want help because all I want is to lose weight, and I certainly don't want people finding out about my bulimia.
Sorry, I know this post isn't helping anyone, but if anyone has any advice I would really really appreciate it
I don't know whether to bite the bullet and tell them about my ED past (anorexic for a year, then when trying to get better turned bulimic), and my depression. I've never gone to a doctor about these things before. I'm in a relatively good place at the moment but it won't go away. My eating has affected my health in the past (fainting, amenorrhea) and I think that might happen again (if I/my ed gets its way). Half of the time I don't want help because all I want is to lose weight, and I certainly don't want people finding out about my bulimia.
Sorry, I know this post isn't helping anyone, but if anyone has any advice I would really really appreciate it
Currently trying to lose weight. I do well for a couple of days but as soon as I slip up only slightly, my self destruct button seems to go off - wasting several days of dieting.
It's like I eat a forbidden food such as a piece of toast and butter. My brain rationalises that I've messed up (leading me think to myself I can just start again the next day) which just makes me go on out and binge to my hearts content (and vomit).
It's that perfectionism "100% with the rulebook or else" mentality which is my downfall.
Does anyone know what's the best way of overcoming this mentality? Is it even possible?
It's like I eat a forbidden food such as a piece of toast and butter. My brain rationalises that I've messed up (leading me think to myself I can just start again the next day) which just makes me go on out and binge to my hearts content (and vomit)
. It's that perfectionism "100% with the rulebook or else" mentality which is my downfall.
Does anyone know what's the best way of overcoming this mentality? Is it even possible?
So my little try and start didn't work today - I didn't binge as much as before, and I had a fairly small healthy dinner, and then I went to the gym.
My little sister is sitting munching away at a family sized bag of crisps next door, and part of me wishes I was her. I mean, she is terribly unhealthy, and obviously overweight, but she is so carefree about food - eats what she wants, when she wants, and does not feel guilty or tormented as a result. Why is it all so different just acorss the hall?
My little sister is sitting munching away at a family sized bag of crisps next door, and part of me wishes I was her. I mean, she is terribly unhealthy, and obviously overweight, but she is so carefree about food - eats what she wants, when she wants, and does not feel guilty or tormented as a result. Why is it all so different just acorss the hall?
Original post by Anonymous
Currently trying to lose weight. I do well for a couple of days but as soon as I slip up only slightly, my self destruct button seems to go off - wasting several days of dieting.
It's like I eat a forbidden food such as a piece of toast and butter. My brain rationalises that I've messed up (leading me think to myself I can just start again the next day) which just makes me go on out and binge to my hearts content (and vomit).
It's that perfectionism "100% with the rulebook or else" mentality which is my downfall.
Does anyone know what's the best way of overcoming this mentality? Is it even possible?
It's like I eat a forbidden food such as a piece of toast and butter. My brain rationalises that I've messed up (leading me think to myself I can just start again the next day) which just makes me go on out and binge to my hearts content (and vomit)
. It's that perfectionism "100% with the rulebook or else" mentality which is my downfall.
Does anyone know what's the best way of overcoming this mentality? Is it even possible?
Spoiler
I'm not sure about anyone else on here but when I'm finding it hard to cope with anxieties and negative ED thoughts, one of the things that works best is keeping myself really busy. Popping round a friends, going for a walk, working overtime, getting out and about. Just making each day busy. Not only does it keep my mind occupied, but it allows me to eat without guilt. I always feel I "deserve" food more if I've kinda been more productive.
Original post by .snowflake.
thats not good. bangles are so pretty, but i always manage to deform them. Tried to buy a bracelet for a friend last summer, she has rediculously delicate wrists. IT WAS NOT POSSIBLE. If I could but it on and it didnt stop until it met my knuckles, she'd lose it in 5 minutes flat.
My 'friends' want to do a leaving do before me and another girl leaves for uni. she wants to go for an indian and then go clubbing, the day before I go to uni. I hate indian food,(and they know why, yet don't seem to give a ****.) and won't eat anything, and hate clubbing, but I can't get a word in edgeways. So that's what they'll end up doing. Thanks guys. Love you too.
Jazzykinks is also at exeter, I think.
Spoiler
My 'friends' want to do a leaving do before me and another girl leaves for uni. she wants to go for an indian and then go clubbing, the day before I go to uni. I hate indian food,(and they know why, yet don't seem to give a ****.) and won't eat anything, and hate clubbing, but I can't get a word in edgeways. So that's what they'll end up doing. Thanks guys. Love you too.
Jazzykinks is also at exeter, I think.
Sucks about your friends, try and arrange something a bit more you too?Tell them, the support universities give you are generally pretty good (from what I've been told.)
I hate nighttime.
I really have got to get to my normal GP, it just sucks having to have gone over everything with 3 different doctors already, not knowing how much has been passed on and generally not liking my doctors. Eurgh.
Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain Sucks about your friends, try and arrange something a bit more you too?
