I hit her but I didn't mean to

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UPDATE:

Yeah, she got in contact with me this morning and told me she wanted to split. She's also said that she's coming with a friend to collect her things, and nearly everyone she knows thinks I'm some kind of abusive piece of crap. I'm at a loss here.
thank you all for the responses. I know what I did was disgusting.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Sure, violence is never the answer, but what she said to you would strike a nerve with most, and I'm sure most people could emphasize with your actions if you were truly sorry. That said, I know in my mind that I would rather get punched a few times, rather than have somebody who is supposed to care for me say such a cruel comment not long after the passing of my father. Though, both actions are obviously wrong in hindsight.

Reply 121

Some random guy

Original post by Ice Constricter

And she didn't insult the relationship the OP shared between himself and his deceased father? :rolleyes:

See what I said about being bias?

The confrontation became physical because of her then. If the genders were reversed...

Words are wind. I told you already, I don't believe one should ever get violent over things like this. I don't care if she was a transexual or the roles were reversed or whatever. People resort to violence when they stop thinking.

Reply 122

Pastaferian

Original post by Need help atm

UPDATE:
Yeah, she got in contact with me this morning and told me she wanted to split. She's also said that she's coming with a friend to collect her things, and nearly everyone she knows thinks I'm some kind of abusive piece of crap. I'm at a loss here.
thank you all for the responses. I know what I did was disgusting.

I think the outcome was inevitable. It's very likely that she brushed over her own part in this, but that was also predictable.

You were both in the wrong, and you've had the courage to admit your own guilt. My advice, for what it's worth...
- when she comes over, don't try to persuade her to stay (if you are minded to try, now wouldn't be a good time)
- when talking to her friends, don't try and defend yourself by blaming her actions - it will just make you seem worse in their eyes. Stick to "I should never have reacted like that" and leave it them to quiz her about what you were reacting to.

She knows she provoked you, even if she hasn't admitted it to anyone. Blaming her will not win her back, but remorse just might. However, given the past history, you may just have to accept that this relationship had run its course, and that the breakup was inevitable.

Reply 123

consumed by stuff

she wanted a reaction, she got a reaction. all these people in uproar about it. for him this has happened once and it wasnt a control thing, it was a reaction.

when someone writes a thread about someone who's done something cruel to an animal, raped someone, or murdered someone. everyones like "someone should kill them, i would kill them or they should have that done to them.

its all human life, how one person can support extreme painn violence or even death to one person and then hate on guy for hitting his gf in a one off incident.

women should not live in fear of being beaten by a man, saying that a man should not have to take anything off a women that he would'nt off a man.

Reply 124

ash92:)

Original post by Some random guy

I'm afraid I agree with Ice Constrictor. She was blatantly provoking a response. As to why, I have no idea - but she definitely needs help.

OP stated that she pushed him or his hand, or whatever, despite knowing how busy and stressed he was. he was bound to lash out eventually.

Reply 125

Teresa123456

You hit a girl twise man. thats so low. you are only talking about your point from your point of view.. but why did she even say it ?

i understand that you was angry.. but anger can sometimes make us do silly things. she probably said it out of anger aswell.

Reply 126

A5ko

Original post by Teresa123456

You hit a girl twise man. thats so low. you are only talking about your point from your point of view.. but why did she even say it ?

Lower than insulting a dead relative..?

Reply 127

HumanSupremacist

The intelligent standpoint would be to consider the situation rationally and intelligently.

The question to ask yourself is:

"Was the force with which you reciprocated proportional to her words or conduct?"

1. She was screaming at you.

2. She shoved you repeatedly.

3. She made a terrible outburst concerning your dead father.

4. You shoved her into a wall.

5. You *punched* her twice.

Issues to consider in apposition are:

- She is a female.

- You are a male.

- Emotions were high.

- Overpowering impulses.

Therefore, with the above, and taking into account the additional factors in apposition, the intelligent observer would conclude that the force you used was disproportional, especially concerning the fact that the victim in question was a female and you are a male.

Proportional force would have been loud and powerful screaming conveying how she was making you feel. But punching her twice - regardless of her words and considering that she *only* shoved you and was not a great threat - was uncalled for and not the wise course of action.

