Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

OP

By the way, I just want to congratulate JLW95 for being an absolute inspiration to myself and to many others. To proudly treat your body as the temple it is, to no longer neglect it to the point of damage and detriment, it's truly commended, and I think that you, my sir, deserve more positive rep for your accomplishment.

As for additional snacks - 6-8 Almonds, a medium-sized banana, a can of tuna, a single hard-boiled egg,two satsumas, a Muller Light/Danone 0% Yoghurt - these are all example of good 100-calorie snacks. Many people find they need to use their affliction to HELP them fight their mental defect (myself included) - and if this means STILL counting calories religiously but to a far more healthy, higher daily goal, such as 2000-2500, then increments of 100 calories is a good start.

Reply 5442

JLW95

Original post by TotoMimo

Many people find they need to use their affliction to HELP them fight their mental defect (myself included) - and if this means STILL counting calories religiously but to a far more healthy, higher daily goal, such as 2000-2500, then increments of 100 calories is a good start.

Thanks, and thanks to you and others on here (and on other sites) for being so supportive to me and answering my questions :smile:

. Regarding calorie counting to increase I agree. Counting calories and gradually increasing is how I started until my dietian gave me a firm meal plan to which I must stick. The only issue I had was over estimating calories consumed, but as long as calories are increasing then calorie counting is defiantly healthier than starving.

I suppose one of the main reasons I feel so positive about recovery at the moment (apart from being wacked up on flouxetine) is what my psychiatric nurse said to me on Friday after taking my blood pressure and pulse, 'If I saw you for the first time now and saw these readings I would have thought you were a healthy person.' Whilst you're restricting it's impossible to be physically and mentally healthy, and I'd now rather be healthy and happy at a reasonable weight than sad, thin and damn right miserable. I do not miss struggling climbing the stairs one bit!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 5443

Anonymous #167

Hi guys, I've been reading this thread for some months now and have finally summoned the courage to share my experience with you.

I've suffered from an eating disorder for many years but only recently decided to come out and talk about my problems and get help. I guess I had always denied the fact that I had a problem because I didn't fit the typical stereotype and it had not affected me that greatly I.e. my school performance had not dipped and no one had any idea what I was going through.

I guess I only decided to talk about my problems after some encouragement from close friends who made me realise that I had a an eating disorder. Having now spoken about my problems, I still can't help feeling that maybe I shouldn't have said anything as the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, worthlessness etc are overwhelming.

My only hope in posting this is that you guys can give me some useful tips/advice in order to pursue recovery which is something I really want as I am sick of living this way and sick of being controlled by my disorder. :smile:

Reply 5444

Cinnie

13

Original post by Anonymous

x

Maybe it comes with age, but there is absolutely no reason to care about what other people may or may not think about you. The only person who will be in your life for the whole duration is you. You matter. Your heath matters.

1 in 3 people suffer from some kind of mental illness at some point in their lives. That's 20 million adults in the UK. Do 20 million people in the UK deserve to be ashamed and guilty about something that is such a significant medical problem? All I want to do is hug every one of them and tell them they are going to be ok. Mental illnesses do not discriminate, so you don't have to fit any sort of stereotype, be it ethnicity, weight, gender, preference of football team... you get the picture.

Well done for speaking up about it. That is the most important step! Just keep it up and allow yourself to accept support. There is counselling (especially if you are a student), and your GP can put you through to some more specialised services. Do it now because there is a waiting list :smile:

Reply 5445

MelissaJayne

14

Original post by Anonymous

Hi guys, I've been reading this thread for some months now and have finally summoned the courage to share my experience with you.

I've suffered from an eating disorder for many years but only recently decided to come out and talk about my problems and get help. I guess I had always denied the fact that I had a problem because I didn't fit the typical stereotype and it had not affected me that greatly I.e. my school performance had not dipped and no one had any idea what I was going through.

I guess I only decided to talk about my problems after some encouragement from close friends who made me realise that I had a an eating disorder. Having now spoken about my problems, I still can't help feeling that maybe I shouldn't have said anything as the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, worthlessness etc are overwhelming.