Tell them, the support universities give you are generally pretty good (from what I've been told.)
I hate nighttime.
I really have got to get to my normal GP, it just sucks having to have gone over everything with 3 different doctors already, not knowing how much has been passed on and generally not liking my doctors. Eurgh.
Sucks about your friends, try and arrange something a bit more you too?Tell them, the support universities give you are generally pretty good (from what I've been told.)
I hate nighttime.
I really have got to get to my normal GP, it just sucks having to have gone over everything with 3 different doctors already, not knowing how much has been passed on and generally not liking my doctors. Eurgh.
I know, I knowww, but I'm scared people will find out, then I end up with pity marks, and not the ones I truely earnt, basically. and I don't feel i need mollycoddling, just someone to make sure I don't die/ someone who'll go, babes, get your ass to the doctors, you're not well, when i sit infront of my cupboard, looking at all the food I have and bawling because I can't have any of it. What makes it worse is I don't look ill, I actually do just look fat.
Original post by .snowflake.
I know, I knowww, but I'm scared people will find out, then I end up with pity marks, and not the ones I truely earnt, basically. and I don't feel i need mollycoddling, just someone to make sure I don't die/ someone who'll go, babes, get your ass to the doctors, you're not well, when i sit infront of my cupboard, looking at all the food I have and bawling because I can't have any of it. What makes it worse is I don't look ill, I actually do just look fat.
Honestly; the worst thing I did in my first year was not declare my MH issues. You don't get pity marks (that's not how it works) - all that happens is if you hand something in late they're more likely to accept it with the proper paperwork than if you didn't.
For instance; I handed one of my assignments in two days late in first year, because I was quite frankly a massive fail of life at the time and because it wasn't on my records, I had to fight with the office to even get it marked. I handed one in late this year and because it now *is* on my records, I just had to get a retro-dated doctors note stating that I was having a depressive episode over the time period of the assignment and it was marked as anyone elses.
I dunno how things work at Exeter but at my uni having it registered is as easy as pie, all I had to do is go see my personal tutor and tell them, and then at the end of the semester submit 1 piece of paper saying that it's been recorded that I may not always perform my best and that I have provided any evidence needed to support my marks - so when the external assessors look at it they know that any very low marks may have a reason to them.
You can access as much as you want from them - your tutor will probably ask you if you want to be referred to the counselling service (I'm presuming Exeter have one), if you need any special provisions, if you want regular meetings or if you just want to have it acknowledged and carry on with your life. It's scary but it's so so worth doing
Original post by Anonymous
Honestly; the worst thing I did in my first year was not declare my MH issues. You don't get pity marks (that's not how it works) - all that happens is if you hand something in late they're more likely to accept it with the proper paperwork than if you didn't.
For instance; I handed one of my assignments in two days late in first year, because I was quite frankly a massive fail of life at the time and because it wasn't on my records, I had to fight with the office to even get it marked. I handed one in late this year and because it now *is* on my records, I just had to get a retro-dated doctors note stating that I was having a depressive episode over the time period of the assignment and it was marked as anyone elses.
I dunno how things work at Exeter but at my uni having it registered is as easy as pie, all I had to do is go see my personal tutor and tell them, and then at the end of the semester submit 1 piece of paper saying that it's been recorded that I may not always perform my best and that I have provided any evidence needed to support my marks - so when the external assessors look at it they know that any very low marks may have a reason to them.
You can access as much as you want from them - your tutor will probably ask you if you want to be referred to the counselling service (I'm presuming Exeter have one), if you need any special provisions, if you want regular meetings or if you just want to have it acknowledged and carry on with your life. It's scary but it's so so worth doing
For instance; I handed one of my assignments in two days late in first year, because I was quite frankly a massive fail of life at the time and because it wasn't on my records, I had to fight with the office to even get it marked. I handed one in late this year and because it now *is* on my records, I just had to get a retro-dated doctors note stating that I was having a depressive episode over the time period of the assignment and it was marked as anyone elses.
I dunno how things work at Exeter but at my uni having it registered is as easy as pie, all I had to do is go see my personal tutor and tell them, and then at the end of the semester submit 1 piece of paper saying that it's been recorded that I may not always perform my best and that I have provided any evidence needed to support my marks - so when the external assessors look at it they know that any very low marks may have a reason to them.
You can access as much as you want from them - your tutor will probably ask you if you want to be referred to the counselling service (I'm presuming Exeter have one), if you need any special provisions, if you want regular meetings or if you just want to have it acknowledged and carry on with your life. It's scary but it's so so worth doing
Exeter have the same system.
Definitely don't get pity marks. Its all anonymous anyway it just means that if you hand it in late with a drs note they will mark it as they did the others. If you don't have it on you record late work is usually capped at 40%.
http://www.exeter.ac.uk/wellbeing has all the information, is worth having a look. It's these people that can get the note on your file
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Does the guilt that comes with eating ever go away? I can't imagine ever eating a meal without worrying about it. Even when I eat normally, I can't pick my fork up and think nothing of it. I eat it, I acheive my goals, but I still worry. Will this ever stop? I can't live the rest of my life feeling guilty for eating.
