First 'opportunity' since messy break-up - confused?
So a little over three weeks ago, I broke up with my longtime girlfriend because she's been cheating on me. The entire debacle is available here if you'd like to know it.
Well, keeping in mind that I've never dated anybody but my ex since the age of 14 and I have zero experience with women (other than her), I was looking for a little advice from the TSR community.
A friend recently approached me proposing a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits arrangement. This is a relatively good friend I've made at university and I've known that she's had a thing for me since first-year, I just never encouraged it for obvious reasons.
Anyway, those reasons are gone now and well, it might be nice, but I don't know if it would be such a good idea. I've seen such arrangements go up in flames in the past and the friends involved never speak to each other again. I also know that I am completely, 100% emotionally unavailable at the moment and in no shape ready to contemplate a serious relationship or 'feelings' for someone else right now, or in the foreseeable future. But a sexual outlet with no repercussions does sound quite ideal for my situation.
I don't know what to do about it. On one hand I'm tempted to go ahead with it but on the other, there is so much that could go wrong!
Is it worth taking the plunge?
I should mention that the friend proposing the arrangement here is just a good friend, but I'd always kept my distance from her in the past because her flirtatiousness made me uncomfortable. Even if things went south, I won't be too fussed about losing her as a friend since we were never that close to begin with.
Sound off below. Thanks guys!
Well, keeping in mind that I've never dated anybody but my ex since the age of 14 and I have zero experience with women (other than her), I was looking for a little advice from the TSR community.
A friend recently approached me proposing a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits arrangement. This is a relatively good friend I've made at university and I've known that she's had a thing for me since first-year, I just never encouraged it for obvious reasons.
Anyway, those reasons are gone now and well, it might be nice, but I don't know if it would be such a good idea. I've seen such arrangements go up in flames in the past and the friends involved never speak to each other again. I also know that I am completely, 100% emotionally unavailable at the moment and in no shape ready to contemplate a serious relationship or 'feelings' for someone else right now, or in the foreseeable future. But a sexual outlet with no repercussions does sound quite ideal for my situation.
I don't know what to do about it. On one hand I'm tempted to go ahead with it but on the other, there is so much that could go wrong!
Is it worth taking the plunge?
I should mention that the friend proposing the arrangement here is just a good friend, but I'd always kept my distance from her in the past because her flirtatiousness made me uncomfortable. Even if things went south, I won't be too fussed about losing her as a friend since we were never that close to begin with.
Sound off below. Thanks guys!
Original post by arrowhead
A friend recently approached me proposing a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits arrangement. This is a relatively good friend
A friend recently approached me proposing a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits arrangement. This is a relatively good friend
I don't think a FwB arrangement could ever work with someone who is a genuinely good friend.
Original post by Forum User
I don't think a FwB arrangement could ever work with someone who is a genuinely good friend.
Why so? If you don't mind me asking.
Original post by Forum User
I don't think a FwB arrangement could ever work with someone who is a genuinely good friend.
It works perfectly fine as long as you're both mature and you both make it clear that you're not looking for a relationship. I know, I did it during my last month at university because she was leaving the country and we knew nothing serious could develop.
Original post by 2ndClass
Off topic but has your ex stopped trying to win you back?
Errr...no. She still calls every few days, but I think it's beginning to sink into her that I'm not taking her back. Hence, the need to see someone else and try to drive her away from my mind because with every passing day, my resolve is weakening, and I refuse to be the pathetic asshat who takes his cheating girlfriend back.
Original post by Anonymous
It works perfectly fine as long as you're both mature and you both make it clear that you're not looking for a relationship. I know, I did it during my last month at university because she was leaving the country and we knew nothing serious could develop.
Thanks for this. Did you have any specific rules that you two laid out beforehand or was it just an organic, seeing what works kind of situation?
Personally I stay single till I'm comfortable my ex issues are dealt with (though I prefer the life-well-lived approach to break ups you take, staying civil but cutting them off) but for you, who knows.
As long as you don't lead your FWB on it could be fine, you say yourself you wouldn't be that bothered losing her friendship. But do you really feel this will be a positive step for you right now, especially only three weeks after last contact with your slaggathor of an ex?
if it went tits up would you really be that unbothered?