My only hope in posting this is that you guys can give me some useful tips/advice in order to pursue recovery which is something I really want as I am sick of living this way and sick of being controlled by my disorder. :smile:

The first step is often said to be the hardest and I think your case is no different. The initial job of speaking out is a real trial on your emotions; it is mentally and physically exhausting. Worries, confusion, regret... You really do go through it all. But what you should feel is proud. You've already started your journey of recovery, just by going against what the disorder wants (to be kept a secret, so it can control you forever with no interruption.)

And disorders effect people in different ways, to different degrees but just because your grades haven't dipped etc doesn't mean you are suffering any less. You deserve quality of life, freedom, happiness, self-worth - not just straight A's. What's a good bunch of qualifications to get you a good job to earn you good money if you can't even live your life to the full and enjoy any of this stuff without the constant drag downs of an eating disorder?

I'm really glad you posted! Please keep up the effort you made in taking the first step and get better. Have you thought about booking an appointment with your GP?

Reply 5446

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Hi guys, I've been reading this thread for some months now and have finally summoned the courage to share my experience with you.

I've suffered from an eating disorder for many years but only recently decided to come out and talk about my problems and get help. I guess I had always denied the fact that I had a problem because I didn't fit the typical stereotype and it had not affected me that greatly I.e. my school performance had not dipped and no one had any idea what I was going through.

I guess I only decided to talk about my problems after some encouragement from close friends who made me realise that I had a an eating disorder. Having now spoken about my problems, I still can't help feeling that maybe I shouldn't have said anything as the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, worthlessness etc are overwhelming.

My only hope in posting this is that you guys can give me some useful tips/advice in order to pursue recovery which is something I really want as I am sick of living this way and sick of being controlled by my disorder. :smile:

Anonymous 167, the hardest part is already over. Deciding that you, the person you've known best all your life, has a major life problem - that's the hardest part. Accepting you are broken as a person - that is the hardest part.

Truth is, we are all flawed, we are all full of idiosyncrasies that make us question ourselves. But sometimes the flaws impede our lives. Sure, I might wear a bright orange hat every day of my life, but if it doesn't cause any ill effect on my life, despite the crazy looks I get, is it abnormal?

Realising that the way you eat, or the way you approach food, is disordered - is absolutely the first and most important step. Accepting this. "Normal" is just a phrase. But "Disorder" is not "abnormality" - it's "detrimental to your life". If I ate one hundred cakes a day but functioned normally, it would not be an eating disorder. But if I ate normal portions but focused on having exactly 2000 calories per day, and that in turn took up 20 hours of my day researching, that is ABSOLUTELY an eating disorder.

What I'm saying in a very longwinded way is that you have successfully identified that an eating disorder is a cognitive, mental disorder. It is something wrong with the way your mind processes a certain thing. It could be the way you talk, or the way you gut fish. For you, your folly is eating and food.

But you IDENTIFIED that. And I am so, so proud you've located and accepted the problem. I really am. The amount of people I meet that eat exactly one apple and one sandwich every day at 12 noon exactly who argue about not having an eating disorder - it's astounding. "I'm not anorexic, I'm 9 stone!!" they say. But they are the ones struggling. Those guys have the problem WAY ahead of them.

Since you've made this huge epiphany, can you divulge more information about your specific mental disorder to us, Anon? Remember, we only judge those beneath us. But in this circle, we are all equal. :biggrin:

Reply 5447

OP

(PS, Cinnie and Melissa, I am still unable to pos-rep either of you. I guess that's because I rep you like a madman).

Reply 5448

Anonymous #72

I need to be in treatment right now... Don't have any real self-control anymore. I just want someone to take responsibility for my life because obviously being a responsible adult isn't working. Going to the GP in the Easter holidays but best case scenario he'll prescribe anti-depressants... It's sick but my ED is getting spurred on by the hope of getting small enough to be hospitalised. I suck and I'm right back to where I was over five years ago (but not even thin anymore).

Reply 5449

Anonymous #167

Original post by TotoMimo

Anonymous 167, the hardest part is already over. Deciding that you, the person you've known best all your life, has a major life problem - that's the hardest part. Accepting you are broken as a person - that is the hardest part.