Original post by Anonymous
Spoiler
Spoiler
You know what helps? Absolutely?
If you can, allow one person you absolutely trust with your life to prepare your meals for you. Out of sight, out of mind. In recovery especially, you know WHERE you're trying to get to, it's the getting there that causes all the grief. For example, when you think, "okay, I'm going to make lunch. A SANDWICH. Okay, that's fine, a sandwich is a normal lunch. I'll just not use butter. Okay, filling. Lean ham. Wafer thin ham. Actually, I'll just use one single slice. I'll pad it out with lettuce. Okay, lettuce. Actually, do I NEED two slices of bread? Ah, I can make it an open sandwich. Actually, I don't need this bread, I can make a salad instead. A nice salad...."
By the end of it you're eating a bag of lettuce and a bit of ham. By being in charge and over-analysing, weighing up, counting, you sabotage yourself without realising.
I had my (at the time) fiance make my take-to-work sandwich for me at the start of my recovery period and it made all the difference, because I truly trusted her. Trust me, these people aren't going to put a block of lard on there and go "nyuk nyuk, they'll be pure lard in no time!!" - they just don't want to see us die. They want to see us healthy again, because they clearly see an ebb of a person they want to spend their time with in who we are now, and just want to see a tiny bit more of us, for a bit more than just a tiny bit longer!!
If you can, allow one person you absolutely trust with your life to prepare your meals for you. Out of sight, out of mind. In recovery especially, you know WHERE you're trying to get to, it's the getting there that causes all the grief. For example, when you think, "okay, I'm going to make lunch. A SANDWICH. Okay, that's fine, a sandwich is a normal lunch. I'll just not use butter. Okay, filling. Lean ham. Wafer thin ham. Actually, I'll just use one single slice. I'll pad it out with lettuce. Okay, lettuce. Actually, do I NEED two slices of bread? Ah, I can make it an open sandwich. Actually, I don't need this bread, I can make a salad instead. A nice salad...."
By the end of it you're eating a bag of lettuce and a bit of ham. By being in charge and over-analysing, weighing up, counting, you sabotage yourself without realising.
I had my (at the time) fiance make my take-to-work sandwich for me at the start of my recovery period and it made all the difference, because I truly trusted her. Trust me, these people aren't going to put a block of lard on there and go "nyuk nyuk, they'll be pure lard in no time!!" - they just don't want to see us die. They want to see us healthy again, because they clearly see an ebb of a person they want to spend their time with in who we are now, and just want to see a tiny bit more of us, for a bit more than just a tiny bit longer!!
Hi everyone,
Firstly, I'd like to say reading some of your stories makes me realise how incredibly brave some people are. My best friend suffers from bullemia which has developed into an OCD, unsurprisingly. As far as i know she has suffered with it for the past 3 years - starting from it being just watching over her weight until now servere bullemia. It took a lot for her to tell me and I am the only person who knows other than her mum. She told her mum about a year ago and since then I think her mum believes it has been sorted, but she couldnt be more wrong. Along with bulemia she suffers from depression and has recently told me that she has attempted to take her own life twice. Once almost being succesfull after taking ALOT of pain killers before washing them down with vodka, however, she immediately threw them up (THANK GOD!). When she first told me about it I told her to go and see her GP (Shes at uni btw). She was referred to an eating disorder clinicla in which she attended for a while but then stopped because she said it wasnt making it any better(she never told me she stopped).
Whilst all this has been going on shes been diagnoised with malnutirion along with kidney problems. After talking to her the other night about the whole attempted suicide thing she's promised me she'll go if i go with her so thatw aht im determined to do.
Can anyone give me any advice in what I can say/do to make things better?
Sorry for the long post
Firstly, I'd like to say reading some of your stories makes me realise how incredibly brave some people are. My best friend suffers from bullemia which has developed into an OCD, unsurprisingly. As far as i know she has suffered with it for the past 3 years - starting from it being just watching over her weight until now servere bullemia. It took a lot for her to tell me and I am the only person who knows other than her mum. She told her mum about a year ago and since then I think her mum believes it has been sorted, but she couldnt be more wrong. Along with bulemia she suffers from depression and has recently told me that she has attempted to take her own life twice. Once almost being succesfull after taking ALOT of pain killers before washing them down with vodka, however, she immediately threw them up (THANK GOD!). When she first told me about it I told her to go and see her GP (Shes at uni btw). She was referred to an eating disorder clinicla in which she attended for a while but then stopped because she said it wasnt making it any better(she never told me she stopped).
Whilst all this has been going on shes been diagnoised with malnutirion along with kidney problems. After talking to her the other night about the whole attempted suicide thing she's promised me she'll go if i go with her so thatw aht im determined to do.
Can anyone give me any advice in what I can say/do to make things better?
Sorry for the long post
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