Guys. Would you want to know? Would you ever be able to forgive me?

Scroll to see replies

Wait, this isnt cheating. He ****ed your mouth when you were asleep having told him not to. That's rape. If your boyfriend is angry with you because you got raped then **** him.

I do not want to sound like someone who does not sympathize but she:

>Got drunk excessively.
>Proceeded to sleep on a mans bed, again 5 seconds before he tried to rape her previously.

If this is how people solve their relationships issues ? OP, you can't change the past, so learn from this. Communication is key, and don't rely on alcohol. That stuff is a curse.

Reply 41

Jen_Angel

I think you were in a vulnerable situation so you went back to the bed, but if you said you made it clear you didn't want it, that meant no and if you didn't want it then you are not to blame! not for a second do I think that because a person is vulnerable it means you can force yourself on that person.

Reply 42

IanDangerously

Original post by Anonymous

I've split your description of what happened into two colours to show where your argument fundamentally falls apart. Now in the red part you clearly describe what took place. You remember him trying to have sex with you and you saying no, you remember what you told him, how you felt and how he reacted. Then got out of bed.

Now somehow in the process of getting back into bed, you also allegedly lost recollection of what was going on (as we see in the blue part) after vividly describing the events immediately previous to this. Clearly this story doesn't hold up, how can your memory be blurry when you allowed him to have sex with you but not when you stopped him at first?

You cheated on your boyfriend and have apparently acquired the short term memory capacity of a goldfish to try and soften the blow (no pun intended). If I was him I wouldn't want to know anything, or listen to anything you have to say, because we would no longer be together.

Reply 43

Ras17

Original post by Anonymous

Err, I don't really think "him being your first" is something he'd take alot of pride in when you'd already sucked another man off before it.

Who even gives oral to somebody they're not in a relationship with or even before they've had regular intercourse? Ughhhh.

Yes I digressed but oh well. You don't seem to have a lot of standard, maybe he can do better.

(If it makes you feel any better, I'll just like to point out that you didn't cheat on him. Altho you should never have been in the bed of somebody you had history with and who seemed to be interested; you couldn't have possibly foreseen his actions.)

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 44

Anonymous #1

Okay I think theres been some studd I didn't explain properly. I didn't go back with the guys like that - as in 'go back' from a night out with. My friend is seeing his cousin who was staying with the guy. I didn't want to leave her on her own and thought that getting a taxi home would be less safe at the time. I then went to bed alone. I thought he was someone I could trust not to do anything I guess.

Secondly, to the person who split my description in two. I was falling asleep when he was getting off next to me kind of facing away from him in bed while he was lying on the other side. I knew what he was doing because of the noise rather than because I was watching or anything. And then it all happened so fast because then I was drowsy and he took me by suprise. I guess I didn't explain that.

Thirdly, yes I am an emotional mess. I'm sorry.

Anyway all of these points are irrelevant. I know I've messed up and - I think we've all established that you think I am some kind of slut. I just wanted some advice on how to tell him to hurt him less - PLEASE? You can insult me all you want after - I just want to know how to tell him in the best possible way? Enough guys have commented that they should be able to tell me how they would want to be told? Or girls how you would tell?

Reply 45

Anonymous #4

As a guy who has been cheated on before, I would probably want to know as many facts as possible so I can make an informed decision. But I can guarantee you most men would kick you to the kerb within seconds of you admitting this. Plus, I would just assume you were still downplaying it and something worse happened. I'd wash my hands with you just because I'd never be convinced he really did "**** your mouth".

But you need to abandon any selfish notions of hanging onto the relationship and just tell him flat out. Poor guy deserves better. Sorry to sound harsh but it's true. What sort of person in a loving relationship does this, wasted or not?

Reply 46

MostUncivilised

Original post by Anonymous

You don't need to be making any excuses or apologies. In a technical, legal sense it is rape. I don't know whether you want to attach that label, in terms of your own thought processes, to what transpired, some people feel more comfortable not doing so... but what you can be absolutely certain of is that you don't need to feel guilty about what happened and that it wasn't cheating in any sense.

