Boyfriend was so close to beating me up so badly, I'm just waiting for it :(

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Actually, it is abuse. He could genuinely be arrested for it.

I'm sure that sounds silly to you, because you probably don't see how it could be abusive. But really it's quite serious to treat your partner that way, and I find it odd that you're defending it.

I know you've said 'Give him another chance', and I was willing to hear you out on that, but I've now confirmed in my view that the OP really should leave him, or at least speak to an abuse specialist. There's no defence.

I'm not defending his behaviour, I actually said he is wrong in like every post I've wrote. I'm just defending the idea that he will physically abuse this girl because he got angry at her. I've been an angry hormonal teenager, but would never lay a finger on a girl and never have.

"It would seem we have reached an impasse". Thank god none of our opinions hold any true worth since none of us know the full and accurate situation.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 81

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by Chief Wiggum

How does the law work with that? If you shout at someone you can be arrested?

It's considered Class 5 Assault when a victim feels a threat to their physical well being as the results of anything verbal
(Such as this case).

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 82

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by So Instinct

It would seem we have reached an impasse. Thank god none of our opinions hold any true worth since none of us know the full and accurate situation.

Thanks for a surprisingly articulate discussion for 3am. Whilst we disagree, was a pleasure, particularly this last line :h:

Reply 83

So Instinct

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

Thanks for a surprisingly articulate discussion for 3am. Whilst we disagree, was a pleasure, particularly this last line :h:

Me? Articulate?

Me so humble.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 84

s.aley

I think this pretty much sums up what i think of this post.

Reply 85

Izzyeviel

Original post by Ice Constricter

But it was the OP's fault to a certain extent, although that is no excuse to cause someone to fear for their safety. But the fact is, fear for her safety how? The OP doesn't really define it. Also in those other examples what happened? What were the specific circumstances? And nice straw man. Point is most people dont go and visit their ex, get ridiculously pissed, not answer any phone calls and sleep in their ex's house overnight, all in ONE night. If you aren't mad at that, you either dont care about your boyfriend/girlfriend or your self esteem is so low you don't demand any respect and dignity.

Straw

Point is I wouldn't be too happy, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't start shouting in someones face because of it. It's something to be annoyed at not angry.

The OP hasn't really defined what? That she found his behaviour to be 'scary as hell'?
or this: I actually got so scared because he was so close to slapping me. He asked me if anything happened and I said no but in my head I thought if I had said yes, I would be on the ground beaten up.

There have been another two similar occasions where he has completely lost his temper at me and I can see how close he has been to beating me. I am scared but I don't know what do. It's like he has two sides to him, he is either extremely sweet and lovely or angry and scary as hell.

or this Yeah I completely understand what your trying to say but he was so close from slapping me and then he stopped himself, I can see in his face how much that took, his nose flared up and he backed away. He has said previously it takes A LOT for him to get angry but when he does, he completely loses it. Let's presume he was sober - what will he be like after he's had a pint or two?

Reply 86

Ice Constricter

Original post by Izzyeviel

Straw

Yes the OP's example is way more extreme and you were trying to compare it to you missing a few phone calls and whatnot.

Point is I wouldn't be too happy, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't start shouting in someones face because of it. It's something to be annoyed at not angry.

This is all relative to the couple's past relationship and experiences. But I'm gonna have to disagree here. I dont see how someone getting angry at that is a big surprise really. The threat of hurting someone is a whole other story though.

The OP hasn't really defined what? That she found his behaviour to be 'scary as hell'?
or this: I actually got so scared because he was so close to slapping me. He asked me if anything happened and I said no but in my head I thought if I had said yes, I would be on the ground beaten up.

A mouse will find you doing star jumps in your house 'scary as hell'. Doesn't mean it is. It is a vague term that has a massive spectrum. Hell, I used to find some teachers yelling scary as hell, doesn't mean they were gonna hurt me. However, once he made her fear for her safety....she shouldn't stay in a relationship with him.

There have been another two similar occasions where he has completely lost his temper at me and I can see how close he has been to beating me. I am scared but I don't know what do. It's like he has two sides to him, he is either extremely sweet and lovely or angry and scary as hell.

or this Yeah I completely understand what your trying to say but he was so close from slapping me and then he stopped himself, I can see in his face how much that took, his nose flared up and he backed away. He has said previously it takes A LOT for him to get angry but when he does, he completely loses it. Let's presume he was sober - what will he be like after he's had a pint or two?

Fair enough. But this wasn't even in the OP if we're being fair here.

Reply 87

Izzyeviel

We'll agree to disagree.

Reply 88

Idle

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

Leaving someone volatile like this isn't easy, but it's a quicksand. Get out sooner rather than later, otherwise you'll be scared to leave them because it will end in prison for him, and potentially worse for you.

From what the OP said the only example of him getting mad is after she got wasted, slept at her ex's house and didn't come back til 9am. I would be pretty furious myself.

Getting angry at someone for doing something so stupid =/= abuse.

Reply 89

alis-volatpropriis

A lot of posters are quick to jump to conclusions, OP's boyfriend doesn't randomly lash out and get a temper for the sake of it.

Yes calling someone 20 times is strange, he's obviously got trust issues. But as the OP has said the first couple of months were good, clearly if the OP's boyfriend was a violent person he would have lashed out earlier?

I too can have a temper some people could interpret it as "aggressive behaviour" it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to physically lash out.