Truth is, we are all flawed, we are all full of idiosyncrasies that make us question ourselves. But sometimes the flaws impede our lives. Sure, I might wear a bright orange hat every day of my life, but if it doesn't cause any ill effect on my life, despite the crazy looks I get, is it abnormal?

Realising that the way you eat, or the way you approach food, is disordered - is absolutely the first and most important step. Accepting this. "Normal" is just a phrase. But "Disorder" is not "abnormality" - it's "detrimental to your life". If I ate one hundred cakes a day but functioned normally, it would not be an eating disorder. But if I ate normal portions but focused on having exactly 2000 calories per day, and that in turn took up 20 hours of my day researching, that is ABSOLUTELY an eating disorder.

What I'm saying in a very longwinded way is that you have successfully identified that an eating disorder is a cognitive, mental disorder. It is something wrong with the way your mind processes a certain thing. It could be the way you talk, or the way you gut fish. For you, your folly is eating and food.

But you IDENTIFIED that. And I am so, so proud you've located and accepted the problem. I really am. The amount of people I meet that eat exactly one apple and one sandwich every day at 12 noon exactly who argue about not having an eating disorder - it's astounding. "I'm not anorexic, I'm 9 stone!!" they say. But they are the ones struggling. Those guys have the problem WAY ahead of them.

Since you've made this huge epiphany, can you divulge more information about your specific mental disorder to us, Anon? Remember, we only judge those beneath us. But in this circle, we are all equal. :biggrin:

Since you guys have been so supportive already, I no longer feel the need to be anonymous 167.

I guess I've suffered from anorexia for the best part of 7 years. There have been moments of recovery where I've entered into normal eating behaviours but there have been consistent relapses.

My typical behaviours revolve around restriction/fasting where I restrict to 500-700 calories a day and I can fast for anything up to a week and just drink water. This pattern has been something that I've lived by for these 7 years.

In terms of where this stems from, I guess there are a number of reasons. I haven't had a particularly traumatic experience that this all hinges on but I have seen what obesity has done to my father (numerous health problems) and I've always feared that I would end up like him.

Also, I'm an extreme perfectionist and this need for perfection particularly in academics has caused me to use food as an obstacle so I ignored it in place of doing more revision.

I guess the anorexia gave me what I needed- it gave me satisfaction when I'd achieved my goals, it made me feel punished when I'd fallen below perfection etc but ultimately now it's cost me the one thing I wanted more than anything, a career in medicine. Due to my anorexia I bombed my January A level exams and now I realise it wasn't worth it.

So that's the ins and outs of my disorder, feel free to ask anything else :smile:

Reply 5450

OP

Congratulations to you, Not-Quite-Anon!!

I think you've touched on some incredibly important points here. That obsessive-compulsive perfectionism is actually a trait that was exhibited in my disorder. I was tested for attention deficit disorder amongst many things, but I believe most Eating Disorder sufferers have some degree of methodical thinking to the point of sequential obsession!

I personally suffer from what is called "Overachiever's Offset"-style Eating Disorder - it's where, in your pursuit of endlessly pursuing and achieving your goals, when you've reached a point you have no goals left to strive for, you offset your daily goals onto arbitrary things. Drawing 100 cartoons in one day. Making 1000 cupcakes. It doesn't matter; you set yourself an insanely lofty, random goal, and you relentlessly set out to achieve it. It's autonomous, mechanical, but it's by no means the sign of a madman; I was told that I have an IQ of 151 at my last cognitive test, and that I have a "cognitive axis defect" which means I literally cannot find a stopping point, punctuation, an end point, to whatever I begin to research, assess, analyse or undertake. When you throw calories, exercise and eating restriction into the equation.... well, that's a vicious concoction.

What I'm getting at is that you've successfully illustrated that eating disorders are quite often nothing to do with the process of eating, obsession with food, or vanity; in fact they rarely are completely down to that. Most often they are due to an inherent feeling of emptiness, a lack of feeling of control, or a nature of strict competition.

We welcome you wholeheartedly and wish you love and luck on a scale only we, of unstoppable minds and perfectionist nature, can ply you without breaking a sweat! *High Fives!!*

Reply 5451

Original post by TotoMimo

Congratulations to you, Not-Quite-Anon!!