In terms of sleeping in the guy's bed, that was an error of judgement but only insofar as it might have been hurtful to your boyfriend, not that it in any way invited the assault.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 47

sugarmouse

Original post by Anonymous

I'm the OP. I know what i did here was stupid. And while i do think ths man destroyed our friendship and pushed the limits of what a nice guy would do, i dont think i ccan try and claim sexual assault. I put myself in the situation and even if i said no to sex, i let that final act happen. I guess therefore to him it could have appeared like it wanted to. Drunk girls give mixed signals and as have many have said i am guilty of this with the fact that we had a prior sexual history and that i went to sleep in his bed, even if it was on my own. I didnt scream and i didnt bite him. I accept responsibility for the fact tjat due the circumstances i put myself in i have hurt the person i love the most. I was merely giving background so tjat people would be able to judge whether he would want to know seeing as i have never regretted anything more in my life, it will never happen again and i have learnt my lesson never to trust someone like that again and to stay away from alcohol in such quantities seeing as it clearly impairs my judgement and reactions. I think you all think i should tell him, even if it hurts him? How much detail do i give him? Lastlty, my boyfriend and this man ( and me until now) often are on the same night out. So my boyfriens will have to face him. Do i tell him who it is or spare him that and try and find a way to tell him the act even if it makes me sound worse? Although i highly doubt this guy is going to confirm how persistant he was so i guess it wont matter whether he is able to forgive me for this annyway seeig as he will have no reason to believe a word i say after ive treated him like this. Thanks for all your help everyone. I had no one else to talk to...

He does sound like an asshat. Definitely. BUT, your state at the time (drunk, emotional, upset, half asleep) meant that he could do this.
If it was me, I would;
Get tested. Assuming he didn't use protection.
I would wait a few days until I was in a clear state of mind, and then decide whether I want to press charges against this guy.
I then would figure out if I was going to tell my boyfriend.

I've been in similar situations. Although not in a bed, as such-I co-sleep with guys other than my boyfriend, sometimes-on camping trips and at festivals. He trusts me 100% and is right to. He doesn't mind if I have lesbian affairs but I've only ever had one and regretted it, and I've never been with another man since being with him, and I never will and he knows this well.
This guy is a (censored) who took advantage of your state because he wanted some sexual kick. This isn't somebody I would ever want to see again and I'd get him out of your life as soon as possible. I feel for you and am sorry you're going through this-in an ideal world , a girl should be able to get drunk and not worry about a male friend coming onto her when he knows she really doesn't want it nor is in a position to. But this isn't an ideal world-and you letting him, in his eyes-means he thinks you wanted to.

Reply 48

MostUncivilised

Original post by Anonymous

Secondly, to the person who split my description in two. I was falling asleep when he was getting off next to me kind of facing away from him in bed while he was lying on the other side. I knew what he was doing because of the noise rather than because I was watching or anything. And then it all happened so fast because then I was drowsy and he took me by suprise. I guess I didn't explain that

Definitely is rape in a legal sense. You didn't consent, and the fact that you'd said no and also were drunk and half-asleep means he'd have no reasonable basis to believe you consented.

Thirdly, yes I am an emotional mess. I'm sorry.

Anyway all of these points are irrelevant. I know I've messed up and - I think we've all established that you think I am some kind of slut. I just wanted some advice on how to tell him to hurt him less - PLEASE? You can insult me all you want after - I just want to know how to tell him in the best possible way? Enough guys have commented that they should be able to tell me how they would want to be told? Or girls how you would tell?

You should tell him whatever you're most comfortable with.

I think it's very important to know that you are blameless when it comes to what happened. What this creep did was rape; you're not to blame for what did occur and when it came to cheating, or otherwise, you didn't consent.

You asked whether he could ever forgive you; in an ideal world, he would be more concerned about whether you're okay, and there would be no question of forgiveness because you haven't done anything wrong.

Having said that, some guys have a more proprietary view of their partner's body and might, perhaps subconsciously, find it off-putting. I would always say your best bet is to be straight up with him as early as possible.

If he is proprietary and blamey over it, you might consider whether he's the guy for you. If he's a decent guy, as I said, he will be more concerned. And remember, this is not about owning up to anything; sexual assaults and rapes are uniquely personal and private. Being able to tell your bf what happened is a sign that there's strength and durability in the relationship.

