Does your partner need to do things they don't enjoy

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Oh it's more of a staying in bed with a cup of tea watching the match on TV kind of thing haha so it's not that big of a deal. :smile:

(however I do tend to lose interest quite quickly)

Haha I just fall asleep on my bf half the time when he does this with the cricket! But no, tbf you get pleasure from that in other ways, who doesn't like being curled up in bed with a cup of tea even if the football is on? :smile:

(well ok I love football so that would be heaven for me :P)

Reply 21

Sky_Dream

Original post by redferry

It depends, in terms of watching your other half play sport or perform etc I think that is a form of support, it is important you support your partner.

It means a lot to him to have the company when he watches the cricket, but he knows I find it really tedious so I take other stuff to do, and that's ok with him. Then I can watch and discuss the more exciting bits. It meant a lot to him that I wen't to help him buy things for travelling as I know a lot about outdoors equipment, so I went despite hating shopping of any kind. But to me that is more a need, he needed my help.

On the other hand there are a lot of people of the opinion if you don't do things that your partner enjoys but you don't you are selfish, but for me it is equally selfish to gain enjoyment from your partner doing something they don't enjoy. I love animals but I am not about to make my boyfriend sit through a box set of frozen planet just because I enjoy it and want someone to watch it with. I have friends with similar interests for that, we can sit down and watch Community instead.

Re the bit in bold: I don't think that they're gaining enjoyment from making their partner do something they don't like, but rather they're gaining enjoyment from their partner being with them (Unless they're an incredibly unkind person)! I agree that, if you're not bothered by who you watch something with but just want the company, then it's better to watch it with someone who shares those interests.

Reply 22

redferry

Original post by Sky_Dream

Well if I know my partner isn't enjoying it it sucks all enjoyment out of it for me. I would rather do it with someone who does enjoy it any day.

Reply 23

Pigling

Original post by redferry

Well if I know my partner isn't enjoying it it sucks all enjoyment out of it for me. I would rather do it with someone who does enjoy it any day.

Yes but other people feel differently.

If I had choice between:
1. Neither me nor bf ever do anything we don't enjoy
2. Or I sometimes do things I don't enjoy and my boyfriend sometimes does things he doesn't enjoy, so we share more time/activities together

And both me and my bf prefer option 2 - why are you so keen to judge it? It's just a preference. Allowing your partner to do something they don't enjoy (but want to do) for you, is no more uncaring/selfish than refusing to ever do something you don't enjoy for them imo.

What makes a person selfish/uncaring is if they are all take and no give.

Reply 24

redferry

Original post by Pigling

I'm not keen to judge it I'm just trying to understand it! It is honestly a difficult concept for me. I guess if you have little in common it would be necessary, but I have never been out with someone I didn't have shared interests with. Probably because we would never do anything because I wouldn't want them to do anything they didn't enjoy!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 25

dartanoir

Original post by redferry

(well ok I love football so that would be heaven for me :P)

Haha that is what I mean. We do it so that to some extent we both enjoy it :') I get to nap and have a cup of tea, and he gets to shout at the screen. Perfect :cool:

Reply 26

Vitamin D

Not in the bedroom no, I totally respect my partners personal boundaries there. But in general life yeah I guess so, we all have to do things we don't like. If he knows it would make me happy most of the time he will.

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Reply 27

Steevee

I see this thread... :tongue:

To chip in my 2p here aswell.

I'd just say that when you expect that kind of dynamic, it's not something you expect all the time, it's not an all or nothing thing. Whereas yours seems to suggest you should never do anything you don't enjoy with your partner, for me you should make that effort, but it doesn't have to be all the time.

Reply 28

Pigling

Original post by redferry

I'm not keen to judge it I'm just trying to understand it! It is honestly a difficult concept for me. I guess if you have little in common it would be necessary, but I have never been out with someone I didn't have shared interests with. probably because we would never do anything because I wouldn't want them to do anything they didn't enjoy!

Haha well I think as well it's a case of "not enjoying" being different from "completely hating". People in couples should rarely/never do something they completely hate. But doing the occasional thing you don't enjoy - well surely that's completely normal, not just in romantic relationships, but in all human relationships. It's like you're saying you can't understand the concept of favours? :p:

I mean, taking this completely away from romantic relationships. Who "enjoys" going out an buying a birthday card? Who "enjoys" making a tray of tea/coffee for the office? Who "enjoys" giving someone a lift? Who "enjoys" waking up first to make breakfast?

We do favours because we enjoy the reaction/emotion they produce in other people and because we want to help other people, we accept them because they're nice :p:

- why should it be different in a relationship?

Reply 29

redferry

Original post by Pigling

I think there is a difference between helping someone in need - which a favour is - and just being like well if my gf doesn't watch the football with me because she doesn't enjoy it she isn't committed though! I mean I don't enjoy driving an hour round trip to pick my bf up particularly, but if that needs to happen for me to see him then fair do's. Or, I don't enjoy reading his CV for errors, but it is good to help people. That sort of thing.

I never buy birthday cards I always make them, which I love so that ones a bit lost one me! Again, it is all helping people though, I still see that as a different scenario. Like no-one is going to enjoy that. Or maybe someone loves making tea, but they make you make you do it to show you are committed to the office! Not a great example but you see where I am going.