I think you've touched on some incredibly important points here. That obsessive-compulsive perfectionism is actually a trait that was exhibited in my disorder. I was tested for attention deficit disorder amongst many things, but I believe most Eating Disorder sufferers have some degree of methodical thinking to the point of sequential obsession!

I personally suffer from what is called "Overachiever's Offset"-style Eating Disorder - it's where, in your pursuit of endlessly pursuing and achieving your goals, when you've reached a point you have no goals left to strive for, you offset your daily goals onto arbitrary things. Drawing 100 cartoons in one day. Making 1000 cupcakes. It doesn't matter; you set yourself an insanely lofty, random goal, and you relentlessly set out to achieve it. It's autonomous, mechanical, but it's by no means the sign of a madman; I was told that I have an IQ of 151 at my last cognitive test, and that I have a "cognitive axis defect" which means I literally cannot find a stopping point, punctuation, an end point, to whatever I begin to research, assess, analyse or undertake. When you throw calories, exercise and eating restriction into the equation.... well, that's a vicious concoction.

What I'm getting at is that you've successfully illustrated that eating disorders are quite often nothing to do with the process of eating, obsession with food, or vanity; in fact they rarely are completely down to that. Most often they are due to an inherent feeling of emptiness, a lack of feeling of control, or a nature of strict competition.

We welcome you wholeheartedly and wish you love and luck on a scale only we, of unstoppable minds and perfectionist nature, can ply you without breaking a sweat! *High Fives!!*

Sorry I forgot to untick the box for anonymous posting :L

I think for me, my disorder is a mixture of the need for control but also an obsessive need for perfection. I exhibit a number of obsessive behaviours from having to follow an exact minute by minute routine in the morning in order to get to school at the same time every day to having exact revision timetables.

I think that the anorexia has just fed into these behaviours as I won't allow myself to break these patterns and that's how my disordered eating has really escalated. Like I said in my previous post, I've always seen food as an obstacle to pursuing my goals and I guess the restricted calorie intake has essentially become my normal. My body is now used to the limitations and I guess that is what I'm finding really difficult to break.

Thanks for the support!!

Reply 5452

Original post by Cinnie

Maybe it comes with age, but there is absolutely no reason to care about what other people may or may not think about you. The only person who will be in your life for the whole duration is you. You matter. Your heath matters.

1 in 3 people suffer from some kind of mental illness at some point in their lives. That's 20 million adults in the UK. Do 20 million people in the UK deserve to be ashamed and guilty about something that is such a significant medical problem? All I want to do is hug every one of them and tell them they are going to be ok. Mental illnesses do not discriminate, so you don't have to fit any sort of stereotype, be it ethnicity, weight, gender, preference of football team... you get the picture.

Well done for speaking up about it. That is the most important step! Just keep it up and allow yourself to accept support. There is counselling (especially if you are a student), and your GP can put you through to some more specialised services. Do it now because there is a waiting list :smile:

Thanks for the support!! I have now left my anonymous guise :L

I totally understand what your saying, I guess I'd never really acknowledged the fact that I had a mental disorder and therefore there was nothing to worry about.

Its taken me so long to come to the realisation that I have a problem purely because of the stereotypes out there. I never thought I was sick enough or thin enough for people to actually believe that I had an eating disorder and that was definitely the biggest struggle I had when I decided to talk about my issues.

I actually told a teacher about my problems and was initially referred to a school counsellor, however she soon went on maternity leave. I've been waiting a month now and have finally convinced my GP to give me a referral but god only knows how long that will take.

My biggest worry at the moment is that I'm not going to be able to tackle recovery properly whilst I'm doing it alone and if I'm not in a state of recovery by the time the summer exams come around, I will once again underperform and be unable to start my new uni course whilst I wait to reapply for medicine.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Reply 5453

MelissaJayne

14

Original post by FutureMedic1994

Thanks for the support!! I have now left my anonymous guise :L

I totally understand what your saying, I guess I'd never really acknowledged the fact that I had a mental disorder and therefore there was nothing to worry about.