Best of luck with it

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 49

MostUncivilised

Original post by AbathaZoe

The fact that you were drunk also means that you can't really consent to sexual activity, so it definitely sounds like rape/sexual assault than cheating

I agree with all of your post except the quoted section. Drunk people can consent by law, and drunkenness by itself won't be taken to remove capacity to consent.

This issue has recently been clarified in the Court of Appeal in the case R v Bree.

Essentially, you need to be paralytic for drunkenness to remove capacity, though if the substance is administered by the accused without the complainant's consent, then it would be rebuttably presumed that they didn't consent to sex that occurs afterwards.

Having said all that, the accused's knowledge of the complainant's drunken state can provide evidence of a lack of reasonable belief in the complainant's consent when coupled with the express lack of consent. That is to say, between her drunkenness, tiredness and her expressly saying no, there was absolutely nothing from which he could infer consent.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 50

MostUncivilised

Original post by Anonymous

It is important to distinguish that last point; consent is a choice freely made, not failing to use violence to defend yourself when you're drunk and half-asleep.

I guess therefore to him it could have appeared like it wanted to. Drunk girls give mixed signals and as have many have said i am guilty of this with the fact that we had a prior sexual history and that i went to sleep in his bed, even if it was on my own. I didnt scream and i didnt bite him.

That doesn't make you more culpable because you failed to physically attack someone who was sexually assaulting you. I think it is fair to make some personal distinction in how you feel about it, and I know some people feel, in some circumstances, that it wasn't quite rape / they don't feel raped. Whatever your perspective, he certainly would be guilty of rape in a legal sense.

I accept responsibility for the fact tjat due the circumstances i put myself in i have hurt the person i love the most.

You can only be expected to accept responsibility for foreseeable consequences. If you cross the street tomorrow, and get hit by a meteor when you're crossing, are you to blame?

Admittedly, it can be a sliding scale and you didn't exercise perfect judgement in choosing to get that drunk and go and sleep in the bed of a guy you had sexual history with, but the crucial bit is that you didn't consent and that should have been the end of it. You have the same moral culpability as if you'd slept in the bed and nothing happened (perhaps ill-judged from the perspective of your boyfriends feelings, but not worthy of masses of guilt)

Lastlty, my boyfriend and this man ( and me until now) often are on the same night out. So my boyfriens will have to face him.

This may very well be the consequence if you don't report it to the police. Having told your boyfriend, you should be able to come up with a solution together.

Reply 51

SBSP

Personally, I'd want to know.
I'd never speak to you again, but I'd still want to know.

You're a cheat at the end of the day, and your boyfriend deserves to know.

Being drunk is not an excuse.

Reply 52

RedArrow

Poor decisions. You blew it. And I'd say its all your fault.

Best thing is to say what happened and YOU leave this relationship.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 53

Steevee

First of all, see why no man wants his partner in that situation. No matter how much you trust a girl, how much you might trust the guy, in the back of a mans mind, there's always something like this or worst. It's not a sign of not trusting you, but us being fully aware of what can happen in a silly situation.

As for what you do. It's difficult. The other guy is obviously a massive ****, that said, and no blame on you for what eventually happened, but you were drunk, he had made advances and you didn't remove yourself from the situation. In the reverse, if your BF was drunk, in bed with a girl that you know wants him, and she started making moves, and he stayed there, how would that look to you? Personally, I would tell the BF that you were in the bed, alone, half asleep and drunk, the other guy came in and next thing you know he was cumming on you, or something like that. If I was the BF, I'd be pissed at you, but far more pissed at the guy. Just make sure you never go near that guy again, because again, it could make things look as other than they are.

Reply 54

Steevee

Original post by MostUncivilised

Definitely is rape in a legal sense. You didn't consent, and the fact that you'd said no and also were drunk and half-asleep means he'd have no reasonable basis to believe you consented.

You should tell him whatever you're most comfortable with.

I think it's very important to know that you are blameless when it comes to what happened. What this creep did was rape; you're not to blame for what did occur and when it came to cheating, or otherwise, you didn't consent.

