I'm really struggling :'( I keep starving and starving and then binging and purging .. and it goes on and on and I can't take it anymore, but I can't seem to eat normally either because it makes me feel horrendous. I've thought of getting help a lot recently, because I keep getting ill, and I think it might be related, and I don't want to fail my exams because of this, but two things are stopping me. One, that I don't want people to know, I don't want to hurt my family' I've always been the one that holds everyone else together. I dont have the choice to fall apart, even though I am. I am the good one, the one that does well. My family were torn to pieces when they found out my little sister had hurt herself once, they have no idea that I do it all the time. The second reason is that I am no where near thin enough to have an eating disorder. I feel like a fraud on this thread all the time; I'm not and have probably never been underweight. Even when my periods stopped I wasn't underweight for my height. I feel like a doctor would take one look at me and laugh. But at the same time I know the way I feel isn't normal and I am just so confused. I hate myself, I look in the mirror all the time, because I swear I am getting bigger by the minute. I hate being like this, but when people have tried to stop me I get so angry because I don't want to not be like this either. I don't know how to explain it, its like I cant live when I eat normally because I detest myself so much. And if I got help, I would gain weight, or be stopped from losing any more weight? And I've not even reached my goal yet, although I dont have a goal just a vision in my head of what I want to be. I feel like if I can control everything, if I can be perfect nothing else will matter. If I'm better people will like me more. Sorry for ranting I just needed to get it out and I feel like I need advice, but I dont even know what I'm asking for advice on :'(.
Sorry if any of this needed to be spoilered I have no idea how to do it :/