Things to do now:

- Apologise strongly.

- Explain what happened.

- Inform her that how you felt was no excuse to hit her.

- Emphasise to her that she was also in the wrong for shoving you and making hurtful comments concerning your dead father.

- Strongly assert that you will never do such a thing again.

- Express your love (if you do have such) for her.

- Make up ( :sexface:

)

I hope this helped? :smile:

Original post by Need help atm

I really need help.
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years ad are both second year uni students at the same uni. Lately, we've been arguing quite a lot over nearly everything. but when we're both feeling up to it, the relationship can be great.
Earlier on today, she was in a bad mood for some reason, and started bitching me out when I was in the middle of studying for second year uni exams. I normally either cuss her out too or ignore her, but today just wasn't really my day and I was too stressed to bother replying. She came into our room (we both share a house) and started to push me about a bit, shoving my hand so that the page I was writing on was ruined. Then, knowing that my dad's recently passed away, she told me that he died because he couldn't stand the thought of living with me as a son.
I lost it. I shoved her into a wall and punched her twice. I regretted it as soon as it happened, and started apologising, but she started crying and stormed off. This all happened earlier today and she still hasn't come back.

I know our relationship sounds awful, but our fights don't occur much, and when we're good, we can really be in love.
i know I love her, but I still feel hurt over what she's said; she definitely took It too far, but I wish there was a way to rewind everything. I'm panicking over what she just might be doing now, and I just want to apologise but she's not answering my calls or anything.
please. I need some advice on what to do now.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 128

HumanSupremacist

Original post by A5ko

Lower than insulting a dead relative..?

The force was disproportional.

Even if she wished him or his entire family dead or insulted his very being - she posed no great threat to him to warrant actual punching, especially concerning the fact that he's a male and she is a female.

It was disproportional. End of.

Reply 129

HumanSupremacist

Original post by ash92:)

Yes, but his force was disproportional.

Proportional force would have been loud shouting in reply and/or slapping her hands away.

Reply 130

redpanda41

I think it's truly frightening that so many people seem to think being provoked is justification for being violent to your partner.... that's how domestic abusers justify their behaviour, by always blaming the victim for provoking them. It's not an excuse, ever! What she said was horrible, but I'm sorry, I just don't accept that you couldn't control your actions. Fight words with words, not punches.

Reply 131

Care-Free

Original post by Need help atm

It's for the best, obviously she's not going to have told everyone that she was provoking you and being truly awful. Just try to put it out of your mind and maybe learn some anger management techniques because you could find yourself in court if something like this happens again, even though she was totally in the wrong.

Reply 132

kka25

Original post by HumanSupremacist

"Was the force with which you reciprocated proportional to her words or conduct?"

1. She was screaming at you.

2. She shoved you repeatedly.

3. She made a terrible outburst concerning your dead father.

4. You shoved her into a wall.

5. You *punched* her twice.

So, emotional abuse is ok?

Therefore, with the above, and taking into account the additional factors in apposition, the intelligent observer would conclude that the force you used was disproportional, especially concerning the fact that the victim in question was a female and you are a male.

That's already sexist. Emotional abuse can be worst than physical abuse.

Proportional force would have been loud and powerful screaming conveying how she was making you feel. But punching her twice - regardless of her words and considering that she *only* shoved you and was not a great threat - was uncalled for and not the wise course of action.

Only shoved? That's already physical abuse; you don't consider someone shoving you not a threat? :confused:

Reply 133

kaypc

you need to find other outlets for your anger. unless you are actually physically threatened by someone, you should never hit back and by the sounds of it she wasn't much of a physical threat. yes what she said was out of line but that response is uneccessary.

Reply 134

redferry

Original post by CJKay

But the point is that he didn't abuse her, she abused him. He reacted physically to her physical and verbal abuse. He even says in his original post that usually he would just ignore it or just cuss her out, so he blatantly doesn't typically have problems with anger, but she obviously pushed it far too far. Not everybody reacts the same to the same cues, and I think it would be reasonable to have expected the reaction he did give her.
Now, to expect everyone to just be happy, get along and to "be in touch with their feminine side"... that is naivety at its finest. Males were built to hunt and kill remember, and if you push it as far as she did, you are making assumptions about the level of self-deprecation they can take and taking a serious risk.