You asked whether he could ever forgive you; in an ideal world, he would be more concerned about whether you're okay, and there would be no question of forgiveness because you haven't done anything wrong.

Having said that, some guys have a more proprietary view of their partner's body and might, perhaps subconsciously, find it off-putting. I would always say your best bet is to be straight up with him as early as possible.

If he is proprietary and blamey over it, you might consider whether he's the guy for you. If he's a decent guy, as I said, he will be more concerned. And remember, this is not about owning up to anything; sexual assaults and rapes are uniquely personal and private. Being able to tell your bf what happened is a sign that there's strength and durability in the relationship.

Best of luck with it

Woah, woah. See this from a guys point of view before you get into a feminist hissy fit.

This girl was drunk, in another guys bed. A guy she has a sexual history with (bad enough) that clearly still wants her (even worse) and who makes an advance on her (3 strikes). She stay in that bed, even when she realises he is doing something sexual, and obviously we know the rest. So again, see this from the BFs point of view, see how there could be some doubt.

I mean, if we flip it. A guy is out drunk, with a girl he's had sex with before, when he's angry at his GF, he ends up in her bed (probably enough for most TSR females to start screaming 'GET RID!') She makes advances on him, he shrugs them off, she starts to touch herself, he knows, he stays there...

Yeah, seeing how there could be some doubt in his mind? Don't make this a 'he's a terrible person if he doesn't support you 100%, gosh darn men!' kind of thing. The actual sexual assault was of course, wrong, very wrong, but weigh up the entire situation first eh?

Reply 55

Donald Duck

It sounds like part of you wanted this to happen (why else sleep with some guy you'd given head to in his bed), partly certainly not. I'd probably tell this story to the police and therefore also tell your boyfriend. However, he may never forgive you.

Reply 56

username1135580

Original post by Anonymous

This time at some point he came and woke me up getting into bed. He started trying it on with me. He tried to have sex i said no. He kissed me and i pushed him off. I told hin i didnt want him to make me a cheat. He got weird and pissed off i didnt want to do anything but then apologised. I made the biggest mistake and got back into bed. He started getting himself off next to me and then, it all happened quite quickly, he was on top of me and in my mouth for about 5 seconds before he finished in me. I did nothig to stop.it. My memory is blurry because of tiredness/drunken but i cant honestly say i did anything to stop him. I dont know why. Ive been drunk before. Ive been angry before.i know neither are an excuse.

I have no feelings for this man. I never want to see him again and i will never speak to him again. I hate myself for hurting my boyfriend. Hes the most amazing person i have ever met and i love him so much. I have never done anything like this before and i never wi again. My boyfriend was also my first. I have always told him the truth because i hate lying. Sone people say that it is best to not tell him and hurt his feelinngs over a one time thing like this and that he would not want to know. Is that really true? Is telling him selfish just to make my guilt go away because i hate lying? Im so confusef. I never thought i could be a cheat and i have no idea how to deal with the guilt because ive never really done anything 'bad' before?

Tell Your Boyfriend, he'll probably end up finding out. But somehow this sounds more like sexual assault surely? Which I think he'd be more annoyed at the other person for? :confused:

Reply 57

MostUncivilised

Original post by IanDangerously

I've split your post into two colours to show where your argument fundamentally falls apart. Now in the red part how you describe how you will format your quote of the OP's post. Fair enough.

However, in the blue section, you go off into a seemingly bitter and highly personal rant that bears no relationship to common sense and little to understanding of human nature or physiology.

Your red and blue formatting doesn't even show what you claim it shows, let alone demonstrating that if her memory of the event was flawed that it must mean she's lying. It says more about you than her.

You really should read up on the relationship between memory and trauma. And then reflect on why rape complainants are customarily given the benefit of the doubt.

Reply 58

harrismahmood

Original post by Anonymous

Last weekend me and my boyfriend of 3 months, although weve been dating nearly a year, had a huge fight. Its my first serious relationship and our first fight and i guess i overreacted. Either way i dealt with it in the most immature way possible by going out and getting ridiculously drunk. My female friend and i ended up going back with two guys we know. One of these i have previously given head to but that was a long time before i was with my boyfriend. However we have hung out alone since many times and nothing has ever happened. He has occasionally hit on me but it always seemed jokey so i assumed it was a one off for both of us. My boyfriend knows about this.