Since you're scared of him but want to be with him, then talk to him about it. I doubt he will hit you, for telling him how you feel.

Reply 90

alis-volatpropriis

Original post by Idle

Agreed, why would someone want to go to their ex's house warming party :s-smilie:

or go to their ex's house at all.

A lot of the posters on here, are acting like its a very common thing to do. OP didn't just go to the party she slept in the house..

Reply 91

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by Idle

No... but the reaction he supposedly caused in the OP is legally defined as abuse. Also, it isn't the only example of her partner acting like this...

Bit concerned I'm having to say this to you, surely you should be the one who knows these things? :s-smilie:

Regardless, the OP came here looking for help because she felt she was the victim of mild abuse. Making fun of her for doing something that was admittedly stupid is a bit out of place to be honest, especially from a moderator.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 92

evantej

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

I do not see any evidence of abuse in the OP's comment. There is no lasting psychological trauma or the development of a recognised mental condition (e.g. depression). The suggestion that the OP's boyfriend could therefore be arrested is extremely unlikely based on my understanding of the law. It tends to exclude common acts of psychological 'abuse' (e.g. broken promise or a relationship break-up).

The OP's reaction to her boyfriend's anger is not what classifies abuse. An analogy would be to base assault laws on the victim's physical response to an attack. If they did not bleed then it does not count as assault. In the case of non-physical abuse it needs to be more quantifiable (e.g. persistence or scale of the abuse).

The OP is vague about the 'two similar occasions where he has completely lost his temper at me' so we cannot draw any conclusions to be honest. If I were to judge them on the basis of the first situation then I would say the boyfriend was completely justified in how he reacted, and I do not think she really appreciates the full extent of why he lost his temper.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 93

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by evantej

Actually, it completely accommodates for this kind of thing. As I posted earlier, this is type 5 abuse, and if you look on the list of criminal offences, if a person fears that they may be the victim of violence it's a criminal offence.

Your type there is psychological abuse. There are 12 seperate types of illegal abuse for relationships.

Here are some of the impacts of verbal abuse, such as the OP has experienced.

I think its worth noting that from an organisation dedicated to stopping relationship abuse, the OP has numerous 'Warning Signs', past the obvious verbal abuse and implied threats of violence.

I think alot of people here are posting way over their heads. Remember that responding with your advice can affect the OPs entire life, so posting your opinions here aren't really what this thread was for. This girl is asking for help.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 94

Izzyeviel

Original post by alis-volatpropriis

Agreed, why would someone want to go to their ex's house warming party :s-smilie:

or go to their ex's house at all.

A lot of the posters on here, are acting like its a very common thing to do. OP didn't just go to the party she slept in the house..

Just because she's friends with her ex doesn't mean anything. People tend to stay in touch with their ex's, it is common and quite frankly if she was drunk, it's far better she stayed there rather then walk home or get a taxi. Cabbies do have a tendency to rape their passengers.

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Reply 95

Knighted

Original post by Izzyeviel

Cabbies do have a tendency to rape their passengers.

You just lost all credibility.

Most girls I know that get cab rides have singalongs with the cab drivers or randomly ask him questions then get discounts.

I think you need to replace "tendency" with "very rarely"

Reply 96

Chief Wiggum

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

So if someone shouts at me and I say "I feared they might hurt me", that could get them arrested? That seems bizarre. What if someone is just especially sensitive/easily scared?

Reply 97

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by Chief Wiggum

So if someone shouts at me and I say "I feared they might hurt me", that could get them arrested? That seems bizarre. What if someone is just especially sensitive/easily scared?

Then there's no case and no charges are held. Arrested doesnt mean convicted (unless you're a terrorist :colonhash:

).

It's not the most eloquent of systems admittedly, but it's better than no infrastructure.

Reply 98

evantej

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

When you suggest that her boyfriend's actions are illegal, you should ground your accusation in English law instead of providing links to an American organisation and an organisation that specialises in homelessness. Neither are relevant to the OP.

As I said in my previous comment, verbal abuse needs to be quantifiable in order to be criminal. It needs to persist or increase in scale (e.g. someone repeatedly sending abusive text messages). You cannot say she is being abused - by definition - based on one event. She has not explained the other two events so you cannot use them as evidence for your claim. I actually think she would struggle to provide evidence that he used fear of violence towards her in all honesty... Of course, if she is in any doubt then she should speak to the police or her solicitor.

I would like to clarify that I am not undermining the seriousness of verbal abuse. I am not a solicitor, but I have worked with lots of offenders so I am hardly ignorant. I was merely scrutinising your suggestion that her boyfriend's actions were illegal. I do not believe any magistrate would punish him based on what I have read in this thread. In fact, I do not think the police would even charge him.

Reply 99

Idle

Original post by Hal.E.Lujah

No... but the reaction he supposedly caused in the OP is legally defined as abuse. Also, it isn't the only example of her partner acting like this...

It is hard to tell from the OP but no where does it say her boyfriend has used threatening or intimidating language. It is possible he is being abusive but nothing she has said so far proves abuse. There is a difference between being angry with someone and abusive and it's inconclusive where he is on that spectrum without further details. If she is feeling he is getting close to hitting her then due to the fact he hasn't i'd suggest she talks to him, it could just be she perceives him being angry as him coming close to hitting her, in which case for their own sakes he either needs to put his anger across in a better way or split up.

Oh and no where did I make fun of her.