Doing something for someone else that isn't particularly enjoyable for either party is a bit different to having to do something with someone because they enjoy it.

We do favours because we enjoy the reaction/emotion they produce in other people and because we want to help other people, we accept them because they're nice :p:

- why should it be different in a relationship?

I don't like the idea that if you do someone a favour they have to owe you back to be honest. But maybe that's just me...

Reply 30

Pigling

Original post by redferry

Oddly pedantic distinction? Why would it be less okay to do a favour just because the other person enjoys it?

Why the one rule for "helping people in need" but huge objection to helping/doing something for someone to be nice even if they don't "need it"?

I don't really "enjoy" giving my boyfriend a massage, he doesn't really "enjoy" giving me a massage - both are "favours". But we both like to do nice things for each other even if we don't "enjoy" them. In your world, neither of us would ever get a massage! In mine, we both enjoy receiving them, and doing selfless things brings us closer together and increases affection.

I'm sorry! I just cannot understand where you're coming from at all. I don't actually believe that you never do anything non-enjoyable just to be nice to someone else :p:

Do you like making birthday cards in your free time? Or is that actually effort you're putting in for someone else. Be honest :wink:

I'm sure you do things all the time solely for the benefit of someone else, all reasonably pleasant people do (and you seem reasonably pleasant!)

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 31

redferry

Original post by Pigling

Do you like making birthday cards in your free time? Or is that actually effort you're putting in for someone else. Be honest :wink:

Well just generally because why would you not just do it with someone else who actually enjoys it? Like there is no need to drag your partner shopping, why would you want them to do that for you? That is the bit I don't get.

I enjoy giving massages and my partner hates it as it makes his shoulders really stiff (hes dislocated them both twice) so I don't get them but I give them most nights *shrug* it's not an issue for me, I don't think it shows lack of commitment at all.

I never go and do something I don't want to do just to make someone else happy, unless there is a real need (visiting someone in hospital, dealing with break-ups or depression etc, I support people but I don't do things I don't enjoy just because someone else wants to do it).
I actually really enjoy making birthday cards its so funny trawling through old photos etc and photoshopping/throwing glitter everywhere :smile:

Reply 32

kunoichi

Original post by redferry

Do you hate it as well though? I guess that's an interesting scenario. It's generally best to share **** jobs though.

I dont hate it but at the same time, im not the maid and i pay equally towards our life together so therefore i expect him to do his equal share of household jobs.

If the time comes when he is paying the majority of the costs then i will adjust the housework i ask him to do accordingly.

Reply 33

Pedd

My girlfriend and I compromise when we can. We're polar opposites in many things so it's necessary that sometimes we need to do things for the other that we wouldn't want to do normally. Although, strong objections are always abided. Carrying the shopping is a perfect example. I hate it. :angry:

Reply 34

username447608

I dont expect it but I think its nice. I'll sit and watch the football with my boyfriend for hours when i go and see him although i detest football and find it utterly boring, I also go and watch him at his matches sometimes. But then in turn i have horses and he'll come down and watch me ride or help me muck out or do something that he finds totally boring and a waste of time. I think alot of it is just so that we can spend that bit of time together and its nice to see him doing what he enjoys most.

Reply 35

tehFrance

I personally don't want my partner to feel forced to do something she does not like, I'd like it if she gave it a try first and then go she doesn't like it as at least she gave whatever it was a try but at the end of the day, I can live doing the things she dislikes on my own or with friends, I am not a needy over bearing BF.

Reply 36

sugarmouse

I'm not sure.
A while ago my boyfriend was having trouble with his job, and he kept phoning in sick to work. He gets paid when he's not there, but still-I expected him to go to work and I got mad when he didn't.

My reasoning was;
-pay is one thing but, he could potentially not go back in at all and I didn't want him to lose his job, this wouldn't be good for him, me, or us.
-I was willing to support him 100% in making work more pleasant, in addressing any issues, in getting a new job if he needed one, but not if he made himself jobless through lack of attendance to his current one, that's just being irresponsible.

So yes, I expected him to do something he didn't want to do, in that respect.
I do things I don't want to do, for him, but ultimately relationships are about compromises as others have said. If you have a good relationship, you want to make the other person happy as best your capability. If you BOTH have that level of thought, then you have a good relationship and occasionally one will do more than the other but it will balance out.

Reply 37

canadamoose

My boyfriend and I generally enjoy doing the same things, but sometimes compromises must be made. I hate watching certain films (anything gory and excessively violent), but if it's his turn to pick a film and that's what he wants to watch, then I'll do it. He doesn't like musicals, but he's taken me to them before because he knows that I like them.

The way that this question was worded didn't give me an option for what I would have chosen. I think that it is necessary for people to do things they don't want to do, not to show commitment, but to show that they love their significant other and are willing to make them happy on occasion. I wouldn't expect this sort of thing on a daily basis, because if it needed to happen daily, I would question the compatibility of the relationship. But on someone's birthday, anniversary, or just an average day to make them happy, people should be willing to do what they normally wouldn't enjoy.