Not as attracted to boyfriend anymore, help working out why?

We have only been going out for four months, and when I met him I was really attracted to him and in the first couple of months we had some great sex. However, currently I don't see him in a sexual way. There are a few confounding issues I'm not sure what's causing it.

Physically: I think his face is beautiful, but he's put on two stone and is currently doing no exercise whatsoever and is according to BMI, overweight now. He has a sports injury from a year ago but that's affecting one joint, he said he'd start going to the gym before the Christmas holidays and it still hasn't happened. He was also supposed to get this sports injury looked at, but it's excuse after excuse. I find when he eats like a whole packet of biscuits in one go, not even offering me one, really sickening. I'm not sure if it's the fact he's a little overweight now, or just his attitude towards living healthily that I find so off putting. Plus the lack of fitness kind of affects actually having sex if anyone gets my drift.

Not Physically, his uni course really stresses him out and he kind of took his stress out on me really badly a couple of times even saying we were over by text one of the times before knocking on my door an hour later crying saying he didn't know why he said that in the heat of the moment, he didn't mean it blah blah blah. But it did break my trust... I hope if he ever does want to break up for real he'd do it in a considerate way. So maybe that's why I'm physically more closed of from him because I feel hurt? Or it could be he hasn't really coped that well moving to uni and half the time I feel more like his mother looking after him rather than a girlfriend, so maybe that's why?

We had really strong sexual chemistry in the beginning and I want to know how to get it back? My lack of responsiveness to him is making him feel rejected and I love him so obviously don't want him to feel like this.

Reply 1

GnomeMage

i am a biology student, so forgive me for not being romantic

what u need is

pheromones

Reply 2

Shanger

Tell him he's a fat pr*ck and move on..

Reply 3

Dragonfly07

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Dragonfly07

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

But isn't that shallow? Like surely if I love him what he looks like shouldn't matter?
But I am worried it's affecting his health too, like he's started snoring really heavily since the weight gain... and it makes it difficult for me to to sleep which is not good >.<

Reply 5

username447608

Youve only been together 4 months if you dont find him attractive then I think its time to call it quits. You need some sort of attraction there even just a tiny bit but if you arnt feeling any sexual chemistry towards him then your just fgoing to start resenting him

Reply 6

Amelia-Babe

Original post by Anonymous

Grow up please. Dump him or move on :/

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Amelia-Babe

Grow up please. Dump him or move on :/

I'm sorry, why do I need to grow up? I don't want to dump him, I think this relationship has great potential and I want to work on it, I just don't know what to do about this issue.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by SillyMilly

There is some sort of attraction there, it's a tiny bit but I don't know how to make this grow? Maybe it's because I see him practically every day... perhaps spending less time with him would help?

Reply 9

Shannon~

You need to confront him about his physical state, but try and make it in a caring and considerate manner to show you're concerned about his health, don't make it seem shallow and make the situation about your feelings and how you don't find him as attractive anymore, as that will just run him into the ground further.

In terms of his stress, try to help him the best you can but there's only so much one person can take and you don't deserve to be something he just aims his stress at all the time. It doesn't matter if he comes and apologises, there's got to be a limit or this will just turn into a vicious cycle. Then it'd be time to call it quits I think. It's only been 4 months, so it will be easier (not saying it will be totally easy) to break up.

Reply 10

yaboy

Original post by Anonymous

I'm sorry, why do I need to grow up? I don't want to dump him, I think this relationship has great potential and I want to work on it, I just don't know what to do about this issue.

you cant force yourself to find someone attractive can you... Or can you :rolleyes:

Reply 11

Shannon~

Original post by Anonymous

There is some sort of attraction there, it's a tiny bit but I don't know how to make this grow? Maybe it's because I see him practically every day... perhaps spending less time with him would help?

I agree that seeing him less would help, when I was with my ex, that's what we used to do. We wouldn't see each other for about a week and then we would be more excited to see each other.

Reply 12

TheBritishArmy

Original post by Amelia-Babe

Grow up please. Dump him or move on :/

She seems pretty sensible and level-headed about all this. Nothing childish about what she's saying at all. :confused:

Look, chances are it's because he's put on weight and is therefore less attractive. That seems to be the over-riding factor here. How the **** has he managed to put on two stone in a few months? That's ridiculous, he must have been eating a horse every couple of days. Tell him to stop buying burgers from Tesco. :biggrin:

On a serious note, as a guy, I know I would get would get annoyed if I had sex withheld from me. I also know that when a girl makes an extra effort to look sexy, it turns me on. Tease him by dressing up for him and making a real effort, and then refusing to do anything with him until he gets in shape. It may sound cruel, but he needs to man up and this is the most effective way. You'll enjoy it too - assert yourself as a strong, confident woman and he'll want to please you more.

Reply 13

Shelly_x

Suggest you work out together?

Reply 14

Studentus-anonymous

Original post by GnomeMage

i am a biology student, so forgive me for not being romantic

what u need is

pheromones

No proof of human pheromones exist, which is interesting since there are enough biologists to find them.

Reply 15

username451311

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe if you sit down with him and explain face to face not only would you feel better but you might be able to work out a solution together, and you'd also know for sure how he feels as well. It's natural to gain weight in a relationship, and I don't suppose his injury is helping either. Also, the uni work and pressure he's under may be leaving him unmotivated and hardly any time for the gym (maybe money is a factor too?). I'm not making excuses for him, but I can see it from both sides. Perhaps suggest that both of you go out for walks (or some kind of activity that you'll both enjoy) together, so he gets breaks in between work, take some pressure off, spends time with you (which would make you feel more like his girlfriend instead of his mother) and will also give him exercise. This will help your relationship, mentality and his physical 'problem.' You'll also feel closer to him if you spend more time together doing things together, working things out and reigniting what you believe you've lost. PM me if you ever need to talk. Hope this helps. Good luck :smile:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 16

It's****ingWOODY

I think it's natural to lose attraction to somebody if they start letting themselves go. You need to speak to him about it or things won't change. Sounds a bit like he could be suffering from depression and might need a bit of help getting back on track, maybe not but just a thought...

Reply 17

blueberryyums

Tell him the same exact thing you just told us. He will understand if he loves you and he will get back on track without feeling it as an insult. He should receive it as constructive criticism. I would love for the one I love to tell me if I am doing it wrong before dumping me.

Reply 18

SailorCherries

This happened to me with my ex. There were physical and emotional things that caused me to stop finding him attractive, which in the end caused me to break up with him as were were no longer compatitable.

The emotional things won out overall, but the physical did have a detrimental affect.

Emotional - he was controlling, I had to "ask" if I could do an extra shift at work; he threw a fit if I talked to my guy friends, who are gay; he didn't like the thought of me graduating first and didn't want me to get a job; he had to do what he wanted, and that's that etc. So obviously those are the biggest contributors.

However, physically - I really enjoy exercise and I am trying to better myself, he used to sit and moan about putting on weight then eat a tonne of junk food/laugh at me for being healthy in my food choices; he would try and stop me exercising etc. It got to the point I just didn't want to sleep with him anymore as he cared so little about his physical appearance and was trying to do the same to me.

If you aren't compatible either emotionally or physically (and not in terms of looks, I mean fitness and health), then it won't work.