However this night i was drunk angry and upset and asked if i could go sleep it off in his bed. I have slept in his bed, and drunk, before which again my boyfriend kniws about. He wasnt happy but he always appreciated the fact i didnt want to leave my friend on her own with two men. Again nothing has ever happened.

This time at some point he came and woke me up getting into bed. He started trying it on with me. He tried to have sex i said no. He kissed me and i pushed him off. I told hin i didnt want him to make me a cheat. He got weird and pissed off i didnt want to do anything but then apologised. I made the biggest mistake and got back into bed. He started gettinf himself off next to me and then, it all happened quite quickly, he was on top of me and in my mouth for about 5 seconds before he finished in me. I did nothig to stop.it. My memory is blurry because of tiredness/drunken but i cant honestly say i did anything to stop him. I dont know why. Ive been drunk before. Ive been angry before.i know neither are an excuse.

I have no feelings for this man. I never want to see him again and i will never speak to hin again. I hate myself for hurting my boyfriend. Hes the most amazing person i have ever met and i love him so much. I have never done anything like this before and i never wi again. My boyfriend was also my first. I have always told him the truth because i hate lying. Sone people say that it is best to not tell him and hurt his feelinngs over a one time thing like this and that he would not want to know. Is that really true? Is telling him selfish just to make my guilt go away because i hate lying? Im so confusef. I never thought i could be a cheat and i have no idea how to deal with the guilt because ive never really done anything 'bad' before? How do i tell him if that still is the right thing to do? Woukd he ever be able to care about me again?

You a duttie hoe. Simply as that, being drunk isn't an excuse, imagine if he was drunk and came in another girls mouth? How would you feel? I'd never forgive you - I hope he doesn't either.

Reply 59

MostUncivilised

Original post by Steevee

Woah, woah. See this from a guys point of view before you get into a feminist hissy fit.

I see everything from a guy's view, being one myself.

This girl was drunk, in another guys bed. A guy she has a sexual history with (bad enough) that clearly still wants her (even worse) and who makes an advance on her (3 strikes). She stay in that bed, even when she realises he is doing something sexual, and obviously we know the rest. So again, see this from the BFs point of view, see how there could be some doubt.

Yes, it exhibited poor judgement and was immature, as people tend to be when they are (I presume she's, what... 19 or 20?). My point was that you judge the two separately, and considering she did not consent her moral culpability is the same as if nothing had happened, both from a moral and a legal perspective.

Edit: I don't see how there could be doubt in terms of her account of what happened. He's chosen to be with this girl after 9 months of dating, been together for three months... I'm guessing he has a reasonable sense of what she's like, and that she wouldn't be so reckless and selfish as to fabricate a baseless accusation of rape. If there is some doubt when his girlfriend comes to him to tell him she's been raped, then maybe they really aren't suited to each other

The actual sexual assault was of course, wrong, very wrong, but weigh up the entire situation first eh?

I think my approach is absolutely about weighing things up. What would the reaction be if this guy had stabbed her or shot her? Concern over her wellbeing, or irritation and disappointment about how she got there?

The superficially sexual character of the offence shouldn't obscure the fact that this it is a gravely serious physical and mental violation, and it isn't reasonably foreseeable that someone will rape you if you say no, and the relative of gravity of the two things should be a bit of a no-brainer in terms of the approach

(would be the same as if my partner, who does a lot of mountain climbing, was badly injured doing an ascent he knew was much harder... it would kinda be secondary to making sure he was okay)

Edit:I will confess that I tend to view things quite differently, being gay, I reckon it has a lot to do with fundamental biological differences between men and women. My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I sometimes stay at his place after a big night, in his bed. My partner is fine with that, but I kind of wonder whether there's an evolutionary instinct to worry about your womenfolk around other men.... a lot of the time, the heterosexual dynamic, with its differential in sex drive, is more (seemingly... and looking from the outside) about male persistence, and with two guys you usually have more equal physical strength.