I'd say you're not ready yet, leave sex to a casual ONS at best, but ultimately it's up to you.
BTW read the other thread and I think our approach to relationships and break ups is quite similar, taking the high road.
Passing exes in the street who still look awkward and hung up on the past while I've long since moved on and am happy is proof enough that our shared principles on approaches to break-ups is the best way.
Edit: If you honestly feel your resolve weakening, just do as someone suggested in your other thread, imagine your ex getting pounded with her full consent by that guy. Repeatedly. Imagine the moment and every other subsequent moment thereafter she wilfully knew she was ****ting all over you.
resolve restored, you aren't a chump.
As long as you don't lead your FWB on it could be fine, you say yourself you wouldn't be that bothered losing her friendship. But do you really feel this will be a positive step for you right now, especially only three weeks after last contact with your slaggathor of an ex?
if it went tits up would you really be that unbothered?
I'd say you're not ready yet, leave sex to a casual ONS at best, but ultimately it's up to you.
BTW read the other thread and I think our approach to relationships and break ups is quite similar, taking the high road.
Passing exes in the street who still look awkward and hung up on the past while I've long since moved on and am happy is proof enough that our shared principles on approaches to break-ups is the best way.
Edit: If you honestly feel your resolve weakening, just do as someone suggested in your other thread, imagine your ex getting pounded with her full consent by that guy. Repeatedly. Imagine the moment and every other subsequent moment thereafter she wilfully knew she was ****ting all over you.
resolve restored, you aren't a chump.
(edited 11 years ago)
I wouldn't get involved in a friends with benefits situation so soon after coming out of a relationship
I had a friend with benefits for 2 years and remained best friends afterwards (the agreement ended when I got a boyfriend and he got a girlfriend, obviously)
Unfortunately, we no longer talk. But that's because when I became single again, he tried it on again despite still being with his girlfriend. I said no to him and he hasn't spoken to me since. I miss him as my best friend. I'm sure this situation wouldn't happen with you though
Unfortunately, we no longer talk. But that's because when I became single again, he tried it on again despite still being with his girlfriend. I said no to him and he hasn't spoken to me since. I miss him as my best friend. I'm sure this situation wouldn't happen with you though
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by lascelles
I had a friend with benefits for 2 years and remained best friends afterwards (the agreement ended when I got a boyfriend and he got a girlfriend, obviously)
Unfortunately, we no longer talk. But that's because when I became single again, he tried it on again despite still being with his girlfriend. I said no to him and he hasn't spoken to me since. I miss him as my best friend. I'm sure this situation wouldn't happen with you though
Unfortunately, we no longer talk. But that's because when I became single again, he tried it on again despite still being with his girlfriend. I said no to him and he hasn't spoken to me since. I miss him as my best friend. I'm sure this situation wouldn't happen with you though
He tried it on while having a girlfriend, not much to miss honestly?
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Studentus-anonymous
He tried it on while having a girlfriend, not much to miss honestly?
Excuse me? What do you mean by "he tried it on?"
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by arrowhead
Was replying to lascelles, in regards to her experience. edited my post with a quote accordingly.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Studentus-anonymous
Was replying to lascelles, in regards to her experience. edited my post with a quote accordingly.
Oh, sorry.
I would work on getting back in the game. I wouldn't do a FWB with this girl because it could end up getting complicated and ruining your friendship. If you're just acquaintances, it might work out and not be awkward (I can think of some examples). You say you don't mind losing her friendship but you should think about her feelings too. If you have any kind of feeling she might get emotionally attached, I would avoid getting yourself into a complicated situation.
I would focus on being single and getting to a stage where you're no longer bitter and to the stage where you think "Well it just didn't work out" about your past relationship, no matter how bad it was. It is only then that you're ready to date seriously. If you don't give yourself the space to get over it, you'll end up in a worse position and even more bitter. Besides, when you're still getting over someone you cannot see clearly what you want because you haven't resolved your past relationship and the lessons it has taught you. If you properly work on yourself rather than just putting it down to fate, your future relationships will be much improved. It's controversial to some people but everyone has a choice in life as to what position they find themselves in and that's even with taking into account the faults of other people.
