Haven't been here in a while...
I've got some observations for those who are interested.
Is it just me or does anyone else treat their eating disorder like a 'best friend' type of figure?
For some strange reason boyfriend dearest seems to not want to speak to me and I don't want to force him into a conversation so I'm waiting to see if he decides to want to speak to me or acknowledge my existence. I don't know what's going on with my best friend but she's ignoring me. My family, who I've tried becoming independent of, are unexpectedly the people I'm becoming closer with because I seem to have lost the two of the most important people in my life (boyfriend and bestfriend). I don't know whether I've lost them temporarily (besst friend most probably is temporary -- she's done this before and came back when she needed something) or permanently, and I just don't know what to think. Since the beginning of the year, I've been totally clean, haven't had an 'anorexic thought', have been consuming around/at least 1200 calories and calmed down significantly on the exercise. I believe this is because of my boyfriend, because before him I used to isolate myself a lot from my family and friends and would fill that loneliness void with my eating disorder. He gave me a sort of happiness that I never really knew. However, now that I feel like I'm losing him, and I seem to have lost my best friend, and I have a few other stressors in my life, I'm starting to remember what life was like before they both came into it and while I'm trying hard not to isolate myself again, I realise the eating disorder thoughts are coming back. If I'm being completely honest then part of me wants my eating disorder to come back. This is going to sound strange/stupid/'off' but it's sort of like my eating disorder gave me a sense of purpose, or fulfillment, or something along those lines. I dunno. I guess it sort of numbs the feeling of loneliness. It's funny how I don't seem to be so physically dependent on it like I used to be. I mean, I'm not exactly ecstatic about my weight but I do feel a strong urge to keep my calories below 900-1000 and to do at least two workouts a day. This is the first time I've felt this urge since September/October last year. God, it's so bittersweet. I hate it but I've missed it.
(Just to put it out there, I'm not looking for relationship advice if anyone's thinking of giving it, it's just something that's been bugging me because it's leading me to a relapse.)
This all brings me back to Ana's Song, particularly the "I need you now somehow" line.
Hmm, I'm listening to Ana's Song now and it made me realise that eating disorders, for those of us who have recovered/are on the road to recovery are sort of like the religious idea of god - some of us rely on the eating disorder(s) because we know at the back of our minds that it'll always be there whether it's a memory/desire/thought. The line "for as long as you're here" (I think that's how it went?) made me think this because people tend to believe god is omnipresent, which, like I mentioned before, the thought of an individual's eating disorder is for them. For me, it's almost as if my eating disorder acts as my mind's saviour when life starts going downhill for me.
Oh god. Someone tell me if I sound stupid or completely ridiculous. I haven't really thought about what I'm writing -- I'm just writing everything I'm thinking as I'm thinking it. I can't help but laugh at myself. I thought I was so close to recovering. I was even considering upping my calories to 1400 until recently.
Also, another thing I realised quite a while ago is that I'm more aware of the psychology behind my eating disorder than a lot of people are about theirs. I know this is something that is totally subjective to individuals, but I wonder if anyone else is like this? I mean, to elaborate, I'm keen on getting answers for things like the cause of my ED, the triggers for relapses, why I have certain behaviours (e.g. only eating with a fork or a teaspoon, cutting my food into small pieces, feeling uncomfortable eating in public or even in front of some people I have quite a close relationship with), etc. I don't know exactly how I can explain it in plain english but on psychoanalyticial terms, it's sort of like I've become so comfortable with analysing my subconscious that I'm now using that ability to understand my eating disorder on the unconscious level. I probably sound like I'm going crazy, but it is what it is. God help me...
tl;dr 1. Does anyone else treat their eating disorder like a 'best friend' type of figure? Sort of like a surrogate which you go to in times of trouble, or when you anticipate trouble.
2. Without the aid of a professional in the mental health field, is anyone else able to understand their eating disorder on a psychological level which the average person won't be able to? Like, do you look for and find answers behind your eating disorder? "The average person" can refer to the average mentally ill person, or the average person who isn't mentally ill.