Its taken me so long to come to the realisation that I have a problem purely because of the stereotypes out there. I never thought I was sick enough or thin enough for people to actually believe that I had an eating disorder and that was definitely the biggest struggle I had when I decided to talk about my issues.

I actually told a teacher about my problems and was initially referred to a school counsellor, however she soon went on maternity leave. I've been waiting a month now and have finally convinced my GP to give me a referral but god only knows how long that will take.

My biggest worry at the moment is that I'm not going to be able to tackle recovery properly whilst I'm doing it alone and if I'm not in a state of recovery by the time the summer exams come around, I will once again underperform and be unable to start my new uni course whilst I wait to reapply for medicine.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Use your upcoming exams as motivation to really take your recovery seriously. The thing is, you can have all the support from GP's, therapists etc but ultimately it's you yourself that has to do it. You can't wait for someone else to 'kick you up the ass' or turn on that switch. You have to really truly want to be better yourself.

Think of the exams, the starvation of your body will starve your brain a great deal and will as a result impact on your studies. I have no doubt you're an extremely intelligent person (people with ED's often are) but think how well you can do with full health and a well-fed brain.

Reply 5454

Original post by MelissaJayne

The first step is often said to be the hardest and I think your case is no different. The initial job of speaking out is a real trial on your emotions; it is mentally and physically exhausting. Worries, confusion, regret... You really do go through it all. But what you should feel is proud. You've already started your journey of recovery, just by going against what the disorder wants (to be kept a secret, so it can control you forever with no interruption.)

And disorders effect people in different ways, to different degrees but just because your grades haven't dipped etc doesn't mean you are suffering any less. You deserve quality of life, freedom, happiness, self-worth - not just straight A's. What's a good bunch of qualifications to get you a good job to earn you good money if you can't even live your life to the full and enjoy any of this stuff without the constant drag downs of an eating disorder?

I'm really glad you posted! Please keep up the effort you made in taking the first step and get better. Have you thought about booking an appointment with your GP?

Thanks for the support!!
I certainly have experienced the whole range of emotions- the initial relief of the weight being lifted off my shoulders was soon replaced by the worry, confusion and guilt etc..
I'm struggling to feel the pride just because nothing about this situation makes me feel proud, I know I'm making strides to get help but I can't help feeling that I should never have got into this in the first place.

I've been to see my GP four times in the last month or so and I've finally got a referral to work with a team but I have no idea how long this will take to be put in place. I have a small support system in school consisting of teachers and friends but like 99% of all people they don't really know how to help me. They've been amazing in terms of supporting me but sometimes they just don't understand what it's like to suffer with an eating disorder and can't understand my thought process when I'm struggling with that inner voice.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

Reply 5455

Original post by MelissaJayne

Use your upcoming exams as motivation to really take your recovery seriously. The thing is, you can have all the support from GP's, therapists etc but ultimately it's you yourself that has to do it. You can't wait for someone else to 'kick you up the ass' or turn on that switch. You have to really truly want to be better yourself.

Think of the exams, the starvation of your body will starve your brain a great deal and will as a result impact on your studies. I have no doubt you're an extremely intelligent person (people with ED's often are) but think how well you can do with full health and a well-fed brain.

I know that ultimately recovery is down to me and I really do want to get better. I think in terms of exams, I've always approached them in the same way. Due to my perfectionist nature, I work myself into a state of high stress and anxiety with endless hours of work and revision and unfortunately this feeds into the disorder because I don't make time for food as this can be time spent doing more work.

I also think that had I bombed my GCSES I would've realised how damaging the effects of the disorder are on your mental capacity to perform. However the achievement of my GCSES to the standard they were completely fuelled the idea in my head that this was a positive thing to do. It's only really since doing A Levels that I realise the damaging nature of restricted eating but I just can't seem to stop myself when I am in that state of complete mechanical work mode.

Do you have any useful tips when it comes to that sort of thing?

Reply 5456

MelissaJayne

14

Original post by FutureMedic1994

I know that ultimately recovery is down to me and I really do want to get better. I think in terms of exams, I've always approached them in the same way. Due to my perfectionist nature, I work myself into a state of high stress and anxiety with endless hours of work and revision and unfortunately this feeds into the disorder because I don't make time for food as this can be time spent doing more work.