You need some time to figure out how to be single (if that makes sense). You're better going for ONS I think because it's completely non-committal - you won't see her again unlike your friend.
I would focus on being single and getting to a stage where you're no longer bitter and to the stage where you think "Well it just didn't work out" about your past relationship, no matter how bad it was. It is only then that you're ready to date seriously. If you don't give yourself the space to get over it, you'll end up in a worse position and even more bitter. Besides, when you're still getting over someone you cannot see clearly what you want because you haven't resolved your past relationship and the lessons it has taught you. If you properly work on yourself rather than just putting it down to fate, your future relationships will be much improved. It's controversial to some people but everyone has a choice in life as to what position they find themselves in and that's even with taking into account the faults of other people.
You need some time to figure out how to be single (if that makes sense). You're better going for ONS I think because it's completely non-committal - you won't see her again unlike your friend.
Original post by Lucia.
I would work on getting back in the game. I wouldn't do a FWB with this girl because it could end up getting complicated and ruining your friendship. If you're just acquaintances, it might work out and not be awkward (I can think of some examples). You say you don't mind losing her friendship but you should think about her feelings too. If you have any kind of feeling she might get emotionally attached, I would avoid getting yourself into a complicated situation.
I would focus on being single and getting to a stage where you're no longer bitter and to the stage where you think "Well it just didn't work out" about your past relationship, no matter how bad it was. It is only then that you're ready to date seriously. If you don't give yourself the space to get over it, you'll end up in a worse position and even more bitter. Besides, when you're still getting over someone you cannot see clearly what you want because you haven't resolved your past relationship and the lessons it has taught you. If you properly work on yourself rather than just putting it down to fate, your future relationships will be much improved. It's controversial to some people but everyone has a choice in life as to what position they find themselves in and that's even with taking into account the faults of other people.
You need some time to figure out how to be single (if that makes sense). You're better going for ONS I think because it's completely non-committal - you won't see her again unlike your friend.
I would focus on being single and getting to a stage where you're no longer bitter and to the stage where you think "Well it just didn't work out" about your past relationship, no matter how bad it was. It is only then that you're ready to date seriously. If you don't give yourself the space to get over it, you'll end up in a worse position and even more bitter. Besides, when you're still getting over someone you cannot see clearly what you want because you haven't resolved your past relationship and the lessons it has taught you. If you properly work on yourself rather than just putting it down to fate, your future relationships will be much improved. It's controversial to some people but everyone has a choice in life as to what position they find themselves in and that's even with taking into account the faults of other people.
You need some time to figure out how to be single (if that makes sense). You're better going for ONS I think because it's completely non-committal - you won't see her again unlike your friend.
I think you're right. Hell my head was clouded by the possibility of sex and even I knew this wasn't right for me.
I'm going to turn her down and stay friends, but I see no harm in flirting freely with her now. If something happens eventually, then it will happen organically, and hopefully, not be contrived in some way.
I might as well just shove my nose in my books and just concentrate on uni and getting a job.
Original post by arrowhead
I think you're right. Hell my head was clouded by the possibility of sex and even I knew this wasn't right for me.
I'm going to turn her down and stay friends, but I see no harm in flirting freely with her now. If something happens eventually, then it will happen organically, and hopefully, not be contrived in some way.
I might as well just shove my nose in my books and just concentrate on uni and getting a job.
I'm going to turn her down and stay friends, but I see no harm in flirting freely with her now. If something happens eventually, then it will happen organically, and hopefully, not be contrived in some way.
I might as well just shove my nose in my books and just concentrate on uni and getting a job.
And one night stands.
You got a solid head on your shoulders, fella. Top stuff.
Original post by Studentus-anonymous
He tried it on while having a girlfriend, not much to miss honestly?
I never expected him to turn his back on me. He'd helped me through so much really tough stuff in my life and had always been there. It really hurt when he walked out of my life. I randomly saw him on new year. He just blanked me and left the club. His loss
Original post by lascelles
I never expected him to turn his back on me. He'd helped me through so much really tough stuff in my life and had always been there. It really hurt when he walked out of my life. I randomly saw him on new year. He just blanked me and left the club. His loss
Still, regardless of your history, trying it on while having a girlfriend doesn't reflect well on his character.
Indeed, his loss.
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