Oh god.
Not the 'Males were built to do blah blah blah' line of argument.
It's a bunch of crap. People have self control and to suggest otherwise is an insult to the entire male gender. I think you will find a large proportion of males have enough self control not to punch their gf full on in the face twice when they verbally abuse them.
Males were also built to spread their seed as much as possible, and to commit infanticide. So is revealing too much flesh or leaving a new partner alone with your child just pushing a man too far? Or is it still wrong if they rape you or kill your child?

You can't cherrypick which chracteristics tou blame on evolution based on those which are most palatable to society. You can pick which you wish to display however - it is called choice and self control.

Reply 135

HumanSupremacist

Original post by kka25

So, emotional abuse is ok?

That's already sexist. Emotional abuse can be worst than physical abuse.

Only shoved? That's already physical abuse; you don't consider someone shoving you not a threat? :confused:

Especially considering the fact that she is a female and the OP is male, I am surprised at how everyone is saying that it was fine for the OP to punch her! Her conduct did not warrant a punch - and personally, I would never punch a woman unless in the most dangerous of circumstances (e.g. feared for my life).

If the victim were a male, it would not be as shocking. But the victim was a female - and her conduct did not warrant such brute force.

Frankly, I am shocked that people are condoning this, when it was clearly disproportional.

Additionally, you say emotional abuse - sure, the comments were terrible; but not enough - especially as she is female - to warrant brute physical and disproportional force. He was not a child. He was not mentally challenged. They were on nearly the same standing - if not for genetic gender differences.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 136

HumanSupremacist

Original post by kka25

Only shoved? That's already physical abuse; you don't consider someone shoving you not a threat? :confused:

Additionally, she was a female. Are you telling me that you would treat a male and a female the same in a physical confrontation? There's a reason why there are female-only sports and male-only sports.

As I said, she was a female; she did not pose a direct physical threat; ergo, such conduct by the OP was disproportional.

Reply 137

kka25

Original post by HumanSupremacist

Whatever the person's gender is, doesn't give them the right to be emotionally abusive.

Owh, please; don't say the things that you've never experienced... seriously...

Additionally, you say emotional abuse - sure, the comments were terrible; but not enough - especially as she is female - to warrant brute physical and disproportional force. He was not a child. He was not mentally challenged. They were on nearly the same standing - if not for genetic gender differences.

I'm sorry, this is sexist and somewhat ignorant.

How do you (equally) quantify the damages that both parties are inflicting to each other? How could you say what she did doesn't warrant what he did? Who are you to determine that?

You're judging based on something that you can "physically see" which is the hitting part, but you've not looked at the emotional abuse that you cannot physically see or have never experienced.

Original post by HumanSupremacist

So... it's ok then for a female to be abusive and the men have to stay quiet?

If a woman slaps you, what would you do? What if she continues hitting and verbally abuse you? Some women are much stronger than you are, so if I were you, I'd stop with this prince charming mentality.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 138

Blutooth

Original post by redferry

I agree that he needs help with anger issues, physically assaulting someone weaker than you is not a proportionate reaction to verbal abuse.

Why is everything you say so weak? He did the right thing. I don't see why people are so namby pamby in this country, as though physical violence were the worst thing imaginable? If someone has the cheek to insult a recently deceased family member like they should expect to have their lights punched out in return.

Reply 139

Blutooth

Original post by redferry

Not really - as I said, my friend beats people withing an inch of their life, but only if they physically assault him. It is still an anger management problem, he has put 5 people in hospital with serious injuries. Whereas I have a friend on my postgrad now who is a huge guy and people start on him all the time, however he is usually able to verbally get out of the situation and if he isn't he maybe throws a couple of punches or restrains them.

Man you've got some crazy friends. In this context, I can see why your stance is the way it is . If a friend or random person said that about a parent, I wouldn't think twice about giving them a hard slap (girl) or punch (guy). I couldnt imagine hitting my girlfriend, but then again I couldnt imagine her saying something as abhorrent.