I also think that had I bombed my GCSES I would've realised how damaging the effects of the disorder are on your mental capacity to perform. However the achievement of my GCSES to the standard they were completely fuelled the idea in my head that this was a positive thing to do. It's only really since doing A Levels that I realise the damaging nature of restricted eating but I just can't seem to stop myself when I am in that state of complete mechanical work mode.

Do you have any useful tips when it comes to that sort of thing?

My case is very similar to yours, I got great grades despite being ill. In both GCSE and A Level. So, my disorder used this to trick me into thinking it wasn't a problem for me "you're getting good grades and losing weight, what's the problem?" - but the fact is that was my life, all of it, totally. Just work and weight, work and weight. Day after day. I was so miserable, withdrawn socially, depressed, hopeless and helpless. I began recovery because my parents took me to a GP and pushed me into it but I'm so glad they did or I dread to think of the position I'd be in now. I didn't know of this forum back then but I think the guys on here would have told me to go to a GP too, shown me that I was ill, despite still being a success in my studies.

One thing I can say is that when I went away to University, with the increased workload, pressure or lifestyle changes, independent living..my grades could not be maintained. They dipped and dipped and my health fell with them too until I got in such a sorry state I had to drop out and come home, start from scratch. Don't wait for it all to go wrong before you put it right. Be thankful that you've got this far and not had the detriment to your career/ambitions/studies just yet but don't let that trick you into thinking you can happily continue along that path.

Priorities your health, above all else. A university will wait a year, two..even more. But your life? It's not so forgiving!

Reply 5457

Original post by MelissaJayne

My case is very similar to yours, I got great grades despite being ill. In both GCSE and A Level. So, my disorder used this to trick me into thinking it wasn't a problem for me "you're getting good grades and losing weight, what's the problem?" - but the fact is that was my life, all of it, totally. Just work and weight, work and weight. Day after day. I was so miserable, withdrawn socially, depressed, hopeless and helpless. I began recovery because my parents took me to a GP and pushed me into it but I'm so glad they did or I dread to think of the position I'd be in now. I didn't know of this forum back then but I think the guys on here would have told me to go to a GP too, shown me that I was ill, despite still being a success in my studies.

One thing I can say is that when I went away to University, with the increased workload, pressure or lifestyle changes, independent living..my grades could not be maintained. They dipped and dipped and my health fell with them too until I got in such a sorry state I had to drop out and come home, start from scratch. Don't wait for it all to go wrong before you put it right. Be thankful that you've got this far and not had the detriment to your career/ambitions/studies just yet but don't let that trick you into thinking you can happily continue along that path.

Priorities your health, above all else. A university will wait a year, two..even more. But your life? It's not so forgiving!

I think in terms of parents, my case is a little different to yours. I don't particularly want to go into detail but there's certainly been a lack of acknowledgement of my issue and to all intents and purposes it's been swept under the carpet which I kind of understand as its a difficult thing to deal with.

On the university front, I'm feeling torn. I want to go to university in order to maybe gain some control over my life as a whole rather than just doing things that I'm told to do. However like you said with the increased pressure and whatnot, I would hate for me to slip back into old behaviours and really do some serious damage to myself.

My A Level grades have certainly dipped in comparison to my GCSES and I guess that is my motivation to get better in order to achieve my full potential. I just feel that at the moment time is against me as exams are rapidly approaching and I'm nowhere near a fitter state to be sitting them.

Reply 5458

OP

A support network is absolutely crucial to the recovery process, but it's not necessarily your parents; some people that join my in-person recovery group visit their cousins, friends, and even the parents of friends - it's just someone who you have absolutely NOTHING to hide anything from, that you could tell them what size your poos were, your greatest fear, which Disney villain you secretly fancy, whatever... and feel no shame.

Once you've established this support network, make a point of seeing this person/these people a specific day every week. God knows you're kidding yourself if you make excuses you "can't" - because we already know that making yourself as ill as you are with the ED, you can make time for all manner of incredibly arbitrary and unnecessary daily habits, as we all are guilty of!!

Reply 5459